Biggest Loser–The Fool on the Hill

This week on Biggest Loser is the most anticipated (usually) of any season—it’s make-over week!  We start this week with Alison telling the group all the details of what is going to happen this week.  Famous celebrity stylist Ken Paves will be giving them new hairstyles, tweezing, coloring, waxing, etc.  Question:  If I’m a stylist and someone famous comes into my Great Clips and needs a quick trim, do I then become a celebrity stylist?  Or do I need 2 or more?  Alison also tells them they will be walking the runway at a charity fashion show for the Ford Warriors in Pink and the Susan G. Komen fight for the cure for breast cancer.  Nice, but who attends this?  If I’m going to pay big bucks for a charity fashion show, I’d rather see some real fashion and not reality tv people.  But I guess that’s what charity is all about isn’t it?  Paying money for something you don’t need or want to go towards a greater cause.  Awwww…this show really is making a difference.

“I’m going to look hot.”

Okay, maybe not everyone is caught up in the moment.  And I believe Brendan is putting a little too much faith in what a stylist can really do.  Patrick wisely tells us he remembers from other seasons the families are there too and he is really looking forward to seeing his family.  With that, the group heads to Ken Paves’ salon where he tells them he has worked with Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez and both David and Victoria Beckham.  Personally, I would have been more impressed if this was one of his bodies of work.

You use the medium size rollers for optimum perm fluffiness

Patrick tells us he’s from Mississippi and he’s never been to a place like this.  I’m guessing he’s never met a person like this either.

Mississi Who??

So the group are getting shaved and tweezed and colored and tinted and it’s all very light and there is a lot of winking and “OMG” going on.  And then they head for a photo shoot for People Magazine.  Here is where I believe they screwed up make-over week.  Usually we don’t get to see how they look until they go all dramatic from sweaty Biggest Loser t-shirt to completely new looks.  For some reason we get cheated out of that dramatic before and after event.  Is it because they don’t look all that different or didn’t get completely new faces/hairstyles?  Are they doing this week too soon?  These people have all lost a lot of weight, but there is a lot more for them to lose.  I’m just not sure why they switched it all around on us.  But either way, we watch the People magazine photo shoot and can catch nice glimpes of how they look with a little spackle and some new threads.

Lisa–make-up tarred and feathered

We do get a nice glimpse of some guy who I had no idea who it was.  I thought it was some random Biggest Loser groupie, but then I realize it is Frado—without the facial hair.  And he looks the most different out of all of them.  So after some quick photo sessions, it is time for the runway show.  Alison comes out to greet the crowd and introduces Shanna.  If you remember from the beginning, Shanna auditioned for the show but didn’t make it.  She is a breast cancer survivor.  She comes out and talks to the crowd and it is all very sweet and she seems like a pretty awesome person, until she gives us this creepy grin as if she’s scared to death.

Don’t worry honey, Jillian can’t yell at you here

Alison then introduces the crowd to Ken Paves who is in the crowd and then to Bob and Jillian who come out onstage and look completely ridiculous with absolutely no pink on them.  Way to be supportive, guys!

Wearing Pink:  We figured they were more actual guidelines

The first contestant out is Wheezy and we can only hope she doesn’t pass out and and fall into the front row.  She is wearing some sort of Project Runway reject outfit with a goofy bridal train attached.  WTH?

Looks like her butt swallowed a set of curtains.

Wheezy goes back to change for her second walk, which will be formal and hopefully styled better than the first mess we saw.  No we know this isn’t really about the clothes they’re wearing, but if I lost like a 1000lbs, I’d want really nice, slimming clothes.  When Wheezy gets back to the dressing room, who is there by Wheezy Sr. (Silvia) to greet her.  Aw, family reunions!  So happy, so tearful.  So…foreboding?  Who is going to be there for Ada?  Rut-ro…

Next out is Lisa and it is another jacked up outfit.

I can’t be the only thinking she looks better in her BL t-shirt, can I?

So, she works the runway and heads back where her family is waiting.  There is her sister and her son.  Where is her husband?  Does she have one?  Why don’t we know this story?  Oh, goody!  It’s attention-whore tween.

If she gets skinny, what am I going to next?  Stop bathing?

Patrick is next on the runway.  He comes out and Bob squeals from the front row.  Easy, Bob–it’s a shave and a haircut…But dang, he does look good.

Patrick goes backstage and man, his little boys are adorable and his wife is cute.  We all like pretty people, so we hope they make it.  Once again, wifey is wearing a tank top and I have to wonder—did she forget she was going to be on TV?  I mean, c’mon girl–a little effort.  I know it is the Biggest Loser fashion show, but still—it is not the Wal-Mart clearance parade.

Meanwhile, Patrick’s trying to figure out how to sneak in a conjugal

Mark is the next contestant out.

