Biggest Loser–Have Gunn, will (not) travel

Makeover week!  The two best words in any Biggest Loser season except for “Final Show!”.  Last week apparent rule-breaker Rulon was sent home along with Kaylee whose yoyo weight finally got the best of her.  And we are down to five.  I’m going to say right now that Austin is my favorite.  The other four have irritated me at one time or another over the season, but Austin never really has.  And this week was no exception.  Let’s dive right in—short show, short recap, but lots to discuss!

It is bright and early on the ranch and our players come stumbling out to head to the gym when they hear a noise.  Hannah does a pretty hilarious horse imitation and in rides Tim Gunn on a horse drawn Cinderella carriage.  Olivia tells us her legs almost fell under her and she doesn’t know what is going on.  Has this woman never watched this show?  Tim announces to the happy group that it is indeed makeover week and he is their fairy godfather who will give them three gifts.  I’m going to stop here right now and say I was hugely proud of Jay for immediately knowing who Tim Gunn is and for being genuinely excited to see him, which means one of two things:

Don’t kid yourself.  Jay a playa!

Or he’s actually watched this show, Du-livia…

Tim tells the group the first gift is of course, the makeover itself but he is keeping the other two gifts a secret.   Irene, forever the Einstein of the group, yells out, “Is this happening now???”  No, Irene.  They’re going to wait until it is down to the winning player so they can save money on hair stuff and make-up and not have to dress up the entire group.  Then she gives her maniacal giggle (teeheeteeheeteehee), which drove me firmly into the “I heart Austin” fan club.

It is a sad thing when someone irritates you with their genuine laughter.  Well done, Irene.  I’m a horrible person now.

They all go into some cheesy set straight from The Bachelor/ette which Jay hilariously describes as an “elegantly appointed room”.  He’s either getting prompted by the producers with lines or this man has the Style Network and Bravo in his favorites at home.   Who knew?  In this room there are beautiful dresses and tuxes and funeral flowers.  He asks the group if they ever thought they’d be in a room like this?   Um, Tim—it looks like a funeral home with a bunch of headless mannequins dressed up for fancy wedding and twinkly lighting everywhere.  Who hasn’t been in a room like that?  Olivia gets teary eyed saying she’s never felt beautiful before this.  And she hasn’t even tried one on yet.  Tim waves his godfather wand and poof, they disappear.

Psst…Tim:  How ‘bout a hundred bucks for the wand to solve a little “Cara” problem?

The group heads to Ken Paves’ salon and he is all excited to be giving the contestants their makeovers.  It is his second time on the show.  No word on whether or not Jay is also a huge fan of Ken Paves, but at this point it really wouldn’t shock me.

Puh-lease–everybody knows Jay is the “It” boy right now…

We see a montage of coloring and cutting and shaving and bikini waxing (okay, not really.  Thankfully).   Austin manages to sneak in a quick gum product placement and before we know it, the first reveal!  We’re at some sort of castle place (how big is the ranch complex, anyway???) and Tim is waiting for the carriage in a tux.  The clippity-cloppity of the carriage arrives and here comes Hannah.  Let’s take a look:

From heavy and unhealthy to more than just a touch scary?

I’m sorry but I am not crazy about this makeover at all.  I think she looks better in her t-shirt and shorts, quite honestly.  This dress is not flattering at all.  And the hair?  Maybe Hannah’s determined to be single forever.  That’s just really kind of awful.  Tim tells Hannah her second gift is up the stairs.  While I’m hoping it is hat and a snuggie, it is not.  Her Dad is waiting there and he’s all cute and weepy and thankfully not offering her a rose.  He’s actually very sweet and says he’s going to have to get a bigger gun.  Yeah, he really looks like a badass.  Alison (dressed very nicely!) leads them into the castle and we’re on to the next player.  Olivia is next out of the carriage and I wholeheartedly approve this makeover.

Sadly, personalities cannot be revamped even by the powerful Ken Paves

Her surprise guest is her cutey husband, Ben.  He’s lost 99lbs on his own and they’re all sweet and hugging each other and touching each other.  Thank goodness prom chaperone Alison was there, because this could have gotten really awkward.

Ben!  Hands above the newly-formed waist, please!

Olivia and Ben enter the castle and hugs all around for everyone.  Austin is our next player to show up and I’m really kind of surprised he is not the last one or the finale in the big makeover show.  He was the one I wanted to see the most.  But I’m definitely not disappointed.

No more cheap ass bowling alley friends for this dude!

Tim asks him how he feels and he says he’s worn tuxes before but he’s never had command of the tux.  That is hilarious.  Tim gives him a knowing look, as a man who commands everything he wears.

Welcome to world of hotness, my little(r) friend…

Austin’s second gift is his Mom, who recently escaped the attic for her big TV debut!  She’s so excited to see Austin and she points out his whole life, he walked around with his head down and now—he’s standing tall and proud!  They head inside the castle.

We hear “teeheeteehee” from a distance and we know Irene is coming next.  Tim is ready to greet her.  Even the horses look bored.  She must have talked their ears off on the ride to the castle.  Here is her makeover:

Sassy new hair to go with her sassy exciting fascinating meh personality

Her Mom Ana is here to take her to the big dance and remember her?  She was also a contestant on the show about forescore and seven years ago.  Although she’s lost 75lbs since then, I really don’t believe she’s a frontrunner for the home prize, which is why she probably agreed to come to the castle prom.  Ana is just as exciting as Irene, so let’s move on.  So, Jay is the big finale?  Hmmm, that’s kind of weird.  Unless he went through some transgender process, I would say that’s fairly anti-climatic, wouldn’t you?

