Biggest Loser–Captain [and] Cook

Hi and welcome back to the “It is no longer about Arthur” show!  I have mixed feelings about Arthur’s dismissal last week—he wasn’t putting up the numbers everyone expected him to and he used game play early on for dubious reasons.  However, it was a little heartbreaking to see him sobbing away last week, putting up a good number (better than most of the Red team) and he still got ousted.  But let’s move past that now.  Let’s bring in new drama!!

We start this week where we left off and the Red team has just sent Arthur into the (hopefully) angry arms of Jesse at home.  Alison brings in the Black team to join them because guess what?  There’s a twist.  You know what a twist on this show would be?  Everybody works out really hard and the person who loses the least amount of weight goes home.  Groundbreaking, I know.  This version of the twist is that each team will pick a captain and that person will make important decisions for the team this week.  She does not say what those decisions will be and demands the teams pick their captains right away.  The Red team immediately picks Justin.

Because nothing says “confident leader” more than a guy who hasn’t slept in 4 years.

For the Black team, they go with Mama Bear, Marci who immediately tells us she will sacrifice herself and go home before any of “her” girls.  Great—way to dispel any possible chance of drama/suspense for this week.  Let’s FF to the weigh in!  Kidding…there’s so much more to this show, amiright???  Leader Justin immediately gets into his 5^th grade dodgeball mode with “Bring it on, Marci”.  Meanwhile, Moses has lost weight in his face and it has settled in his nose.

Maybe “nose to the grindstone” shouldn’t really be a metaphor.

Kidding, Moses.  I could have done a rhymie thing with Moses and noses, but that would be mean and frankly, I’m just not that creative.  Back at the house, Marci gets a “C” shown on her jacket (is nothing too big for the Biggest Loser budget or what???) and she reveals her first decision as leader of the Black team.  She has to pick one person who will do all of the cooking for the rest of the team, for the entire week.  She chooses Princess Leia (Olivia—still wearing that stupid hairstyle) and Olivia seems happy about it.  The second big decision—only two people from their team get to work out with the trainers.  Marci decides to go with Sarah and Hannah.  Hannah is apparently the stronger one and Marci feels she could really help Sarah in the gym.  See?  That’s kind of the problem with starting with so many people—we barely know Sarah, so what’s her deal?  Hannah is NOT happy about the decision because she doesn’t want to be lumped in with Sarah which is a) kind of mean and b) probably true.  So, she stomps off like a four year old.  A former star volleyball playing four year old, that is.  So, the two chosen ones head off to the gym and Bob and Jillian are there and immediately start moaning, “Where’s everyone else?” and “What’s going on?” and “Why are my big tennis shoes just flopping around?”

Because you let Alison dress you

Bob chooses Sarah because he feels like he needs to get to know her.  She worked out with Brett and Cara earlier in the season until Arthur switched her to the Black team, so she’s looking forward to working with Bob.  Ass kisser.  Well, what we don’t know about Sarah (and evidently, Bob didn’t either) is that she was in a serious car wreck about 3 years ago and couldn’t walk for a while.  She’s worried about muscle atrophy and physical activity.  Bob starts calling her “baby muscles” which if he were doing it to be funny would be pretty amusing.  But I’ve never really witnessed a sense of humor in Bob.

Even the hair is serious….see?  It’s frowning

So, Bob’s working with Sarah who is getting all kinds of the loser’s edit with so much air time and just when you think it is all good—she starts puking which as we know, excites Jillian to no end.  Because she is one serious goofball.  Like throwing up really means anything?  “Hey, Jillian—-I drank a bottle of Peach Schnapps last night and now..brrrrrrfffffff…Hey, I must be in shape!”

Dear future adopted Jillian baby, Spit up a lot—Mommy will love you more

Meanwhile, the Red team trainers (Brett and Cara) are wearing black to confuse me.  They’re all ready to see their whole team to train and they have these backpacks ready for them to work out with.  The backpacks contain the amount of weight they’ve lost so far.  Captain Justin picked Kaylee and Ken and they saunter over to the trainers and Cara hilariously asks, “How many people were eliminated?”  Yes, Cara—12 people went home last night.  Dumbass.  Oh, and Alison took over your locker.  She may look sweet, but really?  A total bully.  A little flashback shows Justin announcing his decision to his team about Kaylee and Ken and says it is all about healing.  Okay?  Brett tells the two trainees a lot of people went home last week and didn’t do so well on the scale so his theme is all about remembering the past or forgetting it or something.  Anyway, they have to work out with the backpacks on and for Ken that means 91lbs and Kaylee it is 54lbs.  Brett is working with Kaylee and he vows to break her.  Cara is with Ken and it looks like her plan is to kill him.

