Six reasons to watch this show and not one of them involves Brita water filters
Not only did Tuesday night signal the end of all of the obnoxious campaign ads and ridiculous mud slinging, it signified a critical election for those who care about the outcome and the effect on our government in the future. Most importantly, it shrunk this week’s Biggest Loser from two hours to one very fast hour. And so, this week’s BL combines those things I love—a lot less filler, hot men in uniforms and Wheezy living up to her nickname. Oh and by the way—I’ve been spelling Alison Sweeney’s name wrong for the past two months. HAHA–what a dumbass!
We start this week where we always start…in the past. We get to see Adam voted out again and I for one am thankful. Not because Adam was such a bad guy, with inherent Mommy issues, but because of his scraggly beard. He and Mark (of very little camera time) were starting to look so much alike, I was getting confused. And one should never question his or her own intellect when watching this show. Health, weight loss habits and exercise routine, sure—intelligence, hell no.
This is the face of someone who gets booted out of the Cash Cab after 1/2 block. Am I wrong???
So, Alison is sitting at the vote table with both teams and tells them this week will be different. Question: If you have a twist every single week, exactly when do you quit calling it a twist and accept it as the norm? Next week? Okay, cool. So, this week’s twist is that both teams are leaving immediately to go live and train with Marines for a week. I am so glad they changed this from living in a nudist camp for a week. Actually, “glad” doesn’t really describe it. Ally calls in 1st Sgt Corona (yum!) and 1st Sgt Gonzalez to yell at the contestants. And she looks waaaaay too happy to see them.
You know, it gets lonely on the ranch
“You think Bob and Jillian are tough??” The officers scream (without spittle, I might add, because they are absolute professionals) about acting like a Marine and living like a Marine, etc. The contestants, rightfully so, look scared to death. Especially Patrick.
I know what they do to bad Marines. I’ve got cable.
Patrick: soon to be someone’s bitch
They all pile on huge military vehicles (no time to pack extra Black and Blue t-shirts or even any Extra sugar free gum) and head out. The “Mission: Impossible” style type shows us that it is now “Several Hours Later”. Most of the players are dozing off as the trucks pull up to Location “LZ-1”. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what “LZ-1” exactly means unless it is a dig at the large contestants, calling them lazy and if that’s the case then these are fairly rude Marines. But I’m not about to tell them that. Helicopters and tanks show up and they are now told they are heading to the Marine Amphibious training station. Which is really kind of kick ass and totally beats my office’s training area, known as “Conference Room E”.
The combat instructors shout at the group to get in gear. Frado tells us he was in the Marines and in the Iraq war, so he’s excited to be there. Aaron has a brother in the military and he always wanted to be a part of it too. Mark is inspired. Mark—you need a better story. Say your cousin is in Afghanistan or something. No one is going to fact check you. Hell, I just figured who you are. Jessica does not want to get in a helicopter and Brendan bizarrely tells us those are the things that went to Vietnam and he wants to ride in them. Obviously, Brendan’s history classes had the stopping point in the mid 70’s because we’ve had no military conflict since then. God, I hope he didn’t vote. They all get in the helicopters and now I think Jessica is changing her tune.
If I shut my eyes real tight, I can imagine I’m on every episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette
The whirlybirds land and Alison is there on the ground to tell them they are in the exact training area where her Dad trained.
You aren’t fooling us–we can still see you
Their very first challenge is to get their gear and follow their instructors up this enormous hill to find their barracks. Everyone is trudging up the hill, but Anna is really struggling. Brendan informs us “if you don’t work as a team, you die”.
The guy on veggies screwed them all…and they had to die
Aaron is kind of kicking ass on the Blue team, but the Black team is really struggling as Wheezy and Anna hold them back. The rest of the team has to go back and get them. And with that, they are in the barracks. Aaron hits his bunk and tells us his strategy is to get as much sleep as possible, because he knows the week will be pure torture. They actually run through the week with the Marines really quickly, showing them getting up at 5AM, quick meals, lots of training, peeing time limits, handing out guns…wait, what?
