Biggest Loser–Good Day Sunshine!

Hello!  I started watching BL a little late due to the fact that Stevie Wonder was on Larry King and I was mesmerized by the thought that he may be the one and only guest who might think Larry is doable without being bound by marital ties.  I tore myself away from that nasty thought and turned my attention to more important things—we’re down to 6 Biggest Loser contestants!

We open as we always do, at the voting table from last week, where Lisa was sent home to pay 100% of her attention to her tween daughter who has probably quit bathing.  Frado thanks everyone for keeping him there and that in any other season, he would have been voted out.  Which is really sad when you consider a lot of the other seasons were “couples” and his wife would have canned his ass.  They tell him “no problem” as long as he promises to grow some facial hair.  Gasmi Clair is absolutely correct—Frado needs to have facial hair.  Maybe it wasn’t shock and awe on his family’s faces last week but more like, so that’s what’s under there?

Beauty comes from within.  Keep your chins up.

And other sentences that end in prepositions…  Alison tells the group that once again, this week’s weigh in will feature two lines.  Duh, Duh, Duuuh! (symbols crash). There will be two people going home.  The person who falls below the red line (lowest percentage of weight) is automatically kicked out, but does get a delicious cold cut sandwich with all the free veggies he or she wants to go!  Two more people will fall below the yellow line and they will be up for elimination.  Because we’ve apparently lost consciousness from the stunning makeovers from last week, Brendan deems it necessary to remind us he is playing a game.  He, Patrick and Frado all gather in a random bedroom where Brendan joyfully tells the other two “you couldn’t have writed it better.”  Ah, our public school system is in serious danger.  He goes further to say these three are connected to everyone else in the house and their original 3 person alliance will prevail.  Patrick goes so far to tell us he’s willing to bet his house the winner is in that room.

Your 3^rd mortgaged house, big gambler?

We jump immediately into a challenge.  Our special guest this week is Nastia Liukin, who is a nine time National Champion gymnast.  With a name like that, she better be good at something because there is no way that girl would have not been made fun of in high school.  Luckily, she is not there to teach the players how to be gymnasts, although that would be funny.  Brendan tells us she is an inspiration.  Okay?  She tells the group that when training for the Olympics, it is all about determination and hard work.  Weird—I thought it was all popsicles and Ms. Pac-Man.  She’s very cute, so she should probably either start doing some flips or just keep quiet.  Alison tells the group the challenge is a Pop challenge and the winner will get $10,000.00.  They all tell us how they could use the money.  I would love for someone just once to say, “I have absolutely no need for the cash.  It would probably just sit around the house collecting dust.  What I could REALLY use are some delicious sub sandwiches.”

Winner, Winner, Classic Cold Cut on Wheat Dinner!

The challenge is to workout on five different pieces of equipment.  The first ones completing each task will move on until just one remains. Wheezy is so screwed.  She can’t do half the machines in the gym with NO time limit without a paper bag over her face.  Gasmi Considerthis:  AMEN to everything you said in your comments.  Feel better knowing she will always be a runner-up because that is how she lives her life.  And true to herself, she is out first on the very first challenge—a street strider.  The remaining five now have to do ½ mile run.  Not shockingly, Ada is rocking it out.  Brendan just wants to stay within 50 feet of Ada because he knows he can’t win the running portion.

That kind of attitude is what added more gravy to your mashed potatoes in the first place.

Yay, mediocrity!  Mark is the next contestant out of the challenge and it is on to the rowing machine.  Brendan definitely thinks this is a huge advantage for the guys.  Unfortunately, even though Ada is a kick ass ninja warrior, she is last in this portion of the challenge and Brendan, Frado and Patrick move on.  This is when it hits me how much Nasty gymnast girl looks like Angela from The Office:

Nastia with lots of medals

Nasty with Dwight

The three dudes now have to jump rope and they all mess it up.  There are ropes flying everywhere and it is a hilarious mess.  While Brendan tells us he is trying to channel his inner Mike Tyson (um, really?), I’m trying to keep track of who is going to have rope burns and where.  Once they get their stuff together, Brendan and Patrick are the top two.  Patrick tells us how competitive he is and reminds us he won car last week.  Um, no.  Ada won you a car.  My fondness for Patrick is wearing a little thin—but more on that later.  Last physical challenge is Jacob’s Ladder and Brendan beats Patrick to pull out the win for $10,000.00.  Brendan (sincerely?) tells Alison he’s going to give $1000.00 of it to Shanna and the Warriors in Pink.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he is not lying.  Brendan does not have kids, doesn’t seem to complain too terribly much about being poor, so I’m going to have to believe him on this one.  Then the whole group gets to eat sammiches with Nastia/Angela.  Wow—nothing but the best from NBC.

No one wants to tell her that only Olympic gold medalists get hot lunches at the ranch.

