Yeah, they’re back and they are fat. Not just—“You really look okay in those big girl jeans” kind of chunky, but really fat. They are morbidly obese and dangerously unhealthy. I am shocked at how the great US of A can come up with all of these people. Or not. I’ve been to casinos and to Wal-Mart. I know what we’re all about here. Excess. That’s what makes this country great and buffets affordable. Who doesn’t know that 10lbs of potatoes cost less per pound than 5lbs? Or that a twelve pack of beer costs less per beer than a 6 pack? So for eleven magical seasons, Biggest Loser is back and like my stomach, I am sucked in.
Sucked in, pushed in. Whatever.
This season is back as couples and there are some big twists. Steven Tyler will be a guest trainer and Paula Abdul will show them how to dance.
You’ve been Livin’ on the Edge
That would be interesting but not nearly as compelling as these two shadowy creatures:
Now clear your minds. It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don’t give it any help, it knows too much already.
Yes, we have two mystery trainers and the entire season premiere keeps them out of the spotlight. But more on that later. There are 11 teams and we meet the first few people in the opening. Arthur is from Portland, Oregon and is a strapping 507lbs and probably an early favorite to lose a lot quickly.
The camera does add 10lbs
Next up is Courtney, 21, who works at a Dairy Queen and her Mom runs a health club. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say when Courtney loses the weight she’s going to be a total knock out. And I’m not saying that for discounted Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Courtney gives good face.
Rulon is our Olympic Gold Medalist which is certainly impressive, but it is not as if he glided along a balance beam to our nation’s glory.
Can you hear the pommel horse scream?
All of the teams show up at the ranch and honestly, there are way too many people to keep straight this early in the show, but there are some that stand out. There are identical twin brothers who are police officers with Simon Cowell butt hair.
To Protect and Serve. Or Shoot not Chase.
There is Hannah who is an opera singer and is tired of being a fat opera singer. Because that is not a cliché at all.
You can nozze my Figaro any time, hot stuff
Alison greets the group at the gym and she tells them, the longer they stay in the gym, the better chance their lives will be saved. A little dramatic, maybe, but who knows? Maybe there are snipers set up outside the gym, so this warning could hold true. She tells them there are two people who can help you and she brings out Bob and Jillian. Cheers and smiles all around for the group. Courtney tells us she met Bob a while back and he told her, “Girl, you’re going to be on Biggest Loser.” Oh, Bob, you say the sweetest things. And after all the happiness, Alison tells the group it is now time for their first weigh in. Lights go down, scale is revealed and some of the players are already sweating. Heavily.
At this rate, he just needs to watch people use the scale and he’s a shoe in for the final four.
The brown team is the first to weigh in. They are father Ken and his 21 year old son, Austin. Their combined weight is 776lbs. Courtney and Marci (Mom) are the Aqua team and they are at 561lbs. Courtney actually lost over 100lbs on her own to be healthy enough for this show and she tells the group she still needs to be there. Bob pipes up and says Courtney is there to win. Yeah, Bob and everyone else is there for the free t-shirts. The red team, Larialmy and Jacquin (listed as “Q” on the scale) are over 600lbs. Pink team is Mother/Daughter team Denise and Sarah and Mom Denise cries that Sarah’s weight is her responsibility. The blue team is father/son Jesse and Arthur and their starting weight is 800lbs. Bob reminds us Arthur is the largest person they’ve had on campus. He’s not as heavy as Michael from a couple of seasons ago, but he is shorter—so technically, he is more obese. Arthur tells us a year and a half ago he was actually 150lbs heavier. I’m betting on Arthur being around for a while. Green team is father/daughter Jay and Jennifer at 678lbs. Purple team is sisters Hannah (opera singer) and Olivia at 509lbs. The gray team is Moses and Kaylee (father and daughter). Moses is 404lbs and tells the group he reveres Sam and Koli. The black team are identical brothers Dan and Don. Don has a son who disowned him and Dan lost a son to a drug overdose. The yellow team is friends Justin and Olympic guy Rulon. Their starting weight is 839lbs. Okay, that’s enough of all that—too many people, I tell you…but that is about to change…
We will now execute 10 of you to make the recapper’s life easier
Actually, Alison announces the first challenge. There is a boatload of treadmills lined up and the contestants immediately think someone will be going home tonight. But alas, it is to determine who will train them. Bob and Jillian (in her last season) or the two shadowy unknowns. Who very well could be vampires or bartenders, for all they know. They will run (in teams, taking turns) a 5K on their manual treadmills. The first five teams to finish get their choice of trainers. At the end, there will be 5 teams with the new trainers and 6 teams with Bob and Jillian. Arthur excitedly tells us the silhouettes could be previous contestants. And the other twist? If a team goes with the unknown trainers, they get 4 weeks of immunity. How is this not a no brainer? That immediately means of the 12 people with Bob and Jillian, there will be 4 people already gone by the time that month is up. Bob and Jillian can’t really expect people to give up that opportunity just to be yelled at by them, can they???
