Biggest Loser–King Arthur of Atealot

So it is the Valentine’s episode of Biggest Loser.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Yeah, me neither.

We rejoin our group in the elimination room right after Q’s wife L is sent packing.  Alison brings in Team Ranch and makes an announcement.  She is getting a new stylist and will start wearing normal clothes.  The crowd goes crazy.  Okay, really she tells them that although L has left the building, Q will not be working alone.  The teams are now divided into Red (Team Genius) versus Black (Team Ranch).  So…really no change at all.   Olivia and Hannah are excited to be Black, because of Johnny Cash.  Because nothing says health and fitness like the late Johnny Cash.  Justin tells us the other team is Black so they’re going to make them Black and Blue.  I’m sure it took him all day to come up with that one.

The first challenge as “newly” formed teams is a temptation challenge.  Each person enters this horrifying Willy Wonka meets The Bachelor kind of room and they have three minutes to eat the most chocolate.  Whoever wins the challenge (by eating the most chocolate), gets to trade two players from their own team for two players from the other team.  Ali tells them they will change players, change trainers, change shirts and change blood types and that is a really complicated and expensive procedure NBC really doesn’t want to pay for, so please please please keep the teams the same.  Everyone is shocked and vows to keep everything the same.  Then that little trickster Alison tells them if they do decide to try and win the challenge, the person who makes the decision will be kept secret.

You know what the real secret is?  Why I wear every tacky hat ever made.

To add more shock and awe, Rulon tells us he is a big fan of chocolate.

No way!

They enter a room/courtyard/area that can only be described as “Valentine vomit”.  There are chocolates everywhere and a tacky fountain adorns the room for absolutely no reason.

How can Biggest Loser make The Bachelor less tacky?  Supersize it!

Moses pipes up and says he wants everything to stay the same and Courtney tells us if someone eats, there will be lots of drama.  Courtney—I love you but it is Biggest Loser.  Drama is the go to low fat recipe for this show.  And we’re on to the challenge!  Sarah from the Red (Genius) team is up first and she’s conflicted about eating the chocolate.  She breathes on it (yuck) and decides not to eat any.  Jennifer from Team Black is up next and she decides to lay her grimy fingers all over them but doesn’t eat any.  The camera crew and staff have to be watching this and thinking, “Hey—who do you think has to eat all that crap you just touched??”  Hannah tells a sad story about her father…Well, it actually about her being home by herself on Valentine’s Day and her Dad calling and telling her, “You’re my Valentine!”.  I’m sure he thinks this is sweet, but I think it is more on the lines of, Hannah, get caller ID.  So, she really hates Valentine’s Day.

Amen, single sister

Q is up next and he eats 4 pieces.  Rulon eats some too.  I take a bite of a Reese’s.  What?  I like to be involved in the show I’m watching.  Marci goes in and eats 10 pieces—one for each of her teammates and two for herself.  Awww…such a giver!  Moses comes in a goes a little bit nuts and downs 21 pieces.  All in the name of team and family naturally.  That’s why I eat chocolate.  And Taco Bell.  Then Arthur comes in…he tells us (again) he doesn’t want anyone else deciding his fate and starts downing chocolate.  If there were a chocolate river, he’d be stuck ass first in a giant tube right now.  He explains he’s learned a lot from watching food eating competitions so he can do this.  LOL.

It is nice to have inspiration.

He eats a total of 35 pieces of chocolate.  Alison is back with the group and she has talked privately with the winner and there will be a switch.  Right now, I envision everyone keeping their trap shut so that secret winner won’t be revealed and also so the smell of chocolate breath doesn’t permeate the room.  Hannah is pissed that someone actually ate.  The switch is announced:  Jennifer and Jay from Team Black (ranch) will move over to Team Red and Sarah and Deni from the Red Team will move over to the Black Team.  From all indications, that switch would make it look like Team Red won because Jennifer and Jay are strong players and will help the Red Team win challenges.  As the pairs switch sides, there are tears and t-shirt changes.  Then Arthur foolishly reveals to the group that he is one who won the challenge and made the switch.  He most likely thinks he is being very strategic right now.  He tells a very pissed off Black Team he didn’t trust Jay and Jennifer (and that matters how?) and he was worried either Marci or his Dad, Jesse would be the next to go.  Instead, he brought over Sarah and Deni to be the first sacrificial lambs.  Arthur:  worst game player ever.  He could have kept it secret, since Alison actually said several people ate.  Does he want people to think he is smart or is he just really that dense?  Jay tells us that karma is a bitch (how original!) and Arthur keeps saying he had to protect himself.  Hey Arthur, you know how to stay in this game?  Lose weight and quit eating 35 pieces of chocolate.  You’re welcome.  Austin tries to go all hardass in his interview with us, promising revenge on Arthur if Sarah or Deni go home this week.

