Biggest Loser: Helter Skelter

Hello!  Welcome back to the show that makes you feel sad, then happy—thin, then fat.  Ah, paradoxes.  Apparently last week’s elimination of Grandma Tina did not have a negative residual effect on the ranch, as there was no lamenting or sobbing confessionals after she packed her bags.  They may have even gone through her room to see if she left anything behind.  I know we raid empty cubicles of fired employees all the time.  So instead of all the moping, we start with a temptation challenge!  The contestants all wander out on the patio, which is decorated with hundreds of decorated cupcakes and there is odd wedding-like music playing.  Adam immediately tells us he’s not a big cupcake fan, as he starts naming all of the different flavors.  “There were chocolate and carrot cake and German chocolate and a rare French silk cupcake and then there was a macadamia with roasted pine nut fluff….”  Yeah, okay, Adam—cupcakes just aren’t your thing, are they?

Leader of the Anti-Small Cake Coalition

Allison comes out to greet the contestants and tells them the big news.  This week two people will be going home.  Along with the normal yellow line, there will be [drumroll….] the RED LINE.

No, not this one, but Jill could take ‘em

And not this one either

Yep–that’s the one

However, if they’re having sex in this house, we can all be grateful the ranch is not set up a la Big Brother style, with cameras everywhere.  I don’t even want to see myself having sex.  The real red line in this case means that if a player falls below it, with the lowest percentage of weight loss, it is immediate buh-bye.  No challenge can save him or her.  That person does the walk of shame immediately after the weigh in.  And it’s time for the temptation challenge.  The winner of the challenge gets a little yellow coaster which counts for a 1lb advantage at the weigh in.  But the real twist here is that person doesn’t have to use it the first week.  They can save it and use it next week (for 2lb advantage) or 3^rd week (for 3lb advantage), etc.  It could actually lead someone into the final four.  Cool beans.  The temptation challenges are not mandatory for all players and in this one Rick, Adam, Jesse and Elizabeth (wheezy) decide to play.  Lisa tells us she doesn’t want to play the game because cupcakes are what got her there.

Oh, yeah, she came in on the cupcake train.

If you eat a cupcake and the little yellow coaster isn’t under there, you get a clue to where it is.  Less “clues” and more like “directions”.  Rick’s strategy is to eat the small ones first to get the clues.  Adam and Rick are neck and neck and Rick actually gets the last clue, which is “It is on the bottom shelf with pink icing and a raspberry on top.”  Seriously?  But shockingly, Adam grabs that very cupcake and wins the big prize.  The downside:  he had to consume 1350 calories to get it.  He cockily says he’ll just burn it off.  Boston Brendan immediately spouts off and tells the group Adam has a big ol’ target on his back now.  Elizabeth starts crying and Allison asks her why she’s crying.  “For eating the cupcake?”  LOL, Allison.  Why don’t you just say, “For tacking on a bunch of calories to your thighs you’ll never get off and the bonus of Bob and Jillian tearing you a new one for even doing this challenge?  Oh, I get it.”  Elizabeth tells the group it was really hard to eat that cupcake.

Because without milk, it is drier than shit.

Elizabeth goes on to explain she is scared to death to go home.  Well, I guess her family can return all the balloons and the banners.  Worst party ever.  Allison reassures the group there are some people who may regret eating the cupcakes, but they have to think about the real world.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wandered out back and seen my deck filled with chicken wings and beer.  The real world rocks.  And now it’s on to our special guest—celebrity chef Curtis Stone.  Stone is a hot Aussie chef who specializes in cooking healthy food.  Well, one out of two isn’t bad.  He explains to the group that not all cupcakes are bad.  In fact, he made several of the ones from the competition that are under 100 calories.  Allison can’t help herself.

Mfff…nomnomnom

BL—Director’s Cut

Curtis brings the group in to show them the healthy way to bake cupcakes and the group is thrilled!  I would be too if I was hanging around the kitchen and not sweating my ass off in the gym.  So, he goes through all the steps of making a healthier cupcake, using egg whites instead of eggs, honey instead of sugar, healthy stuff instead of good stuff.  So, the gang’s all happily munching on cupcakes and Lisa’s copping a feel with Curtis.  They’ve got to warn these celebrity guests there is a damned good chance they will get molested on the ranch.

