Biggest Loser–Revealzzzzz…

OMG— My palms are sweaty and my heart is palpitating, I’m so excited.  But enough about that—Let’s talk about Biggest Loser.  This is the week the mystery trainers are revealed.  And we care exactly this much:

And Leboe, I am very sorry to say they are not J-Lo and Mark Anthony, but LOL, that would have been hilarious.  The female silhouette turns out to be a lovely lady by the name of Cara Castronuova, who is a 2 time NYC Gold Glove boxer.  Nice.

She’s like a Jillian Mini-Me

Next up is Brett Hoebel who used to be a fat kid.  Oooookay….Oh and he’s a fitness trainer, motivator and martial artist.  He’s also pre-Med.  Question:  Can anyone just call themselves a motivator?  Can I call my self a motivator?  Can I motivate people to do the right thing by me doing the wrong thing in front of them?  Isn’t that technically motivation?  Moving on, here is Brett:

I am now motivated not to wear stupid necklaces.  Thanks, Brett!

Basically, these two have been on a job interview for the past two weeks as the possible replacements for Jillian (most definitely) and Bob (very likely).  Last week their team (Team Genius) did not fare as well as Team Ranch, so we get to spend a little time seeing some of the contestants we have so far spent very little time with and about which we know virtually nothing.  So we get to see clips of them in the boxing ring and in the scary 70’s basement with the wood paneling.  We see clips of Q on the scale getting yelled at by Rulon (the former Olympian) and his partner Justin who seems kind of like a jerk, because Q only lost 5lbs that week.  Q tries to explain he is looking for a light switch.  Justin:

Forget the atmosphere—you need to lose weight

Um…that’s not really what I meant…

Okay, it didn’t go exactly like that.  Back at the ranch and the people we know better, Alison, product placing Morton Salt, has led Team Ranch out into a field.

Sodium totally gets a bad rep on the ranch

All of the Ranch folks stand around and watch a bunch of FBI type vans come pulling up, carrying Team Genius.  Ali explains the challenge:  each team is separated by a flimsy cloth and they have to balance an egg on the bottom of a frying pan.  If the challenges start becoming 3 legged races or the sack race, I’m outta here.  Really?  What does this challenge have to do with fitness and/or strength?  Drop the egg and you’re out.  The winner from each team will have dinner prepared for them by hot Aussie Curtis Stone and there will be a challenge at that dinner where one of the two dining with Curtis can win a 2lb advantage.  Whew.  Okay, maybe the egg on a frying pan challenge is easier for me to take.  Team Genius decides a strategy to pick one person from their team to win the challenge and the rest will purposely lose.  Why?  We don’t really know.  Apparently they feel like a woman named Denise needs to win it.  So, instead of the rest of them just dropping their eggs on the ground, they decide to hurl them over the cloth at the other team like a bunch of a-holes.

Eggstra immature

Team Ranch decides to take the challenge seriously and Marci (Courtney’s Mom) from Team Aqua wins it, so it will be her and Denise eating with Curtis Stone.  Back at the non-facility, Doc Hollywood pays a visit to deliver his awesome news to some of Team Genius’ members.  Q is the first victim and the doc tells him although he is 27 years old, his real body age is 51.  Q goes on about how he needs to get healthy again for his son.

And because they’re touring in Summer of 2012

Rulon and his friend Justin are up next.  Rulon explains that along with his Gold Medals, he has survived a plane wreck and a snowmobile accident.  Rulon—ever thought about taking a train?  Justin pipes in and says he is pre-diabetes and technically, aren’t we all?  Justin is only 39 years old but inside he is 59.  He actually looks 59, but wisely, Doc Hollywood doesn’t mention that.  Methinks Justin can be kind of a jerk.  Austin, the 20 year old and his Dad are up next.  Austin learns he is actually 44 years old in body.  What is this machine and can I get one?  I want to know how old my lady parts are.  And my ankles.  The Pink team comes in and Sarah, the daughter, learns she has the highest body fat of all the contestants—58%.  I once had 58% body fat.  His name was Ken and I dumped his ass.  Last in is the gray team, which is Moses and his daughter, Kaylee.  Okay, the magic body age machine just became ridiculous as Doc Hollywood tells Moses he can pinpoint the DAY Moses will die if he doesn’t change.  Who believes this, really?  And what good does it do?

