Biggest Loser–Red means stop and Green means Goat

We are back to the ranch for week 12?  11?  52?  Don’t know, don’t care—there’s just a boatload of people still on the ranch and they’re all getting pretty fit, so what do they do to shake things up?  Yep—switch teams around.  Or randomly set someone on fire.  But since this is NBC, they’ll be more conservative.  We get no elimination table hangover this time and Alison gathers the group, including trainers in the gym.  Everyone’s freaking out, especially Olivia who says something like, “OMG…Alison’s in the gym.  She’s NEVER in the gym.”

Listen missy, you have no idea what kind of hot body I have under these frumpy clothes

In the gym, there are four different colored circles—black, blue, red and green.  Not surprisingly, Cara looks confused.

Where am I?  What are the colors for?  How long does this season last?

Alison tells the group they are splitting into four teams.  There are 12 dumbbells with different colored bottoms and each color represents what team and trainer each player will have.  Everyone is freaking out and Bob, our resident Zenmaster tries to reassure everyone.  It’ll be okay.  Really.  Thanks, Bob!  Man, they’ve made these people so melodramatic, being holed up in the Ranch commune.  Sure, they’ll be physically fit, but also sniveling whineboxes by the time they get out of here.

Healthy?  No.  Mentally stable?  Absolutely.

The person who had the highest percentage of weight loss last week gets to pick first and that person is Justin.  He picks Red, which puts him with Brett and that makes him happy.  Next up is Jen and she also picks Red and she’s absolutely thrilled to be with Brett too!

Or, notsomuch

Geez, Jen—even unknown, not-wealthy trainers have feelings too.  If they can afford them.  Moses is up next and he wants to be with Cara because he wants to box.  He picks Blue, which is Bob and the furthest thing from boxing there is.  Unless it is boxing with your feelings and your inner demons.  Bob is like the Rocky Balboa of that kind of fighting.  Everyone laughs because Bob is always with the Tongans or the Samoans and I guess I need to research more what the differences/similarities are between the two.  Anyway—Austin is up next and he picks Green, which is Cara.  Irene (I know!  She’s still here!) picks Blue, which is Bob.  Rulon is the first person to pick Black, which is Jillian and she immediately gets all excited and says, “I’m going to beat the f**k out of you.”  Olivia is next and she picks Bob/Blue.  Hannah doesn’t want to be separated from her sister, but picks Jillian/Black and immediately says something I had to quote, because I thought it was funny.  Regarding Jillian as her trainer, Hannah:  “Thank you, God, for giving me Jillian, but I will be joining you shortly.”  I thought that was amusing.  Especially since there’s no real proof anyone really died under Jillian’s training, is there?  I mean those people just disappeared, right?  She’d never do anything like that, right?  With her own hands that is.

Hey, Jill…By the way, I took care of that thing for ya

Ken picks Green which puts him with Austin, his son and Confused Cara.  Courtney is up next and she really wanted Black, but gets Red, which is Brett.  Kaylee is the last one and she really wants to stay with Cara and that is who she gets.  So, Jillian is down by one player and the knot is already forming in my stomach before Alison announces there will be another player joining them at the ranch.

Because there aren’t enough of them here

So, yeah.  They’re bringing someone back.  And it is up to the Black team (Rulon and Hannah) to decide who that person is.  Jillian likes this twist but Hannah really doesn’t want the responsibility.  Alison dismisses the teams.  As Rulon, Hannah and Jillian all get together to talk about who they should bring back, the rest of the teams hang out with Bob and talk about who they want back.  Arthur is the obvious choice, because he still needs to be there, but the Bob-group really want Jay back, because he worked so hard and it was Arthur’s bad game choices that sent him packing.  With the Black team, Hannah expresses she wants Arthur to be there because he needs it.  I’m going to stop right there and implore everyone who knows me to never say I need to be on the BL ranch.  Lie to me.  Tell me I’m big boned, but please, please, don’t ever say I have to be there.  Rulon is obviously still pissed at Arthur and says “You make your bed and you lie in it.”  Which I actually thought you made your bed after you lie in it, but I didn’t invent the saying.  Obviously.  Mine would have been:  “If you mess up your bed, then fix the covers, please.”  Not as catchy, but I’ll keep refining it.  Back to Rulon, he wants determination and dedication, so he wants Jay.  Then they ask Jillian who she wants.  HAHA—like she should have a say?  She thinks Arthur, but he’s trouble during challenges.  Um, Jill?  He’s still like 600lbs or something.  That’s a big dude trying to dig up ropes and run behind trains and stuff.  Jillian thinks Jay, but is he too much of a contender?  She lays it out there for the other two to think about:  Bring back Arthur, who has bad blood with the rest of the group and sucks at challenges, but needs to be there or Jay, who kind of kicks ass and could win the whole thing?  We won’t know who they decide until the challenge…

Pick me!  Pick me!

