Biggest Loser: Getting high in NZ

And…we’re back in New Zealand (NZ).  Moses was my other favorite, besides Courtney of course and now that he’s gone, who am I going to root for?  Hannah has grown on me a little.  I still like Rulon and it is not his fault that everyone yells, “Olympic Champion!” whenever he walks into the gym.  He’s also trying to win the game, but I don’t feel he’s being mean or sneaky about it.  Austin seems like a nice enough kid…Oh hell, it doesn’t matter.  As soon as I proclaim a “favorite”, that person is gone.  Which would explain why no one ever wants to gamble with me.  I am a true cooler of all things that could benefit.  Alison greets the teams on a gorgeous bluff (is there any other kind?) apparently ready for her marriage ceremony to some mysterious NZ Dark Lord.

Seriously—what’s wrong with some shorts and tennies???

Alison must not have packed any appropriate gorgeous bluff wear.  Or jeans.  She welcomes everyone to beautiful Queenstown and talks about Sir Edmund Hilary and how NZ is all about personal achievement and doing it on your own and typical stuff and then she announces:   No more teams!  She says they’re all in this by themselves now and proceeds to hand out new t-shirts, in their original colors.

Whoever has the t-shirt contract for BL—well done!  Total cash cow.  (Ahem)

Everyone reminisces about their first BL t-shirts.  Naturally, they were much larger in the beginning of the season and that makes me wonder—what do they do with their old ones?  Some of them (talking to you, Rulon) would make a boatload of colorful but sweat-stained rags.  Alison takes a moment to ask Kaylee how she’s doing now that Moses is gone and she responds she is doing okay, but this is the perfect week to go back to gray.  It will remind her of her Dad.  Who just left.  About 24 hours ago, right?  Alison tells them they’ll need all the help they can get on their “individual” journey and here comes a parachute.  Someone yells out, “Is it Marci and Courtney?”  HAHA…Nope, just Brett.

Kind of like the opposite of Marci and Courtney

Brett is all pumped up for his second chance and Alison asks him if he’s not going to suck as a trainer this time around.  Okay, I paraphrased that.  He blah, blah, blahs…She wishes everyone luck on their excellent adventures!  And they all look absolutely thrilled.

Can’t we just go to the hotel and watch free satellite?

Cara is taking Kaylee and Hannah with her.  They are doing the Shadow of the Canyon swing which is 358 feet high.  Cara’s already freaking out.   Hannah and Kaylee are completely calm.  Cara has to be wondering why she’s doing this without a solid contract from NBC.  As she’s getting ready to go, we’re mistreated to more flashbacks of her boxing and the challenges she faced working on this video resume.  She gets very calm and zen-like and then they hurl her off and she screams bloody murder.  Hannah and Kaylee are laughing their asses off.

Perfect example of laughing at and not with

Kaylee gets ready to do her jump and they have her doing it backwards while sitting in a cheap plastic chair.  This whole scene made my stomach hurt.  Which made me put down my pizza.  Yay, Biggest Loser works!  Hannah was pumped about her jump too.  Basically, both girls made Cara look like the biggest wimp and it was awesome.  Isn’t there anything to do in NZ that doesn’t involve suicidal tendencies?  Beer pong?  Speed Bingo?

Now everyone is working out.  Brett talks about how bad the weight loss was last week and that there was even weight gain.  Glad you had NBC in your hotel room, Brett, because YOU WEREN’T THERE.  He has decided his focus is on Kaylee this week.  She is not going to go down on his watch.

You in danger, girl

She’s running up steps, all Rocky-style and he’s yelling at her things like, “Focus on you!  Focus on weight loss!  Focus on Kaylee!”.  Then he stops and points out a pretty mountain.  LOL.  Brett tells Kaylee her problem is mental.  She tells him she might actually do better without her Dad here, because she feels like when and what he would eat would influence her.  Brett tells her she has to stand up to him.  So, remember that folks…when all your buddies want to split a bunch of pizza and wings , scream, “Let’s split a chef salad!”   Your “Freak” shirt will be coming in the mail…

Rulon and Olivia are working with Bob and this is really the first time we’ve heard anything but friendly tones from the contestants.  Apparently, Olivia is pissed because Rulon voted for her and not Moses last week.  I guess I didn’t notice that.  Of course, she tells us this and not him.  Rulon tells us nothing.  They should have angry “you voted for me after the last weigh in” sex and get over it.  It solves everything.  Because we have to, we now join Hannah who is hanging out with Cara.  Presumably, because she has to.  She is telling Cara she is absolutely scared to death to go home.  The more she talks about how petrified she is, the more her home situation is becoming clearer to me.

