Biggest Loser: Home is Where the Cake is

Hi!  We’re down to a fairly manageable number of players left on Biggest Loser—fourteen!  Wait—at least ten more weeks?  There had better be some double elimination weeks.  Or else.  And I mean that.  Infinity.

After last week’s debacle of parental influence and throwing the weigh in so their precious spawn could continue to be enabled, we’re going to move on and embrace the positivity of this week’s show.  Am I right?  Not yet—we have to endure 10 minutes of previously-rage before we can move on.  Okay, let’s do it.

Alison is sitting with the black team at the elimination table and tells them the red team will now join them for her announcement.  Although they’ve become like a family (Really?  Still seem pretty team divided to me), there is nothing like the real thing, so they’re all going home for 2 weeks.  They’re all excited, of course, but some are apprehensive.  Austin is excited because he’s a few days away from his 21^st birthday, but he knows it is just not going to be the same.  He also doesn’t realize when his 30^th birthday hits, he’ll probably still be a part of Biggest Loser, season 11.  Alison continues the announcement by warning everyone about temptations and tells the group they will be competing in a 5k, similar to the first one they did.  Moses tells us quite frankly he is scared of the temptations.  On the other hand, Justin can’t wait to go home to his family.  Especially his wife.  “Turn down the cover, here I come.”

In other news, Justin’s wife is now working nights and has taken to sleeping outdoors during the day while covered in leaves as camouflage.

The scene bops all around the country as we see groups of family, friends and TV whores all gather to greet the contestants.  Everyone is happy to see them (hopefully).  They’re all shocked at how great they look (so far).  It is all very tearful and heartwarming (for them).  Time for a Pic montage!
Arthur is with his daughter.  He doesn’t want his daughter to be embarrassed of him.  I’d say, she’s too worried being embarrassed of mama’s sparkly t-shirts.  She tells him she’s proud of him in a nice, “aw, shucks” moment.

Daddy, now that you’re  here.  Please take away her bedazzler.

Marci and Courtney show up to a crowd and hello!  Marci’s dude is kind of a hottie…

Hi, baby, you know I’d never throw a challenge…

Courtney is back to work at the family’s ice cream/fried food restaurant.  Wow—why don’t you just send her to work nights at a bar while you’re at it?  The temptation there must be huge for someone who is resigned to pulling packaged salads out of the goodies fridge to eat for lunch.

Grilled chicken or Rocky Road on top?  WWBD?

Girl, please…unless there is butter pecan…

Yay, Jesse’s back!  He’s having a heart to heart with Arthur and he reveals that when he and Arthur’s Mom split after 17 years, things spiraled out of control.  He was a drug addict and Arthur came with him to live when he was 15.  Jesse feels to blame (partially) for how Arthur got to where he is.  Sorry, Jesse, but we aren’t buying it.  The young pictures of Arthur reveal a very, very big boy already.  And please, don’t give Arthur someone else to blame?  I’m still ticked at you for last week.  Arthur, God love him, refutes all this and he takes full responsibility for his weight/health problems.  His intention is to learn from Jesse’s mistakes and not succumb to them.  Wow—that came from Arthur?  He’s been growing as he’s been shrinking.

It is an optical illusion—the outside is getting smaller and the inside is getting bigger.

It is Austin’s 21^st birthday party!  And he’s at a bowling alley.  Young people still like to bowl?  Hmmm.  His so-called friends are bombarding him with cheese fries and birthday cheesecake.  What kind of friends are these, for goodness sake?   Thankfully, there is not a single body shot to be seen.  You can tell Austin is really struggling not to eat this crap and you have to wonder right now if the producers put these kids up to this.

Bowling team name:  “Co-dependent Non-Friend Enablers”.  Record:  0-1

Yep, Austin decides not to partake in the food fest and he tells us how hard it was to turn down.  It is so odd a bowling alley wouldn’t have a complete offering of healthy options for their patrons.

Stunning, really

Hey, let’s check in with Olivia and her hubby, Ben.  Ben is all excited he lost 57lbs.  She’s more excited that she has lost 59lbs because she’s kind of a bitch and beat him by two pounds.  Girl, be happy for your man.  Plus, he had to work and live normally while you’re locked away at a ranch with nothing but treadmills and rice cakes, so GTF over yourself…geez.  Hey, Ben, you look great.

Face of a totally supportive and loving wife.

Jen apparently lives in some kind of tree.

Queen of the Jungle?

Rulon and Justin come home to the full support of their family and friends.  And we’re reminded Rulon’s wife is pretty hot.

But I’m sure she’s just with Rulon to get closer to Justin.

Who wouldn’t?

Rulon decides to a runway walk for the group to show off the new bod, but I can’t tear my eyes away from some of his friends and family.

Parents, quit doing this to kids.  You’re only creating future contestants.

Moses has a heart to heart with his wife and family and reveals he had a tumor on his kidney.  His wife, Anita told him she just can’t do this without him (raise the family).  He makes a promise to her now he won’t leave her.  And he will take care of himself.

Don’t be sad, Moses.  It is US who won’t leave you.  Heart you.

