Biggest Loser: Fin-Ali!

Hi, everybody!  A big ol’ thanks to SexyPanda for her hilarious recap of last week’s episode.  I was enjoying a delightful Caribbean cruise or what I lovingly like to call , “Biggest Loser Auditions—American Tourist Edition”.  Wow—I think I even saw a woman eating chocolate chip cookies in the empty workout room.  But enough about that—this is what we’ve been waiting for:  The Biggest Loser Finale!  Better known as—“Alison Sweeney Needs To Do Only Recorded Shows, Because Really Blows At The Live Stuff”.  God love her.  I’m sure she’s a sweet lady and all, but she is no Ryan Seacrest or even (heaven forbid), Julie Chen.

Alison starts it off with reminding us that “Just” five months ago, Irene, Jay, Olivia and Hannah were all huge and unhealthy.  Since then, we’ve they’ve endured the longest Biggest Loser season yet.  The camera scans the crowd, filled with signs and screaming people and Steven Tyler at the wrong live finale.

“Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas”

Alison is pretty in pink tonight, so I really can’t tease her about her awful wardrobe, but don’t worry—the night is young.  Very young.   Okay—too young.  Spolier Alert:  She’ll give us plenty to tease her about later.  She tells the audience that for the first time in BL history, there could be an all female finale.  They pretend to hear what she said and scream louder because here is the thing about Alison—she never waits for the audience noise to die down before she begins talking again.  It is really quite hilarious.  I imagine they catch about the last two words of every sentence she speaks.

“…yes, tonight!”

“…the prize!”

“…hard work!”

“…purple bananas!”

Is that Marlee Matlin?

I’m going to stop the festivities right now and continue to pout that I still wish Courtney was in the finale.  Pouting is now over.  We get about four minutes of flashbacks and Holy FivemonthsofmylifeI’llnevergetback—I don’t remember half of these people.  Did you?  For once, I actually appreciated the flashbacks because it helped me recognize who these people were when they came out.

Not that I would ever forget Chitty Chitty Bang Bang here…

Sorry, I’m rambling again—see what a week off does?  Alison introduces the scale and the audience “oohs” and “aaahs”…a lot like most people do when they see a scale.  Alison introduces us first to Jay and Irene, who are relying on America’s vote to get them to the finale.

Who knew plum could be so slimming?

Jay looks good, but he also looked good a week ago.  Moving on.  He goes over to hug Alison and squishes her microphone, which pleases me.  Instead of the weekly goal weight marked on his arm by a Sharpie, he got a tattoo.  That tattoo says, “What you’re for is what strengthens you” and then the date in roman numerals.  Yeah, he won’t regret that in about 6 months.  At least it wasn’t “FBI—Female Body Inspector”.  Alison is now done with Jay and introduces Irene as the person who had the highest weight loss in the competition and they bring her out.  Looking very cute, I might add.

Don’t flouncy dresses kind of hide hip issues?  Hmmm….the suspense builds

Okay, not really.  Alison talks to Irene about being quiet and reserved on the show and asks her what she wants to say right now.  Oh, boy.  She strings together a few sentences and the audience goes crazy.  We cut to a commercial break and when we come back, Alison announces Irene is America’s vote to go to the finale.  I’m not surprised by that at all.  Jay is certainly a nice enough guy, but the thought of three female finalists is too irresistible for an audience that is largely made up of women.  I guess.  I’m not Bluzgirl Nielson.  So, Alison shoos them both off to change into their weigh in clothes and while they’re doing that, Alison brings out the trainers!

Cara–you know you’re not supposed to look like the bride!

Bob fires up the crowd and we get to see him jumping off a building screaming like a little girl.  Not that I making fun of that.  The only way I’d go off that building is if someone beat me unconscious first.  That doesn’t happen a lot.  Someone help me out here on Bob’s new haircut.  Who does it remind you of?

I just can’t place it…

Oh yeah…pre-Jen and Angelina and 800 kids but definitely post-mousse

Alison next asks Brett what it was like coming to Biggest Loser.  He says he was a fat teen-ager and it was all about paying it forward.  He’s changed lives, folks.  At the gym, in his community, at church, at schools, at supermarkets, casinos, strip joints, horse tracks and small commuter airports.  Or something like that.  Jillian gets her time and the audience goes absolutely nuts like Jillian’s going to give them all cars or something.  They give her a nice standing ovation and it is amazing how beautiful Jillian really is.

When she’s not dripping blood and someone’s entrails from her mouth.

The first three at home contestants come out to go for the $100,000 at home price and first out are Ana, who is Irene’s Mom.

Yep, totally forgot her too

Love you, Court-Court!

Marci—the ranch mother.

Marci looks the best of the three, but she wasn’t all that huge at the start of the season.  Alison talks to Courtney first and of course, she’s inspirational as always without being cheesy—a rarity on this show.  Marci gets some interview time too but Alison pretty much blows off Ana, which LOL…like mother, like daughter?  I’m pretty sure it was georgiababe who first mentioned “bat wings” in the comments section, which absolutely killed me and boy, oh, boy—there is so much flapping flesh on this stage already.  Especially on the scale.

