Biggest Loser–Laying a Golden Egg

And we’re back with Biggest Loser!  The show that changes lives by never ending.  Before we start with this week’s installment, I have a question:  When someone is morbidly obese and they lose a boatload of weight, what happens to the extra skin?  Do they have it surgically removed?

Season 9’s Winning Skin!

These folks are getting to the point that skin is starting to hang off—a problem they all probably don’t mind at this point, but I would think it would have to be dealt with eventually.  And I imagine some sort of plastic surgery would have to be necessary.  Am I right on this?

Moving on…we’re back on the ranch after Justin was ousted last week.  I gave Justin a lot of grief during his time on the ranch, but when you’re watching a show that really has too many nice people on it, what’s a girl to do?  Pick on the guy with the goatee, she said.  So, he’s gone after a remarkably graceful exit and Kaylee, who tried to quit last week by throwing the challenge, deems it necessary to address the rest of the ranch.  Everyone’s sitting around the house (and when they sit around the house, they really…yeah, that would have worked a couple of months ago, but not so much now) and they all look miserable.  Kaylee is crying and telling the group that apart from her father, Justin is the one person she didn’t want to see go home.  Moses speaks up in defense of his daughter telling them she was just so tired of the game play, so she tried to throw a challenge?  I love me some Moses, but what he’s selling, not everybody’s buying…

And Moses, try not to piss off the wrestler…He won’t care where you got your name

Rulon verbally agrees with Moses but tells us there is just no way to replace Justin.  On to the gym!  Alison is standing next to the scale and Olivia tells us she loves Ali, but  it is never good to see her in the middle of the week.  Because that’s when she’s behind on her laundry?

What you can’t see are the dirty sweatpants.

Oh, we know there has to be some sort of twist going on and she tells the group that thousands of millions of billions of people wanted to be on the ranch but they were part of the eleven teams picked.  She shows them a video of Day One where they’re all gathered in some unfurnished hotel ballroom and she’s announced to them they are going to be on BL.  Jennifer tells us you just can’t imagine how far they’ve come.  Jen—we’ve been here since the beginning, so yes, we can.  We know you better than our own family because we see you more.  Rulon sees the video of Justin and starts crying.  Hannah sees a picture of what her hair used to look like and should start crying.

Plastic barrettes are looking better and better.

Kaylee is watching the video and she says this was a good reminder that she needs to focus.  All I can think of while this is all going on and tears are flowing and bangs are flapping is can you imagine being the event coordinator at this hotel, showing around a prospective bride and groom and trying to sell them a wedding package?  You wander in the wrong ballroom and you get a bunch of sadly obese people hugging each other and crying.  It would scare the hell out of some people.  Alison breaks the spell and asks Rulon how all this makes him feel.  He responds that he has a new leash on life.  Not lease, leash.  Ha—never change, big man, never change.  Alison asks the group, “You were the chosen 11 teams.  Did you ever think about the 12^th?”  Blank stares from all around, because like me, they have no idea what she’s talking about.  I mean, is there a set number of teams that is supposed to be on this show?  Things change every single week around here, so how are they supposed to know to expect anything at all?  It is like saying, “Did you ever think about the teams from New Mexico who didn’t make it on to the show?”  Um, no, Alison and why the hell would we?

Did you ever think about what would happen if we replaced all the regular light bulbs with strobe lights and went to single ply TP?

Uh…

This of course is all a big set up to bring in a random guy and what looks like his Mom, wearing White BL t-shirts and who are not nearly as fit as the teams on the ranch.  This prompts Olivia to say that is what they looked like in the beginning.  LOL.  She has no idea what these two have been doing—she just assumes it was nothing.  This White team is Leann and Vance and they are from Utah.  They were not invited to the empty ballroom, but instead got a home visit from Alison to inform them they’re not on the show.

I’m here to tell you you’re not the biggest loser.  Not even a ranch loser.  Not really a weight loser.  I’m not really sure why I’m here…they gave me a bus ticket and a comb and here I am.

