Biggest Loser–Herd yourself to the ranch

Last week, we received an awesome gift:  Some people call it the “State of the Union Address”, but I refer to it as “The One Freakin’ Week out of 800 When Biggest Loser only Lasts an Hour”.  Nothing really happened last week, except Arthur scarfed down a chicken leg faster than Fred Flintstone could eat a dino-burger.  So, we’re back this week with our regular exciting TWO hour Biggest Loser.  I’m holed up waiting for the blizzard of “biblical” proportions (yes, some yahoo on local TV called it that), so what else do I have to do?  I’ve already eaten all my emergency storm food and I haven’t seen a single flake yet, so why not have a healthy dose of Jillian and Bob and Brett and Cara?  All right, that is just too many trainers.  And there are still too many people on this show and colored t-shirts to keep it all straight, but this is the show about excess.  And that excess doesn’t even include our lucky players.

Downright skinny compared to the actual show

We know this week the unknowns (Team Genius) will be heading back to the ranch and God willing—someone will go home.  Just then the announcer pipes up that two people will be going home.  Great!  That means we’ll be down to about 54 contestants.  Roughly the amount of people in front of me in line at the grocery store last night.  And I can tell you, they weren’t much healthier.  Maybe instead of eggs, milk and bread, they should have tried to survive on canned tomatoes and beef broth for the next couple of days.  Or as I like to call it, my menu for the foreseeable 48 hours.  (Who knew I was going to go through all that frozen pizza and beer so fast?) So let’s start this week over at the previously unknown but now totally known location of the previously unknown but now known trainers and their team, dubbed Team Genius for taking a 4 week immunity right out of the gate.  We are at Fitness Ridge in Malibu, CA which looks like a really nice place if all the Mexican all-inclusives were shut down and there was a sudden ban on all casinos and the entire city of Las Vegas.  Basically, you’ll never see me at one of these places.  I haven’t even seen a bar there.

If there were a furlough location for hell, it would be here

Brett the trainer in training starts off by telling us how important these last few days are.  His players are heading back to the ranch with the trainers not in training, but under big ol’ contract and he wants to make sure they get the most out of what he has to offer.

Some methods a little more “progressive” than others…

Now these are the people we know very little about.  We’ve seen mere glimpses of their training and their personalities and such and if you’re like me, you don’t care about them yet.  They need to earn their place with us to be cheered to victory.  That won’t happen until they’re on the real Biggest Loser.  Cara the other training apprentice is working with half the team and she doesn’t sound as desperate as Brett and points out she wants the team to focus on being a team.  Which is a fantastic idea if this were dodgeball or beer pong, but a certain member of the Red team doesn’t seem to be on board.  His name is Jaquin, but he goes by “Q” and not the cool “Q” from the Bond movies.  His wife and Red team partner’s name is Larialmy, which for some reason is a bitch to type, so Red team?  I dub the Q and L.  Anyway, Q isn’t digging the boxing moves Cara is putting them through for the workout and he just walks away.  He tells us he just wasn’t feeling the burn.  Cara starts yelling at him and before you know it Rulon, from the Yellow team (as well as the other teams working out with Cara) starts getting his finger in his face and yelling at him too.  Despite all of this, Q doesn’t mind his P’s and he just turns his back on Cara.  Ooooooh…all is not well off the ranch…

Once again, frozen coladas would solve all of these problems.

Back at the ranch and the people we know, Bob’s sporting his Bob Barker hairdo (good call, smartypants on the bad hair this season!) and telling us he is putting his group through his favorite circus.  I mean, circuits.  What kind of person has a “favorite” circuit?  Oh, that’s right—people who enjoy working out!  I guess I’m relieved Bob wasn’t talking about his favorite circus, because who really has a favorite one of those?  They’re all horrifying.

My favorite circuit.

Jillian is hanging out with bad hair Purple team and not because they make her look prettier.  Since everyone has to have a better story than, “I just really love frozen waffles”, Hannah is telling us who she used to be an up and coming athlete and then she fell down a flight of stairs, seriously hurting her back and requiring surgery.  As she’s talking, Olivia’s sporting this really suspicious guilty look on her face when the whole “fell down a flight of stairs” story comes up and I just wonder… What if there were a certain chubby hand on a certain person’s not yet chubby back, hmmmm???  It could happen.

