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Welcome back to the Biggest Loser, otherwise known as…
Without the cool horsey thing and the awesome 80’s special effects.
Just kidding—I wouldn’t watch BL or write about it if I didn’t like it. I just wish they didn’t start with so many people and it would move just a little faster.
Biggest Loser—Week One
But I guess we wouldn’t see the dramatic transformations to which we’ve grown accustomed if they tried to wrap this up in four weeks. So, let’s jump right in to where it left off last time. Arthur is trying to explain to his Dad, Jesse, what exactly his strategy was by pushing Jay and Jennifer on to the Red team. He feels he sent a really strong team over there so he is not worried about them getting voted off. Well, Arthur, there are two things wrong with this strategy: Sending Jay and Jennifer to the Red team just made the Red team stronger and able to win more challenges. Also—Jay and Jen are still outsiders over on that team so one of them will be the very first ones voted off, if they lose the weigh in. So, not really sure what that whole strategy was. Jesse seems to agree with me.
Maybe we should have spent less time at the Golden Corral and more time discussing what actual strategy is.
Arthur tells us he has pissed off every single person off and his Dad is walking around with a permanent “WTF” face on now, so he has to put up a huge number to save himself. I’m thinking the only way he’s going to save himself is if he single handedly wins the weigh in, because he’s on a team with a bunch of angry women who can’t eat chocolate or drink margaritas right now, so yeah—he’s screwed.
And with that we’re off to the first challenge, which is a pop challenge. A pop challenge usually means that one team has the opportunity to win an advantage over the other team at the weigh in. Alison is there to great us with her hanger sweater on…
The whole “fold your sweaters” concept is lost on our Ali
In this challenge, they teams are tied to each other and they have to untie themselves and make themselves across a little field to grab a key. What does this magic key represent? Well, it is the key to the gym. Only one team gets to use the gym this week. The other team? Gets dropped off in the middle of the Mall of America with fifty bucks and directions to the food court. Kidding! But that would have made for an interesting time at the scale, four hours from now. Since the Black team has an extra player, they have to sit someone out and they choose to sit out Arthur. Marci (Courtney’s Mom) tells us the Black team has to win this for Bob and Jillian. Yeah, I’m sure they really care where they torture you this week. And who doesn’t like a day outside of the office? Justin takes a minute to tells us he’s used to ropin’ things and has a bunch of merit badges. Okay. Aren’t you almost 40? Is there a Douche Scouts? Justin’s partner, Rulon tells us he’s worried if they don’t get access to the gym, they’d be outside where it could get cold and rain.
Inside every 400lb man, there is apparently a little whiny baby just dying to get out.
As soon as the clown music kicks in while they show the Black team just fumbling around their ropes, we know the Red team has this in the bag. They dominate the challenge with Webelo Justin leading (naturally) so the Red team has full access to the gym and the Black team gets dropped off the side of the highway with nothing but their water bottles and notes stuck to their sweaty t-shirts that say, “Please feed us Subway”. If only. Marci tells us she doesn’t want to even face Jillian now. C’mon Marci—Jillian never over-dramatizes anything and she’ll be Kool and the Gang.
Or she’ll rip your spleen out with her teeth
Meanwhile, the Red team enters the gym—all excited, calling it “Their House” and Home Perm Jr. (formerly called Austin, or Pom-Pon head) is all pumped up and yelling. It is a gym, folks. There aren’t even any cool flat screen TVs in there so, whatever. Brett and Cara wander around wondering what it would be like to have best-selling books and fake diet pills and fame and a contract. Back with the losing Black team, they meet up with Bob and Jillian and of course, those two aren’t happy about having to use the thousands of dollars worth of equipment that sits outside of the gym. Jillian tells us the match up between these two teams is like pairing the Care Bears with the NFL. Wow, how relevant. Why don’t you just say it is the Little Rascals versus the Capone family? Anyway, Arthur is trying to pump his team up by saying something like, “C’mon guys—these are the tools we’ll have at home!” Bob and Jillian hilariously both yell at him, “YOU’LL HAVE A GYM MEMBERSHIP!”.
Back at the gym, where they have every tool they could possibly need…
Plus an extry one
Cara is putting on her therapist hat and trying to talk to some of her more “troubled” team members. Jay tells her he is worried about he and Jennifer being the odd people out. He feels like his days are numbered and there is nothing he can do about it. An extremely valid concern. And not a damn thing she can do about unless she tries to disguise him at the elimination. She might be kind of desperate for a full time gig, so I wouldn’t put it past her. Meanwhile, Brett is yelling “Do it for Q!”. Um, really? The guy they couldn’t wait to get out of there? Moses says whenever things get tough for him, he just remembers the three Nitas.
Anita, You-Nita, We-Nita
Just kidding—I really didn’t catch all their names but they’re lovely and they are obviously his motivation. The Black team is working with bikes and Bob outside and Bob tells the group there is a weird energy (or lack thereof) among the group. He says there is no focus. Hannah starts in about them being the underdogs and Courtney gets pissed about that. It turns into a bit of a shouting match, but alas, no real claws come out. See? No margarita = No real drama. Jillian tells the group they are not an island (unless it was “Fantasy Island” and that would be so fun) and that they have to work together. Bob tells us his job is to refocus all of this negative energy. Hannah wants the other team they are not playing against little girls.
