Biggest Loser MiniCap: Hostess Mostest

***We’ve finally found you the perfect Biggest Loser recapper. Please welcome MollyMcDark to the gasm! 

Yayyyy…what an awesome assignment…The Biggest Loser! This week the show continues their “No Excuses” theme by attacking the “I don’t have time to go to the Gym” excuse which has long been valued by pussies everywhere. Oh, wait…that would be me.

Anyway, we see the red team and the black team gathered at a fake construction site especially set up for this week’s challenge. Alison tells the teams that they will be competing for the right to use the gym for the next week…the winning team gets to use the equipment while the losing team will just have to press their noses against the windows and watch. They explain that Buddy from the red team is missing this challenge because he’s gone home to be with his wife who is having a baby. (I hope he isn’t using his new “No Excuses” tactics on his wife, because a bitch will cut you while she’s in labor.)

Both teams put on their hard hats, pick up a battering ram and begin their obstacle course. Every time they come to an orange traffic cone (notice how I am passing up an easy joke here) they lift it to reveal a nutrition question with two possible answers. Example:

Which snack combination is more awesome:

a) Hostess Donettes and chocolate milk

b) Hostess Donettes and white milk

Obviously the answer is “A” so you would aim the battering ram at the door marked “A” and burst right through to continue the course. But wait! If you choose the wrong answer, which the black team did EVERY SINGLE TIME, you end up knee deep in some sort of disgusting muck. The red team easily won, ruining my hopes of seeing Condra falling and rolling around helplessly in sludge.

So the red team gets to use the gym, while the black team has to do things like lift some dining room chairs (couldn’t they just lift each other?) and jump around cans of vegetables…which really seems to prove that gym memberships are overrated. Mrs. Santa is totally pissed because her team lost and Santa did a bit of gloating…she tells him he’s a sore winner, but I thought she said “sore wiener” and I guess the production crew thought so too, so they provided subtitles. Heh. She stomps into in the bathroom, slams the door and won’t come out, saying she wants to go home. Pussy.

While Bob is giving Mrs. Santa the “You can do it!” talk, Dolvett is in the gym working the red team to the brink of massive coronaries. It doesn’t take long before Condra works his last nerve and he throws her out. Yay! Sadly, he lets her back in when she apologizes.

Time for the scales, and everyone is gathered in all their fleshy glory. Sorry… it’s just…couldn’t they give them like robes or something? Or maybe cummerbunds? Anyhow…red team wins the weigh-in, which probably saves Condra’s ass from being sent home, dammit.

Of course the show ends with crying and elimination. Mrs. Santa gets votes for shutting herself in the bathroom, but whiny Gail gets one vote more, sending her packing. Lots more to tell about in this episode, so come back in a couple of days for the full recap…and free Hostess Donettes for everyone!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!