Hannah’s house

Cara tells her she’ll be fine and that’s pretty much it to that scene.  Hannah’s kind of getting the non-Biggest Loser edit this week…

The players all gather and they see Miss New Zealand in the distance on top of a bridge.  Oh wait, it is just Alison wearing a really bedazzled head band.

And I want world peace…And skinny contestants…and weigh-ins under strobe lights.

Irene tells us she does not want to jump off this bridge.  Don’t worry, little quiet one!  Alison yells from her perch they will have to river-board for ½ mile in the river below.  Olivia is freaking out about how cold the water will be.  The winner gets a helicopter ride to Milford Sound, one of the most beautiful places in the world and most importantly…immunity for the week.  Everyone blabs about wanting immunity and Olivia tells us she doesn’t care if that water is 50 degrees below freezing, she’s doing it.  Okay, that would be ice-boarding, but hey, that’s splitting greasy hairs.  And then out of nowhere, Alison has realized how poorly her fashion choices have made her look on TV and she jumps off the bridge!  Ah…just more bungee jumping.  What is up with this country?  Do they not have enough reality TV shows to keep their lives exciting or do they have too many TV reality shows and they feel the need to constantly jump off really high things?

Off to the race and it appears that river-boarding is a lot like doggy-paddling (legs only) while holding a board.  Riveting.  Olivia gets an early lead, catching all the right currents and everyone is complaining how cold the water is and how hard the challenge is.  There is not a single cooler in sight, so I must agree it is the worst float trip ever.  Hannah tells us she doesn’t want Rulon to win because she’s worried he could win the entire season.  Irene tells us pretty much the same thing.

Um…Rulon win?…um, bad

Olivia wins the race with Kaylee and Rulon not far behind.  Olivia gets to take Hannah on her helicopter trip, but Hannah’s worried about taking time out of her workout for the ride.  Olivia and Hannah have a lovely time and the scenery is really gorgeous, as promised.

Sis—have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?

Brett is hanging with Austin and Jay, blabbing about second chances and stuff and finally announces he’s taking them on their NZ adventure.  He takes them to this big cliff (is there really any other kind?) and they are going to climb it.  The next twenty minutes are so ridiculously metaphor-filled, it seems as if this gig doesn’t work out for Brett, he has a great future in bumper stickers.  They climb the cliff and all is good and they faced their fears and didn’t take any wooden nickels and moving on!  Bob is with Rulon and Irene at another freaking bridge.  This one is 141 feet high and Irene is freaking out about jumping.

Nice kind of knowing ya, Earlene..

Irene makes the jump, sans vomit and tells us “journey…journey..journey…”.  Rulon’s kind of in a different pickle.  It is the four year anniversary of the plane crashed he survived and he doesn’t really want to push the envelope with the whole taunting death kind of thing.

So, beer pong sound okay?

Bob points out that he was killing himself with the way he was living.  So, let’s go jump off a bridge!  Rulon immediately says, “Okay!”.  Wow, Rulon is easy.  So, he jumps and tells us he overcame his fear.  He also says he wants to enjoy it because he’ll never do it again.  HA!

Last chance work out and Brett is introducing us to Capoeira, which is a combination of dance moves and martial arts.  BL spends about 3 seconds on this, so we can tell they’re impressed.  Cara tells us Kaylee has always settled for less.  More food, but less everything else.  Okay, she didn’t say that but you know she thought it.  Kaylee gets weepy about Moses again.

Does the man not own a plain t-shirt?