Or scare him into celibacy

Ken tells us thinks Justin meant healing because so little weight was lost after Ken returned back from home.  He says he has a lot of stress and his wife was depressed.  He’s being very  vague about all this.  Arthur brought up Ken’s family problems at the elimination last week and now this is kind of surfacing.  WTH is going on at Ken and Austin’s house???  I’m pretty sure he doesn’t keep his wife locked up in the attic, but who knows????

Maybe that dress does deserve a lil’ Flowers in the Attic treatment

Cara would love to help him out but unfortunately, she cannot quit talking long enough to let him get a word in edgewise.  Seriously, all she does is talk over him.  Back with the non-trained Black team, Marci is making her team jog on the path outside and everyone’s talking about winning the weigh in.

When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way…

Back with Hannah and Jillian, Hannah is worried the treadmill is going too fast and she’s telling Jillian she thinks the team (meaning:  Marci) picked her because she needs it the most.  Jillian wants her to say “I am strong” and to name 5 reasons why she can kick ass on the treadmill.  Sadly, none of them include “Because I’m on camera”.  Jillian pushes her even faster and Hannah does well.  Now all of a sudden Hannah is THRILLED with Marci.  OMG—this is exactly what she needed to get motivated.  I can sit here and say “I am strong” and name 5 reasons why I should be a princess, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  Harry…call me!

Other trainers told me to say, “I have greasy hair”….sobbing…

Meanwhile, Olivia is working hard in the kitchen…actually serving her teammates and they’re all being kind of bitchy and demanding.  Irene is asking for a lemon for her water about 3 feet from the kitchen.  Really?

Irene, this is what happens when you don’t get your own lemons

Olivia is worried she’s spending so much time in the kitchen, she’s not getting a good workout.  How many meals is she cooking?  And for 7 people?  She keeps equating it to mothers at home who have to fit this in with their schedules.  She bitches enough the rest of the team brings in some spinning equipment so she can work out 5 feet away from the kitchen.  I really want to see what her menus consist of.  Aren’t there 5 tons of fruit just sitting around in big bowls and isn’t Cara always pushing those stupid breakfast bars?  Naturally, I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a bunch of large, sweaty hungry people at the end of the day, but it does seem like Princess Childs here is taking it a little seriously.

Never once did we suspect the rigorous butt clenching exercises that went on while she served the roast beef

Let’s check in with Brett and Cara, shall we?  Brett is working with Kaylee who really struggled when she went home.  She says she went home and everything felt the same.  Brett thinks she doesn’t feel it inside.  She’s had years of never thinking she was good enough and really?  These are her deep feelings and the emotional barrier?  Wow, Kaylee.  They would have self help groups for that but there is not an auditorium big enough to fit, you know, THE WORLD.  No accident?  No chunky kids at home who she’s setting a bad example for?  Not even a little disease?  Pink eye?  Yawn.

Get back to us when you’re tragic

The Red team, sans trainers, is being led by their Captain, Justin.  He’s busy barking out orders and pontificating about how they’re all strong and such…and then we see flashbacks of what got him here.

Plastic furniture can really, really hurt people and suck the color right out of them

Oh, I’m sure there was a lot more to it and I apologize if I glossed over it.  I don’t care for Justin all that much and I can’t really figure out why.  Is it because everybody else is really nice?  Does there have to be a villain?  Why, yes.  Yes, there does.  Hannah is a close second, but I’m sticking with Justin as mine.  Anyhoo, Ken is the team cook for the Red team and he also is bitching about cooking for 7 people and getting his work out in.  Folks—there is a reason God made Lean Cuisine.  Two or three of them make a great meal.  He is making chili and complaining.

Recapper training tip:  To get rid of fat in the head, place large Ziploc over head and breathe repeatedly.  Suddenly cooking will seem a lot better.

Ken tells us that the girls are much better at measuring than the guys are (feel free to insert your own “6 inches” joke here) and he is trying to explain very carefully to the group how many calories are in each spoon of dressing.  Moses is all, “f**k that” and dumps another one on.  HAHA.  Austin tells us it is so nice to see his Dad multi-task.  Measuring salad dressing?  Cooking and talking?  What is he talking about?  Is Ken mentally challenged and we didn’t know it?  Austin is making his Dad sound a lot like a simpleton here.  But maybe he is and that is why his wife is depressed.  Maybe he forgot to tell her where he was going to be for six months then he swooped home for two weeks and drank Wishbone out of the bottle and then left again.  Maybe she has plastic couches too.  Hell, I don’t know.  But his chili looks nasty.  No cheese?  Not an entire sleeve of Saltines to accompany it?  Blech.