Oh yeah, this is worth it
So the winners of the first challenge are yellow team (Justin and Rulon), then gray (Moses and Kaylee), then Aqua (Courtney and Marci), etc…Justin and Rulon (yellow) decide to take the 4 weeks of immunity with the scary unknowns, as does the gray team. Aqua and the green team (Jay and Jennifer) decide to stick with Bob and Jillian. Brown team (Ken and Austin) take unknowns and oh, screw this…Here is who is with BJ (Bob/Jillian) and it is all that matters, because we see none of the other teams for the rest of the show, nor do we ever meet the trainers.
Aqua (Courtney and Mom, Marci)
Green (Jay and daughter, Jennifer)
Purple (Hannah and sister, Olivia)
Orange (Ana and daughter, Irene)
Black (twins Dan and Don)
Blue (Jesse and big Arthur)
Whew…Okay, that is way more manageable. The six teams meet up with Bob and Jillian and Bob is shocked when Courtney tells them it was important to stick with the trainers they know. Bob tells them that no matter what happens, they’ll be down four players. With that inspirational start, let’s work out!
Ana passes out first, but she recovers. Arthur goes down, taking a diver off the treadmill and Bob is not shocked, as Arthur is 80% body fat. I’m not sure that has everything to do with coordination, but he’s the expert.
Probably not his Facebook profile picture. Just guessing.
Courtney is the biggest girl in the house, but Bob thinks she is a machine. There is a lot of vomiting and snot flying—you know, just a normal day at the office. They do a brief bit of the other teams working out, but do not disclose where they are or who is training him. I mean, unless it is William and Kate, do we really care that freakin’ much who they are?
Back to what we do know, Bob is having his first heartfelt chat with Arthur. Arthur tells him he doesn’t want to be one of those people who has to get cut out of his house. Now THAT is a New Year’s resolution I can live with!
My goal is to leave you intact for 2011
Our six teams soon find out Jillian is up to her old tricks and she is apparently stolen a truck that has run out of gas, so the contestants have to push it.
What up, Jill weight loss pills aren’t paying the bills?
And before you know it, it is time for the teams to weigh in. We still don’t get to see much of the other teams, but we do know they kicked butt. Most notably was Moses from the gray team who broke a record by dropping 41lbs in the first week on campus. Or wherever he is. I guess the longer the teams hang around, we might get to see some of the footage of the early weeks with the unknowns. Alison greets our group at the scale to see who will fall below the dreaded yellow line.
The Fire’s In Their Eyes And Their Words Are Really Clear
Aqua is up first and Courtney loses 15lbs and Mom, Marci loses 14lbs. Blue team (Arthur and Jesse) are up next and to be on top (ew, gross), they have to lose more than 41lbs. They lose 39lbs, only 7 of which were Jesse’s, so Arthur kicked butt, but they are still in danger. Green team (Jay and Jennifer) need to lose 32lbs and they hit 46lbs total, so they are safe. The purple team (Hannah and Olivia or opera singer and Bad Hair), loses 32lbs and are safe.
I’m the singer—she’s my bangin’ sister
The orange team (Ana and daughter, Irene) are up and need to lose more than 24lbs. They only lose 22lbs, so Arthur and Jesse are now safe. Last up are the twins (black team) and they need to lose more than 25lbs. They lose 40lbs and it is official: Alison wears some of the most godawful clothes on TV:
When the sweaty fat people look better, there is an issue
So, the orange team of Ana and daughter, Irene are the first team up for elimination. There really is no suspense here—Mom is going home. Only once in the history of Biggest Loser (that I can remember) did a parent push to stay instead of their spawn was that awful Helen from a few seasons ago. Ana is not a selfish bitch and she encourages her daughter to stay there and change her life. Ana goes home and her “where is she now” videos show that she did really well, losing 50lbs. So long, Ana—we barely knew ya!
Sorry about the short recap—I promise to dig deeper next week. What will happen next week? Will we ever see where the other teams are or what they are doing, beyond some random clips? Are they just locked up in rooms with whole grain bread and water? Until next time…