Whatever Happened to Athletic Baby Hannah?

Naah…I’m sure it was an accident.  Hannah tells us she is so fearful she’ll hurt her back again, so Jillian immediately makes her do this:

This is so going on her Match.com profile

And before you know it, we’re at the scale!  Oh, powerful and all-knowing scale, how we missed you last week.  You’re the only thing that gets contestants voted off and makes this show more manageable to watch.  Marci takes a moment to tell us how she doesn’t like the weigh ins.  Really?  Most of America just LOVE having their weights broadcast on network TV.  Since I’m not on TV, I’ll tell you mine.  I’m 5’8” and weigh a healthy 98lbs.  (Oh, both feet need to be on the scale?)  Feel better, Marci???  If she weren’t awesome Courtney’s Mom, I’d make fun of her more, I really would.  So, the Green Team who were banished to the unknown training facility come waltzing back in to join their friends from the Ranch.  Alison asks them how they liked working out off the Ranch and Jay immediately starts kissing celebrity trainer (B and J) ass.  He’s not dummy—he knows which side his bread is greek yogurted.  They basically had to adjust to meals being cooked for them, served to them and being cleaned up after them.  So, they were at Cracker Barrel?  They are up on the scale first and they lose a total of 15lbs, 9 of which was Jay’s, so good job Green team.

Remove that extra brown from your nose and it would have been 10lbs.

The Blue team is up next (Arthur of the chicken leg and Jesse).  They need to lose more than 18lbs total to be safe and…they lose 12lbs total.  This time it was Jesse who dropped the ball, only losing 3 of those pounds.  Jesse tells us he is getting tired of the drama of one of them always being below the yellow line.  Jesse?  Lose more.  You’re welcome.  The Green Team is definitely safe.  Aqua (Marci and Courtney) are up next and lose 13lbs, 10 of which was Courtney’s.  Yay!  Marci tells us it is so good to see joy in Courtney, instead of pizzas and Ding Dongs.  Okay, she didn’t say that last part…Marci only lost 3lbs, but she’s one of the lightest people on the ranch.  She is totally riding Courtney’s crab legs bib to get to the end.

The Purple team is next and they need to lose 7lbs.  They lose 8lbs and Hannah starts bragging on about her backbend, for which the Russian judge would have nailed her, but good for her.  Now take the elevator in the future.  She’s trying to get Jillian emotional and apparently all she gets is Jill speaking in tongues.

Next candidate for “The Rite”

Next up is cheater Don and Irene.  All of sudden Jay is interviewing to us that Arthur just doesn’t work that hard and he wouldn’t be surprised if Arthur was below the yellow line again. Hey, pork chop—weren’t you gone this week?  Zip it—you don’t know what Arthur has done.  Sheesh.  Back to Don and Irene.  They each GAIN 6lbs.  HAHAHAHA.  How bad does Don want to go home?  Hand him his bus pass and let him go!  They both fess up to throwing the weigh in.  So, why did Irene gain so much?  Did she raid the doughnut dumpster from a couple of episodes ago?  No need for the elimination room—they kick Don’s still fat butt out right then and there.  Don tells us he really didn’t want Jesse or Arthur to go home because they are getting more out of the ranch than he is and he just flat out doesn’t like it there.  Don, reality TV is no place for honesty.

Your honesty is refreshing and completely unwelcome—GTFO!

Next we see Alison with Team Ranch and they are now going to greet Team Genius.  As dramatic military-like music plays, Team Genius starts strolling in and both sides are sizing (literally) each other up.  Marci tells us they are going from 9 people to 19.  There are NINETEEN people left?  Holy cow.  There better be a week where 8 of them go home or else…or else, something…and I mean it.  Justin (being edited already as a douche, with the companion douche goatee) and Rulon (former Olympic medal winner) are team Yellow.  Team Brown is curly haired youngster Austin and his Pop, Ken.  The Pink team is Mom Deni and Sarah.  Deni is short for Denise because two more letters is just TOO tough.  I’ll hold judgment on her though.  Annoying names and/or stupid spellings of regular names are the fault of birth parents.  But stupid ass nicknames?  She owns that.  The Red team is disliked Q and his silent wife L (Larialalalalalala).  And the Gray team is Moses and Kaylee.  We know that Moses has done pretty well, breaking a bunch of records and stuff, but Team Ranch looks downright scared of his weight loss, remarking how skinny he looks.