Which would be much more intimidating if he didn’t have pom-pon hair.

And now we’re back in the gym.  Where it is eerily quiet.  Bob and Jillian come in and introduce themselves to their new players, Sarah and Deni.  Cara and Brett hook up with their team and Cara says, “Is anyone missing?”  Wow—such an impact Sarah and Deni had.  Back with Jillian, who says, “I guess the Red Team won.”  Arthur fesses up that there was no love lost between him and the former Green team of Jay and Jennifer and where did all this animosity come from, exactly?  What actual drama happened between these people that he felt the need to banish them?  I’m over Arthur, for real.  Deni tells Jillian that Arthur said they would be the ones to go home this week.  Arthur is starting to feel bad about his decision because everyone now hates him and he has a big X on his back.  He thought he was saving everybody.  Jillian tries to make him feel better.

It is okay, big guy.  Every reality show needs a dumbass.  Well done!

The Red Team is now in the gym.  Brett and Cara are working out hard, while their team just watches.  Interesting method.  Jillian tells her group they (the other trainers) are terrifed of her and there is no messing with her.  I would love a Cara beatdown.  Nothing against her—she’s my sacrificial lamb.  And the Red team is being so loud and obnoxious that Olivia can’t hear Jillian.  Olivia—you’re on a treadmill.  What do you think she’s saying?  “Keep moving. Run forward not backwards.  No running by the pool”.  You know, stuff like that.  Meanwhile Arthur of the 35 Chocolates and chicken leg tells us the Red Team is nowhere near the physical condition the Black Team is.   Wow—take that Red Team.  Be afraid of the physical prowess of the Black Team.

Scary good

Brett and Cara actually make a little fun of Bob and Jillian’s team spending so much time on the treadmills.  I’d watch it, you two.  You have no long term contract yet.  Lots of time watching both teams work out and we’re all glad to know that although a bunch of them touched and breathed on a bunch chocolates earlier, there are definitely more health precautions taken in the gym.

Practicing safe push ups

But we all know, doing NO push ups is the only sure way…And it is challenge time!  The winning team will get videos from home.  Deni tells us she has a daughter who got married while she was here.  Deni–that is not a good sob story.  Statistically, you’ll probably go to her next wedding.  The challenge is actually pretty cool.  There are six different legs representing endurance, strength, balance, knowledge, speedy and agility.  (not necessarily in that order).  Before Alison explains what each section will entail,  the teams have to put two of their people on each leg.  But the titles of each leg are all deceiving.  For example, if they picked speed—it is really about stacking bricks, which is more of a strength test.  Agility is more of agility of the mind and they have to score food by calorie count.  Alison, you tricky bitch.   Endurance is actually pushing a big fake looking boulder up a hill, while blindfolded and taking direction from your teammate.

Real boulders would have been awesome.  Dangerously awesome.

They’re in the middle of some road and I would have loved to hear the traffic person trying to explain the hold up.  “Well, Route 40 is backed up because a big blindfolded girl is pushing a fake boulder.  So, nothing real unusual here.  Back to you, Nina!”  Then there is a balance beam, a heart target that needs to be hit with a bow and arrow and then a puzzle.  Damn!  Okay, that’s a lot of action going on.  Let me just break it down for you.  Justin and Ken (Austin’s Dad) totally blew it for their team because they screwed up the food portion of it and couldn’t figure out what had the most calories.  Which really kind of explains a lot about their struggles with weight.  Arthur actually made it across the balance beam after only a couple tries and Hannah nailed her first arrow right in the heart.  Which is hysterical given her love for this Hallmark holiday.  The Black team dominated the Red team so much, there was really no suspense, but of course Arthur had to try and create some drama with the last puzzle piece.  Have I mentioned I’m over him?  The Black team wins and they rejoice over Netflix:  Family style.