Text me, Jill

The alliance of Frado, Patrick and Brendan are all up in someone’s bedroom talking about a strategy to take out Adam.  Ada is also in there and you go, girl—hang out with the big dudes.  To me, that’s the best strategy any smaller girl could have.  Frado believes the sooner Adam uses the 1lb advantage, the better.  But he also believes that Adam having that power will make them all work harder.  Brendan just wants him out.  As soon as Adam falls below the yellow, the alliance + Ada agree to get him out of the game.  Nice to know all the Extra gum and shitty cupcakes aren’t messing with their brain cells.

Meanwhile, Aaron is having a sit down with Adam.  Aaron is coaching Adam to hang on to that advantage, especially if he feels he can pull the weight this week.  Adam agrees.  They seem wary of the 3 guy alliance, but they really don’t make a move towards any kind of alliance.  Is it because Ada’s not there and they already came up with the kick ass name of Triple A?  We’ll never know.

And now it’s time to talk to Bob and Jillian about the temptation challenge.  In the past, these challenges send our beloved trainers over the edge, with Jillian yelting stuff like, “YOU ARE HERE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, NOT EAT F-ING CUPCAKES TO WIN A GAME”.  Then she sucker punches Allison and removes the house’s toilet paper as punishment.  Or something like that.  So, the group is not thrilled with having to tell her about it at all.

Let’s tell them it was a broccoli eating challenge!

Screw that—I didn’t eat any

Sophia very slowly explains the challenge to Bob and Jillian, who apparently rode the short bus to the ranch that day.  Instead of the normal reaction of rage and uncontrolled violence, Jill calmly says she hates the game not the player.

Jill—Literally loves ankle biters

The folks that did not partake in the challenge are disappointed in the muted reaction as I am, since I love a little Jill-rage.  And it’s back to the gym.  Since there are no more “Last Chance Workouts”, the new catchphrase in the gym is red line and yellow line.  Bob and Jill are shouting, “Are you below the red line?  One of you is!”  Jesse tells us earnestly, it just can’t be him.  Look at him.  (his words).  Burgandy tells us she doesn’t feel her body is changing.  Try:  “We must, we must, we must increase our bust.”  I guarantee it.  Patrick tells us the girls are always below the yellow line and it is stressing them out.  Just then, Lisa goes outside to vomit.  Well, at least they’re starting to actually leave the gym before blowing chunks.  That’s a bonus.  Jillian starts picking on Wheezy.  “IS IT YOU?  IS IT YOU?” pushing poor Wheezy into a full blown asthma attack that Jill just blows off, because she’s a bad ass.

Asthma, myocardial infarction, throat polyps…F**k ‘em!

Meanwhile, Frado is talking to us in the gym, explaining if you keep a low profile, Bob and Jillian tend to leave you alone.  Bob yells at him just then to get back on a machine and it was pretty LOL.  A rare thing for this show, for sure.  So, Frado goes back on a machine, screaming and groaning.  Head pirate Bob tells us Frado doesn’t even know what his limitations are and it is his job to help him find them.

I WILL make him walk my plank

Jillian has now left Wheezy to die and is taunting Mark, who is on a rowing machine.  “You’re wearing red—that’s not a good sign.  WILL IT BE YOU?”  Good grief, woman, you guys gave him the damn shirt.  Just then, the straps on the machine snap and Mark injures his back.  Nice, Jillian.  Haven’t you read the papers?  Bullies suck!  Now that she’s immobilized Mark, she moves on to quiet Aaron.  He’s working on 10 two minute sprints and is struggling.  Jillian tells us he needs the taste of success to prod him along.  Aaron is trying and Frado is yelling out, “London!”, who in case you forgot, is Aaron’s son.  Suddenly, like the wind beneath his wings, he’s able to finish the last sprint.  Everyone claps and Jillian even smiles.

I will break you and you’ll like it.

Now it is time for the Trainer Recapper Tip.  “If you are wondering if you consumed too much alcohol the night before, simply drink two gallons of water.  If you don’t have to pee for 6 hours after that, then you drank too much.”  You are welcome.