If those pink gloves don’t scare them, I don’t know what will
Now it is time for some Rulon/Cara “special moments together”. In other words, Cara is trying her Jillian-best to get Rulon to fess up to why he is not working as hard as he normally does and why he seems to want to quit. She rides his ass relentlessly trying to get some deep, dark secret out of him like how he was raised by wolves and had to eat his whole family to fit in or how he was picked on as a newborn or some shit. You know what his deal was? He was an athlete who got fat. My office is filled with them. Maybe not Olympic Gold Medalists (in case you forgot—that’s what Rulon was!!). So, he’s disappointed he let himself go. Earth shattering. More earth shattering?
You can work your ass off and still have a paunch
And now we get an unusual product placement storyline. The gorgeous pool that no one uses is sitting there innocently, glittering in the sun.
Pool: “Oh, happy day, birds are chirping…”
Then this happens
Pool: “Damn my eyes! They’re burning!”
Justin challenges Jennifer to a race to the end of the pool and the winner: Gets a Subway breakfast sandwich delivered in bed the next morning. Can you say—total time filler? After seeing Justin shirtless and talking about their food, I would think Subway would be a little pissed that image was used to sell their egg whites. But it doesn’t stop there…
Next we see Arthur in the kitchen with all of his female teammates surrounding him, all Shawshank style.
“I wish I could tell you Arthur fought the good fight and the Sisters let him be”—Red
Actually, Arthur’s acting like a complete dumbass and pretending he doesn’t know what to eat that is healthy. Steak? Chicken? Slurpee? His own urine? The girls are all like, “No, Arthur, eat fish!”. Well…let’s just end scene there. Arthur thinks all the women love him. Ah, delusion—alive and well at the ranch. On a more disturbing note:
If I had to see this, then so do you.
Jennifer delivers her product placement breakfast sandwich to Justin in bed, which is by far the least sexy thing I’ve ever seen on a reality TV show and I’ve seen The Bachelor. And moving on, we’re now ready for the challenge. Alison greets the teams at some random train tracks and tries to prove all shades of green match.
I choose clothes by thickness, not color. Why?
For the challenge, each team has to push the train car 800 feet, while answering six questions about food. Each question has one answer, represented by a bag of food they will then hurl off the train car.
Little Johnny Hernandez, before he was blindsided by a random flying bag of walnuts
The overall time, minus penalties for wrong answers wins the challenge. The winning team gets to pick a person from the opposing team whose weight loss at the weigh in will not be part of the overall team’s weight loss. Got it? Great. Black team goes first and chooses to sit out Deni this time. A sample of some of the questions: which food has the most calories? The most fiber? The most protein? Meanwhile, this is going on:
“Hey, you guys…”
More strategy on Arthur’s part. He knows there are bags of food being dropped out there. The Red team is up and there is immediately a lot of grunting. Moses tells us that their strength may actually work against them, since they lack endurance. In the end, the Black team came in at 2 minutes, 5 seconds and the Red team came in at 1 minute, 35 seconds. After the questions were graded, the Red team wins—even though they only got one of the questions correct. They will have to give their answer to whose weight won’t matter from the Black team at the beginning of this week’s weigh in. And before you know it, we’re at the last chance workout!
Cara is doing her best Jillian impression, but it doesn’t really work for me. Home Perm Jr is telling us about how much energy his team has.
We’re like those rabbits. But not with a battery stuck in our butts. Well, not me anyway.
Rulon tells us the Black team looks to him to be the leader. Jennifer tells us if they don’t win the weigh in, her Dad, Jay will “fall on the sword” and go home for her. I think falling on a real sword would be an excellent motivator. Brett is trying to have a breakthrough with Kaylee, who has gotten about 3.5 seconds of screen time this season. Brett: “Tell me one thing that hurts.” Kaylee: “Having a Dad named Moses”. Okay, she didn’t say that. She said some mumbo jumbo about not accepting herself. Brett: “How about a quickie? I’m hot.” Okay, he didn’t say that either, but damned these real conversations need to get better. She tells us she’s lived her life without much to show for it until now.
He could have been a notch in your lipstick case…
Sigh. Cara is back with Rulon, trying to get him to open up. He said he lost control. Cara (never having tried Jagermeister) says, “How does that happen?” He said everything around him was crumbling, but then he stepped away and found his ears.
Then I could literally hear myself getting fatter
Then his wife started wearing a bump-it and it just spiraled from there.
Seriously. That’s his story? No tragedy? C’mon, Rulon, make something up. Enjoying hot pizza is a lifestyle choice, not a turning point in your health.
Back with the Black team, Courtney is encouraging her team saying, “Even without treadmills, we’ve GOT this.” I am no fitness expert. Isn’t a treadmill just kind of moving pavement? I mean, it is like saying the escalator is broken so you can’t go upstairs. Did the Red team rip up the roads, all the fields, every flat surfaced that can be traveled on by the bottom of one’s feet? Jillian is concerned that Arthur couldn’t push the train and wants to have a little sit down with him.
