Biggest Loser–The Auditions!

My ex got a job.  How nice.

I’ve been a big fan of Biggest Loser since the fourth or fifth season and now that we’re on Season 10, that ol’ familiar emotional rollercoaster is about to crank up again.  No, not the journeys of the contestants; mine as a viewer.  I start out patting my back fat, because although I’m a chubby bundle, these people are WAY bigger than me.  Then about half way through the season, the pit of my stomach feels like it contains a half dozen undigested chalupas, because now the contestants’ bodies are starting to look hauntingly familiar.  By the end of the season, I hate these skinny bitches.  So, strap yourself in…it’s time again for The Biggest Loser!

Tonight is the season premier and it gets down to the final winner at the end of the 2 hours.  Kidding!  It would be awesome, though.  Allison would be awkwardly saying, “So, Jimbo, you lost 6 ounces—-You’re the winner—cue confetti!”  And Jillian would be gushing about how she taught him to take the best shit to get there.  But truthfully, this is a long season because these folks are not going to make me feel fat and lazy overnight–they’re going to have to work for it.

So, let’s get started.  Unlike previous seasons, we don’t meet the contestants at the ranch.  Those of you unfamiliar with the show, let me explain this is not like a cool dude ranch with horses and stuff.  It’s basically a Waco-like compound, but without the arsenal.  But we’ll check out the ranch next week.  This week, it’s all about Bob, Jillian and Allison traveling around the country to gather their contestants.  I’m not sure why they had to go all over the place for this; Golden Corrals are everywhere, aren’t they?  And it would sure tie that whole “ranch” theme together.  So, like American Idol, they travel all around and much like Ryan Seacrest, Allison is everywhere.  Meaning, she’s in every city.

First stop is Detroit, Michigan.  There are three potential candidates in the crowd.  Technically, there are a lot of people in the crowd who would make great BL contestants, but apparently three have already been screened, tested, poked, prodded and cleared by the lawyers to actually participate.  Bob works the crowd like a scruffy Miss America and gets the whole group together for some warm up exercises.  Let me just stop here and say that over the years, Bob has gone through a transformation.  When Jillian joined the show, she received a ton more camera time because of her hardcore training methods.  Bob was always the nice one.  He’s different now.  Don’t take my word for it.

Before camera-whore Jill

Now…

Allison screams at us that this season is all about paying it forward.  After the warm up, she announces the three contestant hopefuls from the crowd to weigh in.  Jesse is up first.  He is 27 and pretty much blames his overweight Mom for his weight issues.  There are a lot of clips of excessive eating and drinking and sadly, it’s making me hungry.  He weighs in at 369lbs.  Next up is Sophia, 28, whose goal is to wear a white dress.  Not a wedding dress, just a white one.  Yeah, I know:  it’s almost Fall.  She also lost her brother recently and although she is a counselor, she is struggling to get through it.  She weighs in at 272lbs.  Number three is Aaron, 29, who is married and has a little boy.  He blames his alcoholic father for his eating problems.  He weighs in at 468lbs.  He tells the crowd he forgives his alkie father but he doesn’t want to be like him.  Then he makes a six pack joke.  Tacky, party of one?

Bob tells the group that if you want it, you’ll have to earn it and it’s time now for the very first Biggest Loser challenge.  It’s a step challenge and they have to get to 500 steps.

If this were “24″, one of these would inexplicably blow up when it hit 500

Sophia is the first to finish, with Jesse right behind her.  Poor Aaron is the last one, but with the crowd cheering, does the full 500 steps, which is 488 more than his Dad ever did.  (rimshot).  Bob gives Jesse and Sophia orange shirts and they get in the limo.  Where they immediately do the nasty.  Ha–jk.  Bob has a little chat with Aaron, telling him not to give up.  I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Aaron.

And it’s off to Los Angeles!  Now wait just a minute.  We here in the Midwest were brought up to believe that everyone in LA was skinny, plastic and blonde.  Did they ship these people in?

Our tour bus is parked over yonder

This time Allison is there with Jillian, who looks like the Unabomber.

I will blow the fat off of you people

And with the crowd cheering and the wind blowing, it’s time for the first weigh in.  Adam, 26, was very close to his Mom who had a sudden heart attack and now he is going to do his best to get healthy.  He weighs in at 402lbs.  Ada, 27, is first generation Chinese and tells us she lost two brothers very young and the other was injured in a car accident while she was driving.  Her Dad somehow blames her for all three.  I wish Jill-bomber would find him and just beat the crap out of him.  They may help Ada even more than this show.  She weighs in at 258lbs.  Montina, 35, is the last one up and she is a back-up singer for Beyonce.  She said the music industry is unbelievably rough when it comes to image.  The music industry is also tough on people who can’t sing, but that’s neither here nor there.  She weighs in at 287lbs.  And once again, they’re doing the 500 step challenge.  Montina wants to quit almost immediately, because of knee problems, so she struggles.  Ada finishes first with Adam right behind.  Jill-bomber gives them blue shirts and they head to the limo.