And it’s time for the mid-show weigh in.  Whew, I’m exhausted, aren’t you?  I can feel the pounds dropping off typing this.  Okay, Adam decides not to use his 1lb advantage this week.  Bob and Jillian get into a little argument about “playing the game” and using “strategy”, etc.  Jillian admits she would want to actually win the game.  Bob sets loftier goals and says the contestants need to change their lives and it is more than just a game.  Not to split hairs, Bob, but the longer they are here, the more they can change.  And Bob?  Jillian had her own show, so why don’t you zip it?

So what if people didn’t want me to move in their house??  I’m over it.  Sniff.

Let’s just summarize how everyone did.  If I had a word to describe the ridiculously dramatic music that plays while the contestants head to the scale, I would sure do my best to describe it.  It is like scary opera or something.   Anyway, here we go:

No camera man was injured during the taping of this broadcast

Mark (bad back):            8lbs

Elizabeth (wheezy):        6lbs

Patrick (misogynist):      10lbs

Okay, he’s only borderline misogynist…I really shouldn’t judge him after just a couple of weeks, but hey, first impressions are everything aren’t they?  So yeah, he hates women.

Lisa (Curtis attacker):     7lbs

And Lisa is not happy about it.  Bob snaps, “It’s never good enough for you.”  Dang, there is some crazy tension between those two.  Not sexual (thankyouthankyou), just tension.

Aaron (yeah, we know you have a son!):  12lbs.

Aaron tells us he really wanted to be on top, so he could save someone else and pay it forward.  Hey, Aaron?  I would really like you to do something I can make fun of.  Quit being so nice, you’re really sucking the fun out of this.

Rick (old dude):             8lbs

He preaches to the group they are all there for their lives, not for game play.  Jesse is still picking out cupcakes from his teeth, so he’s looking all guilty as hell.

Gameplay:  FAIL

Jesse (cupcake fail):  8lbs

Jillian and Bob ride his chubby butt about not being happy with losing 18lbs over 2 weeks and he cheers up a bit and reminds everyone he’s used to gaining 18lbs in two weeks.  LOL, CC boy, you’re starting to grow on me like a beer gut.

Burgandy goes to weigh in and Allison tells her she doesn’t look good.  WTF?  Gee, Allison—you also took FOREVER to get the baby weight off and look at where you work, for the love of Pete and…and….Oh, she just meant that Burgandy looks nervous.  She lost 1lb last week and needs 6lbs to stay above the yellow line and she only lost 5lbs.  She goes into a mini rant:  “What do I have to do??  Tell me!  What??”  Everybody claps slowly, while nervously glancing around for the emergency exit in case this girl goes totally haywire.

Ada (robot girl):  10lbs

Ada is not even remotely excited and tells us she’s now just worried about next week.  Now, that’s a total downer.  Jillian tells us she is so tired of Ada being down on herself and not patting herself on the back.  Which is just rude, since we all know she can’t reach there yet.

You can’t touch your back, but you can knock out Jill’s teeth

Jessica (drama queen):  7lbs

She’s just below the yellow line but she’s happy about the weight loss and thrilled she gets to watch Lisa imitate all of her favorite clowns while the others weigh in:

Brendan (The poor man’s Boston Rob):  11lbs

Frado (NYC):  20lbs and bam!  He’s on top of the leader board.

Adam (Mama’s boy):  10lbs.  So, he was right not to waste the 1lb advantage as he is well above the yellow line.

So, it’s down to injured Mark and Sophia to see who falls below the red line.  Spoiler alert:  It is Sophia.  Actually, that’s not really a spoiler, since this is the part of the recap where I would tell you this.  But why are we even arguing about this???

Ribbon was 4lbs alone…

So, Sophia is gone because she only lost 2lbs.  Sophia tells us if anyone had to go home, she was glad it was her because she’s ready.  HA!  It’s kind of like how I say, “I’m glad there’s no pizza left—I was full anyway!”.  But good for her…true spoiler alert:  she kind of kicked butt at home so, yay her!

Mark goes to Frado, who has the power to save someone and tells him the doctor has cleared him to do the challenge and Frado should pick someone else to save.  Awww.

And now it is time for the insanely awkward Subway spot!  Bob takes a group to an empty Subway for breakfast.  Ada does a hilarious job trying to “sell” the spot.  “Yeah, it was really, um…hearty.”  Wow—I can’t wait to go!  While Bob is talking to the group (and us) about the health benefits of eating a nutritious (don’t forget hearty!) breakfast, Rick inhales his.  Rick tells us you don’t put a sandwich in front of a fat guy and not expect him to eat it.

