Biggest Loser Recap: We don’t need no stinking gym!

Thank you, President Obama, for shortening The Biggest Loser this week!  It was awesome to have all the crying and whining crammed into just one hour.

First, I bring you this awesome picture of Conda (Thanks, leenieva, for the correct spelling…and I agree that “Cunta” would be more accurate.)

Feel free to print it and then share your suggestions for fun ways to use it!

The show opens with Alison reminding us that the theme is “No Excuses” and that people have plenty of excuses for not using a gym: It’s too far, too expensive, not open when you need it, or like maybe if you were going to the gym and your car breaks down in front of Larry’s Donut World.  Actually, I would consider that sort of a sign from God, like when you put money in a vending machine and get two bags of Cheetos instead of one. But I digress. She tells them that the winners of this week’s challenge will have full access to the gym all week, while the losing team will have to figure out another way to get their workouts. Conda is already getting worked up about losing the challenge, noting that they might have to WALK and stuff.  Twit.

So…the challenge! A pretty lame construction zone/obstacle course has been created, and each team has to answer a series of nutrition questions placed under orange traffic cones that probably came from Bob’s personal collection. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)  Once they think they know the answer, they are to use a battering ram and break through the correct door. There are 5 doors, and behind the “wrong answer” doors is pit of sludgy-looking mud. Please, please let Conda get a wrong answer. At the finish line is a set of double doors, and the first team to break it down and get everyone through wins.

This would have been much more awesome if they’d had input from the set designers for Roadrunner cartoons.

Buddy is gone for this challenge because his wife is thoughtless enough to be giving birth, so the Black Team has to be fair and choose one of their members to sit out. Hmmm…who should sit out because they are completely worthless? I don’t know, how about GAIL? (Although it would have been awesome to see her flopping around in that mud) Anyway, the challenge starts…teams put
on some hard hats, pick up the battering rams and lift a cone to reveal the first question: Which common vegetable is a very good source of vitamin C: cauliflower or carrots? Wait, isn’t that sort of a trick question? Don’t you think they should have made the answer choices be something like “oranges or chilidogs?” Black Team gets it wrong, since it’s a trick question and all, which leaves them knee deep in the mud pit. Red Team gets it right somehow, allowing them get to the next trick question while Black Team struggles through the mud, carrying their 9,000 lb. battering ram. Get used to it, Black Team. Heh.

This would have been over a lot faster if they’d filled the pits with quicksand.

Next question: If you are using a tablespoon of oil to cook with, which of these oils is the worst for you, peanut oil, or vegetable oil?  Red Team gets it right…vegetable oil. Who knew? Black Team goes into the mud again for their wrong answer. Maybe that’s why they’re fat…they’ve been using peanut oil all this time.  Third question: What food builds the most muscle, chicken or fish? Both teams go for chicken, which is wrong because it’s obviously another trick question.  As
they trudge through the mud Jeremy exclaims, “We are the dumbest pieces of shit!”

Almost done…question number four: Which contains the most antioxidants, pinto beans or blackberries? Both teams agree that it’s blackberries, but it’s pinto beans…whaaaat? Seriously, who would know these answers? The Red Team is the first to uncover the final question: Which of
these foods contains the most protein: 4 hard boiled eggs or 1 cup of 1% lowfat cottage cheese? Both teams go for the eggs…Doyeee! More mud! And Red Team wins the challenge simply by not sucking as bad as the Black Team.

So now Mrs. Santa, who is on the losing team, is totally pissed, which is excellent. And because Santa’s happy that his team won she calls him a “sore winner” which sounded like “sore wiener” but I don’t want to dwell on it, because then I’d have to actually picture Santa’s wiener. You’re
right, Mrs. Santa…people who celebrate winning are total assholes and should be shot in the face. What a bitch.

They cut to Dolvett who has “snuck away” to Chicago to check on the Aqua Team, brother and sister Adrian and Daphne, who just have one more week to lose 50 lbs. in order to get back on the ranch. He finds them working out in the gym and they’re all surprised and excited to see him,
because I guess it wasn’t a big enough clue that the camera crews were already there filming them. Daphne is especially excited about seeing Dolvett and all his bulging hotness. Dolvett has
something for them (but not what Daphne’s hoping for)… it’s The Biggest Loser Slim Coach powered by MYTRAK! Since Billy Mays is dead, Dolvett has to tell them himself how it works. It’s a device that can be worn every day to track physical activity, and he points out that it will be just like having him with them all day. I’m betting that Daphne’s already got something in her nightstand drawer that fills that need. Before heading back to California he makes them sweat in the gym while they check their progress on The Biggest Loser Slim Coach devices. Call now, operators are standing by!

