Biggest Loser: Come Together

NBC, famous for wildly misleading promos, pounded “Live Reveal” in our heads for a week before the big show on Tuesday.  Pray tell, oh master of the losing network ratings, what is the big Live Reveal???  If you watched the show, you would know it was the lamest attempt at pulling in more drama.  Quite frankly, it was unnecessary, awkward, actually quite annoying and made me want to eat Fritos, which was confusing for a simpleton like me.  This season of Biggest Loser has enough drama already.

And drama queens

Before we dive right in, I’d like to take a second to address some of the great comments from last week’s show/recap.

Considerthis:  I’ve always assumed Bob is gay—not sure really why, but my extensive research (coughwikicough) does not go into his sexual preferences.  However, I did learn that he was named Sexiest Male Vegetarian of the year by PETA.  This then begs the question:  Is there also a prize for Sexiest Male Carnivore award, sponsored by the Pork Foundation? I can imagine the winner’s sash already:  “The Other White Meat”.

Vroxas:  I agree that Bob had a definite hissy fit about the whole Camp Pendleton thing last week.  I chalk it up to either him feeling smug about his own training methods vs. the Marines or he has very strong feelings about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (see above).

Diana:  MREs would have been both awesome and hilarious.  And I am now rooting for Boston Brendan makes it as far as makeover week because the thought of your suggested wig makeover had me rolling.

Ohpleaseohplease

HAHA—I am such a great artist!  We start this week with Bob skulking around some random person’s house at night—always a good idea.  I would have loved to see one of the neighbors go all Gran Torino on his ass.

Get off my lawn!

Donned in Johnny Cash black, he explains to us he is there for the big show’s Live Reveal.  He is at the home of one of the show’s eliminated players.  Yes, he said one of the eliminated players, so we know for sure there will be two.  Then he tells us he hasn’t seen the players yet.  He’s wandering around looking all suspicious and frankly, a little scared.

If this is Wisteria Lane, I am screwed

So, he tells us he’s there with the contestants’ families and fans of the show to help support the eliminated players.

The actual show begins by reintroducing us to the remaining 10 contestants.  At this point, I know these people better than my own cousins.  My first cousins.  It is now week 8 and the bedroom cameras (um, yuck?) show our players sleeping and apparently dreaming about their time with the Marines.  I would have loved to have seen a real dream camera in their heads.  My fave Ada would have been dreaming about hot sweaty shirtless Marines hitting on her on some beach while she looks fantastic in a swimsuit and her horrible parents are serving her food and drinks and then her awful father is massaging her feet, just before he gets attacked by a landshark.  Oh, and there is a little person playing chess in the background with a Shriner in one of those little parade cars, decorated like a Taco Bell.  Dreams can be jacked up.

The teams go in to the kitchen and are greeted by Alison.  She tells the group it is time to change up the teams and it will no longer be black versus blue.  They get their original t-shirts back.  Laundered, I hope.  But…they’re not competing as singles; they’re competing as teams of two!  One person will have full control and assign all the teams and there will be a double elimination.  They will find out the new teams at dinner that same day.  Mark immediately tells us he wants to be with someone strong.

A genius, this one

Of course, everyone wants to be with someone strong so they can avoid falling below the yellow line and being up for elimination.  I mean, everyone, right?  Well, not our Lisa.  She tells us and everyone there she is ready to go home and she’s actually 60/40.  Sixty percent wanting to stay and 40% wanting to go home.  Jesse jumps on Flight Obvious with:  “No one wants to be on Lisa’s team because she won’t work that hard.”

Now if she were 61/39, then hell yeah!

In the gym, Jillian pulls her disappointed Mom face and reminds everyone how bad their weigh in went last week and that 3 people actually gained weight—making Biggest Loser history.

And your father and I did not raise you that way

Bob wants to move forward and he grabs Brendan, Ada and Patrick to work with in the gym.  They are the strong ones and he wants to show them no mercy.  He pretty much kicks their ass all over the gym and I had to LOL at Patrick trying to do a longer interview on camera, just to take a break.  Jillian has the rest of the group and she yelts, “Just when you think you have it under control, I push the ‘up’ button”.  The ‘up’ button?  Is she forcing long elevator rides?  She tells us her and Bob are going to kill everybody.  Which would be part gory, part alarming but not very sensible as seeing no contestants=no show.

Jesse and Aaron are doing the maximum speed on their machines and are really getting along, doing sweaty fistbumps and being all-around nice guys.  Ada explains to us that she doesn’t want to be lumped in with the girls and she is nervous.  She wants to be with one of the boys.  Inexplicably, Wheezy actually wants to be with Lisa.  Lisa takes immediate control and says if they’re put together, she’ll run the whole show on their training/eating before the weigh in.  This is important later.