Brett decides he needs to barge in on Moses and Kaylee in their room and get to the bottom of why Moses needs to be here.  Kaylee tells Moses he needs to be here for him, not her and not anyone else.  Moses acts like a light bulb went on and exclaims, “I need to take care of myself so I can take care of you [and the rest of his family, presumably]” or something similar.  Um, okay?   Maybe Moses was just covering up what he and Kaylee were really up to.  What’s with the big map?

(Moses in Samoan):  And then we’ll break out by going over the East wall, once I can climb over it.

It is challenge time!  Alison greets the group at a huge mud pit.  They have to get on these bouncy things and work their way down 100 yards, over obstacles and not have any part of their body fall off the bouncy thing.  The winning team gets to split $6000.00 among them.  Cheers all around and Courtney checks in with us to tell us how much she likes challenges.  Then Marci decides who is going to sit out on the Black team (who has an extra member) and she chooses Courtney.  LOL, editors.  Courtney is not happy at all about this.  The captains decide at which interval each team member will join the race and Justin puts Ken last.  I told you that chili sucked.  Hannah inexplicably is excited for the challenge.

Let me guess, you used to be a “kneel on a bouncy thing in the mud while maneuvering over and under obstacles while not touching the ground” champion, right?

Really, Hannah, who wasn’t?  The Red team starts out in the lead but then Moses slips in the mud and they have to start over.  Sarah is worried she’s going to mess this up and because he is Justin, he verbalizes that about her as well.  Ken is the last player on the Red to join the race and he’s an immediate mess and Justin gets mad about that.  Naturally, Ken slips up and they have to go back.  The girls are much more focused—awesome measuring abilities have that effect.  And the winner is…Wait!  Let’s check in with Alison and her outfit.

If you need to feel pretty in a cotton jersey, stand next to Alison.  Way to go, Courtney!

The Black team wins!  They celebrate and Justin fumes, “We’ll get them at the weigh in”.   And it is time for the last chance workout!  Cara and Brett are yelling at their team “I’m a fighter” and Austin reminds us his team didn’t do so well last week after spending a couple of weeks at home.  Two words, Austin:  Shitty friends.  Cara is busy physically pushing all of the players because it is really all about self confidence.  Getting pushed around helps that?  Wait. Just. A. Minute.  Cara got promoted?

The wall must have been talking too much about its own feelings

I wish I had my own quote on the BL gym wall.  “Beer is a fat free food.  Empty calories need love too.”  Cara is pushing people hard down on the mat and forcing them to get right back up again.  It would take a lot of self control not to just clock her at this point, so I’m kind of impressed.  Cara is pushing Justin hard and reminding him of what he used to be.  And he’s yelling back about how he’s a leader.  Then she’s totally in his personal space and the whole thing gets uncomfortable for me to watch and probably smelly for her to breathe in.

Is that chili in your goatee?

Back with the winning Black team and the real trainers, Bob is pushing everyone to run harder on the treadmill and tells the group Jillian thinks he’s a coddler, so he does this fake yell think that is totally unconvincing.  I’m thinking “coddler” was maybe not the word she actually used.  Sarah’s goal is to not throw up, but that’s a pretty effective weight loss technique, so why are you holding back?  Push yourself, girl.  Olivia says there is momentum after winning the challenge and Sarah feels like this is a pivotal week for her.  I don’t remember what Hanna’s motivating words were about the weigh in, but I am reminded why our blinds are closed at home so we can’t see the neighbor’s lawn from inside our house.

Hi, neighbors!

Hannah’s neighborhood

Why did she have to do that outside?  I’m don’t get the mail with shorts on, for goodness’ sake.  It’s called respect for others.  I’m starting to think Hannah’s a little off.  Okay, let’s get to the weigh in!  First things first, we are reminded the Black team has won 3 of the last 4 weigh ins, which is impressive, since all these chicks are getting pretty skinny.  So, they’re probably screwed this time around.  Hey, let’s check in with Alison!

Macrame—for ALL kinds of hanging baskets.

The Red team is up first and of course, team captain Justin is the first one on the scale.  He was at 262lbs last week and he loses 8lbs this week.  Which makes Brett really happy which…yikes.