You’re balls to the wall ground on this one, Artie
Jillian wants Arthur to push the truck around again. He struggled mightily with it the first time, but she wants to prove to him he now has the strength to do it. And she rudely parked in the handicapped spot and her wheel is booted, so good luck! Bob steers and with a dead voice says, “push”. Geez, Bob—there is a reason you don’t get more screen time. Arthur does much better this time and Courtney says she’s proud of him. And it is finally time for the final weigh in! Cara looks terrified their host will have a wardrobe malfunction. Holy cleavage!
I’m tired of just seeing moobs, so today, I’m bringing it!
First the Red team will weigh in and then they will announce who they picked on the Black team to be removed from the team’s total weight loss percentage. Jay is up first and yes, he still has that stupid 299 sharpied on his arm.
Take a shower, freak
He loses 9lbs. Jennifer is up next and she loses 7lbs. She is automatically worried, despite the impressive and steady weight losses, they are on the chopping block since they are not part of the Red team clique. Moses loses 7lbs and yes, I’ve waited all season to do this:
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses…still can’t see them.
Kaylee loses only 3lbs and Alison asks Brett how he thinks she did. He says he’s proud of her. Seemingly, he is the only one, because Justin immediately says he needs to turn it around. He loses 5lbs. hahahaha. Way to right that sinking ship! Cara jumps in with, he’s been like glue! What? Unyielding and sticky? Rulon is up next and he needs to lose 8lbs to hit 100lbs so far. He tries to squeeze out a few tear ounces and goes on and on about how he wants to get his life back. Rulon—so do we, so STFU and GET ON THE G-D SCALE! Oh my, this show is making me lose my heart and soul. He loses 11lbs and keeps talking about his weight being the most important thing to him, so I guess that’s a big ol’ “Screw You” to his wife and family. Home Perm Jr. (Austin) loses 10lbs and then Home Perm Sr (Ken) is up and says he has never been able to accomplish anything physical. Wow—can’t tackle stairs? How did baby Home Perm get conceived? Wait—scratch that. Alison asks HP Sr when the last time he was 200lbs. He responds, “When Home Perm Jr. was born.”
Way to take stairs away from your Dad.
Now it is time for the Red team to decide who from the Black team will not be part of the team’s total weigh in. Now, there could be a lot of strategy to this. Jesse, Arthur and Courtney are the biggest on the Black team, so they would be an obvious choice. Marci and Irene are two of the smallest so…and they choose Irene. *Facepalm* Really? She goes on the scale and loses 6lbs. Now it is time for the official weigh in of the Black team. They have to lose 52lbs as a team to beat the Red team. Deni is up first and she loses 5lbs which puts her below two hundred and into One-derland, which Sarah needlessly explains to us as anything with a “1” as the first number.
Don’t judge us by the shows we watch, girly-girl. We’re not morons.
Our little mentor Sarah gets up there and loses 4lbs. Olivia is up next and only loses 2lbs. Jillian says “I knew we were BLEEPed this week.” Once again, treadmills? Really people? Hannah is at 201lbs and she would like to join Deni in One-derland.
Shut up. We get it.
Hannah loses 7lbs. Marci loses 6lbs which is pretty good for her, but the team as a whole is really struggling to hit the magic 52 pounds. Courtney loses 7lbs and Jesse loses 8lbs, which is great for him. At this point, since we’re not irritated, Justin decides to pipe up and tell us everyone’s hair was standing on end. Really? Did you walk around and do an arm hair check??? Go curl up with your egg whites. And of course, it is now all about Arthur. He has to lose over 13lbs to secure the win for the Black team and he turns into the biggest (literally) drama queen up there. It is all about him and his Dad and his girls and yadda, yadda, yadda. He loses 20lbs and the Black team wins. Reactions?
Dang, guys…get a gym
“I’ll just put: I work well with people and look forward to working for this corporation.”
Geez, Brett. I have an idea. How about a “Dry Idea”?
So, the Red team is up for elimination. The only one safe is Ken (HP Sr.) since he had the largest amount of weight loss (percentage-wise) for the team. Before that happens, Obvious Ali has to point out that if they had chosen Arthur, they’d all be safe. Thanks for that! Justin tells us it is family first, so good-bye Jay or Jen. In the most boring elimination room of all time, it is quite obvious Jay is going home. Jay wants to challenge Rulon in who can win the most by the finale and in one year and then five and really, unless there’s money on the challenge, who cares? Jay is voted out and Jennifer is crying like crazy. The way things are going, she’ll probably see him next week, so take it easy there.
What is up with Jay now?
What’s on his arm now? “Fifty Bucks for new drapes”
He really hasn’t done that well at home—probably less than 20lbs (says me from the couch). They don’t tell us the exact poundage or I missed it but it doesn’t looks so good. They fly Jay and his wife out to see Doc Hollywood who tells him he’s healthier now. Yay for frequent flyer miles! Really. That was the whole purpose of that segment. So, that is it for this week. Rather boring and predictable, I think. Losing the gym is certainly not a big deal. I say take away their toilets and see what happens. Or something!
Until next week…thanks for joining me!