Biggest Loser–I’m a Loser

And after 8158 short weeks, we’re at the live Biggest Loser finale!  Reality show finales are often like trying to have sex after a full night of drinking—usually a waste of time and more often than not, completely anti-climatic.  The Biggest Loser finale is like a two hour long Weight Watchers meeting but with lots of clapping, confetti, a slightly bigger audience and a crazily awkward host.  This one is no exception, so let’s jump right in.

Perky Alison greets us over a screaming crowd and attempts to remind us the winner will take home $250,000 and the at home winner will receive $100,000.  At least that’s what I think she said.  She’s so funny doing live shows because she never waits for the crowd to die down before she speaks, so God only knows what she was really saying.

I am assoludely wasted riiit now…

This will be a night of flashbacks, so let’s start with our known finalist.  Patrick was fat.  Frado doesn’t want to be a burden to his family.  Wheezy wants to make the best of her riding on coattails second chance and Ada’s parents have some serious issues.  Caught up?  Alison tells the crowd it is time to bring out the scale and they all start screaming like they’re on fire.  Wow.  Granted it is a big scale, but people—it is a scale.

Can you imagine if they wheeled out a vacuum or an iron?

Get out much?

I’m just going to throw it out there the concession stands at this event would probably suck.  Nothing good to eat at all.  So, Wheezy and Ada are the first out.  We have to find out who America voted for to be in the finals.  Ada punches through her fat picture first to come out on the stage and unsurprisingly looks like she has done well at home.  Alison wants to talk to Ada about the struggles she had with her family and Ada tells her they are now so supportive.

Where am I?

Wheezy comes out next and she does look very pretty, but she’s wearing one of those mushroom dresses that are very good at hiding things, like weight not lost and families of four.  Wheezy tells Alison she just wanted to finish and made the journey my own.  Which sounds a lot like what losers (not Biggest) always say.

Failure will be mine…all mine!

Alison announces the results of the vote and says America overwhelmingly voted for Ada to compete in the finals.  LOL, Alison.  Way to make Wheezy feel really good about herself.  She’ll probably be filling that freezer with burritos now.  Meanwhile, Wheezy’s family is clapping like crazy because like Ada’s Mom, they have no idea what is going on.  Ada is in the finals and Wheezy will come back and weigh in for the at home prize.

Alison then introduces the trainers who are wearing reverse tuxedos.

Happy Feet trainers

And the first three at home contestants come out to weigh in with Wheezy.  They are Adam (inspired by his obese dead Mom), Allie and Tina.  Alison looks at Adam, who looks fantastic and tries to get the crowd all revved up about how wonderful he looks.  “Ladies, let’s give it up to him!”.  HAHA, Alison.  Am I the only one who is about 99% sure Adam isn’t trying to impress the ladies?  Before the results of the first four, Alison announces next season’s changes.  They are bringing in two new trainers to work with Bob/Jillian.  We know now that Jillian is leaving after next season, but we’re not sure about Bob.  They show a little clip of the new trainers but do not reveal who exactly they are and I’m not sure why the unnecessary suspense.  Unless it is Hugh Jackman or Bob Barker, we don’t really care who they are, do we?  Let’s get back to it.

But first we look at the four people who didn’t make it to the ranch, Shanna, Montana, Sandy and Corey.  They all did great.  Yay!

Still no make-over?

FINALLY–Wheezy is up first and her video flashback is all the passing out and her one good weigh in and the crowd claps wildly for mediocrity.  She started at 244lbs and is now at 173lbs for a total of 71lbs or a 29.10% weight loss.  I make fun of her all the time, but over eight months that is pretty good.  Adam is up next and he doesn’t even step on the scale before he starts sobbing again.  He started at 402lbs and lost 182lbs putting him at 220lbs now, absolutely blowing Wheezy out of the water.

He did so great the heavens were revealed through his crotch

Allie is the next one up and if you don’t remember her, she is the one whose dumbass parents had her get major gastric surgery when she was young.  She started at 322lbs and lost 74lbs, not beating Adam.  And I’m sorry, but her face looks wrecked.

Bad make-up or more unnecessary surgery???

Tina is up next and she needs to lose 119lbs to beat Adam.  She lost 72lbs.  But I’ll bet she’s not wiping out on treadmills anymore.  So, after the first four contestants, Adam is in a solid lead.  Next out is Brendan, Sophia (who quite obviously will not win this thing) and Lisa.  I have never seen so many people wearing black.  They went for 4 months wearing nothing but sports bras and muffin tops and now they’re all trying to be as slim-like as possible.  Lisa’s lovely daughter is in the audience to cheer her on.

And to terrorize the flower beds outside

Alison asks Lisa if she is now a role model.  She answers yes, she is now and sadly leaves the part out where she beats her drama queen daughter when necessary.  Alison then asks Brendan about his strategy and I don’t remember exactly what his answer was, but he seemed to turn out to be a pretty nice guy.  Nice enough to tear his Dad away from the All-You-Can-Eat Crab Leg night at the Golden Corral.