Now we see a shot of Jennifer running in New Jersey, preparing for the 5k.  Sadly, she bumps into Snooki and they start drinking like Shriners.  Well, it would be more interesting.

Not that watching someone else run isn’t fascinating…

I mean, it can be

Now Arthur is running and he is guaranteeing he will not be the last in the 5k.  Irene has a fantastic plan:  Just run.

Hey, Forrest–that is why you get almost zero air time

Marci and Courtney are working out on treadmills and Court’s working hard to push Marci.  Kaylee and Moses are training a bunch of people.  Kaylee is worried she’s focusing too much time on them and not herself.  Anita, Kaylee’s Mom is so impressed with Kaylee being a leader because she is so shy normally.

But she’s secretly proud that Kaylee has a bunch of skinny dude friends

And because he hasn’t been on the screen for the last 30 seconds, we’re back with Arthur who is having his own BL moment.  He can now fit in a car.

Congratulations, you’ve mastered Drive Thru 101

Hannah is hanging with her parents (she is really single) and they go to a gym to play volleyball.  Hannah’s claim to fame, in case you forgot or passed out, is that she was a good volleyball player once.  A couple of random trainers from some anonymous gym come in to play with her, while Dad plops down to watch and encourage.

Moobs—not just for the ranch anymore

Hannah plays a lot like I do, without the beer in one hand.  She misses a lot and flails around.  She’s getting really bummed out and she’s crying.  My hubby says, ”Just hit the f**king ball”.  LOL—he loves this show.  So she does some overhand serves and finally, success!  Wow, that was so exciting it makes me want to watch Jen run again.  Hannah tells us her parents are everything to her, including her intact virginity.  Well, she didn’t exactly say that…

And now everyone is saying good-bye and heading back to the ranch.  One notable is Austin’s Mom and Ken’s wife, who we have seen absolutely none of on this trip home.  A rare Mrs. Home Perm sighting?

I broke out of the attic with a hairpin

And with that, we’re back at the ranch!  It is 5k challenge time and it wouldn’t be a BL challenge without Alison dressing like a clown.

NBC:  Home of Candlelit dressing rooms

Here is how the challenge works.  The group of 14 will have 7 people working with Bob and Jill and the other 7 will go with Brett and Cara.  When a player finishes their 5k, they get to pick which set of trainers they want.  So, if everybody wanted to keep everything the same, there would really be no issue and no change, right?  Well, Jennifer is looking for a little revenge.  She wants her trainers of Bob and Jillian back.  Why she would want to go with a team made up of smaller women who will probably not win many challenges is beyond me.  So, if she sticks with this “strategy”, she’ll be a former Red team member going to the Black team and that will force a Red Team member into the not-so-friendly confines of the Red Team.  Basically, whoever comes in last is screwed, if Jen sticks with this.  While everyone is pounding away, Sarah is moving slowly on hers.  She doesn’t want to make the decision.  Is she afraid Cara’s going to really beat her ass in the ring?  Or make Jillian Bob cry?  Or be forced to wear Alison’s wardrobe?  Not really sure what’s going on with this girl.  Justin is the first to finish the 5k and shockingly, is really really proud of himself.

One thing not consumed at home:  Humble Pie

Rulon is right behind him.  Kaylee is the next to finish and uh-oh, our vengeance seeker Jen is done next.  She reiterates she wants to be back with Bob and Jillian again.  So, screw you, unknowns and the entire Black team.  Truthfully, she probably wouldn’t have lasted much longer on the Black team, so I can kind of see her point.  Austin is in 5^th place and FINALLY—someone from the Red team finishes and it is Marci.  Olivia is next and with Kaylee’s help, Moses finishes in 9^th, which he is really happy about.  Irene’s brilliant strategy of “just running” pays off as she places in 10^th.  Ken decides to be dickishly encouraging to Courtney, telling her if she doesn’t finish and ends up on his team, he’ll vote her off.  Um, okay?  Sarah and Arthur are the last two, with Sarah dramatically trying to decide if she wants to be the one to decide someone else’s fate by not being last.  Wow—that is really not interesting at all.  Justin is pushing her to finish and stand up and fight and stuff.

And threatens her with continued Justin-breath

Arthur is picking up steam, but it is not enough.  Sarah finishes before him and Arthur knows he is officially last.  He finishes his 5k finally (while some jerk yells out, “In under an hour”!).  HA—is that supposed to make him feel better?  Honestly, for a guy that size to even do a 5k is pretty darned impressive, so I will retract the claws.  And the challenge is officially over!  Alison tells the group , they will pick their new trainers at the weigh in.  And suddenly, we’re there!  There was absolutely no trainer/gym time this week at the ranch.  How bizarre!  But, I guess if they want it all based on how they did at home, it makes sense.  Time to pick the trainers!

I pick this one

Justin and Rulon are first and they stick with Brett and Cara.  Kaylee also picks Brett and Cara.

Catching flies?

Jennifer the Avenger comes in and picks Bob and Jillian.  Rut-roh.  Bob tells us if Arthur is last and he is forced to go with Brett and Cara, he will be going home.