WTF is that on the seat?

Portland, OR is our next stop and our ol’ buddy Mike from Season 7 is there, looking pretty darned hot.  For those of you who don’t remember him, I’ve included these visual aids.  Enjoy:

Not do-able

Do-able

Mike has apparently kept his weight off and enjoys speaking about his experience.  Bob is back and the park is filled with people.  No food tents, no beer tents, no bands…

Saddest festival ever

The first person called to the stage is Burgundy.  She has a sideways belly button and five kids.  After hearing some of the other stories, I was relieved to hear they’re all okay.  Her problem with weight stems from the fact that she is always putting other people first.  To me, the most selfish person is the one who takes the last piece of pizza, not the other way around.  Her starting weight is 231lbs.  Next up is Corey,27, who is a life coach.  A who?  At 27?  At that age, I was still thinking Jager was a good way to cap off the night and that Steak-N-Shake wouldn’t hurt the next day.  But once I got a good look at him, I could sense his wisdom and see his old soul.

I live in a van down by the river

Corey weighs in at 391lbs.  They also show clips of him being silly about his weight, like putting on deodorant under his moobs, but I wasn’t going to address.  Not because it’s sad, but because I’m jealous.  Let’s move on to Tina, a 58 year old grandmother who tells us her second husband cheated on her and her weight problems started then.  Her starting weight is 264lbs.  They do a different challenge here and that is to run a one mile race.  Through the crowded city.  Anybody else think this is a bad idea?  And I use the word “run” very, very loosely.  These people are very much out of shape, so it’s more of a bob and weave.  Oh, and wheeze.  Burgundy is the first one to finish and Corey hits the ground hard not once but twice.

Any other reality show and there would have been sneaker prints on his chest

Tina runs around him (I guess she’s teaching ALL them cheatin’ menfolk) and ends up in second place.  Medics show up and like the old saying goes, “It’s all fun and games until the dredhead life coach eats concrete.”  Luckily, Corey is okay and vows to continue the journey at home.  It’s a little more somber (and cleaner) limo ride for the two ladies who won and they received their purple shirts.

Next stop:  Atlanta.  Jillian is back to join Allison and let’s get right into the candidates.  First up is Anna, 39, who lost her 3 year old son to cancer not long ago.  She truly believes that she can move on and she has a lot of life in front of her.  Amen, sister.  Her starting weight is 330lbs.  Up next is Rick, 54, and a physical therapist.  He wants to be a good example for his grandkids and he seems like a genuinely nice guy too.  There really are no assholes yet, people.  There are a lot of sad stories and horrible reasons for these people to be where they are.  But trust me, I’ve been watching this show long enough to know that just because a person is obese and they’ve had a really rough go of it, doesn’t mean they can’t be complete jerk-offs.  Let’s cross our fingers!!  Third contestant is Patrick, 27, who wants to be a better Dad.  Their challenge is also the 1 mile run/walk/lumber.  Rick kicks ass on this and comes in first.  Patrick does a good job, but Anna is really struggling.  Jillian is yelling/spitting (from now on known as “yelting”) at her to come on.  Anna does finish up, but far behind the guys.  She tells us her life is just beginning.  Totally rooting for this one, y’all.  (What?  It’s Atlanta.)  Rick and Patrick get their green t-shirts and head for the limo.

We’re just going to drive around for a week, without food, to give y’all a head start.

And now we join Bob in Phoenix, AZ.  (Wow–talk about an unnecessary ”AZ”).  And Allison.  Seriously, how is this bitch everywhere?  First up is Jessica, 26, a wedding planner.  Her Mom is abusive and a bitch and Jessica started eating to rebel.  I am quietly protesting supermodels and athletes every time I go to Taco Bell.  We all have our causes.  You are going to hear it from me first, folks.  If Jessica makes it on the show, she will be the drama queen.  Starting weight:  282lbs, which makes her a rebel without applause.  Up next is Mark, 30, a bartender who gets very little back story except to say he has a nervous Jewish family.  So, basically this guy is pretty happy, just fat and lazy.  Thank the Lord!  He weighs in at 421lbs.  Next up:  Shanna, 38, who is a breast cancer survivor (just recently too!) who also has 4 sons.  She seems like a very inspirational person with a good head on her shoulders.  Once again, we’re doing the 1 mile thing.  (The 8 mile thing would be awesome–they all have to rap and stuff…).  Queen Jessica finishes first, with Mark not far behind.  Of course, Mark had his skinny little Dad running with him.  Poor Shanna is last.  You could tell it was incredibly tough for her and I am really pulling for her to gain and maintain a healthy life again.  What’s that?  Oh, Shanna, you’re welcome.