We now join Bob’s Blue Crew at a place called “Crunch”, which is sadly not a tortilla factory.   It is the place he’s taught spinning since 1997.  There is a whole room full of regular class attendees and Olivia feels weird because everyone else is in shape.

What you can’t see here are the regulars laughing their fit asses off

Moses has never really been spinning, so he’s struggling and feels like he could drop.  Bob gets the whole room cheering for Moses to get through it.  I’m so glad my gym is not like that.  Let’s just continue to not make eye contact, especially in the locker room, okay?  Moses thinks cardio is the toughest thing for him and he thinks there is no one better at it than Bob.

And on to more exciting things, like Jillian’s own personal beach house!  Dang…there is a lot of money in celebrity trainers.  Jillian greets Rulon and Hannah and tells them to relax.  Hannah tells us the place is very peaceful and the Zen word comes out again.  Jillian doesn’t bother with a tour and drags them outside to her balcony.  This is where normal people would grab wine glasses or pop a beer with their guests, but not our Jillian.  She makes them exercise on her balcony, by jumping straight up on her bench.  Tell me her neighbors don’t hate her fit ass.  You know they throw cigarette butts and beer tabs at her.  Who the hell wastes a perfectly awesome balcony and view for this?

Another undeserving rich person

They kickbox and stuff and then this happens:

Crazy springbreakers.

Jillian dismisses Hannah, rather rudely, like:  See that speck 15 miles down the beach?  Why don’t you, oh I don’t know—run to it.  Jillian really wants time alone with Rulon.  They get into a conversation about his wife, who he doesn’t think he deserves.  Intimacy is an issue and Jillian tells them he needs to start feeling worthy of her.  His wife, not Jillian.  She so obviously gets paid enough for this.  Thankfully, they don’t dwell on the “intimacy” issues because, no thank you.  You know who shouldn’t feel worthy right now?

“Yeah, just keep going.  Yeah, you’re good.  Whatever.  Nope, just a little farther”

The Red team (Brett with Jen, Justin and Courtney) are hiking.  Brett says, “Let’s get the bonding going right now!”.  HAHA—bonding is based on time, trust and loyalty—often occurring after a trial or hardship.  Okay, I just made all that BS up, but I don’t really think they’re going to bond over a hike.  Unless a bear attacks and then they have to survive by sacrificing the weakest.  That is the kind of bonding I want.

Bond.  Maul Bond.

Courtney is all happy to be outside of the ranch and enjoying the weather.  Brett wants them to stop and think about their individual strengths and to reflect.  Hey, Brett?  Reflection and deep thinking is great and all that, but it ain’t exactly melting the cottage cheese off the thighs.  I’ve tried it.  Courtney feels like she’s almost out of the hole she’s dug herself in, both physically and mentally.  Jen feels energized and strong.  Justin feels relieved.

Seriously, is he urinating?

Kidding!  Justin feels like a better person and satisfied and ground and…

Uncontrollably weepy

Brett tells his newly bonded group (re:  Justin), this is a big step for a big man.  Cara and her Green team, comprised of Kaylee, Austin and Ken are…guess where?  Yep!   A boxing club.  This week Kaylee is under the microscope (Furnished by Subway…”be observed fresh”) because she gained 2 pounds last week.  Kaylee spends a lot of time telling us how excited she is about boxing.

She’s damn near trembling from excitement

Cara has been training Austin since day one and instead of her fighting him in the ring, she’s going to give him an actual opponent.

Some spacey chick gave me fifty bucks to come in here and wail on some fat dude

Austin did pretty good in the ol’ boxing ring and Cara tells him she just wanted to show was in him.  Alrighty, then.  And hey kids, it is challenge time!  This one is much easier to explain.  Each group has to hold a big heavy box that represents the weight they’ve already lost, way high in the air.  The team that can hold it up the longest, without it crashing into the water, wins.  This challenge would be hilarious in the 2^nd week.  They’d be holding 12lbs for 18 hours until they finally collapse from sleep deprivation.  At least they would now how we feel when watching these super-sized seasons.  But, before we get going…Rulon and Hannah reveal who they’ve chosen to return to the ranch and the winner is…