In the gym, it is the last week workout.  Doesn’t roll off the tongue as easy as “Last Chance workout”, but we have time for that.  Wheezy is drinking water and telling us she is a threat.  Of what?  To whom?  Sneezing on someone?  Bob’s wearing some crazy shirt I can’t figure out.

Eat no cartoon horses?

Bob really wants to focus on Brendan.  He tells the group it is like a drinking game and every time he yells, “Brendan!” people could take a drink.  I saw Wheezy drinking water so she IS a total threat!

Mark is talking to us about making it to the final four.  His eyes get all crazy and he tells us if Bob tells him to jump off the roof—he’ll do it!  Good God, man.   Bob may wear stupid ironic t-shirts, but he is probably going to limit his punishments to inside the gym.  Jillian, on the other hand…

Back away from the ledge, Mark

The group is now back in the house, advertising some kind of ground poultry food that rhymes with Henni-Ho and they are talking about what they would do with the money if they won.  Brendan wants to take his students to Fitness Ridge (Biggest Loser’s “vacation” getaway place) because inner city kids never get out.  Yeah, Brendan and that’s what high school kids want to do.  Go work out for a week with their teacher.  Send ‘em to Cancun and let them get loaded and laid.  That’s what they really want.  Mark wants to travel with his Dad, who has melanoma but is currently cancer free.  Patrick says he would have said “buy a new car”, but he can check that off the list.  Haha.  He’s been unemployed since January, so he has a lot of people to pay back.  Ada tells the group the money is secondary.  She just wants to be happy and maybe start a foundation to help kids boost their confidence.  She seems absolutely sincere in this, but we all know her real goal is have a little conversation with her parental units.  She’ll need some dough for that.

Mother,  I’m home!

Frado and Wheezy weren’t allowed to talk, but we know Frado would buy some fake beards and Wheezy would buy tissues and paper bags.  Moving on!  Doc Hollywood is back to meet with Frado and tells him he is now off every bit of diabetes medicine he was on when he first got there.  Frado’s diabetes has gone from out of control to completely controllable.  Aw, nice.

However, you have a nasty yeast infection

Bob and Jillian gather the group around a big fire pit outside to have a little fireside chat.  No marshmallows, no beer, no way.  Jill and Bob tell the group they are worried about them.  Living at the ranch is like fantasy land.  Without the trapezes and Vaseline, naturally.  Mark agrees with them and says he is a bartender, whose normal habit was to work late and eat a bunch of crap right before going to bed.  He is scared to come home.  Mark?  If you can get me a discount on beer and wings, I’ve got a cot in the garage with your name on it.

Come to Bluzgirl…

Ada starts in on how no matter how much she loses, it may not be enough and goes into once again, the tragic story of her little brother dying and her father telling her it should have been her.  Question:  Why does she even want to try to make amends with these monsters?  I realize family is family, but c’mon.  Not every family is worth it.

Ada’s family

Patrick pipes in with “How am I going to fit it in my schedule?”  Um, Patrick?  Can’t you DVR your soaps?  I mean, he’s unemployed, right?  Bob reminds the whole group they’ve pulled back the curtain and met the wizard (thatswhatshesaid) and they have all the info and strength to do it.

And it is time again for a challenge.  The winner of this challenge gets a 1lb advantage at the weigh in.  And…a home gym worth $25,000.00.  Holy cow—now, that’s nice.  But a total waste and ridiculously overpriced.  Alison was late to explain the challenge because she had to swing by the souvenir shop to pick up a new hat.

And you should see the cool “California” shot glass I bought!

The goal of this challenge is to carry your weight.  They have to first carry the additional pounds to get up to their starting weight and do the step challenge again.  Yep, Wheezy already looks scared to death.  Brendan is carrying 97lbs and tells us it is like carrying a 14 year old.  Do 14 year olds weigh that much for real?  I have no idea.  There are a lot of flashbacks of people vomiting and passing out and all around good times.  Ada has a huge lead and Wheezy doesn’t faint.  Ada takes off on the run and Brendan goes next and after telling us it is not about winning, he takes off like a bat out of hell after Ada.  There is a lot of running and sweating and in the end, Ada takes the prize!  Yay!  I’d be happier for her but I’m distracted by Patrick’s junk.

Easy, big boy…let’s keep it a family show

Last chance workout!  Jillian tells the group it will be brrruuuutal.  How do they decide who they’re going to single out and pick on?  Bob picks on Brendan and yells at him that he can’t quit.  That word doesn’t exist.  Um, Bob?  I use it all the time.  Geez, brush up on your vocabulary.  Brendan tells us he used to think trainers were useless and he could read and learn a lot on his own.