Not your every day dumbass

Hannah and Olivia pick Bob and Jillian, only after Olivia tries to trick them into thinking she switched.  Haha, bad hair girl, but don’t you know this is LIFE AND DEATH (or is it Life or Death?).  Sarah comes out and naturally, she wants to stay with her original team which is the Black team and Bob and Jillian.  So, for those of you keeping score at home:  Arthur:  f***ked  and Everyone Else:  Fine.  Arthur comes in the room, sobbing already and mumbling, “I just ran out of gas.  I really tried.”  Courtney is crying, everyone is crying.  He keeps saying, “I didn’t have a choice”.  They’re all sobbing like he just died and then he hilariously goes to hug the new trainers.

Yay, team…

Okay, enough nonsense—let’s get to the weigh in!  Jen is up first and she loses 14lbs which sadly brings up stupid one-derland again.  Now, girl, I know you were upset about what Arthur did to you a few weeks ago, but when you look around and everyone’s sobbing because of what you just did to him, you might want to reign in the stupid ass “one-derland” jokes.  Irene is up next and she lost 10lbs.  Now, keep in mind these are 2 weeks’ worth of weight loss—granted it was at home weight loss, so it is still pretty impressive.  Hannah tells the group and us that she feels like she did really well at home.

“Really well”—such a relative term.

She does do pretty good, dropping 11lbs.  Olivia loses 12lbs.  Her ridiculous hairstyles just make no sense to me at all, especially after seeing her cute hubby.  She knows they actually air this on a real TV network, right?  Or is she just trying to super-stack the odds she’ll have the best make-over EVAH!   Courtney gets up there after a light snack.

Can you wait until after the weigh in, please?

Courtney loses 10lbs and then Marci gets up there and kills it with 14lbs.  She’s now down to 167lbs, so good for her!  She immediately starts sobbing and begging the Black Team not to send home Arthur.  Gee, Marci, why didn’t you just throw the weigh in and eat one of your own if it meant that much to you?  Okay, that didn’t really make sense.  I call it:  “Last week’s Episode Residue”.  Sarah gets up there and loses 10lbs and she’s happy about that.  Bob, not one to celebrate, says, “Life is a struggle”.

I bet he popped a bunch of balloons and ate a bunch of confetti as a kid

The Red team is up next and they have to lose more than 120lbs or the average of 17lbs per person.  Rulon loses 17lbs and he starts bawling about treating his body like a temple and he needs to quit being a cannibal.  Huh?  Is that why there are no group shots of his Olympic Wrestling team?  Austin gets up there and he’s lost 10lbs total (for two weeks, mind you), which is not a very good number for him.  Brett hasn’t had enough screen time so he speaks up about Austin growing or some crap.

Maybe next year, when you’re a real trainer, you can have some air time

Ken, Austin’s Dad loses a whopping 5lbs (Yikes!) over the two week period.  Moses also loses 5lbs.  Wow—I really thought these guys would do better.  Kaylee loses just 1lb (!) and Justin loses 8lbs.  I guess Justin spent too much time under the covers and not at the gym.  *Shiver*  Arthur is the last one up and the only way to save himself is to lose 18lbs, guaranteeing his own immunity.  He loses only 16lbs and everybody loses it.  He’s trying to be all, “if you have to vote me to go…” and then Jillian gets in his face about fighting the good fight and the Bob starts yelling about how he’s been there since season 1 and it should not be a game.  And it is about his life.  Way to go, Jen.  You just killed Arthur.  HAHA!  Justin has to speak up and say Arthur has to start examining himself.  Hopefully, Arthur will wait until he’s off camera to do that.  Hannah has a glimmer of hope that the Red team will base their vote on merit, not alliances.  Hannah?  Have you even met the Red team?  Rulon is safe with the highest percentage of weight loss.  And it is time to vote.

Subtle, BL

In the elimination room, Justin says they’re all lucky because they all want to be here and they all need to be here.  I’m not sure how needing to be on the BL ranch is a lucky thing, but whatever—it is Justin.  Then he calls Arthur a hero and that he’s never seen him back down from any challenge (especially the temptation ones—zing!).  He goes on to say Arthur has to step it up and then he votes his ass out.  HAHA.  Rulon also votes for Arthur.  At this point, Alison tells everyone, “That’s two for Arthur”.  Gee, thanks, Alison, I tend to lose track after ONE.  Arthur votes for Ken because of issues he has at home.

How does he know about my attic wife?

Ken looks seriously confused by that comment and so am I.  What issues does Ken have at home he needs to race home to resolve?  Everyone else votes for Arthur and he is gone.  Everyone’s crying again and Alison asks Arthur, “What’s it going to be like at home?”  If Arthur were smart, he’d avoid home because I have a feeling Jesse will kick his plentiful ass.

In the after story segment, it looks like Arthur has done pretty well at home.  Considering he apparently doesn’t have a job and has all day to work out.  What’s the story there?  Now that he can fit behind the wheel of a car and have a little backseat room, he could be a pizza delivery guy or something.  Veggie pizzas, naturally…

Thanks for joining me!