Brendan wants to really push it at the work out because he believes if the challenge is a temptation one, he’ll go all the way to win it.  He wants the power.  Shocked?  Anyone?  I didn’t think so.  And with that, they all head to dinner with Alison.

Do they not even own other clothes on the ranch??  Looks like a Golden Corral

Alison seats them around the table in order of their total percentage of weight loss.  Well that makes total sense and something a lot of people do.  We used to do it by Systolic and Diastolic blood pressure readings, but the Applebee’s servers were getting so impatient.  Of course, in this case, it is done to spike up the drama of the team choosing.  Mark is in the first slot as he has had the highest percentage of weight loss and if the show ended right now, he’d win.  Although the contestants are fully aware of this, Mark kind of looks like he wants to throttle her.

Ixnay on the eightway osslay

Brendan tells us he’s right in the middle—not the best and not the worst so his strategy is working.  Whatever.  He’s apparently so brilliant he can not only control his own weight loss, but the weight loss of others.  The competition itself is a temptation challenge.  Whoever eats the most calories at dinner wins the prize of picking the teams.  Eating off each other’s plates is never discussed, so I assume they’re not at all like my family.  Jesse tells us he wants to win because he wants to be with Patrick and he trusts Patrick.  Warning bells.  No one is to be trusted, Jesse.  In case you haven’t been listening to Brendan, this is a game.  Here is how it works:  each person picks an appetizer, without revealing their answers.  Then the appetizers are served.  As soon as that first course is served, it’ll be fairly obvious who is playing to win the game and who is not, as the options are both healthy and unhealthy.  Brendan tells us he’s already told Frado and Patrick not to even worry about the competition, because he will take the burden of eating all the calories.

A true giver, this one

Round one:  Mark (salad—not playing); Ada (prosciutto—um, kind of playing?); Jesse (beet salad—playing); frado (salad, not playing); Aaron (creamy tomato soup—playing and yummmm); Brendan (meatballs—so playing); lisa (salad—not playing); Jessica (salad, not playing) and Wheezy (calamari—um, kind of playing?).  So, Brendan is playing the hardest.  Aaron , Jesse, Ada and maybe Wheezy are kind of playing.  For the entrée course, Brendan tells us he’s going for anything fried.  Aaron tells us he views Brendan as a threat and vice versa.  Brendan and Aaron end up getting big ol’ steaks and Wheezy goes for salmon because it is an easier plate to finish.  The calories don’t count if they don’t finish the entire thing.  Where the hell is the wine list?  I’d skip all this nonsense, drink a few bottles of wine and vomit later after my calories were counted.  You can hand me my crown right now, thank you.  Brendan finally makes Aaron an offer.  If Aaron will back off the challenge and let Brendan win, he’ll give Aaron the partner he wants.  Aaron wants Jesse.  Awww….bromance bloometh.  Aaron and Brendan come to an agreement and Aaron backs out of the competition.  Just when you think it’s over, it is the dessert round.  If Brendan doesn’t choose wisely, he could still lose this thing.  Lisa decides to order this decadent chocolate dessert that looked awesome.  Problem is:  she’s not playing the game, she just wanted the dessert.

And it just became a little hotter in there

Lisa pisses everyone off by eating the entire cake (except for the fruit on top—-haha) and telling everyone she just wanted it.  She thought it was around 700-800 calories.  Alison gets in her face and spits, “It’s 1400 calories!”.  I expected her to say, “Donkey!” right after it, but sadly, she did not.  Frado immediately jumps on her ass and starts yelling about other people who want to be on the show and she’s just not taking it seriously.  Wow—this would so be the group of people I would be seated next to in a restaurant.  Awkward. 

Bitter, party of 9

Brendan ends up winning (yawn) as he consumed 3500 calories, so he chooses the teams and here we go…He keeps his promise to Aaron and puts him with Jesse.  Frado is with Mark; Lisa is with Wheezy; Ada is with Jessica and with that, Patrick gets to be Brendan’s partner.  Oh, boy.  Everyone seems happy with their teammates, except for Ada.  She is upset that Aaron got to pick who he wanted to be with and she didn’t get either of her choices.  Now, I’m a big Ada fan, but if she really wanted to control her own destiny without counting on others to do it for her, she should have maybe tried to win the competition.

Don’t make me root for someone else

And we’re back to Bob, pumping us up for the big Live Reveal and that’s all I’m going to say about that.  And we’re back at the ranch.  Lisa and Wheezy are talking and Lisa proclaims that they can do it—this will be the week.  Lisa wants to go on a special diet Bob taught her and she’ll do all the cooking, if Wheezy will clean.  If it’s a diet Bob taught Lisa, I’d be wary of it.  Bob doesn’t seem to be a big fan of Lisa and “Antifreeze/spinach pie” doesn’t sound very tasty.  I’d be careful, our little princess of the palpitations.