It’s either him or an expensive hologram

We all know BL won’t pay for special effects, so yay for Jay.  Man, Arthur really ticked these people off.  Jay is a heck of a competitor who really could win this whole thing.  Jay has been gone from the ranch for five weeks and he’s lost a total of 111lbs since he started his journey.  Another horribly overused word.  He was weighed in earlier (that’s how they knew about the 111lbs) and he is immune from being voted off tonight.  Which once again, BL has missed the opportunity to be hilarious.  Why not let him get voted off after being there another day or two?  Oh, I get it—plane tickets are expensive these days.  Anyway, Jen’s all happy to see him and let’s get to it.  The winning team on this challenge gets a video chat with their family/friends/parole officer.  Moses immediately tells us how badly he wants to talk to his wife and little daughter.  I think if just once, one of these contestants would say, “I don’t really have anybody I want to touch base with.  They’re all shitty to me which is why I cried over burritos and ice cream for the past 10 years and ended up at this glorified fat farm, so f**k your Skpe-asses.”  Before we start, let’s check in with Alison, shall we?

TJ Maxx sells the matching scarves and hats—they’re even attached by a plastic thingy.  Geez—do we have to tell you everything?

So they start and after 10 minutes of holding their arms above their heads, keeping an enormous weight coming down, they’re all bitching about soreness and burning.

Please keep your “burning” stories in your pants…

Green team is doing the worst and they choose to drop.  Rulon, Hannah and Jay are out next.  It is now neck and neck between the red and blue team.  Justin keeps telling us, “No one is going to give up between these two teams, that’s for sure.”  Then they have to switch to one hand and guess who gives up?  Yep, Justin.  He goes on to “coach” the girls, Courtney and Jen and sure enough…they win it!  Yay, girl power or whatever.  Just for the record, Moses dropped out before the girls on his team too!  Hmm.

Next thing you know, the Red team is in the ranch telling the Green team that they are giving up their prize.  See, Courtney was just separated from Marci, so she’s all good.  Jennifer just got her Dad back, so she’s doing fine.  Justin?  His wife:  “No, I’m not mad.  Really.  I’m fine.  Really.”

I hope his newly toned body fits well in the doghouse.  Olivia is overwhelmed by their generosity and says it is the most selfless thing she’s ever seen.  Didn’t someone give away their car last season?  Maybe to Patrick?  I don’t remember, exactly.  Wait—Ada gave up a new car to Patrick.  Yep, that’s right.  Olivia?  Video chat is not the most selfless thing.  Irene just keeps going “What?, what?”  Irene proves again why she will never be considered for a fan favorite.  I barely remember she’s there.  And at first, I thought the producers forgot she was there too, because we don’t see one second of her video chat.  Then I remembered she started at the ranch with her Mom, Ana and maybe they won’t show Ana now because she’s a contestant for the at home prize.  Or maybe she was out doing shots with Justin’s wife.  Who the hell knows?  Anyway, we get to see Olivia with her husband, who looks very similar to James Carville.

Do their dogs climb up their walls to eat?

I’m confused, but they seem like a cute couple and I like Olivia about 100 times more than her sister, so good for them.  Moses is on the chat with his frighteningly banged (hair, not otherwise) wife and other silent daughter.  Seriously, the little girl doesn’t say two words.  She makes Kaylee seem like a chatterbox.

And how’s my vivacious, gregarious, class clown daughter doing on the ranch

F-ing High-larious

Moses scares me by saying he misses his family so much (screw you, silent Kaylee!) and he might want to go home.  Noooooo!  His wife tells him not to.  She doesn’t want him there yet.  Good God, woman, knock it off with the porn and closet drinking and let your man come home.  But, she’s just being supportive because she’s a) nice and married to Moses who is nice and b) not me, who would be racking up the credit cards and praying to God I win the lottery before the hubby gets back.  Anyway, Mrs. Moses talks him off the ledge and he decides to stay.  Crisis averted!

And it is now time for the last chance workout.  Bob and Jillian are playing tug of war with Rulon.  Cara is boxing with Kaylee. Austin is running.

Noooo….I don’t want to box that meth head dude!

Kaylee is talking with Cara how there isn’t much more for her here.  She’s close to her goal weight and she is happy now.  Whatever happens, happens.  And guess what?  Cara looks confused.

I see her lips moving, but I really don’t know what she’s saying.

It is time for the weigh in!  Let’s check in with Alison:

No pleather couches were harmed in the making of this outfit

Jay has immunity, so we don’t care about his weight loss..Oh, okay—he lost 7lbs.

Alison’s wardrobe or Olivia’s hairstyles, which are more disturbing?  Discuss.

On to the important stuff.  Black team first:  Hannah loses 4lbs and Rulon loses 5lbs.  Cara has a smirk on her face as if she could have done better.