Back at the ranch we see Chris (Mrs. Santa) throwing a fit in her room. She wants the camera people to leave her the hell alone, and ends up storming off to the bathroom and slamming the door.  Santa comes in to talk to her…she’s hissing, “No cameras!” and in the background we can see a guy with a boom mike behind the bed, creeping up to the bathroom. Awesome.

She tells Santa she’s not coming out but he can come in. Santa joins her in the bathroom and we hear him (Thanks, sound guy!) trying to convince her that she can’t give up, to which she replies, “I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Here.”  I really hope she cleans that bedroom before she goes, because it’s a mess.

Wait…Mrs. Santa uses the F-word? And what the hell is that hanging on the door?

 Downstairs in the living room everyone is sitting around covered in heavy blankets. Is it
part of the contract that they can’t touch the thermostat?  Conda is laughing about the Mrs. Claus drama, saying that she’s just doing it for attention. I think Conda should consider becoming a grief counselor or something, because she’d be awesome.

                     This is why you read the fine print before signing a contract.

Bob shows up in a heavy jacket since he evidently knows the rule about the thermostat, and sits down to counsel Chris, who’s decided to come out of the bathroom. He listens to her sob about how she’s been invisible for her entire life, and she no longer has any walls to hide behind, blah blah blah.  Bob seriously looks like he just wants to stab her.

            I’ll bet she would fit in the trunk of my car.

 Day 3 – In the gym Dolvett tells Nancy to stand tall and stop leaning on the bars of the treadmill…she basically tells him to suck it. She says she’s exhausted and he replies, “Oh, if you’re exhausted why don’t we keep going…JOG!” He then cranks the machine up to turnpike speed limit. Jesus, Dolvett…have you forgotten that Nancy is about 85 years old?  Amazingly they don’t find her slumped over the treadmill as a result of her heart exploding.

And sudddenly it’s Day 5…thanks, State of the Union Address! In the gym Dolvett comes over to Conda who is doing some sort of a nursing home shuffle-step exercise and says, “I don’t even know what that is, Conda!” She mutters, “I fucking hate him.” You KNOW this is going to be good!  He cocks his head to one side and says, “What was that you just said?” Come on, Dolvett…beat the shit out of her!

                               You know Dolvett can read closed captioning, right?

Instead, he increases the incline on the machine, telling her she’s going to regret saying that. She interviews that she’s used to being the boss so it’s hard for her to sit back and have people tell her what to do. The boss of who?  She has friends?

Outside, in the non-gym, Bob is trying to get Gail to do something. Anything. He calls out, “ Gail if you stand around with your hands on your hips I’m going to break your arms.” He then tells us that she’s going to be the death of him this season by moving slowly and crying about everything. There’s an excellent shot of her trying to skip and it makes me wonder if she has sustained a head injury at some point in her life…something that would have affected the large motor skills she needs to perform complicated movements like walking and skipping.

Back to the gym where there’s lots of sweating and grunting noises as Dolvett says everyone is giving him all the intensity he’s been dying for…even Nancy, who’s still alive, is coming through. Oh, but wait. Can we guess who’s not doing shit? Dolvett says that Conda is distracting and disrupting the team, and we see her slowly crawling around on the floor…he tells her to stand up and she yells “NO!” Fight! Fight! He picks her up and throws her through the gym wall, where her body leaves an outline like in cartoons when someone runs through a wall.

I thought it would be a bigger hole.

 Okay, I made that up. Reality: he tells her to come with him as he walks toward the door. “I want to show you something!” he’s saying, almost sounding friendly. Turns out he wants her to see the door hitting her ass. He yells, “You can come back in my gym when you’re ready to be serious.” Yeah, Dolvett, that’ll happen.

                                                                   Slam it! Lock it!

Outside she’s crying and the producer tries to get her to talk but she’s not having any of it. She
whines that he pushes her buttons on purpose because he likes to make her upset. Dolvett forces himself to come outside where he makes her sit down so they can talk.

                                                             Do it, Dolvett. Just do it.