Maybe you should stick with a tighter smile.

Rulon also loses 8lbs, bringing him down to 342lbs.  Moses is up next and I’m a little nervous for him because I really like him.  He loses 8lbs.  Yay!  Kaylee is next up there and she loses 5lbs, which brings her down to 174lbs.  Her Grudge-like hair probably weighs 10 of that.  Brett and his feral teeth chime in to reinforce his training method as Jillian looks on patronizingly.

Whatever…no vomit smell…no success…

And really, we haven’t seen any Brett quotes on the wall yet, so I’m just not sure how seriously we should take him.  Austin goes from 289 to 283, which is better than he did last week.  Ken is up next and he’s already whining about spending so much time in the kitchen.  Geez, get over it man.  Next time, make your chili for 1000 people, dump the crap in Ziplocs and freeze him.   If they don’t want the same damn thing every night, they can eat the troughs of fruit.   With all his complaining, Ken still loses 9lbs.  So, lighten up Rachel Ray.  Meanwhile, Cara does a quick update on the economy.

Silver is going up and gold is going down.  Okay, thanks!

So, after it is all said and done, the Black team has to beat 35lbs or an average of 5lbs per person, which I think might be doable.  Marci is up first and even though she’s already at 167lbs, she still loses 5lbs.  Dang.  Jillian agrees, calling her a specimen.

I concur, sir

Courtney is up next and…

*record scratch*

Is Bob betrothed?  Holy google, I must find out.…

Hey, Google is stumped!  No one knows, so if you do—fill me in.  He’s sporting a ring I’ve never seen so…I guess that doesn’t mean anything.

Oh, wait…yep…he’s married…”No, really…tell me how your WHOLE day was…”

He can wear whatever he wants for whatever reason.  Alison would wear a toilet paper core if they let her.  Okay…back to Courtney.  She loses 5lbs.  She has lost 82lbs on the ranch and another 100 just preparing for the ranch, so kudos to her.  I think I said weeks ago Courtney was going to be a knock out as the weight came off and you can tell, despite the heavy make-up, that she is a really pretty girl.  Irene is up next and she’s at 185lbs.  She also loses 5lbs and wow, she is so close to not even needing to be on the ranch any more.  Not only because she’s come so far, but because it is like she’s not even there.  Do the camera people think she works for production or something?  Or maybe based on the strategy of last week, “I’m just going to run”, maybe they realize they’re not really wasting any time at all by not filming her.  So, the Red team still needs to lose 20lbs.  Sarah is up next and she only loses 4lbs, bringing her down to 190.  She’s disappointed, but Bob sticks up for her saying that 4lbs was lost in blood, sweat and tears.  What about everyone else’s weight loss, Bob?  Cherry ice cream and chocolate muffins?  Chef Olivia gets up there and starts rambling about the Moms of America again and how they make everything work for their homes and balance life and workouts and whatever and then…

Keep us out of it.   Love, Moms of America

Yep, she lost only 2lbs.  Hannah is up next and she also only loses 2lbs…so for those keeping track, the two people on this team who actually had one on one time with the trainers all week have done very poorly.  Lesson learned—stay the hell away from trainers.  Jennifer is the last to go and to save the Red team from the elimination room, she would have to have lost 12lbs.  She’s already laughing as she walks up to the scale.  All smiling ceases as a 1lb loss shows up.  Wow, team captain Marci, WTH?

Word

So, the Red team wins the weigh in.  Courtney tells us that her Mom will sacrifice herself to save the young girls and normally I would bitch about that, but Marci is looking pretty good and I would think she’s got a pretty clear path at home.  And then….hahahahaha….Alison announces that Marci had the highest amount of weight loss and she is IMMUNE from getting eliminated.  I don’t know why that’s funny to me, but it is.  Boy, this would have been the challenge to throw.  It is kind of nice, though, that she really thought the girls had a chance to beat the big boys, so there’s that.

So, there’s really no surprise in the elimination room as Sarah gets ousted.  She was an outsider, forced to the Black team by Arthur and now that she’s had a pivotal week and she’s no longer scared of her baby muscles, she’s going home.  She does well at home and is excited to work on building her own family.  Her husband’s a cutie and he seems totally supportive, but what is up with these people and their yards???

Biggest Loser—The sole driver of increased privacy fence sales

So, that’s it for this week.  Not enough drama with the whole “Team Captain” thing.  Everybody’s too nice.  I liked Justin more after this episode and Hannah and Olivia much less.  Let’s make them the villains next week!!  Thanks for joining me.