Think Moses looks small?  Noah’s a stick.

Alison welcomes all 400 people and tells them that immunity is now over.  We know better.  Immunity is never really over on this show.  How else could it last longer than a bowling league?  Alison explains there will be two separate competitions.  If Team Ranch loses more than 48lbs, they are granted immunity.  (See???)  Team Genius is definitely sending someone home based on our friendly little yellow line.  Team Genius will continue working with Brett and Cara and Team Ranch with B and J until the end of the week.  The non-celebrity, we don’t really know who they are nor do we care, trainers show up at the ranch and Cara acts likes she’s never seen it.  Really?  Not even a walk through or a quick tour?

Okay, my GPS says there are more overweight people straight ahead

We get to see Brett and Cara’s whole resume again and then it is time for them to train in the real gym.  Watching Rulon, Arthur tells us he is a mountain of a man who moves like a gazelle and just then, Rulon says he’s already broken two treadmills.  A destructive gazelle, that one.  The Brown team (young Austin and Dad, Ken) tells us they’ve been working with Brett on metabolic training.  That sounds all fancy and stuff but considering B & J’s teams has been gaining weight and eating fried chicken, you could do a few jumping jacks and be okay for a week or so.  Big editor’s cut to Moses who keeps saying he’s there for his family.  I’m totally going to try that. Honey, can you go away for 5 months?   For us?  So what if you’re not overweight?  It’s for US!  He is so into his family he repeatedly says their names while he’s working out.  Cara forces him to say his own name, because it needs to be about him.  Groundbreaking.  I hope he doesn’t have sexual issues too.  I’m sure Cara’s Psych 101 will be the ticket to fix all of his problems!

I’m a lyrical gangster

Brett is yelling at Team Genius that this week is about the yellow line.  They need to use it as a wake up call.  Pink team Deni and Sarah believe it is between them and the Red team (Q & L) who will fall below.  Wow, that’s some serious confidence.  I guess because they’re the smallest and they think Q is the laziest.  And it is time for Team Genius’ challenge!  The winning team will get immunity.  I swear they hand out immunity more often than cocktease hands out kleenex.  Yeah, I have no idea what that meant.  This is one of those crappy challenges where they gang up on each other to knock other teams out.  They have to stack weights on another teams platform thingy and once it hits 300lbs, they are out.  Boring and stupid because there is no chance for an underdog team to really compete to try to win.  Of course, the disliked Red team is targeted first.  Seriously?  How are they supposed to even try when 4 other teams are gunning for them?  Justin explains to us the Yellow team’s strategy is to put the lighter weights on first and save the bigger ones for last.  Okay, master strategist.  Pink girl (Sarah) is kind of a little bitch when she explains why they want to get rid of Q.  Sweet cheeks—worry about yourself, mkay?  Now that the Red team has been eliminated from the challenge, the Gray team is targeted then the Brown, etc.  Brown goes after Pink.  I wish this were more like Reservoir Dogs and had a lot more violence, but we’ll stick with weights on a platform.  The last two teams are Gray and Yellow which goes to prove Team Genius has lost a crap load of brain cells because the two biggest threats are left to win immunity.  Dummies.  Yellow team of Rulon and Justin win immunity.  Rulon admits he feels guilty for winning since someone has to go home.

Did you feel guilty about defeating the country of Belarus in the 2000 Olympics?  Did you???!!!!

Point is he’s a competitor by nature just trying to be nice.  Also—I kick butt on Wikipedia.   They hug it out and we’re done with them for the time being.  Team Ranch is working out with Bob and Jill.  They have to lose 49lbs to be safe and it is their last chance workout.  Arthur bitches that Bob is a ballbuster.

A ballbusting gazelle, that is.

Courtney is wearing some kind of bedazzled headband and she and Jennifer each tell us individually they will definitely hit that 49lb mark and be safe this week.  Rut-roh.  Meanwhile, Arthur is on the step machine and he explains that they are not really designed for a person his size.  Neither are airplane seats or seats in a movie theater.  Keep going, man!  And he does 10 minutes on one of those bad boys and I’m pretty impressed.  I hate those damn things.  They should have a little tiny escalator next to them to give us a choice.  Then this happens.

