Biggest Loser–State of the Confusion

So Biggest Loser was only an hour long this week!  Couldn’t you get so used to that?

Man, I love this country

The show starts immediately after last week’s shocking weigh in of bad hair creepy mustached twins who each gained 9lbs.  The team is back in their house and they immediately gets into Don’s face.  I’m going to say right here that I feel sorry for Don.  Yes, I’m sure it was stupid over-the-top game play, but he’s the poor sucker left behind to deal with the wrath.  I really hope Jillian took a quick midnight trip to Dan’s comfy home and terrorized him in the middle of the night.  Can you imagine?  He’s in the fetal position with his PJ’s on (no blanket, because he’s still pretty large), loudly snoring (see:  “still pretty large”) and then all of a sudden a huge flashlight lights up his crack hair and face and his eyes fly open to see Jillian standing over his bed with a running chainsaw screaming, “DON’T LIE TO ME!”   Since that probably didn’t happen, Don’s the one getting trounced on the ranch.  Marci is especially tough on him, saying there are a lot of people in America who wanted to be there.  Don stutters and tries to explain he did nothing wrong and he doesn’t understand how they could each gain exactly nine pounds.  He even says it is not like they each swallowed a 9lb ham.

I’m sure you didn’t but thanks for the visual.  Blech…

The next day the teams meet Alison in the gym.  She reminds them and us what we all know—how some of them chose their trainers when they got here, etc. I’m going to start calling her AliAliAli because she repeats everything ALL the time.  Today’s challenge is a temptation challenge.  Whoever eats the most calories gets to pick one team from Team Ranch to go join Team Genius for a week.  There is no immunity for that team.  They do have to come back and weigh in with everyone else.  The temptation challenge includes everyone’s favorite food.  AliAliAli opens a big vault-like door (was that always in the gym?) and reveals rows and rows and rows of each of their favorite foods.

Because it is not Biggest Loser if they don’t completely over the top

Seriously?  Why 800 of each item?  What a huge waste.  And how is any of that food remotely hot any more?  A real temptation is a hot pizza fresh out of the oven.  A cold beer right out of the cooler.  A shiny new crack pipe.…You get the idea.  What do they do with the food after the challenge?  Do Bob and Jillian sneak in and gorge?  Can you imagine the teams coming in the gym later, “Why does it smell like vomit and desperation in here?”.  On to the challenge.  After AliAliAli announces what the challenge is, Jesse just starts laughing.  He knows he’s screwed with Arthur.  Arthur’s already moaning and groaning about pizza—his favorite food.  He tells us he had one delivered every night at 8:30pm for a year.  He didn’t even need to call anymore—they just showed up.  Did the man never leave his house at night?  In 365 straight days?

The ribs are 2012, not well…you know.. pervs…

Don’s favorite is chocolate cake; Jennifer—Mac and cheese and Olivia’s is monkey bread.  AliAliAli didn’t know what monkey bread is and my fat butt and I just laughed at her.  Stupid AliAliAli—you may be a famous pretty thin person who has a bad stylist, but I know what monkey bread is.  So there.  Hannah’s favorite is cheesecake.  She hilariously admits she’s eaten it out of the garbage before.

Still single, huh?

Seriously, what a travesty.  Who throws away cheesecake?  Since Irene (who?) and Don are singles, they get paired up for the challenge.  Marci and Courtney start us off and they have to spend 3 minutes in the closet.  I hope it is not the same “Three minutes in the closet” I knew growing up because I’d have to gouge my own eyes out.  They stand there and look at the food and don’t eat anything.  Riveting.  The food is starting to look disgusting—you know it has been sitting there a while.  Kind of like how the winning pies look the second week of the State Fair.  Jay and Jennifer don’t eat either. Olivia and Hannah are next.  They hold hands and tell us none of the food looks like hot guys, so they’re not going to eat either.  Finally!   A mission I can get behind.  They want to lose weight to score dudes.  Love it.  Don and Irene are next and she tells us her favorite is a bacon cheeseburger because that goes so well with beer and whiskey.  Awww….I knew there was a reason I liked her.  Who is she again?  Jesse and Arthur are up next and scary dramatic music plays and Arthur’s eyes get all crazy.  Arthur tells Jesse he really wants the pizza.  Jesse says they are here to lose weight and this food is all about gaining.  Arthur tells him he doesn’t want anyone sending him to the other camp and he wants to make his own decisions.

He is the master of his domain

He tried to pick the smallest amount which was a chicken leg and a decent choice at 150 calories.  He decides to send Jennifer and Jay (the Green team) over to Team Genius.  His reasoning is they are the strongest team there.  So, Jennifer and Jay are gone for a week, but they are not immune.

Like we all weren’t keeping track at home.

Jay and Jennifer wander into some barn where Team Genius is kind of standing around waiting for their trainers.  When the Green Team wanders in, they get hounded with questions.  Why are you here?  How long are you here?  Does John Boehner cry in public ALL the time?  Jennifer explains the challenge and when she gets to the part about food, Q yells out:  “Was there Macaroni and Cheese?”

Simmer down, Slim Fast

They all guessed it was Arthur who ate something and decided the challenge.  Jay and Jennifer seem excited to be there and Rulon is explaining how much they all love boxing when Brett and Cara, the new trainers walk in.  They are confused to see the Green Team and Jay goes through the whole challenge explanation AGAIN.

All this boxing has caused some brain damage, huh?

There are a bunch of scenes showing J and J working with the teams.  And it was all very captivating.  Or not.  Team Genius has different work out techniques, but the same enthusiasm.  Cara (trainer) tells us J and J are in great shape and that could be worrisome for the upcoming weigh in.  Commercial!

