Biggest Loser–A Tara-ble Idea

And we’re back from New Zealand!  I’m exhausted from all the jumping off bridges, buildings and canyons.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that New Zealanders are a nation of people with their feet on their ground.  It is a gorgeous place, but hey, so is the ranch so let’s hop back there!  This week’s show was absolutely bizarre.  Now, I enjoy watching BL and I thoroughly enjoy recapping BL,  but I must confess—the difference between a 2 hour episode and a 1 hour episode is a lot like Week 1 huge, huge, huge!  They packed a lot of stuff into one hour (hint—that could be done every week, producers), so let’s jump right in.  Just not from something really tall, okay?

We see our contestants coming back into the ranch house after what would have to be a grueling flight (about 12 hours, right?).  Hannah says the ranch feels like home.  Without her bitch friends.  Austin is bummed to come back with his Dad not there.  He gets all weepy and tells us he doesn’t want to leave right after his Dad and that he has to trust himself and to try his best and he needs to track down the vandal who hit his room while he was in New Zealand.

No diamonds hidden in this room.  Foiled again, Pink Panther

Irene takes a moment to talk to us about how she’s feeling the pressure of just being 2lbs away from 100lbs total lost on the ranch and that she’s the current BL on the ranch.  I give Irene a hard time because I think she’s kind of a mush-mouth and I really just want to smack her and say , “ENUNCIATE!”, but she’s done a really good job so I’ll lay off for a while.  Until she speaks again.

Alison comes in to join the group to announce it is favorites week.  Yay!  Beer and ice cream and pizza and nachos and chicken wings and hot naked guys!  Dream killer Alison tells them the “favorites” are actually former Biggest Loser contestants.

Clearly, we have different definitions of “favorites”, How Now White Cow.

Hannah starts reminiscing about her favorite past contestants and I remembered most of them, which is a good sign I need to quit watching so much TV.  Alison tells them there are more surprises waiting, so they all head to the gym.  And there are two favorites right there to greet them!  They could be Hank the technician and Ruby the foodservices gal for all I care—it is NOT Brett and Cara!  Actually, we have the following:

Ali Vincent.  First female winner.  Season 5.  All around badass.

And with her is Sam Poueu, who was eliminated in the 9^th season in week 16 and is currently engaged to another contestant, Stephanie.  I liked Sam during his season but never cared for Stephanie.  After his elimination, he announced his relationship with Stephanie and I remember being shocked.  Okay, “shocked” is a strong word for two people I’ve never actually met, but I was truthfully surprised.  Apparently they’re doing well, so good for him.

I am Sam.  Hot but questionable taste.  I guess what happens on the ranch stays on the ranch.  Thank goodness!

Ali has written a book and does public speaking and Sam is a personal trainer.  Basically, they are success stories.  Sam tells the group he was the first contestant to leave the ranch at his goal weight.  Rulon tells us he is 15lbs away from his goal weight and if he has to go home, he’s okay with that.  Ali and Sam are running the workouts.

Why does everyone feel it is necessary to sit on the Olympian?

I wonder if that happens to him at grocery stores.  Jay tells us he likes favorites week even though it doesn’t involve hot naked guys (okay, he didn’t say that) and he feels like someone could actually win.  My theory is he has been there to win since he came back.  Does everybody remember he actually came there with a daughter??  Yeah, her name is Jen and she did really well and she was his inspiration and all that.  He hasn’t brought her name up in weeks.  Did he tear his shirt and proclaim her dead to him or something?

Jay:  A Self Portrait

Ali and Sam take the group into the kitchen and show them some healthy options for dinner.

Rulon hoarding chips in his room totally makes sense now.

Now the group is at the Auto Club Speedway of Southern California and there are a bunch of NASCAR-looking cars with their pictures on the hoods.

The engine on this one seems sluggish…like gumballs in the exhaust or something

The Wheaties car is flying around and out comes Clint Bowyer.  I have no idea who he is because I am not a race fan (or a Wheaties eater), but my extensive research tells me this:  He won the 2008 NASCAR Nationwide Series championship.  So good for him.  Hannah tells us she remembers this challenge clearly and it is one of her favorites.  She is the wikipedia of all things Biggest Loser.  Rulon loves NASCAR and he’s bopping up and down like a kid.  Alison Sweeney introduces the group to Clint.  He tells the group they are an inspiration and he’s thrilled to be there for this challenge.

“And seriously, what is up with Alison’s outfits this season??”

Amen, NASCAR dude.  Alison tells them they will have to pull their cars for ½ mile.  The twist?  They’re competing against Tara from season seven who was a finalist.  She also won the most challenges her season or something, which I do remember.  She was awesome at those challenges.  Since then, she’s started a foundation to focus on children and obesity and she’s getting ready to do an Iron Man competition in Hawaii.  I was not a fan of Tara during her season and I don’t really remember why…I have a feeling it will come back to me.

I will not comment on her thighs.  I will not comment on her thighs.

Hell, I will.  They’re bigger than my hair!

Tara is actually going to be competing in the competition for the prize.  Which makes absolutely no sense to me.  The winner gets to be a VIP guest of Clint’s at a race in Richmond, their face on a Wheaties box and $5000.00.  I guess people still eat Wheaties, right?  It is definitely a part of Americana.  I just wished they had more sugar or marshmallows or something.  Hence, my face never appearing on a Wheaties box.  Rulon tells us this is his chance.  Although he was an Olympic Gold Medal winner (hey, did you know that???), he wasn’t one of the athletes featured on the box.  I call that “LED” (Large Ear Discrimination).  I’m standing my ground based on that and will continue to not eat Wheaties.  The race starts and Rulon is off to a great start.  Tara and Austin are also doing well and then towards the end Tara kicks it up a notch and it ends up being a photo finish between her and Rulon.  And Tara wins.  She tells us she gets the money for her foundation and another trip with Clint to Richmond and her face on the Wheaties box.  I really think this is BS.  She hasn’t flown over 8 million miles in the last week and been away from her family for four months.  She could have been practicing pulling cars for weeks for this challenge.  Why would they let someone come back in and try and beat the contestants?  Olivia is happy a girl won and of course, Tara is excited about the win.  I think she should have let Rulon win.  I remember now that Tara was almost competitive to a fault and more than just a little self-centered.  My memory stinks, so if I’m off base with that, let me know.