True story:  His wife has 4 fingers.  Total.

Back at the gym, Jillian is honing in on Ada who clearly wasn’t excited about her 10lb weight loss and Jill tells us she’s going to get to the bottom of it. By making her cry.  I thought this segment was horribly sad.  Ada is the contestant who lost a couple of brothers growing up and her parents blame her and call her an idiot and she should have been the one who died.  If you see a headline that reads:  “Angry Recapper Punches Random Asian Couple on City Street.  Hate Crime??”  Why yes, thank you, that would be a hate crime.  So, poor Ada just feels like a failure.  Although she will never be a professional spokesperson for Subway, this girl is just fine.  Her parents suck.  Jillian assures her despite the abuse she’s grown up with, there is something deep down in her that wants change and that’s why she is here.  Oh, and:

Disco is now wearing a t-shirt saying “Health Sucks”

Bob gathers everyone in the gym who is below the yellow line and invites them to his house for dinner.  Because it makes perfect sense for people who didn’t lose enough weight to survive another week to stop their workout routine and go to a dinner party.  But it is a total bonus for us because we get to see Bob’s pad.  The contestants arrive to Bob’s very modern, clean and nice house for a vegan meal he had catered.

Which sadly included a tour of the fridge and not his love nest…

During dinner, which Jesse is trying desperately to choke down and still act polite, hahaha, Lisa tells Bob she orders $5.00 pizzas probably three times a week for her and her kids.  She goes on to say they all split the $5.00 pizza, which personally I don’t believe.  Only because to me, they’re like a really big lunchable.  Bob tells her it is hard to compete with a $5.00 pizza and I really think he’s selling himself short here.  He’s a nice guy, successful, has a bitchin’ crib and a steady job because all of America is fat.  Oh, yeah—the healthy food has a tough time competing with the cheap pizzas.

I’m Lovin’ It!  (blech…)

Next scene is Burgandy at Doc Hollywood’s office.  He tells her she has tendonitis and she’s out of the challenge, but thanks for coming by and grab a little sucker on your way out!  She asks him, “What about the yellow line?”  He responds that he is a doctor who is worried about more air time her health, not the game.  So, yeah, she’s screwed—thanks Douche Hollywood!

See you next week!  Well, maybe not you, limpy…

At the challenge, Frado wisely decides to play it safe and save Jessica who was just a tiny bit below the yellow line.  Smart because it shows fairness without masterminding some evil alliance plot.  Or he thinks Jessica’s smokin’ hot.  Whatever.  The challenge itself is really, really stupid.  Jesse, Mark, Elizabeth and Lisa have to unroll 900lbs of carpet over a field.  Why can’t they do something productive, like clean my house?  Or clean up highway litter with the convicts?  Jesse and Mark are the first two to finish and Lisa pulls ahead of Elizabeth and beats her.  All the challenge contenders run out to help Wheezy finish, which is always really sweet, but seems like a waste of perfectly good Berber.  So, injured Burgandy and Wheezy are up for the vote.  Burgandy whines to everyone about how working so hard caused her to injure herself and that’s why she’s there.  Um, chicki-poo—it was the “losing less weight than others” that put you there.  I know some people don’t like the format, but I must say that I do.  I think it really does force people to work harder.  But what do I know?  Squat—that’s what.  Well, apparently, the group likes Elizabeth better because Burgandy gets the boot.  Or maybe she smelled like stale corn nuts or something.  Regardless, she is gone.  But before we move on to the “Where are they now?” segment, holy hosiery!

Life coach might be coming back!

Yep, there will be a challenge next week where one of the originally ousted contestants will have another opportunity.  I only remember life coach dred guy, so I’m rooting for him.  And also, because he wiped out twice walking/jogging one mile.

The last segment shows Sophie looking awesome, but I’m confused.  She was not only a cheerleading coach before the show, she was a spin instructor.  Who would take those spin classes from someone who is obese?  If I’m out of line here, so be it.  I wouldn’t go to a dentist with jacked up teeth or to a hairstylist with bad hair, so what’s the story there?  Oh—and here is our little Burgandy now:

Until next week!