Before the next city, we get our very first trainer tip of the season!!!  These are just the best.  This week, Bob is promoting using the Brita water filter (of course) and creating a veggie garden in your yard.  Unfortunately, I don’t know if Bob knows what a veggie garden is supposed to look like.  But Bob, um, those are weeds.  There are different commercials on the net, but trust me when I say he was standing next to a weed patch. 

We are back on track and now in Oklahoma City.  Our special guest here is Danny Cahill from Season 8.  He looks awesome, but I guess if he just fell back to his evil eating ways, he would be a really bad special guest.  For those who care about Danny:

Whoever made him pose like that should be shot

Seriously doesn’t even look like the same guy

Okay, first contender here is Allie, 22 and God love her–she wears a regular bra under her sports bra.  She had a gastric band when she was 14.  Hey, another set of parents who should have their asses kicked!  Oh, wait, Mom is diabetic and had a minor stroke recently. Okay, we’ll just slap her wrist.  Allie weighs in at 322lbs.  Lisa, 31, is up next and her story is that she came home from work and her daughter was sick from dehydration.  Apparently, her tween daughter went on some kind of crazy fast diet so she wouldn’t end up like Mom.  Wow.  What a dumbass.  She looks fine now (she’s in the crowd cheering and looking healthy).  Last here is Sandy, 30, whose story is downright creepy.   Apparently, her brother auditioned to be on a previous season (last season, maybe?), didn’t make the show and died 5 days later in his sleep.  WTF?  What if he would have made it on and was at the ranch?   I wonder if they didn’t let him on because he was too unhealthy.  Sandy is doing this for him.  She weighs in at 259lbs and I hope she also remembers she needs to be doing it for her.  One word to Jillian about doing it for someone else and she will on the serious end of some yelting.  We’re back to the original challenge of the 500 steps.  Allie and Lisa win this and Sandy at least doesn’t have to hide from Jillian with her pathetic health excuses of all “doing it for him”.  Hmph.

I will find you and rip out your mother effing throat!

And our last city for this tour, Boston.  And with Jillian and the ever-present Allison (I swear she’s like Hermione) is this town’s special guest, Mark Kruger.  Yay!  Living proof that a Biggest Loser contestant can also be kind of a jerk.  Here are his pics:

Okay, maybe not a jerk but smarmy.  Definitely smarmy.

Jillian is looking even more pissed than ever and either she hates the Red Sox more than I do or there is something going on in that machine driven brain of hers.  She glares at the crowd gathered and starts spitting out food.  No, not like on Hell’s Kitchen.  More like, she spits, “Clam chowder” and “Boston Cream Pie”.  I’m fairly certain if a clown walked by with a cone of cotton candy, she would have taken him out.  Not that I disagree–all clowns must be destroyed.  But back to our contestants:  Brendan, 32, has yo-yo weight and is actually a wellness teacher.  He believes he is losing credibility with his students.  I say, you beat the credibility right back into them.  He tells us he used to be engaged and…and…AND…Oh, thank goodness, she’s still alive.  He just dumped her.  Uh, okay.  His starting weight is 362lbs.  Elizabeth, 30, is divorced from an abusive husband and that’s all we really find out about her.  Oh, and she weighs 244lbs.  Frado, 43, is a type 2 diabetic and an ex-Marine.  I instantly like Frado without knowing why, so I hope he does well.  His starting weight is 367lbs. BTW:  I think Jillian and Mark, our special guest are doing it.  Don’t know why, just wanted to throw something a little sexy out there.  Because this show may be a lot of things, but sexy ain’t one of them.

We could hide behind the crowd and no one would see us because we’re skinny now

Okay the challenge is the step one.  I’m already rooting against Brendan because he has a stupid tattoo.   It says “Self Respect is the fruit of discipline”.  Whatevs.  “Enjoying oneself is the Pizza of life.”  I like that one better.  So, they’re on the steps and Elizabeth has a freakin’ asthma attack.  Luckily, Jillian’s there to shove the inhaler in her face, but it doesn’t take long for Elizabeth to have to give up and go into a full blown attack.  WTF?  This is awful.  What’s worse?  The crowd’s still cheering and the other two contestants are still going at it.  Of course, my man Frado was first with fruit tat Brendan behind him.  Poor Elizabeth got hauled off by medics, but a now satiated Mark tells us she went to the hospital for precautionary reasons only and she’ll be just fine.  WHEW!  And so, Frado and Brendan get the black shirts.

And those are our teams.  There’s a boatload of them at first and it takes a while to figure out who is who and who sucks and whatnot, but we will get there.  Thanks for checking it out—it’ll be a more normal recap next week!