If I owned a 3D TV, those arms would be in my face.

She started at 255lbs and her current weight is 146lbs.  Holy cow.  I love how they all act surprised.  Are they bound by secrecy not to step on a scale at home?  She lost 42.75% and she was on the ranch for only one week.  My girl Courtney is up next.

I just want to take her home with me and force her to cheer me up on Monday mornings.  It would be an odd relationship, but there you have it.

She lost a total of 34.06% and although she’s clearly not the winner, the audience gives her a standing ovation.  If there were a fan favorite vote, she would surely win.  Marci is up next and Alison makes the awkward joke about Marci owning both a gym and a Dairy Queen, which is really pretty funny when you think about it.  Marci lost 86lbs but needed to lose more than 101lbs, so Ana is still in the lead.

Hey, easy on the gun show, Mrs. Misty.

Next round of at home players:  The twin guys come out and remember them??  Everybody kind of hated them because a) they threw the weigh in and b) they have butt crack hair.  They both look fantastic, but are still sporting that nasty hair.  Where is Tim Gunn when we need him?  Then Q and Larialmy come out and I really blanked out on who they were at first.  I remember she never speaks and then they show flashbacks of Q getting in Cara’s face and I recall that I liked him for that.  Alison starts with Don, who says he wanted to get healthy for his son, because they had a fractured relationship and it is much better now.  Check out Don’s son.

Yeah, a total picture of pride

That guy looks really pissed.  Maybe he thought he was going to the Idol finale instead.  The other twin talks about changing his community, etc.  Alison completely blows off Q and Lirialmy.  After the break, Alison is in the crowd talking to some of the former contestants, including Danny, Patrick, Ali and some dude Gary who was the first person EVER on the BL scale.  Then hilariously, Alison makes the comment that everyone should want to be a part of the BL family.   What is she encouraging there?

Hey, everybody!  Get really fat then go on a live show!

Dan is up on the scale first.  He needed to lose 122lbs to beat front runner Ana and he does it by 2lbs.  He is now in the lead.  Don gets up there and he needs to lose 133lbs to beat his brother and he comes up short by 3lbs.  Ooooh….drama….Looks like Dan is doing the whole slow sarcastic clap thing.

Your son will be thrilled you lost because of that binge pizza party from over the weekend

I’m keeping this angry face on…that pizza eating bastard

Next up is Q and he needed to lose 188lbs to beat Dan and he doesn’t even need to step on the scale for us to realize there is no way that happened.  Unless his t-shirt weighs 95lbs.  Which would be a bitch to clean.  He loses 93lbs, so good for him.  Larialmy needed to lose 130lbs, but she lost 84lbs.  One again, she is not allowed to speak.  Is her jaw wired shut or something?

A recent graduate of the Irene School of Articulation.

Bring on the next four!  In this group we have dad Moses and his daughter, Kaylee and Ken and Austin.  Four of my own personal faves—especially Moses and Austin.  They all look pretty good.

That’s cool, Austin.  You didn’t really need to dress up for this.  It is only network TV.

Still, he’s a cutie, so he gets plaid-slack from me.  Alison talks to Moses first about how he was injured but still able to lose weight.  He gives all the credit to Cara, who looks pleased.  And?

Either preggers or she just downed a six pack of beer before the show.

That’s an interesting tummy she has there.  Alison now addresses Ken and they talk about him being a pastor and how he’s been able to overcome his past.  Once again, this mysterious past comes up?  What is the story there?  Did he used to be a woman named Martha or something?  Does he have one testicle?  Was he engaged to Renee Zellweger?   Had a love child by Arnold?  Alison completely ignores Kaylee and Austin and let’s get to it.  But before we go there, Alison teases us by saying next year’s female trainer will be a world class athlete.  And no, it is not me, in case you were wondering.  Unless walking my dog is now considered “world class” or “athlete”.   Moving on!  Sorry, folks…I’m dragging this out like a…like a…Biggest Loser season!

Moses on the scale:  needed to lose 190lbs and he lost 153lbs.  Kaylee needed to lose 100lbs and she lost 54lbs.  Meanwhile, Dan is smiling kind of creepily at her.   Alison is doing a hard hitting interview with Dan, who is still in the lead.

“How does it feel?”

“Surreal”

“Which one are you again?”

Ken needed to lose 162lbs.  He comes close at 158lbs.

Although he could have shaved 4lbs of hair off of his arms and back…

Austin is up next and he needed to lose 171lb and he lost 174lbs.  We have a new leader!  See ya, butthead Dan!  Alison is thrilled to have some charisma next to her on the stage.  She is not a good one woman show.

I am soooo glad you’re here.  Did you catch that last dude?  “Surreal”…puh-lease….