Doc, horoscopes are different now.  Please try it again.

And we’re still with Team Genius.  I can’t believe I’m actually missing the ranch at this point.  Brett, our trainer/motivator is yelling and beating up everybody and calling them “brother”.  He tells us it is all about comebacks this week.  Where did they go that they need to come back from, you might ask?  Well, Q had the worst weigh in last week and Austin didn’t do as well as he should, so Brett expects double digits from both of them.  Rulon tells us he and his friend Justin are not here just to change their lives but to change the world.

Rulon, the world just called and they’re watching American Idol

Back at the ranch (thank goodness), Jillian decides to take the twins for a hike.  Well…hike is kind of a stretch.  Bob is working with the others in the gym and Courtney suddenly becomes the narrator on what everyone is doing.  Jennifer (Green Team) tells us she has been overweight since she was five and realized early on the best photos of her were cleavage forward.  Okay, she didn’t say that exactly, but…

I can relate.  I have this really nice “back of head” photo advantage myself

Bob spends some time with the bad hair sisters (Purple team) and Hannah reveals she used to be an athlete.  Then she had an accident and couldn’t be an athlete and she got fat and hates herself.  Bob:  “Find new dreams”.  He’s like a fortune cookie in a tight t-shirt.

All the wisdom and none of the cookie dust

Jillian spends time talking to the twins on their “hike” with much of the focus on Dan and the tragedy of losing his 24 year old son, six years ago.  We won’t dwell on this encounter—it was incredibly sad and I agree with Jillian when she said that Dan is not healing.  He needs maybe something more or different than a reality show.  Let’s move on.  Now we’re at the Four Seasons Hotel with the winners of the incredibly difficult egg challenge (yawn) and Curtis Stone.  He will cook them a lunch and after they’ve eaten, they have to guess the total amount of calories.  The person who guesses closest gets a 2lb advantage.  He roasts some squash and makes a salad and some fish.  Fried bologna would have been hysterical.  They eat, they guess, Marci wins.  In between all that, Marci keeps talking about how hot Curtis is.

All I smell is roasted squash and middle aged female desperation

And it is time for the challenge!  Once again, this is only for Team Ranch since Team Genius still has immunity.  Alison explains, in her ridiculous Russian immigrant circa 1910 outfit, the challenge to the group.

Anatevka, Anatevka…

And here is what they have to do:  Fill these tubs with water, drag them to team color coded tubs and dump them in.  Each filled tub would weigh about 100lbs.  So basically, the teams are eliminating other teams until one tub is standing.  The last person standing is the sole vote at the elimination table.  To make this even more boring, they all decide ahead of time to let Irene win the challenge.  She is the only one without a partner, so they all want her to be the one person to vote.  Lots of splashing and sweating later, Irene wins.

After that on-the-edge-of-our-seat challenge, we’re back at the ranch where Bob and Jillian head into the house to find out about the challenge.  They all explain they let Irene win so she could be the sole vote.  Jennifer goes so far as saying they have a plan.  Now we all know that Bob and Jillian HATE it when their players have minds of their own and choose their own fate so they let them have it.  The group has basically decided, by couple, who would go home if they fall below the yellow line.  B and J are complete jerks about and keep saying they all need to be here, but you know what BJ?  They can’t all be here.  Someone is going home (finally).  So, why not let them strategize a little bit, you control freaks?  I don’t have a problem with what they’re doing at all, even though it makes for pretty uninteresting viewing.

You do realize someone has to go home, right?  It is not a cult, for goodness’ sake…Or. Is. It???

At the last chance workout, Bob is yelling out “One person is going home”.  Hey, thanks for reading the rules!  Dan tells him and us he can do this at home and he really misses his little girl.  This will be important later.  Jill is working with the girls and yelling, “I ask how long you can go and you answer ALL DAY LONG” and Bob is yelling at the guys (on steps), “Up and Down.  Up and Down.”  And I suddenly realize this is turning into the worst porno ever.  Irene (the lone vote) looks way too happy at the last chance workout.  I hope she realizes if she falls below the yellow line, then she leaves.  Jillian decides to take a thigh stroll.

I’d pay 50 Yankee dollars for one of them to drop her.  Just once.

