Biggest Loser—Love Me Do

Hello!   This week on Biggest Loser we start where we always start—last week.  I know!  Makes perfect sense.  We get to witness Patrick turning on his buddy Jesse and really setting the big boy off…

Et tu, Patrick?

After the flashback, Patrick explains to us that yes, he did vote off Aaron because Aaron was his biggest (pun intended) competition.  So, not only did he screw over his buddy, Jesse, by picking game over friendship; he didn’t even view Jesse as a threat.  Yikes.  The finale will be fun for these two.  Alison explains to the remaining eight players that the game is now back to individuals.  No partners.  No teams.  By themselves.  No one to trust.  No one to blame.  Nowhere to hide.  Nothing to save them.  They will be picked off one by one, like sluts in a slasher movie.

Have a good night!

Wheezy is still pissed at being yelled at during the last weigh in and is excited about being by herself and proving something.  She doesn’t say what she’s going to prove, but I sure hope it has something to do with, you know, actually losing weight and not being in the bottom two.  I like Wheezy and I’m sure she’s a nice person, but she’s not exactly blowing the yellow line out of the water.

Fail

Bob and Jillian enter the gym and quickly figure out Aaron and Jesse are gone.  These two are quick.  Bob immediately targets Brendan and says he didn’t think there was going to be any game play.  Brendan immediately points to Wheezy and tells him he wasn’t going to vote her out.  Let’s take a moment, shall we?  Brendan and Frado have time and time again saved Wheezy from elimination.  As nice as I’m sure she is, we all know that is total game play and they do have an alliance.  At least, I hope and pray to all that is holy, sacred and covered in melty cheese there is nothing personal between Wheezy and Brendan.  Bob is absolutely livid and he storms through the gym, ignoring everyone and being all pissy.  He tells us he is absolutely sick of these people playing the game and calling it something else.  And he doesn’t mean, Scene It or Sorry or even Monopoly.  He decides he is going to work with Brendan and only Brendan.

Ass=grass

Bob is kicking Brendan’s butt all over the gym and Brendan is whining that everything is too hard and too heavy, etc.  I think Brendan is lucky Bob is not literally kicking his ass.  Jessica tells us she is frustrated too about her own weight loss but is encouraged to do it alone.  Mark tells us everyone has fire in their bellies now.  We can all hope it is low fat fire.  Bob takes a break from Brendan bashing to pull Patrick outside to talk about the last elimination.  Patrick tells us he is unemployed and has had to borrow money from his family to be on this show.  FINALLY, someone who will admit to wanting the prize money.  Patrick explains to Bob is he is used to putting everyone else first and his goal is to win this show.

And to rid the world of ear wax, one ear at a time

Bob wants the competition to be about the biggest people, because that will push him to work even harder.  Um, Bob?  He just explained he wants to win, not make it harder to win.  Bob gives Patrick examples of previous winners and explains they all had a specific plan to win the whole thing and he doesn’t feel like Patrick has a plan.  I totally don’t get this.  Patrick is playing this by getting out his threats.  It’s called “Survivor—Heavy Island”.

Back in the gym, Bob and Jillian announce a plan to de-stress all the players.  They have videos from home.  Cue:  tears.  Cue:  Ada (aw, crap).  This is not going to be good.  For those of you joining this show midstream, we all hate Ada’s family—or at least her parents.  Her little brother drowned when she was four and her Dad always blamed her.  Yes, she was FOUR.  Then she was in a car accident with another brother and he was injured, as was she.  And guess what?  Yep—her fault.  Bob pulls Ada outside to tell her some bad, but not altogether surprising news.  He says they contacted her family several times to get a video but got no response.  So unlike the other players, they have no video for her.  My opinion on this—it is probably better she didn’t get a video from this mob of swine she calls family.  She’s doing just fine without them.

Ada girl, you are not too old to adopt.

Bob assures her she can overcome this and this too shall pass.  The rest of the team is inside getting ready to watch their videos (oddly, together) and are talking about Ada.  Patrick gets the first look at his family.  His boys are adorable and his wife has lost a bunch of weight too.  Good for her.

And she wore her good tank top

Frado’s wife comes to us from the staircase and goes on and on about how proud she is.  I think she’s gone behind his back and redecorated the house and that’s why she’s sitting on the steps.  Then his daughter comes on and tells him if he makes it to the final 4, she’ll run the last 10 miles of the marathon with him.

Mom sold all my wall hangings for the new furniture

Lisa’s video shows a boatload of people crammed on a couch, yelling and waving.  Unfortunately, they’re not waving a “Way to barely stick with it, Quitter!” sign.  Her attention whore daughter comes on to wish her good luck.

Or I will totally starve myself again and make you cry.

Brendan’s Mom comes on to tell him not to doubt himself again.  And that he is a good son, a good brother and gosh darn it, people like you.  Except for those who watch this show.  Brendan tells us he hasn’t always been the best son or best brother.  Shocking, I know.  Then I notice something else on him.