Shave and a haircut (and a million pounds)…two bitsssssssss!

Tim tells Jay when he looks at him, he sees royalty.  We’ve seen enough royalty in the last week, so I’m going to go with “handsome father of the bride” instead.  Jay does look really good and Musafa agrees with me.

Discovery Nature Series of “Find Leaner Meat”

Jay is greeted by his son Matt and he is quite the handsome lad.

Strip away the puffy eyes and raw emotion—he’s kind of a 10.

Tim and Alison greet all the players and their dates and tell them they get a private concert with One Republic.  So they go outside and One Republic performs exactly one song.  Whose next stop is the Illinois State Fair!

Challenge time!  The group sans evening wear gather on the beach and Alison is back in her bad outfits to greet them.   The winner of the challenge will win a new Mazda 5.  It would be hilarious if it was a used Mazda 5.  With about 56,000 miles on it and fast food trash in the back.  Alison is beside herself with excitement as she announces not only are they giving away one new car—they’re giving away 2 new cars!  So, the first two people who successfully complete the challenge get new cars.  Those are pretty good odds.  Here is what they have to do:  they dig through Mazda 5 shaped sandcastles and retrieve a key.  Then they race ¼ mile down the pier and try the key in both of the cars.   If it starts—it is theirs.  This is where a background in hotwiring would be so handy.  I’d love to see someone tear out a steering column and whip out their tools.  Everybody takes off and starts digging.  The digging part of it isn’t tough, but as Olivia already starts whining to us, that ¼ mile run to the cars (and back again if the key doesn’t fit) will be haaaard.  Oh, shut it.  It is for a new car, not first pick of the BL bad hat collection, so buck up, whine box!

Last year’s winner of the “First pick of the BL bad hat collection”.

This year’s winner of the “First pick of the BL bad hat collection”.

It was kind of fun to see everyone jam their keys into the ignition and force it to turn.  Whoever wins will probably have to get the whole thing replaced.  And the first winner?  Irene.  We are treated to the hyena laugh once more and I’m a bad person again because Irene says she’s giving the car to her Mom, who really needs it.  Olivia is still bitching and now Hannah is starting to whine.  I’m rooting for Jay and Austin at this point just to give the sisters something real to complain about, but alas—Olivia wins the second car.  Moving on.  Last chance workout!

Bob is complaining how makeover week really cut into their workout schedule.  Geez, Bob—it is a haircut, a carriage ride, some new duds and one song from One Republic.  Maybe he’s just jealous.

I like horses.  And carriages.  And castles.  And funeral flowers.  Sniff.

The only thing remotely notable during the last chance workout is Olivia saying if she hits that one more pound to be the second woman to lose 100lbs on the ranch, she will sing on the scale.  So we’ve got that to look forward too.

Prediction:  An Amy WHINEhouse song

Weigh in time!

Alison is getting ready to perform her own musical…

“I said hello, Doily!  Well, hello, Doily!  It’s so nice to have you back…”

Hannah is first on the scale.  Last week she was at 156lb and this week:  154lbs.  She lost two pounds and is convinced she is below the yellow line.  Jay is next and he went from 258lbs to 255, losing only 3lbs.  Jillian jumps in with her opinions on Jay.  She thinks he lost focus since he’s been back and vows to dedicate herself to him if for some reason he ends up staying.

“Love lift us up where we belong, where the eagles cry, on a mountain high…And above the yellow line…”  (she totally ad-libbed that last part, I’m sure).

Now I’ve lost complete focus.  Sorry!  Austin is next.  Last week he was at 243lbs and this week:  236lbs.  He lost 7lbs and is most assuredly safe.  Irene needs to lose more than 1lb to be safe.  She loses two, down to 152.  Once again, Alison doesn’t give her much time on the scale to celebrate.  Alison—wears Grandma’s furniture, but fully aware of Irene’s inability to entertain.  Olivia is up next.  Jay knows at this point he is below the yellow line with either Hannah or Olivia and would be the one going home.  Olivia really wants to hit that 100lb mark, even though that would force her sister below the line.  She was at 162lbs last week and this week she lost 4lbs, so she has hit her mark of 100lbs!  Suddenly, Alison hears a voice…

No, sweetie, the magic weight board is not talking to you again.  We think.

Tim Gunn appears on screen as the fairy godfather and grants the group their third and final gift.  He eliminates the yellow line and everyone is safe.  No elimination.  Sigh.  I used to like Tim Gunn.  Jillian believes that God has saved Jay for the third time.  I don’t know if I would equate “producer-intervention” with “God”, but whatever Jillian.  I don’t argue with people who could probably kill me with one punch.  Olivia fulfills her promise to sing on the scale and she belts out a very pretty Italian (?) opera song which my husband happily translated for me.

attraverso questo mare di cemento
Dopo un altro inverno che soffia neve su di me

Translation:  “I can’t wait to go home and eat meatballs-o and garlic-o bread-o!”

At least that’s what he told me she was singing…Until next week.  Thanks again for joining me!