But look where that got him

Now, of course, he realizes the value of being yelled at by people.  HAHA.  If he could hear me from my living room, I could be his personal trainer.  “Hey, dumbass, STFU!”.  Jillian decides to pull Ada aside and try to break through one more time.  What is she trying to get at here besides heart wrenching camera time?  I mean, we all know Ada’s story.  We, like her, are nervous/excited to see her go home and deal with her monster parents.  Jillian wants Ada to believe that what she is doing is good enough for her and not to worry about being good enough for others.  Speaking of not good enough, Bob is talking to Wheezy and how she needs to find her inner drive.  He tells her, “You’ve come so far”.  (With Frado and Brendan, he conveniently leaves out).  She believes she has found her inner strength and can do it.  Can someone please explain how facial hair cream bleach was not part of the crappy makeovers from last week?

Can you loan some of that to Frado?  He needs it more.

Time for the weigh in!  Everyone is nervous.  Alison is even nervous.  So nervous she washed her shirt with a box of tissues.

I was in a rush!  There are two lines tonight!  Aaaaaagggghhhh…

Since Ada won the challenge and the 1lb advantage, she is first on the scale.  She is already the smallest person there at 185lbs.  Does that matter to our Ada?  Hell, no.  She loses 6lbs and with her added advantage, she is at 3.78% weight loss percentage which is just unreal.  On the flip side, Wheezy gets up there and loses 4lbs.  Everybody does that whole slow clap thing for her.

Can a person vomit 4lbs of weight?

But now Ada is safe from the red line, so that’s cool.  Mark gets up there and starts weeping about his Dad’s 60^th birthday and he just wants to make him happy.  Hey, Mark?  Quit being creepy with your girl cousin—that would probably make him ecstatic.  Mark loses 7lbs.  Patrick is up next and he needs to lose 11lbs to guarantee himself a spot in the final four and he nails it at 12lbs.  Try not to collapse from shock, but Wheezy is now once again below the yellow line.  Frado is up next and he tells Patrick he is so nervous he wants to throw up.  He says this is the first weigh in he’s been really nervous.  BS, Frado—you said that the last two weeks.  He puts up a 15lb weight loss and is now at the top of the leader board.  Way to rally!  All those diabetic medicines must have been really weighing him down.

The pills for a yeast infection are diet ones

So, now Mark and Wheezy are below the yellow line, with one person to weigh in.  Wheezy tells her luck has run out.  Huh?  I’m tired of making fun of her this week, so we’ll just move on to Brendan.  He needs to lose more than 5lbs to avoid the red line and 10lbs to avoid the yellow line and he doesn’t hit it.  He’s below the red line and he is out.  Frado immediately tells him he loves him and he is a changed man.  Bob and Ada both look way too happy and even though Brendan says all the right things, you can tell what he is really thinking.

How the hell is Wheezy still here?  Oh yeah, because of ME!

So, at the end of the day, I have to be controversial and say I will miss Brendan.  He definitely made things interesting and whether you agree with his methods or not, he was very up front about playing the game to win.  The things he set out to accomplish, he did.  Except of course, losing enough weight not to get ousted by a red line.  Bwahahahahaha…Overall, he’s probably not a terrible guy and I’m inclined to think Frado was a pretty good influence on him.  So, with that said, Patrick, Frado and Ada are in the final four and below the yellow line is Mark and Wheezy.  Now, what do you think these little game players are going to do?  Keep someone who has been working his tail off to stay on the ranch or keep the person who has been below the yellow line every week but one?  Mark is the only one surprised the guys didn’t have his back and he is eliminated.  Patrick tells him he’s too much of a threat and he isn’t sure he can beat him.

Okay, so here is where I have another problem with Patrick, who I’ve really liked up until the last couple of weeks.  Brendan was up front about what he was doing.  Patrick is playing just as hard, but is not as honest about it.  He’s the one who got rid of Jesse, remember?  And to be very blunt, if he were my husband, I’d be a little ticked off he decided to do a reality show instead of finding a job.  I realize it is a reality show to help his health long run, but it is STILL a reality show.  I’d kick his fat ass to the curb if he doesn’t have a job soon—BL winner or not.  $250,000 is not going to last forever.  Rant over.  Now say this out loud with me:  “Wheezy is in the final four.”

W

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F

Now with our eliminated contestants:  Mark goes home and heads straight back to the bar.  EXACTLY what I would do, only he doesn’t drown a pitcher of Bud Light and cry into a bowl of nuts like I would do.  And then he moves in with his girl cousin.  Alrighty then.   He also meets up with previous contestant Sunshine, who gives him inspiration and hopefully a little cop/feel to get his mind of banging his relatives.  Brendan is back in Boston.  Both are inspiring people around them and yadda, yadda, yadda…And they vow to return to the finale to win the “At Home” prize…Personally, I’m rooting for Mark, Jesse or Aaron to win that.  How about you?

Until next week…we’re getting close to the finale…