Alison goes on to tell them that even though they’re not on the show, they have the chance to do it at home and earn themselves a spot on campus and today is the day to find out!  They basically have to beat the highest percentage of weight loss on the campus, which is Kaylee at 25.32%.  I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure these two aren’t anywhere close to that and I don’t mean that to be cruel.  You can tell by just looking at them, so why make them go through all this?  Vance, the son is up first and he needed to have lost 95lbs to get on the ranch.  He lost 30lbs.  He says it has been a real struggle at home because unlike the regular players, he cannot spend every minute of every day focusing on himself and his weight.  Courtney jumps in right away and tells him how great he’s done at home and she totally agrees with him on the at home struggles.  His Mom gets up there and she loses a whopping 45lbs, but needed to lose 79lbs to get on the ranch, so she’s gone too.  They are both invited to the finale.  To compete?  To sweep floors?  We’ll never know.  So…bring them on the show to encourage them?  Discourage them?  Advertise how important the ranch is?

Fail X 2

It seemed really kind of mean to tell them they didn’t make it twice.  They’ve done a damned good job at home, so good for them.  Enjoy the bus trip back!  Moving on to things that matter, let’s move on to this week’s pop challenge.  They are still the four separate teams and the purpose is to carry this big wooden plank with a rubber-type ball on it.  You carry the plank with the ball across a small field and drop the ball into a basket.  There is a hole in the plank so balance is required so the ball doesn’t fall through the hole until the players get to the basket.  Whew.   The winning team gets a one minute advantage in the real challenge.  But the real kicker: the last team to finish has to spend the week off campus.  Jennifer immediately tells us that spending a week off campus really sucks.

Wait, what?

HAHA!  Yep, that’s how she feels.  Two people from each team get to compete and for the Green team, Austin and Kaylee are working amazingly well together, which I’m sure makes Courtney happy.

Kaylee better watch her weigh-in throwin’ ass

It is a very fast challenge and the Green team wins and the last team?  Yep—it is the Red team of Courtney and ranch-loving Jennifer.  So, Courtney and Jennifer are hanging out in some gazebo when Alison explains how that week off the ranch is going to work.  As a team, they have $1000.00 and she hands them a “menu” to help them decide what to use that money for.  There are food options and luxury items and work out options.  They decide to look at food options first.  They’ve decided to do their own grocery shopping, which saves some money but then they chose a massage for each and one night out at a restaurant.  The most surprising choice:  They didn’t want to spend the $200.00 for the personal trainer and decide to do the cheaper gym membership instead.

Hey, smiley,  you’re getting dissed at every turn

They have leftover money so they vote for meth and hookers.  Kidding!  Alison comes back to get their decisions and she rides them a bit for blowing off personal training then tells them to go pack.  Courtney is already feeling the cognitive dissonance over their choices and tells us she should have stood up to Jen about having Brett continue to train them.  Brett comes up to their room, which oddly says “Courtney and Irene” on the door, but it is really Courtney and Jennifer.  Hey, did you know Irene was still on the show??

My plan is…to…just…run…

Thanks for checking in, Irene!  Brett asks them what they all chose for their week off campus and it feels like a really awkward high school break up with the girls tell him they didn’t choose him.

It’s not you, really…it’s us…We’ve just drifted apart…

Brett gathers up what’s left of his pride and starts to give instructions on what they’re supposed to do while they’re on their own.  He’s worried for Courtney, because although she still has a lot of weight to lose, she’s hit a wall.  He believes (as does Courtney), this might have been the most important week for him to be with her.  So, what does he do for the rest of the week while they’re gone?

Party time, ranch style

So the girls are wandering up some road and get to this big ol’ house/mansion and are excited as hell because it is gorgeous.  They’re all excited and running around and can’t believe they get the whole place to themselves.  They are in the resort area of Ojai, California and it looks stunning.  Then this happens.

I have a key to the fantasy suite

OMG—they’re on the wrong set!  Run girls, before you get molested by some 30-something douche who wants to get married!  In all seriousness, that place is beautiful.  Back on the ranch, Jillian is talking to her team about who is gone from the ranch and the choices they made there.  Bob has learned the benefits of telling the truth.

“I’m a real boy!”

Hannah tattles on the girls about them not buying Brett’s training services and Jillian is trying to act all pissy about it, but inside you know she’s laughing her ass off.  Cara is with Kaylee and trying to act all tough and mad about trying to throw the weigh in last week, but you know she’s just worried about her job and/or resume.   Jillian is hanging out with Moses on the treadmill while he looks longingly at the boxing equipment.  Jillian’s all, “What up, Mos?”.  He’s all:  “I miss boxing.  I love it.”  Next thing you know, he’s happily boxing and they’re both calling it a trainer/trainee breakthrough.  WOW—that’s reaching.  And even though Rulon is technically on Jillian’s Black team, Bob tells us he’s all excited about having his hand on an Olympic Gold Medalist.  Not to diminish the success of an Olympic Gold Medal athlete, I still think Bob needs to get out more.  Bob wants Rulon to do a handstand and he is just falling all over him to try it.  He has a serious crush on Rulon.