Bitch, please.  Why don’t you try and find your way back to your room?

Blue team is up next and they have to lose more than 11lbs to be safe.  Moses loses 3lbs.  Bob:  Next week will be a good week.  Thanks, Bob!  (side note:  he says that every week, right?).  Irene of the no-chat is up next and she loses 5lbs.  Olivia loses 5lbs and just like that, the Blue Team is safe.  She yammers on about hitting a wall.  And then breaking that wall.  Mrs. Olivia, Tear Down That Wall!  Okay, Red team is up next and holy mammories,

Who knew she was hiding such a chest?

Dang, girl…She loses 4lbs.  Courtney gets up there and in case you’ve recently passed out and forgotten, we are reminded once again her goal is to lose two more pounds to hit her personal goal of 200lbs since she started her weight loss (say it with me): JOURNEY!

Overplayed on this show more than their songs in the 80’s

Courtney loses 3lbs and goal accomplished!  Way to go, Cover Girl!  Justin has to lose 4lbs to keep the Red team safe and loses only 2lbs.  And now, the Red team is in danger.  Brett gets all Jillian on us by mimicking her word for word:  “Let’s see how the night plays out.”  Which is double speak for, “Yeah, it sucked, but it could get better and it could get worse, so meh.”  Thanks, Brett!  Black team is officially safe.  Last up is the Green team, which includes Kaylee, Austin and Ken.  If you’ve been paying attention, you know the Green team is going to throw it so Kaylee can go home and save someone else who actually wants to be there and feels like they need to be there.  It has been foreshadowed over the last 45 minutes of the show.  So, Kaylee goes first and she loses absolutely nothing.  She is smiling and saying her journey is finished.  She just wants to go home.  Austin is up next and he loses just 3lbs.  Yep, this is going swimmingly.  To keep the Green team safe, they have to lose 6lbs and Ken’s the last one up.  And he loses 7lbs.  HAHAHAHAHA…They can’t even throw a challenge!  Now the Red team is screwed (Red team:  Justin, Courtney and Jen).  Man, I hate to lose 7lbs when I’m not even trying.  Oh, wait.  Ken is up on the scale stammering away and Alison asks him, “So, did you know about the plan?”  Like, dumbass—admit you didn’t because you look really stupid right now.  I have to say, Alison looks absolutely pissed about this turn of events even though it has absolutely zero to do with her personally.  Alison starts bitching at Kaylee, “This is not a prison…you can leave if you want to leave.”  She gets all “One Life to Live” or whatever soap she is on and it is funny as hell.  Moses goes to talk to Kaylee and apparently convinces her to stay.  Why?  Because even if she leaves, they’re still voting someone out, so why give up free room and board (and tasteless health food) for no reason?  Alison is trying to reel it back in and the best part of all of this?

“Um..my wife has never…gulp…um…seen me below…uh, this weight…um before.”

HAHAHA—that was the most awkward weigh in ever.  And awesome.  Then to top it off, Alison says Jen is safe so it’s down to Courtney and Justin.  Skinny Ken says, “Sorry, Justin”.  Wow—that was great.  I absolutely love it when game play screws with these people.  Whatever happened to “all those thousands of people who would love to be here, getting the attention and training they’re getting…”.  Am I wrong?  This season has been filled with stupid decisions on trying decide their own fates and “saving” others and sacrificing themselves….I’m sick of it!  Just lose the damn weight.

Back at the ranch, Justin opens with his argument that there should be no argument—-Courtney needs to stay and he needs to go.  Now, I’ve given Justin a hard time on this show, but he’s so absolutely sincere in this, I have to give him a lot of credit.  No one really wants Justin to go either.  Everyone tells us these two are the most liked on the ranch (I’m guessing Ken is least liked right now???).  Hannah becomes an even bigger target for me when she says, “Justin gave 150%”.

Hey, volleyball champ—why don’t we JOURNEY together to math class and learn percentages again

So, the elimination room becomes a big eulogy for the living.  Courtney gets one vote (from Justin’s partner, Rulon) and the rest are for Justin and through tears, everyone talks about how much they love him.  Ken even thanks him for helping his son become a man, which cracks me up again.  Ken?  My new favorite player.  So…Justin is gone and just like we thought, he became a motivator.  He actually looks pretty good—a lot less greasy than he did on the ranch (soft water problems?) and he’s lost a bunch of weight.  He motivates people with an early morning workout and t-shirts.

Thankfully, not this one.

So, that’s it for this week.  Next week, they’ve threatened us with bringing more people back, so we’ve got that going for us.  Sigh.  Thanks once again for joining me!