And the storm clouds gather…

That whole thing just really ticked me off.  I realize if it would have been a former contestant who I really liked, I may feel differently, but I really feel sorry for Rulon.  He doesn’t really have any friends there and he seems extremely homesick.  And he had to eat hummus for lunch!  Poor guy…Bob just got off the late shift at Steak-n-Shake and is at the last chance workout.

They’re not hamburgers; they’re steakburgers…

During the last chance workout, Hannah tells us she wants to stay extremely focused and try and get her and her sister into the final four.  Hey Bottom Dweller, why don’t you worry about yourself?  Olivia has been doing just fine.  Austin feels like he has a lot to prove now that his Dad is gone.  I’m rooting for Austin for two reasons:  a) he seems like a nice kid and b) MAKEOVER WEEK!  Brett is doing his Capoiera crap again and shock among shocks, Cara is boxing.  Rulon is hanging all by himself on a treadmill and Cara thinks this is the perfect time to make him feel more uncomfortable by forcing a deep, meaningful conversation.  Rulon tells her he feels good and he didn’t come to the ranch to build a relationship.  He’s not worried about gaining weight at home.  Cara thinks that since he’s an OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, he’s probably tired of competing.  So, she seems okay with it.  Wow—that’s a real crock.  Unless he has some serious personal issues, I don’t see any of the trainers being happy about him quitting.

And if one more person climbs on my back, so help me God…

Meanwhile, Jillian is having a heart to heart mush talk with Irene.  Irene tells her she’s feeling the pressure of trying to lose two more pounds to hit the 100lb mark and she feels like she hasn’t learned how to have self confidence.  Jillian’s rocking some new bangs and starts yelling at her that she’s worth it and she deserves it.  Irene cries and snots up and that is the sign of a good breakthrough.

Mucous equals success!

It is time for the weigh in, but before we get started, Alison announces that Rulon has something to say.  He jogs up to the scale (remember when none of these people could jog??) and tells the group he is leaving the campus for personal reasons.  He says he did well and he’s really happy to get his life and he has his health back.  I think he’s still pissed about the car challenge and he’s scared of more one-on-one talks with Cara.  Bob is stunned and taken aback and thinks Rulon could have won the whole thing.  Austin takes the time to explain to us exactly what just happened.

Which we normally appreciate in a 2 hour show because we doze.  One hour?  We’re good, but thanks!

Everyone acts all bummed about it but at least Jay is honest and is happy to have it down to six.  That man definitely wants to win this thing.  Maybe he could buy something nice for that one girl who was there with him for a while at the start of the season.  Ol’ whatshername.  Everyone says good-bye to Rulon and Alison announces they are still doing the weigh in and one more person is going home.  Wow!  An hour long show and two people gone.  The pearly gates just popped open because baby, I am in heaven!  Irene is up first.  Last week she was at 157lbs and this week she lost 3lbs, hitting her goal of 100lbs and everyone is happy for her.  She’s proud of herself and seems a little embarrassed by the attention.  And to make this even more of the most shocking BL ever, Jillian cracks a smile.  Creepy.

Yeah, it scared me too.

Kaylee is up next and she reminds us she’s had a lot of up and down weeks.  This would be one of the “up” ones.  In pounds, that is.  She actually gained two pounds.  She has a pretty good attitude about it, even though she knows she’s totally in the hot seat.

As these two are…

Sidenote:  You know you’re getting to the end of the season when Alison is starting to look a lot bigger than the contestants.  These folks are getting downright thin!

So, Alison, last week you weighed in at…

Austin is next and he goes on and on about being by himself and then BAM!  He lost 7lbs and is definitely safe.  I can’t wait for makeover week.  How short will they cut his hair, you think?  Olivia is next.  Last week she was at 168lbs and this week—162lbs, so she is safe.  Bob goes on and on about how happy he is and Olivia is a total rock star and possibly the next messiah and the sugar cane for his Wheaties and…

The only time they miss Brett talking at the weigh in

Jay is next and he loses 7lbs.  As always, he’s not thrilled because he’s kind of sourpuss and you can just tell he’s worried he won’t win the whole thing.  As mentioned numerous times, that is clearly his goal since his spawn was sent home.  Hannah is the last one up and she has to lose more than 3lbs to be safe.  She lost 5lbs, so that means Kaylee and Irene are below the yellow line.  Kaylee seems to know the end is imminent, because Irene is much closer to the sisters than she is.  And although she gets Austin’s vote, the sisters’ votes knock her out.  Oh, Kaylee, it stinks not to be in the girl clique!

Kaylee is home and she tells us that she’s never had a boyfriend and never been kissed before the show, but now she has a boyfriend.  She’s dating that guy Vance who came back with his Mom to try and get on the show.  I didn’t recognize him at all.  Not because of his enormous weight loss, because he’s got a ways to go—especially compared to Kaylee.  No, I didn’t recognize him because that show was about 800 days ago, right?  How did she even get to know him?  He was on the ranch for about 20 minutes.  Are there after weigh-in parties we never see or what’s the deal?  I like Kaylee and hope she does well.  Also?

Screw the mean girls—I’m getting some!

Is it makeover week yet???  Thanks for joining me!