You in danger, girl

At the work out, Ada is griping to her partner Jessica about how she felt betrayed, etc, etc.  Jessica says she feels hurt too.  If I were Jessica, I’d tell Ada to please zip it as Ada’s alarmingly absent confidence in Jessica would start to become very upsetting.  In other words, STFU Ada, now you’re hurting Jessica’s feelings.  Bob comes into the gym to talk about the competition and he wants to know who played.  Lisa immediately fesses up about the dessert.  Bob instantly gets in her face and says, “You don’t want to be here.  You’re ready to go home.  I feel sorry for Wheezy.”  [he didn’t actually say “Wheezy” but you know…]  Now, I’m not on Lisa’s side here or anything, but it was a piece of cake.  It is not like she went all zombie on everyone and started taking chunks of flesh from their arms and thighs.

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!  Really, guys…

Bob asks Brendan why he did boys versus girls and Ada jumps in saying she’s worried.  Frado tells her they’re all feeling worried.   She snaps and says, “I’m sorry to have these feelings!”.  Brendan says he knew she would be upset but he sticks by his decision.  Wheezy pipes up (as much as she can) and says Lisa needs to be here and she can help her.  Lisa then jumps on Bob (unfortunately, not literally) and asks, “Why do you think I want to leave?”  Bob gets pissed and says, “Why are you turning this on me?”  Um, because you started it?  He predicts two girls will be going home this week and he’s mad at Brendan about the whole boys vs girls thing.  Gee, after that lovely little pep talk, it is time to work out!  Brendan explains to us he is going to work out 90 minutes longer than normal to make up for the 3500 calories he ate.  Jesse tells us he really likes Aaron but worried that Aaron is a threat and now they’ll both have that target on their back.  After a 2 ½ hour workout with just Bob, he sends them outside to work with Jillian.

Just when you thought it was safe to leave the gym; a random parade, sponsored by a vicious non-Marine

They’re already exhausted but Jillian pushes them all even harder, using some boxing ring that just randomly sprang up in the field.  Jillian tells us that losing two more girls this week would really suck and she is worried about the game aspect of the well…game.  Jill pulls Ada aside to talk and tries to get her focus on weight loss and not on the drama of the game.  Jillian tells her that winning the show doesn’t define her.  And that $250,000 really isn’t enough to put a hit on her parents, but honestly, it would be a hell of a start.

Trainer Recapper Tip:  The healthiest way to deep fry chicken is to wear a shirt while doing so.

And it is Challenge time!  Alison reminds the contestants the theme for this season is to pay it forward.  One of their jobs as future role models (Brendan, any kind of model?  *snort*) is to teach people how to eat.  She tells them each person consumes 150lbs of sugar a year.  And then shows them huge (150lbs worth, I assume) piles of sugar cubes.  At this point, I was really hoping a herd of wild horses would be unleashed on the screaming and fleeing contestants, but once again, I am disappointed.  Brendan tells us he used to keep a 2 liter bottle of soda next to his bed and by morning it was gone.  WTH?  How big is this boy’s bladder?  Just the thought of that makes me have to pee.

Brendan’s bladder

The challenge is to stack the sugar cubes, one at a time, until they reach 5 feet.  They have to run back and forth to do this and the winning team will get a week at the Biggest Loser Resort for them and three guests.  Jessica tells us her Dad is in the construction business or something and she knows how to stack.  Or snack.  Either way, she feels confident.  Brendan would bring 3 of his students (kind of random and creepy) and Mark would bring his overweight Mom, obviously large enough to fill the other three spots.  At fifty-five minutes of running and stacking sugar cubes (I know—riveting!), Ally announces a sugar rush.  They now have two minutes to grab handfuls of sugar cubes to complete their towers.  Mark and Frado are snapping back and forth at each other and Aaron and Jesse have a total fit of church giggles and can’t stop laughing.  Ada and Jessica win the challenge!

I would have been licking my fingers (and others’ fingers) like crazy, not running them through sweaty hair

I’m avoiding the incredibly awkward product placement portion of the show because it was painful to watch.  For those of you who watched this, can we agree that Patrick should keep his day job and not try and be a spokesperson?

Totally Not Billy Mays, RIP

Bob pulls Lisa into a little side lounge/office at the ranch to have a little chat.  Or maybe he’s going to go all Reservoir Dogs on her.  I think it is really sad that I long for violence on this show.  He actually wants to remind her why she’s here.  He pops in the DVD of her in the beginning and she gets very upset.