“Think about baseball, think about baseball”.

Rulon finally does one and I have to say, from that angle—his legs are looking pretty damn hot at this point.  Give me a break—this is not a show for eye candy.  The next scene is Bob and his Blue team at a middle school, exercising with the kids and feeding them a healthy lunch.  Normally, I ignore these commercials, but the principal’s name is Mr. Hands, which I find hilarious.

Aloha.  My name is Mr. Hand.

Off the ranch, Courtney and Jen are hiking and spinning and eating a really boring meal at a restaurant.  Enough of that—time for a challenge!  Alison greets the teams in a big field.

Owner of California’s largest rack.  Hat rack, that is.

The challenge is basically a big Easter egg hunt.  Each team of three has to collect 600 of their team colored eggs.  Courtney and Jen, down one member, have to collect 400.  Sucks to be the green team on this one!  Too bad there is not a camouflage team.  They’d be wandering around for hours, eventually stumbling, dehydrated, muttering “coloredeggscoloredeggs” on to the nearest highway.  Then the real challenge would begin!  Ah, but that’s for a different show.  The winning team gets 2 tickets to the movie premiere of “Hop”.  One person will find a Golden egg which will have a special surprise in it.  And every team that finishes (I mean, really?  Who’s not going to finish???   There’s not even a time limit!) gets to watch the movie “Hop” in the house with a special guest.  So, the winning team gets to go to the premiere after already seeing the movie???  They should totally yell out the ending to the people who haven’t seen it.  Because it would totally ruin a suspense thriller like “Hop”.  The Green team won a one minute advantage so they head out first.  After a sizeable lead from that advantage, the rest of the teams head out.  Kaylee realizes pretty quickly the Black team doesn’t really care about their own colored eggs (screw you, “Hop”!), they’re focusing on finding the golden one.  Olivia from the  Blue team finds it first and the rest of the challenge is just everyone gathering (and dropping) their colored eggs.  Which would have been much better had they been real, uncooked and maybe even spoiled eggs.  Or ostrich eggs.  The Green team wins the challenge and the movie tickets with the Red team close behind.  Jennifer tells us if the Green team hadn’t had that extra minute, she and Courtney would have pulled out the victory.  Everyone finishes the challenge, so yay?

You’ve just accomplished what millions of children do every year.

Now it is time for Olivia to reveal the prize in the golden egg.  And it is…she gets the only vote.  Oh, boy—she is not happy about that.  That is, she gets the only vote as long as the Blue team doesn’t lose the weigh in.  And she is quick to tell us she doesn’t want anything to do with that kind of power.  Oh, get over it, girl…send Brett home—he isn’t doing anything.  Oh, if only she could…Next we get the scene where everyone is dressed in normal clothes and getting ready to watch the movie.  Their special guest is a little cutie named James Marsden who is in the movie.  He acts all impressed about their weight loss and refuses to offer them popcorn or soda.  Lamest movie-watching ever.  I guess if you’re starved for entertainment inside the house, with nothing but extra large fruit bowls to look at, even a kid’s movie is a break from the daily routine.  It’s better than watching Rulon’s toenails grow, I’m sure.

Time for the last chance workout!

Balls to the wall, people!

Jillian’s getting all porno with Jay.  “Are you going to get it up there?  C’mon, whip it!” and that’s enough to get Hannah all riled up and she starts humping Jillian on the treadmill.  (you’re just going to have to trust me on that one…couldn’t get a pic).   Good grief, people—this is what “Hop” did to you?

Next we see Hannah and Olivia talking strategy.  If the Black team is the lowest, there is no way Olivia will vote for Hannah to get ousted (which would be pretty funny but would make for miserable future holidays), so it would either need to be Jay or Rulon.  Okay—enough of that—it is time for the weigh in!  And I’ll be the first to say, Alison looks really pretty this week.

Gosh, James Marsden was here?  I..heh…had no idea..tee hee…

Before anyone gets on the scale, Alison wants to know from Jennifer and Courtney if not keeping Brett for the week was a good decision.

Helloooo???  Have you even had a massage and eaten at Olive Garden lately?