Apparently, Extra Key Lime Pie flavor is not exactly a gum of the whitening variety

Jessica’s Mom is rather cruelly sitting at a kitchen table, which is kind of like filming your video at McDonald’s.  Jessica tells us she and her Mom haven’t always been close.  We don’t get any more of the story, so we’ll just make one up.  Jessica borrowed her Mom’s car to go joyriding with the debate team from college.  Since the group couldn’t agree on which direction to go (it is a debate team after all), they ended up running out of gas and abandoning the car.  Then, Jessica caught a ride with a truck driver back to her town, but as repayment, had to drive a van full of “commodities” back from Mexico.  She’s been alluding the Mexican authorities ever since.  Luckily, since “¿Cuánto quieres perder?” is not a big hit south of the border, they don’t know she’s been on a hit reality show for the last 3 months.  That would cause a strain on anyone’s relationship really.

They knock at my door, noon and night, looking for El Viajero (The Traveler)….

Wheezy is up next and Mrs. Wheezy has lost a lot of weight too.  She shows the food she’s been cooking to be healthy, but it looks suspiciously to me like fried ravioli.

Chef Boyarwheeze

Mark’s video features his girl cousin who has also lost a lot of weight, inspired by Mark being on the ranch.  He tells us he’s not even home yet and he’s inspiring people!  Or maybe (yes, cynically) he was the enabler in his cousin’s unhealthy lifestyle.  He was probably that guy in bars yelling, “One more round!”.  I love that guy…

While everyone else is inside chillin’, Ada is outside by herself, explaining to us that her culture is different and because of that culture, she does know her parents love her—they just show it differently.  Oh yeah, I know that culture—it’s called Asshole People and they hold festivals annually, kicking puppies and making fun of the elderly.  Lisa and Brendan go out to talk to her and ask her why she’s by herself.  She explains she didn’t want pull the joy away from everyone else with her own situation.  They tell her they have something for her.  It turns out the rest of the players made a video for her explaining they are her family now and they each say something nice about her.  Lisa seems oddly entranced by seeing herself on film, but the whole thing is sweet.  Then they say, “Raise your hands if you love Ada!”

Brendan:  “Frado, am I supposed to raise my hands?”

Frado:  “Yes, Brendan—this is not a strategy.”

Oh, the love jazz hands can give

Trainer Recapper Tip:  If hair removal wax makes your upper lip break out, ask yourself this question:  Would you rather be a girl with a few pimples or have people question your gender while you’re wearing a baseball cap and sweats?  Go with the zits—makes it less awkward for everyone.

Back in the gym, Jessica tells us she is getting exhausted.  (Getting???  I’m exhausted just watching this show).  Jillian tells Wheezy she is going to kill her and she wants to ruin her life today.  Jill, which is it?  I’m distracted by all this because what is going on with Wheezy’s face?

Have you not read my tip?

It is the 9^th week now and Jillian wants Wheezy to do 500 steps.  Eighty years ago, when this season started, Wheezy couldn’t finish her 500 steps for the audition and had to be whisked to the hospital and now they want to see her try it again.  The whole group gathers around her to encourage her and support her.  And to take a break, I’m sure.  She kicks butt on it now and can even still breathe.  She tells us she’s been haunted by having to be saved by Jillian (no kidding—who wants to owe her favors??) and she didn’t earn her way on the ranch.  Jillian tells her she deserves to be here—she needs to act like it.

You’re very large and have a rough personal life.  Be happy!  You deserve it.

And it is challenge time!  Alison gathers them around a big pool in some non-disclosed location.  It would have been awesome if it was at a local Super 8 and some big tacky family came out and plopped down with their coolers and blow up swim rings.  But alas, they are alone.  Lisa immediately tells us she’s excited if it is a swimming challenge because she’ll have a huge advantage.  She did not go into specifics, but I think we can safely assume she has webbed feet.  Good for her.  Ada is not so happy and reminds us she lost her little brother in a pool.  Yikes.  The challenge is basically this:  Each person has to balance on one foot for 5 seconds and not fall into the water.  If that person succeeds, he or she picks the next person to balance and the amount of time to balance increases as the challenge progresses.  The winner will get a 1 pound advantage at the weigh in.  Alison tells the group that since Frado has the highest amount of weight loss on the ranch, he gets to choose first.  He picks Jessica first.  Jessica succeeds and picks Brendan who loses it immediately.  She then picks Frado who loses it immediately, but does a perfect dive into the pool.

10, 10, and….6 (Russian judges are tough!)

It goes on and on and on and then it gets down to Ada, Mark and Lisa and I suddenly realize they’re wearing helmets.  Really?   It is water in the pool, not rocks, right?  Mark and Lisa go back and forth repeatedly, while Ada just watches.  She’s down on her platform, playing solitaire and trying to figure out what other heart-wrenching thing the producers are going to throw her way today.  Lisa foot finally starts cramping and she loses it.  Ada loses it next and Mark wins the challenge!