Sir, you’ll have to put the crustacean down–there’s no food allowed in here.

Brendan gets on the scale and he has lost a total of 117lbs—not enough to beat Adam, but definitely respectable.  Sophia is up next and I don’t remember a whole lot about her which is shocking because apparently, she was the only lizard/human on campus.

Flies are so low cal

Lisa, with a pretty new haircut, is up next and she lost 97lbs total, which keeps Adam in the lead.  The next three contestants come out and it is Anna, who still looks pretty large, Jesse with a nerdy bow tie but looking awesome and Brugandy who has the most jacked up hairstyle ever.  Alison asks Jesse if he is still mad at Patrick for betraying him.  Jesse says everyone makes mistakes.  Well, I guess that answers that.  Burgandy tells Alison she’s gotten into a routine of waking up at 5:00AM and that she has girlfriends in the audience and this is what we see.

LOL, Camera Guy #2

But you have to check out this hair, for real.

Did she just roll out of bed?

Right before they start their weigh in, Alison asks Adam if he’s going to win this and he immediately starts hitting on Jesse.  “That cute looking guy in orange will probably take it”.

Run, Jesse…when you’re thin and cute, you get all the attention.  So I’ve heard.

Anna is up first and her flashbacks are mainly of her crying, being dragged and yelling “Oh my God, Oh my God.”  You know, your typical “Rocky” story.  She lost 109lbs and poses for the audience.

Okay, keep stepping not-Balboa

Jesse is up next and he has to lose more than 166lbs to take over the lead from Adam.  And he lost 166lbs exactly.  Dang, that smarts.  Alison keeps telling him, “ONE POUND, YOU NEEDED JUST ONE MORE POUND.”  Since Jesse is a nice person, he doesn’t start “pounding” on Alison.  I mean, really—nice of her to keep rubbing it in.  I think Adam has a little crush on Jesse so I’m sure he’d be willing to eat some of Brendan’s Dad’s crab legs or at least lick the melted butter of his chin to help his little orange friend out, but he is not given that chance.  In the meantime, everyone’s forgotten about Burgandy, so here she is—bad hair and all.

Would have been 68lbs, but Aussie is heavy

With Adam still in the lead, the next three out are Rick, Jessica and Aaron.  Rick and Aaron both look really, really good and Alison obviously agrees with me as she spends absolutely zero time talking to Jessica.  Rick needs to lose 158lbs to knock Adam out and he does it by losing 185lbs.  Wow—he is now in the lead.

Thinner does not always mean hotter

Jessica needs to lose 132lbs to beat Rick and she loses 92lbs.  Alison is relieved she didn’t waste any time talking to her!  Here is Jessica:

But what about my journey????

Aaron was the largest man on campus.  To beat Rick, he needs to have lost more than 220lbs and he lost 172lbs.  Aaron talks about his son and he looks really good.

Aaron looks good, I mean.  His kid’s too young to be obese.

The last person who is in contention for the at home prize is Mark.  Mark comes out and I’m sorry—dude is way hot.  Rick looks like he pretty much knows he’s lost the prize.  Mark should really just keep his mouth shut and look awesome because as soon as he opens his mouth, he starts talking about his live-in cousin, who immediately goes nuts in the crowd.

Reason Mark is not hot

A quiet Mark is a do-able Mark

Mark has also found help with the Biggest Loser alumni, including Sunshine from last season (?) and he has moved to the desert.  Not sure what that has to do with his success, but okay.  Mark needs to lose 198lbs to beat Rick and he nails it at 213lbs.  He now weighs 208lbs.  Nice job!  So Mark is the big winner of the at home prize of $100,000.00 and he can now buy his cousin a hairstyle from this decade.

And now we’re down to our actual finalists.  Frado comes out first, then Patrick and Ada. Since Frado was the biggest weight loser on campus, he gets to pick the order the three weigh in.  He decides to go first.  Before he weighs in he talks again about doing this for his family and how his daughters now call him a “little man”.  Patrick (now pretty hot) tells Alison he now has a job and how that is paying it forward.  I call it “paying your bills” but whatever…But before we get to see how he did, we get more clips from next season’s new trainers who are now revealed as a former golden glove champion and a martial arts trainer and I still don’t care.  Frado is on the scale and he started at 367lbs and is now at 205lbs, losing a total of 162lbs.

Looking a little confused, like Ada’s mama

Ada is up next and she needs to lose 113lbs to beat Frado.  She lost a total of 99lbs.  Good job, Ada.  You made us love you and hate a perfect stranger you call “Dad”.

She also glows from her nether regions…

Alison introduces our last contestant, Patrick, as formerly overweight and unemployed.  Which is exactly how I introduced my prom date to my parents.  Patrick needs to lose 176lbs to beat Frado.  He lost 181lbs total and is the big winner.  Or the Biggest Loser.  Or whatever.

You lost, so you won, so…great

Congratulations Patrick—buy your wife some shirts with sleeves!

And that’s it.  Biggest Loser Couples starts in a few weeks with two new trainers and a new format.  Join me one more time, won’t you?