Secretly, Jill’s a lazy bitch

It is time for the super-sized, super-sized, super-exciting, super-overdue weigh in!  Luckily, the Music Man is there to usher us in…

She’s a what, she’s a what?

Team Ranch is up first.  In case you fell unconscious over the last hour or so, they need to lose 49lbs to get immunity.  Irene is up first.  She lost 8lbs.  Way to piss out salt water!  Green team of Jay and Jennifer is up next.  They collectively lose 14lbs.  So, we’re at 22lbs.  Purple team loses 11lbs and Aqua loses 15lbs.  This is when I notice Team Genius is not clapping.  WTH?  Why be a bunch of jerks when this weigh in doesn’t affect them at all?  Alison tells Courtney (of Aqua) she has never seen anyone step on the scale with as much confidence as she has.  Courtney gives an awesome answer about doing everything she can do and she is good with that and all kinds of motivational yet normal stuff and FINALLY, the other team starts clapping.  So, Team Ranch is at 48lbs.  They just need one more pound from Jesse and Arthur to gain immunity.  Oh, man I wish the crack head twins were still there to throw it this week and then watch as all their personal belongings are thrown in the pool.  The music gets all tense as Arthur and Jesse step on the stage and really?  It’s one pound.  I know things have been jacked up with people throwing he weigh in, but isn’t that like one really good bowel movement for one of these guys?  They lose 15lbs so the group total is 63 and Team Ranch is safe.  I have to point out here that in the beginning of the show, the little announcer dude said there would be two people going home.  Hey, announcer guy?  Quit with the spoilers!

And that guy Bruce Willis is really dead the whole movie!  Can you believe it?

And now it is time for Brett and Cara’s team.  Justin and Rulon (Yellow) are up first.  They have immunity, but they still lose a total of 33lbs.  And our nice team from the Ranch cheers for them.  Justin tries to squeeze out some tears, but we’re treated by this sight instead:

The Adventures of the Hardly Boys

Next up is the disliked Red team.  Q and L lose 24lbs total (13 of those were Q’s), so they did pretty damned good.  Listening, haters?  L is finally allowed to talk and she’s pretty sweet.  Pink team immediately assumes they’re done, which I won’t mind because my bitch-o-meter goes crazy whenever they’re on the screen, so I’m wary of them…Young Austin and Dad Ken (Brown) are up and they lose 30lbs total.  Moses and Kaylee get up there and lose 23lbs, pushing the Red team further and further down the list.  Anybody else notice how much more weight Team Genius has lost compared to Team Ranch??  Will a few weeks at the ranch, making their own food screw them up?

Yay!  PB & J is Protein, Bran and Jicama

So it is down to the Pink team and the Red team.  The Pink team needs to lose 16lbs, which seems like a helluva lot, until you see they actually lost 20lb.  Yikes, I guess dropping letters off your name does pay off.  Hmm…So either Q or L is heading home.  Q explains to the group that he and his wife have come to an agreement that he needs to stay more than she does.  Q is selling it hard, but he must have really pissed these people off.

Justin really appears open to Q’s arguments.  Don’t let that jerk-ass finger pointing fool you.

Everybody is all in Q’s face to promise his wife he’ll be committed to the program ala Jason Bourne.  Pink girl Sarah pipes up again bitchily and Rulon says everyone is tired of dragging his ass along.  Oh, for the love of Pete—the dude lost 13lbs.  That’s not that shabby.  Crack head twins would have been knifed at this point.  L appeals to the group to please not hurt her by keeping her and she really wants them to vote her off.  There is even MORE discussion.   Moses says he and Kaylee made the decision before they came to the ranch that if they ever had to vote someone out (they’ve seen this show, right?), they’d vote out the person who worked the least.  However, when they got here and apparently the rules were explained to them, they changed their tune once they got to know people.  Well said.  Or not at all.  They finally do as requested and vote L out.  Q tearfully makes it all about himself, promising the rest of the group he’ll do his best.  Poor L doesn’t get any airtime at all.  And so, she is gone…

How did they do at home?

Weight loss = taste.  Not always.

We never get to meet Harmarony, the other sister

And here is a new and improved Don–pretty much saying F.U., ranch

And that is all for this week!  Thanks for joining me.  Bluzgi