And it is time for some crazy product placement disguised as a challenge.  Each person has to make a unique Subway sandwich.  Everyone votes for their favorite sandwich and whoever is the best tasting and has the lowest calories wins a $500.00 gift card from Subway.

Nomnom, I love product placements

Lisa wins the challenge and says she gets to buy her family 100 $5.00 footlongs.  Two things:  Don’t do that all in one week.  And?  Lamest commercial ever.

At the last chance workout, Bob singles out Elizabeth and Mark tells Jillian he won the 1lb challenge, which for some reason shocks her.  I guess she thinks the big guys have no balance, which seems both size-ist and sexist.  Bob and Wheezy are working together and Bob tells us he is tired of Wheezy just getting by.  She’ll be under 200lbs if she loses 9lbs this week.  Bob really seems to have it in for her this episode, but he might also still be all shook up from the apparent bird attack on the way to the gym.

It was my favorite gray t-shirt

Jillian is working with Frado and his incentive is to lose 9 pounds this week for a total of 100lbs in 9 weeks.  He tells her and us that it is all about him now.  Jessica tells us she has been struggling all week since Jesse’s been gone.  Was there a Jessica/Jesse romance going on we weren’t aware of?  Thankfully, I might add?  She just wants to get a really good sweat going with this Last Chance Workout.  Dang, girl, you may not want Jillian hear you say that.  She’ll rip your heart out with her bare hands and hurl it at the wall with that kind of non-motivated talk.  I’ve seen her do it.  Well, kind of.  Okay, not really.  But she could.  And it would be awesome.

Because a Last Chance Workout is really more of a [finger quotes] warm up

At the weigh in, we see Alison is taunting the players with forbidden button candy.

You can not eat my jacket

She tells the group it is now four men versus four women, just in case we had not noticed that and we’ve all become strangely blind to gender differences.  She tells them if they make it through this week, they’ll be getting makeovers.  OMG—that is my favorite episode ever, ever, ever!!!  I can’t wait for that.  The players are excited too—oddly, the men more so than the women.

Grrrl, you get me in some mesh and sequins and watch out!

*Shudder*  Sorry about that.  The guys weigh in first.  Mark has the l lb advantage.  Does he need it?  Will he use it?  Oh, the burning pee questions.  He loses 8lbs.  Yay!  Patrick knocks it out of the ballpark with 10lbs.  Anybody know how much ear wax weighs?  Frado:  loses the 9lbs to get him to the 100lbs in 9 weeks.  What is odd here is that he is doing really well, it just looks like Jillian doesn’t like Frado.  What is her beef, exactly?

He confuses me!  Game play and game strength?  My brain hurts!

Brendan:  8lbs.  Wow.  He can’t help but remind us of what a great alliance he is in because even though he did really well, he’s really hard to root for.

Wheezy is up first for the girls.  Traditionally, she’s done pretty bad on the scale and her alliance has saved her.  How did she do?  Well, I’ll tell you.  a)  I want to and b) it is my job.  She lost  4lbs.  Ho-hum.  I’m green with envy, but I’m not trapped on a ranch with no pizza or beer so there you have it.   Jessica does terrible, losing only 1lb and she says it was such a stressful week without Jesse.

You wanna talk to me about “stressful”?  Bitch, please.

And now on to Lisa who loses 6lbs and is finally above the yellow line. She tells the group she’s finally ready to be there.  Hey, great!  Whatever… Maybe she doesn’t want to go home to a needy tween, hmm???

Ada gets up there and as the true ninja she is, knocks it out at 8lbs.  And she is once again the top of the leader board.  Jessica and Wheezy (AGAIN!) are below the yellow line.  Jillian feels the cold emptiness of no spotlight heat so she has to pipe up and remind everyone what Ada went through this week.  Ada was probably like, “Great; thanks.  I was just getting over it too.’

There was no shocking revelation at the vote.  Jessica’s alliance is gone and Wheezy has her back covered by Brendan and Frado.  Before the actual vote, Alison reminds them all about makeover week.  Again.  Because we’ve all blacked out for the last ten minutes when she announced it the first time.

Geez, girl, get over it.  Get yourself to a Clinique counter stat!

And as expected, Jessica is voted out.  They show us her 24 hours later, being driven through the desert (hopefully, not by Joe Pesci) and she tells us she was pretty bummed out about missing makeover week.  So, she stops and gets her own makeover.  She also donates a bunch of her hair to Locks of Love.  Awww, very nice.  And wowsa, Jessica is a hottie.  Good for you!  We meet her Mom, Taffy (yeah, I know) and it seems they’re going to put any bad blood behind them.  Jessica wants to pay it forward by working with schools and their nutrition programs.  Here she is now or then or a couple of days ago or in two weeks or whatever.  She looks good.  That’s all I’ve got.

Until next week!