Arthur tells us, without any further explanation, he’s been in the pool all week and unable to make it to the gym more than twice.  Did we miss an injury?  He’s back in the gym, running a 5 on the treadmill, making Dad Jesse all proud and then he vomits.  Bob, Jillian and Jesse all laugh at him.  The pool now makes more sense.

The Little Mermaid

It is time for the weigh in and first we see just clips of Team Genius’ weigh in.  Justin is yelling at Austin again.  And I get the feeling I’m not going to care for him much.  Q, who lost so little weight last week, loses 19lbs this week, so good for him.  Moses has lost 53lbs in 3 weeks.  Okay, great.  That’s all we see.  On with the people we know:  Marci and Courtney are the first on the scale and they have the 2lb advantage Marci won at the challenge.  The do a pretty bad job, losing a total of 13 actual pounds and my girl Courtney is extremely disappointed to have lost only 6lbs.  Bob helpfully jumps in with , “Well, she’s a big girl.”

Do you ever just STFU?

Irene is up next and she lost a total of 8lbs, so she is also automatically safe.  We also discover why she gets almost zero screen time.  She tells us since she doesn’t have a partner, she’d have to lose enough to stay.  Otherwise she’d be going home.  Alrighty then…thanks for clearing that up.  Up next is the Green Team, Dad Jay and daughter, Jennifer.  Jay very stupidly wrote 349lbs real big on his arm, as that was his goal weight for this week.  Bob and Jillian (and the rest of us watching) think that is a little silly.  He falls one pound short of his homemade tat goal and we all know that ink probably weighed the pound he needed to lose.  They lose 22lbs as a team and are safe.

What you can’t see is “Dumbass” written real big on his back

Arthur and Jesse of the blue team is up next and Arthur immediately starts in his big talk of even though he wasn’t in the gym, he was all Michael Phelps.

With the munchies, not in the pool.

Bob who has a serious love affair with the camera this year is all in his face about Arthur can not leave because he will die.  Once again the fear of snipers outside is alive and well.  Jesse doesn’t even get to celebrate his 9lb weight loss, because this is the Arthur show.  The Purple (bad hair) team is up next and they lose 12lbs and are safe.  Last up are the twins.  The grossest part of this whole show is when their teammates all go, “C’mon Double D”.  Really?  That’s their nickname.  That’s the last thing they should be saying out loud.  And I’m just talking about the guys, here.  They have to lose more than 9lbs to be safe and they each GAINED 9lbs.  HAHAHA

The 1919 Black Sox were less obvious

Bob and Jillian go crazy with Bob saying he is absolutely offended.  Dan is up there just kind of smiling and he is the worst liar ever.  He is trying to tell them they didn’t throw it at all and there is not a person in the world who would believe it.  I mean, I can see wanting to throw it to go home on purpose or to save another team or whatever, but 9lbs, guys?  I’m sure they wanted to be positive, but that is pretty hilarious.  And then to deny it.  Bob and Jillian can barely hug them they’re so mad and that kind of cracks me up too.  Why are they so mad?  One of them (can’t remember which) is ticked off because SO many people wanted to be there and they just threw it away.  I can kind of understand that, but how many of those people might have done the exact same thing?  Is there no more free will, especially in reality shows?  They take it so personally.  I guess because no one could possibly succeed without them.  At least he wasn’t throwing it for “game play”.

Off to the elimination table, where Princess Alison reigns.

Fresh off her first viewing of “Tangled”, Aly sports a lovely tiara/headband.

Courtney pipes up saying she doesn’t know for sure if the twins threw the weigh in, but overall she’s cool with it.  Basically—she’s safe so what does she care?  Okay, thanks!  Irene sends Dan home.  He’s the one who tragically lost his son and is unbelievably homesick for his little girl, but I have to tell you—I still didn’t know which one that was until he got up to leave.  They could totally pull a “Parent Trap” on this show which although that would be interesting, it would also be useless.  Just saying—that’s how freakin’ identical they are.

I’m going to go home and break up Dad’s wedding plans immediately!

Dan voices over he did this not only for himself, but he was convinced he could do it at home and Arthur really needs to stay there.  How could anyone really be mad at that?  His home pictures/videos show he lost 72lbs and he’s happy as a butt-looking head can be.  So, way to go Dan.  Or Don… Just kidding—I know it is Dan.
Next week—are two from Team Ranch heading to Team Genius…exciting…maybe…hopefully…Until then, thanks for reading!