He’s costing the Fuzzing Department of NBC a fortune this season.  Jillian’s yelling at Jay to whip it up and then she climbs on top of him.  And yes, it looked just as sexy as that sounded.  All the trainers are working with everyone.  Cara’s stuck outside working out as only the cool kids are actually allowed inside the gym.  Hannah is still doing the whining about going home.  She’s boxing with Cara and if she would just miss Cara’s glove by 4 inches…

Match.com gone wrong

He is such an easy target.  And we jump right in to the weigh in!  Wait.  Where was Jillian’s adventure?  Where is Jillian?  Did Ken not get to do anything scary?  Who cares???  Where is Jillian?  Alison explains Jillian had to leave due to family emergency.   Total bummer.

So I stole her badass pleather jacket

Okay, so two people will fall below the yellow line and one will get voted off.  Olivia has immunity, so she goes first.  Last week:  172lbs.  This week:  168lbs.  She lost 4 lbs and thanks Bob for everything.  Jay is next and he tells us he knows if he gains weight, he’s gone.  Last week:  270lbs.  This week:  265lbs, so he lost 5lbs.  He’s totally relieved and talks and talks and talks.  Alison looks pained…

How would you like a hooker shoe spike up your shrinking ass, chatty Cathy?

Brett keeps yammering about rocking climbing and second chances and more metaphors and good night, man!  Does that parachute go up too???  Next is Irene.  Last week:  161lbs and this week:  157lbs, so she lost 4lbs.  We’re excited to hear her take on this.

Us:  “Yeah, yeah.  Your weight loss journey…Yeah…hey, check out those mountains!  Oh, yeah…your journey…we’re listening!”

Rulon is next.  Last week:  311lbs.  This week:  301lbs, so 10lbs for him.  He thanks Bob also.  Alison tells Bob that obviously Olivia wasn’t the only one who benefited from his workouts.  Heck, maybe they did have angry sex.  That burns calories, right?  I know, I know…they’re both married.  I can add made-up spice to this show, can’t I?  Austin is up next.  Last week:  255lbs and this week 250lbs.  He’s happy about this.  He starts talking about how this living!  This place, this vacation, this lifestyle!  You can enjoy yourself and have the time of your life and still lose weight!  I don’t know what the heck he is talking about.  Every food/drink filled vacation I go on involves a ceremonial weigh in on a large scale at the end of the week.   Okay, I was kidding but I just made myself shiver.  Yikes.  So, to see where we’re at, Irene is now safe.  Alison lamely congratulates Irene.  Ken is up next and he’s already talking about how tired he is.  How worn out.  How exhausted.  It takes a lot of work to transform a human body into a pear.

Maybe some better fitting shorts or something?

I’m sure Ken doesn’t care that his outfit isn’t exactly figure-flattering, because he only lost 4lbs this week, down to 243lbs.  Austin is now safe and Hannah is up next.  She’s a nervous wreck and she starts crying about how people at home were telling her she could never make it even four weeks.  You know, she really should think about moving.  Her friends are bitches.  She loses only 3lbs and uh-oh…Cara, those heart to hearts really did the trick, huh?  Hannah keeps saying, “I don’t want to go home.  I don’t want to go home.”  She’s is an anti-Dorothy.  Last person up is Kaylee.  Last week:  168lbs and this week:  She kicked butt, losing 5lbs.  So below the yellow line are:

Sleepy and Weepy

The trainers say their good-byes and on to the vote.  Ken pleads his case.  He wants to stay.  He’s never been accepted in group like this before.  Boy, this dude really does have some issues, poor guy.  Maybe he should meet Hannah’s jerky friends.  It would probably make him feel better.  Hannah tells the group that she used to think she was nothing and she let herself believe that.

Totally buying it.

Where am I?

Kaylee tells us she is torn on what to do.  She’s been with Ken from the beginning, but she can relate to Hannah.  Naturally, Austin places his vote for Hannah as Olivia votes for Ken.  Kaylee decides to vote for Hannah, so maybe the girl clique without Kaylee was a little too much girl power.  Jay votes for Ken.  It is a tie and because Ken had the lowest percentage of weight loss, he is out.  Austin tells him how proud he is of him and tears and hugs all around.

They show Ken at home and he’s para-gliding with his other son and his daughter—both are adorable.  He has more confidence and has lost a total of 138lbs.  His wife is still apparently in the attic…

Is it makeover week yet???

Thanks for joining me!