Wait until she finds out it is “Eat, Pray, Love”

We’re back at the ranch and there is an awful cereal product placement commercial and you can tell trainer-in-waiting Brett is the lowest man on the totem pole, so he is forced to do the hosting.  Haha.  You definitely have to work your way up out of doing these stupid segments.  Does Jillian even do them anymore?  And now the Black team gets to watch their videos and this is always fun for us because we get to see their families and friends and bad decorating decisions.  First up is Irene and her boyfriend, Jason.  And this guy.

Little Chilean miner drummer boy

Courtney’s sister and Dad are up next and yay!  Shoulder pads came back in style while they were at the ranch.

Arthur’s wife was apparently interrupted making ends meet with amateur porn

How messy would your living room really have to be to tape in your bedroom?

Olivia is shocked at how skinny her husband is.  Or he has scurvy.

We got no oranges!

Sarah gets to see her dog and what is with all the bedrooms?  Is this some kind of sick tie in with Valentine’s Day?

Dog is on the right

Deni gets to see her daughter’s wedding which was appropriately decorated with giant-sized chocolate doors.

“We’re having a great time without youuuuuuu!”

It is now time for the weigh in.  The team that loses the highest percentage of weight loss will not have to send anyone home.  Of course not.  Because it would be ridiculous to tie this thing up before the end of the year.  Or the End of Days…  The team that does not win picks someone to send home.  No yellow line, just a big ol’ popularity contest.  Nice.  Arthur could be screwed if the Black Team loses.  Oh and the highest weight loss from the losing team is also safe.  Got it?  Alison greets Brett and Cara and welcomes them to their first weigh in.

I’m so excited I could puke product placement cereal.

And their team is up first.  Jay loses 14lbs and so does his daughter, Jennifer.  Wow!  You might think Arthur is sweating this out, but I would guess Bob and Jillian are also.  They need to be better than the newbies, right?  Oh, wait!  Before we move on, let’s see how our girl Alison is dressed this week:

Pink?  Check.  Heart shaped?  Check.  Cleavage?  Check.  She wants to be our Valentine.

Austin drops 10lbs and his Dad, Ken loses 14lbs.  Brett speaks up like he’s Bob or something.  But until he is a real trainer…

Blahblahblahblah

Q is up next and he’s all happy and optimistic and Rulon has to jump in that the pressure is all on him.  Rulon:  Who asked you?  Q loses 7lbs, which isn’t great and he knows it but he’s trying to maintain a positive front.   Brett says something about calories but we don’t listen to him right now.  Justin “weighs in” on Q’s weight loss and apparently he thinks he’s the show’s 5^th trainer.  Rulon loses 12lbs and Justin, the all-knowing, loses 10lbs.  Hey, Justin—you barely made it into double digits.  Kaylee (known to me as Moses’ daughter) loses 5lbs and Moses himself needs to lose over 10lbs to be the person on the ranch to lose 100lbs the fastest.  One more time—cut off a leg and that record is yours.  He loses 11lbs and the Biggest Loser record!   Yay for him.  So, to summarize—the Black team needs to lose 77lbs to win this week.

And guess who can feel a little chocolate bile forming?

Deni is up first and she loses 9lbs.  Her daughter Sarah loses 10lbs.  Cara looks pissed by this.  Way to be supportive!  Arthur is next and he is worried.  He should be.  He should also lay potato chips around his bed so he can hear his teammates come in his room at night to smother him.  He loses 9lbs then his Dad, Jesse loses 11lbs.  Courtney loses 10lbs and Marci loses 13lbs.  That is really unbelievable.  Olivia is next and she automatically wins the weigh in by dropping 16lbs.  Although they still have people to weigh in, the Black team is announced as the winners.  What???

Where are these guys when you need them?

Someone could have gained weight, so I think that is a little premature.  Irene lost 12lbs (wow) and Hannah lost 9lbs.  The girls absolutely kicked butt this week!  They killed the Red team and Bob and Jillian have credibility again.  So, good try Brett and Cara.  Maybe a little more time on the treadmills would help?  Jen has immunity on the Red team since she lost the most and Jay knows he’s in danger.  Except he’s not at all.  The dislike of Q is bigger than the man himself and he is ousted.  His “now” video shows that he has lost another 43lbs at home, but he is still a big boy.  Poor L…

Married to Qlueless…Yep, eliminated

Until next week—thanks for joining me!