Okay, she didn’t say that.  She actually said she regrets the decision.  Doesn’t hurt that Brett’s standing about a foot away from her.  Who wants to hurt his delicate feelings in front of everybody?  Besides me, I mean.

Blue team is up first with Olivia, holder of the golden egg and the ugliest lipstick color ever.

It does, however, take the attention off the hair.

Olivia was at 180lbs and loses 4lbs.  Silent Irene is up next and she is down to 170lbs, losing 3lbs over last week.  Once again, Alison just kicks her off the scale.  No “So, how do you feel about 3lbs?” or anything.  The editors of this show can find us absolutely nothing to show from her.  Maybe she cusses like a sailor—who knows?  Moses was 300lbs last week and he lost 7lbs this week.  So, that’s the Blue team.

Green team is up and they need to lose more than 15lbs.  Ken of the “I don’t know how to throw a weigh-in” tribe, gets up there and loses 6lbs.  His son, Austin, loses 7lbs.  I still don’t get why these guys aren’t losing more, but they are fairly consistent.  Kayle is up next and they have to lose more than 2lbs to be safe.  Now, Kaylee was done-finished-ready-to-go-home last week.  This week?  She lost 5lbs.  She’s down to 169lbs and Cara looks thrilled, as if she had something to do with it.  Kaylee immediately tells everyone the videos from Day One were her inspiration.  Man, the newbie trainers are getting just NO love this week.

Videos?  What?  Where?

The point is, Cara cannot NOT  look at Jillian when one of her team members do well.  Anybody else notice that?  She’s just chomping at the bit for her chance at a Malibu beach house.

Someday…Or not…

Black team is up now and they have to lose more than 16lbs to be safe.  Jay loses 6lbs, down to 276lbs.  Rulon is up next and he loses only 5lbs, down to 325lbs.  Hannah, the bitchy little tattle tale immediately tells Jillian that Rulon eats too much.  Hey, bangs—why don’t you mind your own business and STFU?  Then they show a clip of Rulon in his bedroom scarfing down some tortilla chips and dip.  Jay tells us Rulon is always grazing on things he shouldn’t.  First of all, I’m creeped out by the bedroom camera.  For obvious reasons.  Secondly, I can’t imagine there are really “bad” food items in the house.  Why would there be?  We all know that you can eat too much of the right thing and still gain weight so, Jay?  You STFU also, please.  Moving on…Hannah is up last and she loses exactly zero.  Not a single pound.  She was 172lbs last week and that’s where she is this week.  Where’s the hidden camera showing her not working as hard, since her sister has the only vote???  Oh, that’s right—we don’t want hidden cameras on Hannah.  Ever.  Okay, so here’s where we stand:

No, not there, silly

On the Black team, Snack-cop Jay is safe because he lost the highest percentage of weight on his team.  Hannah is safe because even if the Black team loses, Olivia would have to be the cold hearted bitch I wish she would be to get rid of her.  So, basically, unless the Red team (Courtney and Jennifer) screws up and ends up in the bottom, Rulon is the one going home.  Now, here is where it gets fun.  The last two to weigh in decide everything.  If Jen and Courtney don’t lose the weigh in, Rulon is going home (to eat chips privately, thank you!).  If Jen and Courtney don’t beat the Black team, one of them will be the biggest loser on that team, losing the highest percentage of weight and the other is the automatic vote.  Got it?  Good.  I’ve got to quit watching this late at night, because when Alison succeeds in confusing me on a freakin’ weigh-in, it makes my self-confidence plummet.

You know how I feel, right?

Courtney is up first.  Last week she weighed 234lbs and this week?  232lbs.  She lost a measly 2lbs.  And she is pissed.  She should have spoken up about the trainer.  Brett is DYING to say “told you so” and then it is Jennifer’s turn.  She needs to lose more than 3lbs to save her and Courtney and send Rulon home and the result?  Zippo.  Nada.  Zero.  She lost zero weight.  Courtney lost the highest percentage so Jen is going home.  Rulon’s happy and I think Olivia was very relieved she didn’t have to make a choice.  Jay?  Seems pretty clueless or completely cold that his daughter is going home.  In fact, this is like the weirdest ending to BL this season.  No one seems unhappy, especially Jay.  They’re more like:

And less like:

Anybody else think that was odd?  So, Jennifer is gone, but she’s done well at both the ranch and at home afterwards, so good for her.  Next week we’ll get more Rulon hidden camera stuff.  *Shiver*

Thanks for joining me!