Mission: Kill skinny people
Before we know it, the week with them is over and it is time for the real challenge. The winning team gets phone calls from home. They have to do a 3 mile obstacle course with 30lbs backpacked to them. They have to finish each leg of the course as a team. They can redistribute their backpack weight to help suit their team and it is at this point, I was rooting for the Black team to dismember Wheezy and Anna and shove their limbs in the remaining, non-dismembered players’ backpacks. But alas, they did not. They did, however, immediately distribute the weight so the guys are carrying 40lbs and the girls have 20lbs. The Blue team decides they are all going to carry their own weight. The Blue team gets an early lead, crawling on the ground and pushing a tank. Thankfully, the tank did not push back. It would have been awesome, but gory. Wheezy and Anna are holding their whole team back and then BAM! Wheezy goes down…Brendan acts like he cares, pulling the whole “Live together, die alone” thing. Wheezy insists on finishing.
Meanwhile on the Blue team, they’re busy carrying some poor new recruit on a stretcher.
Please don’t drop me, Oh Mommy, I’m scared…please send me over to Iraq
The Blue team runs to the finish line in the water and they are victorious! They win the phone calls from home, which they make right there on the beach.
I don’t have a credit card on me per se… Can you charge the $4.99 per minute to my account?
After the Blue team finishes up their reward, we see the Black team, who has luckily not gone AWOL, dragging Wheezy to the finish line.
WAIT—You bastards, I can’t swim…aaaaghhh!
At Camp Pendleton, Wheezy, no one can hear you scream. Back at the ranch, Bob and Jillian are waiting for their Marine-trained teams. As they file in, they spy with their little eyes a guy with a shaved head. Sigh. Yes, Brendan felt it necessary to shave his head at the Marine camp because he really wanted to get into it. On the last day apparently. Moron. And now he looks like a Shakespearean actor playing the lady roles.
Deny thy potatoes and refuse thy ice cream
Yay! Trainer recapper tip time: If you drink a Slim-Fast Chocolate shake with your cheeseburger, you’re still doing okay. I mean, it was going to be a real chocolate shake anyway, right?
There is really not much to report about the last chance workout, but this always makes me giggle:
It gets damned lonely at the ranch and who doesn’t want to ride a “Marine”, even a fake one?
They are holding the weigh in at some big ol’ hangar and in come the Combat Instructors! Is there really nothing else going on these guys need to do? I’m not complaining—just asking. They say a bunch of encouraging things about how the contestants are the real heroes (Huh? Value Meals make you a hero? Or in my case, a heroine? Sweet! Now that the McRib is back, I won’t have to wait long for my medals.) Alison is wearing a camo shirt and a Top Gun jacket and Bob is channeling his inner Joel McHale look.
I can’t go shirtless all the time, no matter how much you beg or how much you put in my contract…well…
And let’s quit screwing around and get on the scale. Blue team is up first and here’s how it shakes down: Mark loses 7lbs. Jessica loses 4lbs and Lisa loses 2lbs. Jesse gains 2lbs. What the hell?
“I’m at a loss. Well…you know, not a loss…oh, f**k. Can I get off this thing?”
Aaron gets up there and shows them how it’s done with a 14lb weight loss! So, now the Black team needs to lose 28lbs total, or 4lbs each since there are 7 of them. Yep, I’m a math genius. Ada is up first and loses 7lbs; Patrick loses 7lbs, Brendan loses 4lbs (2lbs of which I am sure was greasy ass hair) and Anna loses 2lbs (1lb of which I’m sure was skin her teammates scraped off her arms, dragging her to the finish line with Wheezy). And speaking of—Elizabeth gains a pound. Frado now needs to lose more than 9lbs. He tells Ally and everyone he is terrified because he thinks he gained about 6lbs. Alison is pissed. I’m not sure why—what the hell does she care? There is no shortage of fat people in this country—it is one of those things we do really well. So, if he doesn’t succeed, just find another unhealthy big guy to be on the show. In other words:
Lighten up, G.I. Joke
Well, Frado didn’t gain 6lbs—he gained 4lbs. He immediately tells Jillian and everyone else there WAS NO GAME PLAY. Jillian seems to agree with him as the Marines are about discipline and regiment—neither of which have anything to do with you know, following a strict diet and exercise program. Wow, such bullshit. What do I care if they’re playing to weed out their weaker players? Does anyone really care? Ada is once again safe on the losing black team because she’s a total badass and was at the top of the board in percentage of weight loss. Again.
My game: “Kick your butts. One player. My rules”
The show flies through the voting and it is Anna, our lovely little outsider, who is kicked out. Wheezy’s got some powerful friends on this team that is for sure. Anna, whose attitude was terrific but lacked physical prowess, is sent packing and she does a fantastic job at home, losing a total of 80lbs (so far). So, yep, that was a quickie…Until next week, let’s see how Anna did at home:
Peace out, bitches!