He says, “Do you think I want to help someone who rolls their eyes at me and has a smart comment for everything that I say?” He tells her that she doesn’t take her condition seriously. She whines that he’s making her feel useless, and that she can’t change overnight. Wait…she’s trying to change? Because I must have missed that part.  He then uses the line from every coach I’ve ever had: You gotta want it.  He says she needs to ask herself why she’s there and she says she doesn’t know.  WRONG ANSWER, dipshit. He points out that he can’t help somebody who doesn’t want help, adding that when she’s ready he’ll be inside. She goes back in and barely whispers out an apology. He makes her give him a hug…why, I don’t know.

Time for lots of exposed fleshy bits, otherwise known as Weigh-In!

  Why can’t they give these people robes…or maybe some nice cummerbunds to wear?

Thank god everyone has washed their hair, because I was really getting grossed
out. Even Nancy’s hair looks decent. Sort of.  Buddy runs in, all happy and smiling because it hasn’t occurred to him that in about 13 years that kid is going to make his life a living hell.

The Black Team weighs in first. Emily goes from 244 to 235 for a loss of 9 pounds. Chism is next, and drops from 332 to 320, for a loss of 12 pounds. Cassandra goes from 212 to 206, for a loss of 6 pounds. Jeremy goes from 358 to 347 for a loss of 11, and Gail goes from 302 to 297 for
a loss of 5. Bob says 5 pounds sucks for Gail…it’s not enough. She hugs and hugs him and starts crying…the look on Bob’s face is priceless. It’s as if an entire leper colony is pawing around on him.  Mrs. Santa is next and she goes from 222 to 215 for a loss of 7 pounds. Finally, Megan weighs in. She goes from 240 to 238 for a loss of only 2 pounds, which makes her start crying. Bob says he knows that Megan worked hard this week, and he’s pissed at the number. Come on Bob, you know that bitch Aunt Flo has probably come to see her. The Black Team has lost a total of 52 pounds, or 2.72%. The Red Team is going to need to have lost more than 49 pounds to win.

    Aunt Flo’s a bitch.

Buddy is first to weigh for Red Team. Despite being at home where pizza delivery is just a phone
call away, he goes from 363 to 353 for a loss of 10 pounds. Santa is next, and goes from 278 to 272, for a loss of 6 pounds. Kimmy goes from 203 to 197 also for a loss of 6, and Mark goes from 266 to 255 for a loss of 11. Kim goes from 230 to 220 for a loss of 10 pounds, and Nancy goes from 205 to 200, for a loss of 5 pounds. Dolvett is proud of Nancy, even though you just know she is right
below Conda on the list of people Dolvett would like to push down a flight of stairs.

Dear Santa, I think I’ve changed my mind about wanting you to bring me a mohair sweater.

So the Red Team has lost 48 pounds, and Conda still needs to weigh in. Will she lose at least 2
pounds so her team can win the weigh-in, or is her pillowcase full of empty Butterfingers wrappers? She goes from 275 to 265, for a loss of 10 pounds…whaaat? Bitch had to have gotten something cut off…they should check her for fresh scars. Dolvett goes crazy, and Bob rolls his eyes. The Red Team has lost a total of 58 pounds, or 3.19%. This means that the Black Team will have to send somebody home. Emily has the highest percentage of weight lost for the team, so she’s safe.

                                                                         Yay! Elimination!

The silver domed serving trays come out and, as always, I picture that scene in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, when Joan Crawford lifts the lid of the lunch Bette Davis has fixed for her, and there’s her pet parakeet nicely arranged on a bed of rice. Anyway, Megan weeps and votes for Gail. Chism votes for Chris, because she locked herself in the bathroom.  Cassandra cries and votes for Gail, Jeremy votes for Chris, also because of the bathroom.

                                                              Again no food. Bastards!

Chris votes for Gail and Gail votes for Chris, so now it’s all tied up. It comes down to Emily’s vote. She cries a lot and then lifts the lid to reveal…Gail’s parakeet!

I wish. Actually, it’s a vote for Gail, and I wonder if that’s Bob’s handwriting.

So, Gail goes home and we see a current video of her telling us that she’s now lost a total of 56 pounds. There’s a clip of Gail visiting her doctor who’s telling her that she has tendonitis in her hip and he wants to limit her activity. It looks like she starts crying, but she always looks like that, so I can’t tell.  Gail starts swimming a lot more because she is determined to get Bob’s approval. Ummm…Gail?  He hates you.  Sorry.

Next week the Aqua Team comes back to the Ranch and weighs in!  Yay!

Thanks for reading!