It is okay, buddy.  It is a runway, not a plank.

Mark looks good, as expected as he has lost the most amount of weight on the ranch this season and I think we all suspected he was a pretty handsome dude under all that excess fat and facial hair.  Unfortunately, Ken Paves let him keep the goofy goatee.  Maybe when he loses more weight in his face…So, who is backstage for him?

Um…okay…

Now, we know Mark and his cousin are very close and she is working out and losing weight at home, but their closeness is borderline creepy and that’s all I have to say about that.

Speaking of creepy, Brendan is the next out on the runway.  So he went from Super-sized douche, to just a medium.

The make-over of a tool

His Mom is backstage and she seems nice enough and very happy and surprised to see how well he’s done, but you can sense a palpable lack of warmness between the two.  I’m not sure if that is an East coast thing or just these two, but it is a more restrained than strained relationship.  So…I didn’t really have a point there at all.  Oh, but he did get his ears pierced, so that’s important to mention.  Onward!

Pretty in Pink…but a hat WTF

Did they let these people pick out their own clothes?  Had to be.  I’m anxious to see how the formal round goes but in the meantime I’m too nervous about backstage for Ada.  Family?  Friends?  Mark’s cousin?  As Ada’s clomping down the runway, further convincing us that although she is an awesome competitor and determined as hell, she is not exactly floating on graceful feathers.  CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP.  So, to end the suspense on who is there for her…

Yay!!  Ada’s friend/hired contract killer

Jennifer seems very sweet and Ada tells us they’ve been friends since they’ve been kids.  And then Jennifer cracks me up when she points out Ada’s skinnier legs and tells her she no longer has to help zip up her boots.  HA!  STFU, friend–the world probably didn’t need to know that about poor Ada’s fat calves.  Overall, Ada seemed happy but a little melancholy about seeing Jennifer.  It really should have been her parents, but I have a feeling they would have done more damage than good at this point.

Last out is Frado.  He tells us (being ghostly shadows) his kids have never seen him without his facial hair and he’s afraid they won’t recognize him.

Thank you…thank you very much…

He goes backstage and for real–it is like none of them recognize him.  There is a stunned gasp and silence.  It was funny and heartwarming.  Frado’s family seems really awesome and now I like him even more.

Frado?  The mailman?  Mark’s cousin?

All of the contestants come back out in their formal wear, with friends and family now in the audience.  I guessed they kicked out the homeless people who were keeping the seats warm.  Sadly, the outfits don’t get much better.

Um, slimming?

Now that the fun is over, it is time for the next challenge.  This is a challenge to win a new car from Ford.  Patrick immediately tells us how badly he needs a new car.  He’s the one that has been out of work for months and his car is a piece of junk.  Briefly, here is what they have to do:  They are at a place called Angel’s Flight and they have to  run to the top of it (300 feet) either by train or by steps.  If they go up and back via train, they earn 1 point.  If they use the steps, they get 5 points.  Frado points out to us to do it by steps, it would be the equivalent of 30 flights each and it would be a total of 20 trips up and down.  Thanks, Frado!  I’m already worried about Wheezy.  I hope she has a Metro pass around her neck to save on train fare.

And knows it

They start out and Ada, Patrick and Brendan are immediately in the lead.  Frado hangs behind with Lisa, both saying this is not a sprint.  Technically, it is a race but whatever…Wheezy starts to you know, wheeze and she is the first one to take the train.  She tells us the train is going faster than she is, so why not?  Alison is yelling out they’ve been at it for 70 minutes and she sounds bored out of her mind.  It becomes almost  obvious Ada is going to hit this one out of the park and she will very easily win it.  Then this happens:

Camera B:  She’s at Subway, I think

All of sudden the cameras can’t find Ada and while I realize she’s lost a lot of weight, it is not like she can physically disappear on a set of stairs.  I’d rather believe they did this for dramatic effect rather than the lamest camera operators ever.  And as it turns out, Ada stopped to wait for Brendan and then had a little whispery discussion with him.  Meanwhile, Patrick hits 95 points and is on his way back up, not knowing what’s going on.  Ada and Brendan are waiting for him and they tell him they are going to let him finish first and win the car.  While I think this is probably the nicest thing I’ve seen someone do in a long, long time, I do think it would have been hilarious if Patrick would have quit at 95 and just hung around Alison, wondering where Ada and Brendan were.  For hours.  But as it turns out, Patrick does win the new car and there are tears all around.  These people are damned serious about an alliance.  Holy cow.  Meanwhile, Wheezy doesn’t finish and only earns 70 points.

But she is now a Diamond customer on the Angel Flight’s train and gets free juiceboxes, so she’s got that going for her.
Back at the ranch,  Brendan and Ada have a talk about how she felt about her parents not being there for her make-over week, like the rest of the families.