WTF is going on here and why a) is it not on Fox and b) am I not taping it?

Okay, that’s enough of the people we don’t know.  Back to the ranch!  It is time for the group to hit the gym with Bob and Jillian and there is a huge confrontation with the trainers and Don.  They immediately start yelling at him, “We want the truth!”  He’s all, “You can’t handle the truth!”  He denies and denies throwing the weigh in.  Jillian hasn’t had enough air time this season so of course, she takes this all personally and really wants to push his buttons.  What are you afraid of?  What is it?  C’mon, get mad.  WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?  Don:

I’m absolutely petrified of those balls behind you.  They’re like giant eyes

He finally starts to lose it and tells the camera guy to get the bleeps ready.  HA!  He lets out a torrent of curse words and says he’s sick of the questions and bleep this and bleep that.

I wish they would have blurred the hair.  Now, that’s offensive

It is actually a pretty hilarious exchange because I really don’t think Don was very much into the whole dramatic confrontation thing and he just wanted Jillian off his back.  So, now that that little necessary vignette is over, the teams can start working out.  Jillian is working with Courtney, who continues to kick ass on the treadmill but Courtney really needs some Jillian time to talk.  Because, heaven help us if you ever come on this show just because your love of pizza and wings got you to this point.  There has to be some deep seated emotional reason.  So, what is Courtney’s?  She was always super confident but then her Mom would say—wow, those kids are making fun of you or something like that and it upsets Courtney.  So they will need to hash it out.  Jillian seems empathetic and helpful, but she’s always less stressed after she’s found her kill.  What’s with the blood splatter on her shirt?

Jillian has a dark passenger

For a second, I was a little worried about Don…Back at the unknown…oh, wait…it is Fitness Ridge, not unknown anymore.  I forgot.  Luckily there is a 2 minute commercial showing us all the lovely facilities of the training resort.  Which is about the biggest oxymoron I’ve ever heard.  A resort is where there is a wooden menu with 12 different adult drinks on it and the goal is try each one of them.  Before dinner.  Back to Team Genius.  They’re all working out and this is the last week of immunity so they’re all getting nervous about going back to the ranch and facing the yellow line after this week.  Justin uses yoga, mediation and aromatherapy to ease out the stress of his future.

Or he beats the crap out of the trainer like he’s a roadhouse bouncer

Back at the ranch, it is time for Courtney to tell her Mom Marci what her issue is.  Basically, Courtney doesn’t want to disappoint her Mom and she feels like her Mom feels responsible for how Courtney looks.  Marci tells her she would hear about childhood obesity and feel so guilty about Courtney, especially since she is in the fitness industry.  Which I had completely forgotten about and now that she reminded us, continues to astound me.  I don’t mean to sound rude, but when you think personal trainer or fitness center owner, is this what you picture?

I’m thinking more tax advisor or sweet and simple lady behind the deli counter

They hug it out and before we know it, we’re at the last challenge.  (I LOVE one hour shows).  The Green Team shows back up to join Team Ranch in the challenge and I hope and pray it involves bungee jumping.

I know one piece of chicken that would find its way out of someone’s stomach.  Am I right?

But alas, it is not a bungee jumping challenge.  Alison explains the challenge right after her route is finished.

I just have two more streets!  Hang on a second

Alison asks the Green Team how it is over at the other place and instead of hilariously lying about beatings and starvations, he gives a solid answer.  Which is boring.  Okay, for the challenge the Green Team is playing against the rest of the ranch teams.  They represent all of Team Genius.  The winning Team (Ranch or Genius) all get letters from home.  Alison lifts up a bunch of food covers and guess what?  It is the same damn food from earlier.  This time, instead of eating what I’m sure is rubber, green, furry and just plain nasty they have to guess how many calories all of the favorite foods equal.  Alison gives them a head start by telling them it is a four digit number.

So my guess of 250 calories was way off?  That might explain a lot actually…

The teams pick the first digit and hoist that number way in the air (75 feet or so).  If the number is correct, they move to the next digit.  Since the Green Team is by itself, the other four teams have to hoist 4 times the weight as the Green Team to make it fair.  If they get a number wrong, they have to bring it back down to the ground and pick another digit.  So it is a guessing game with some added weight lifting.  Great!  The Green Team starts out strong, but mainly because Team Ranch is fighting and yelling about which number should be next and it is a little bit of mayhem.  Not as bad as when they tried to do the raft challenge, that’s for sure.  The Green Team leads the whole way until the last digit and Team Ranch is right behind them.  The last digit was wrong for the Green Team.  The correct total for those of you keeping score at home was 8754 calories. Team Ranch wins letters from home, which are rudely distributed by dumping them all on the ground from a box at the top of the crane.

I hope no one was supposed to receive a heavy and/or fragile care package

Team Ranch picks up all their now grass-stained letters and plops down to read them.  Don gets one from his estranged son, which was apparently written at a bar.

Based on the cocktail napkin

I make fun, but Don gets really broken up at the few lines written by the son who quit talking or visiting him because he wouldn’t do anything about his weight.  I definitely like Don more this episode.  Maybe it was the sight of both of them, I don’t know.  I hope he sticks around…just long enough to tell Jillian he lied about the weigh in and hahaha, he’ll never tell her the truth.  And then this happens…

*Sigh*  I’m going back to root through my trash can…

Heaven knows they can’t wrap it up in 60 minutes and we’re back to a bloated episode next week.  Until then, thanks for joining me!