Next four out are Arthur (who now looks like a regular starting contestant on week 1 and his father Jesse, daughter Sarah and her Mom, Deni.  I have to be honest and tell you I completely blanked out on who these two women were.  The flashbacks helped, but both they sure didn’t get much air time, did they?  Alison interviews Deni by saying she barely recognized her.  Amen, sister.  She asks Arthur:  “How did you make that change?”  And he replies it was a no-brainer—he did it for his family.  I’m pretty certain Jesse shared a bunch of beer with Cara because he is acting completely loaded.  “Look at my boy!  Look at my boy!  Look at…me!”

Hammered and hilarious

Sarah is up on the scale first and she needed to lose 114lbs—she lost 106lbs.  Deni needed to lose more than 112lbs and she blows it away at losing 125lbs, so she now replaces loveable Austin as the co-host.

Oh, great…I’m on my own again.

Deni gives a ton of credit to Cara who looks confused.

I have no idea who that woman is.

We are reminded that Arthur was the largest contestant EVER and we get to watch him and his moobs dancing again on the scale.  He needed to have lost more than 247lbs.  He lost 163lbs.  Yep, he could totally start over as a brand new contestant.  Great job, of course, but he has a long way to go.  Gee—if only Biggest Loser lasted 10 months!  (cue me slitting my own throat).  Jesse gets up there and he needed to lose 143lbs.  He lost 83lbs.  He’s still cackling like crazy and kind of refusing to leave the scale like it is the “Jesse Variety Hour” and since I like him, I was cracking up.

Next group:  Jay and the Tin Man.

Oh, no wait—that’s Jen, the daughter he never mentioned after she left.

And Justin.  Wow—now, that is a big difference.

I didn’t recognize him and in a good way.

I gave Justin a hard time throughout the season, but there really were no real “tools” on this show, so he got to be my honorary one.  Thanks, Justin!  He seems like a nice enough guy.  Missing is rule breaker, Rulon.  Man, he must have really ticked off BL not to even be invited to the finale.  Alison starts with Jen:  “Did you hear that crowd reaction to you?”  Personally, I thought it was more of a reaction to Justin, but whatever.  Jen tells us she is the new Jen, full of energy and life and happiness and joy and…

And eyeshadow and peroxide…

Justin gets questioned about his leadership status (still a leader—thanks!).  Then Alison introduces us to that one sad sack couple from home who came to the ranch for one day to try and get on the show.  Remember that?  It was pretty sad.  I felt so sorry for them.

Son:  “But I’m still hooking up with Kaylee so who’s the loser now, suckers???”

Justin is first.  He needed to lose 178lbs and he fell 5lbs short, but good for him.  Jen is up next and she needed to lose 135lbs to beat Deni.  She lost 114lbs.  So the last opportunity to unseat Deni in the winning position for the at home prize is Jay.  Alison drags it out as long as she can and then Jay gets on the scale.  He needed to lose 195lbs and he lost 181lbs.  So, Deni wins the home prize.  Alison keeps screaming, “A 59 year old woman!  A 59 year old woman!”  Geez, Alison, get a grip.  Is there nothing sacred on this show?   A woman’s weight?  Or her age?  Why don’t you just ask her about her sex life or religion or who she voted for in the last election?

Let’s get to the final three.  Hannah is the first one out and she can’t tear through the paper to make her grand entrance, but once she does…holy cow…

Doesn’t she kind of look like a hotter, younger Helen Hunt?

She talks to Alison about how some random (non-producer placed this time) guy tried to flirt with her at the gym and she dropped the weight on her foot.  HA!  Oh, the Hannah Hijinks Show!   Time to bring out her sister, Olivia, who gets through the paper thing better and does a rock star pose.

Anybody else think Irene doesn’t have a shot at this AT ALL?

I mean, AT ALL

Alison talks to Olivia about Ben, her husband who lost so much weight at home and asks how he did it.  Olivia said it was following Bob’s blogs and eating Bob’s tweets.  Well, she was gone for a long time.  Who are we to judge?  Olivia talks about playing the hot sexpot parts in opera now.

Because if it is anything that opera is known for, it is the hot sexpots

Before we get to the weigh in, Alison announces the new trainer and it is none other than Anna Kournikova!

Stage name:  String bean

That girl is seriously skinny.  And can I just say I’m so happy not to have to type her last name.  Ever again.  We get more flashbacks.  Hannah being funny, which she really kind of was/is.  Irene being frowny and Olivia being a non-sexpot opera singer.  Let’s do this!  Alison tells Irene she gets to pick the order, since she was the highest percentage loser in the house or whatever.  She picks Hannah first, then her and then Olivia.  Five bucks says that is a producer picked order.

Hannah:

Starting weight:  248lbs

Current weight:  128lbs

Lost:  120lbs.

Irene:

Starting weight:  255lbs

Current weight:  139lbs

Lost:  116lbs.

At this point, Alison tells Irene the crowd is going crazy for her.  Anybody else think they were rooting for Hannah?

Olivia:

Starting weight:  261lbs

Current weight:  132lbs

Lost:  129lbs

And here she is…

Figaro!  Figaro!!

And then it is just over.  They must have run out of time.  Maybe they let Irene or Larialmy talk too much…

As always, thanks for joining me!  It has been a great ride.