Or is the smelly rock potpourri getting to her?

She talks again about her daughter starving herself for attention so she wouldn’t be fat like her Mom.  Bob really wants a fresh start with her.  Spoiler alert—that fresh start will last until the weigh in.  HA!  They hug it out and it looks very painful for Bob to be touching her.  I just really believe he doesn’t like her.  She must really be a pill to be around.

Last chance workout!  Jillian thinks Aaron is way too nice and too sheepish.  How does she think anyone is not too sheepish?  He keeps saying he’s sorry and he’s not comfortable being a success.  I heart Aaron a bunch.  He thinks he is just a big ol’ letdown.  Jillian calls him honey and then tells him she’s going to work his butt off.  She says if you don’t puke, faint or die, just keep going.  And then she hits on him with her lady parts.

Subtle, Jill.  It’s like some bad women’s prison movie

And on cue, Aaron throws up.  Bwahahahaha…

It’s time for the weigh in.  Alison asks Jesse what he liked about Aaron.  Jesse says that he is not worried.  Aaron worked incredibly hard.  Bob starts in on Lisa (again!) for cooking all of Wheezy’s food and the Jillian starts yelling at Wheezy about not taking care of herself and letting herself be enabled.  If she keeps doing that, she will fail.  The whole time Alison is just standing there, wishing she could hit the road for the last hour of drink specials at Maxie’s.

They put the “man” in Manhattan

Yeah, I don’t really know what that meant either, but now I’m powerfully thirsty.  Okay, let’s get on the scale!  Frado and Mark are first and their combined weight loss is 30lbs (Frado with 18 and Mark with 12).  Jesse and Aaron are next and their combined weight loss is 20lbs.  Uh oh.  Jesse lost 16lbs (yikes!) and Aaron lost only 4lbs.  Alison wants to talk about it.  Jillian assures Aaron he did nothing wrong and he did amazing.  And don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.

Lisa and Elizabeth get up there and they look thrilled to be in the room.

I am now 99/1

They are both (kind of rightfully) pissed about being attacked.  They each lost 8lbs, for a total of 16lbs.  Wheezy is upset about the trainers and then Lisa starts attacking Bob.  And it is really kind of awesome.  She yells something like, “You don’t find it insulting?”  And then Jillian starts shouting, “Why don’t you do us a solid and just throw the weigh in and GO HOME!”.  Bob starts in with how he’s wasting time on her when other people want to be there.  Lisa blames Frado and Brendan for all the game play and they are purposely keeping the weaker ones.  Frado starts defending himself and pretty soon Aaron tells Frado to back off and they get into a shouting match.  Aaron yells, “Don’t tell ME not to get involved”.  Jesse jumps in and immediately gets bleeped.  Best weigh in ever.  Jillian finishes it up telling Wheezy and Lisa to be happy with your weight loss and quit creating drama.

Positively thrilled

And it is Patrick and Brendan’s turn.  Patrick tells us he knows they’ll get voted out if they fall below the line.  Which is absolutely true.  But no worries on that one.  Total weight loss for those two is 37lbs, with 3500 calorie Brendan losing 18 of them.  Dang, makes me want to go out to dinner.  Which makes me glad I don’t work out and have to add that extra 90 minutes.  So with that, Aaron and Jesse are definitely going to be up for elimination.  Last up is Ada and Jessica.  They have to lose more than 15lbs to stay and…and…commercial break!  And…and…they lost 18lbs!  Ada, please lighten up and stay my favorite again.

Please be my ninja girl again.  Miss you, girl!

The other teams have one hour to decide.  If one team gets just 2 votes, they are gone.  Mark and Frado voted for Aaron and Jesse (of course) and shockingly, Jessica and Ada voted for Lisa and Wheezy.  I guess they’re more interested in people who want to be there than with all the strategery going on.

And there is a lot of it

Brendan and Patrick vote out Aaron and Jesse.  Total game play and poor Jesse is super pissed at Patrick and says he IS taking it personally.  And then he totally disses Patrick at the “hug it out” with the other teams.

No longer Jesse’s girl

And now that Aaron and Jesse are gone, it is time for the Live Reveal.  Yep, Bob is at Aaron’s house and they show how great he has done since he’s been home from the ranch.  And then Jesse comes around the corner (did he move in?) and he looks great too.  No family members or fans were involved in this at all.  It was like all of the videos we normally see, with the skinnier contestant holding up their big boy/girl jeans and then revealing their smaller selves.  Of course, Aaron did trap little London in his tent pants, but other than that…whaaa?  Why all the build up for that?   Biggest Loser—are we going to have trust issues??

Until next week…