C’mon, tell Uncle Brendan’s feet everything

Ada said she is not upset her parents didn’t come this week because she is still not over the whole video thing from last week.  She tells him when she goes home there are going to be some serious conversations with her family and we all hope they listen to what she has to say and starts being a helluva lot more supportive.  Or, well…you know…

We can come up with another way to communicate

Brendan is being really nice and it is starting to freak me out.  Please stop it.  Next the goup is sitting around eating some random subway-type sandwiches from some restaurant whose name totally escapes me and Bob and Jillian come in to find out about the challenge.  Bob can immediately tell Wheezy looks more tired than everyone else and he asks her what is going on.  She tells him how upset she is she didn’t finish the challenge.  Bob reassures her in the only way he knows how.

Remember when you were pretty good and actually accomplished something?

Bob decides she is going to do what she couldn’t last night.  And it is time for the Last Chance workout!  Brendan immediately dives back in to the toolbox when he tells us his strategy on Mark.  He’s setting up Mark, you see, so that if Brendan falls below the yellow line, Mark won’t vote for him.  But if Mark falls below, Brendan will immediately vote for him because Mark is the biggest threat.  Mark is no dumbass so he tells us he knows if he falls below the yellow line, he’s going home–so he just won’t fall below.  Thank you!  Brendan’s manipulations seem to have no effect on this guy, so good for him.  During the workout, Wheezy finishes her steps–probably because her ass is sore from riding the train and Jillian picks on Frado.  So, the gym is filled with groans and moans and yelps from Frado.  Lisa is telling us she is really struggling after seeing her kids.  I realize I don’t have a maternal bone in my body, but those kids would make me want to stay.  Why do I feel like she’s leading us to another “I’m ready to go home”??

Just because my bags have been packed for 9 weeks…

Trainer Recapper Tip:  Jillian tells us to change a Thanksgiving tradition this year and instead of taking a nap, take a walk.   hahaha…what planet is this chick from?  My tip is to finish the entire bottle of wine and take a damned good nap—don’t just doze.

So now before the big weigh in, Frado tells us he’s nervous about it.  I’m pretty sure he lost 3lbs with the goatee he no longer sports.  He meets with his alliance and they all chomp on some fat-free, deliciously flavored gum.  I wish they had some EXTRA.  Brendan tells us he feels protected with his original alliance (Frado and Patrick), Ada (his buddy) and Wheezy (whose bum he’s saved repeatedly).  And it is time for the scale!

Patrick will be the first one up.  He has lost 99lbs and he is very excited to hit the 100lb mark.  He tells us he used to be a studmuffin and has turned into just a muffin.

Muffin with stud topping

And muffin with Otis Spunkmeyer topping

Patrick ends up losing 10lbs, putting him at 291lbs.  Wheezy is up next and has to lose 4lbs.  She tells us she just doesn’t want to be below the yellow line again.  She’s there every single week.  She loses 5lbs and she’s crying and smiling, telling us she woke up feeling skinny this morning.  Alison smiles sweetly but you know what she’s thinking.

Yeah, that’s great.  Keep stepping, line hugger

Next up is Brendan and cheesy villain music plays as he steps up to the scale.  He needs to lose 9lbs to guarantee his safety on the ranch and he loses 7lbs.  He feels pretty good about.  Okay!  Thanks for playing.  He tries to squeeze out some tears, but massive saline fail.  Patrick is now safe.  And now we’re on to Ada and she needs to lose 4lbs to be fine.  She loses 5lbs.  Because she’s Ada.  She is cute and asks Alison if she is for sure safe.  Damn…girl doesn’t even trust an NBC scale.  Stupid parents!

Mark is up next and is understandably nervous.  He realizes he’s a threat.  He’s scared to go home to his cousin.  We get that, Mark.  We do.  Fortunately, he loses 10lbs and he’s good to go.  Lisa is up now.  She tells us she received a letter from her daughter who says she doesn’t want her mother to die when she’s “like 16″.   Lisa cries and then:

hahahaha…letter fail…

Frado is up last and he reminds us he is nervous.  He believes the others will send Lisa home over him if he falls below, but he’s no dummy.  He knows he can not control all the players.  He needs to lose 6lbs and he only loses 4lbs.  So, he is below the yellow line with Lisa.  Frado pleads his place in the game and Lisa doesn’t do as well.  They all hug it out, but it is Lisa who is voted out.  She goes home to a big party in her home town in Oklahoma City at the local library.  Quietest party ever.  She takes a young, heavy girl named Blythe under her wing because Lisa has always felt she should help other people.  So, good for her.  Lisa actually seems like a very nice person, but she her tendency to want to quit did her in.  That and she wasn’t buddies with Brendan.

Until next week!