Biggest Loser–When I’m 64…or 59…

So we lost Sarah last week and we learned that cooking for a whole week for a house full of large hungry exercise maniacs is tough.  I wish I could say I know what that is like, but when God invented pizza delivery, those worries went right out the window and onto my hips.  This week, there is a chance no one will be eliminated.  Sigh.  Really?  Let’s see how it all plays out, shall we?  We’re in this together…

We start this week in the elimination room and Alison brings in the Red team to hear this week’s announcement and it is a doozy.  There will be no separate teams—no Black, no Red.  She doesn’t clarify if it is for this week only or the remainder of the season.  They will be competing as the Blue team.  Their goal?  As a team, they must beat the 64 pounds they lost collectively last week.  If they lose more than 64 pounds, everyone will be safe from elimination.  Hannah tells us she doesn’t know how this is going to work without playing in teams.

How am I supposed to be a champion if we’re not competing???

Next we see Doc Hollywood is at the ranch to give updates!  He meets first with Courtney and Marci.  Courtney now has a body fat percentage of 35% and although the ideal body fat percentage is under 25%, she is now considered “average” in American women.  Not in my neighborhood, she’s not.

Proud to be American at my local Wal-Mart.

Marci is up next and it is nothing but good news.  She has erased all of her risk factors and she is down to 23% body fat.  She is at her ideal weight and now it is all about maintenance.  So, basically she’s finished.  Doc tells her she’s welcome to stay at the ranch and enjoy her time here.

We’d really like you to stay and visit my urn collection

Moses and Kaylee are now with the doctor.  Doc H brings out the magic BL Death Date Calculator and reminds  Moses that when he started, he had a death date of this:

And Moses was going to party like it was 2024

But now Moses has turned things around and he’s added 19 years to his life.  Moses swears he is not done yet.  Oh and we find out he is Tongan, not Samoan after all!  My bad.  We don’t get to hear anything about Kaylee.  See?  Having no tragedy does not make for good TV.

Foot fungus?  Throat polyps?  Nope?  We’ll check back in later

Rulon is up next and he previously had 40% body fat.  The doctor tells him he must have been eating 10,000-12,000 calories a day.  I did some research on that and that would be over 17 Big Macs per day.   Or 96 berry flavored Fruit roll ups.  Or 91 light beers.  Or over 18 squirrels.  Okay, that’s just silly—no one likes fruit rollups that much!  The doc talks about how he trained to be a wrestler (Rulon, not the doctor) and how that is different now and then shows him some before and after pics.

For four years before their incarceration, the Hartley twins wreaked havoc on the Dunkin Donuts franchise, storming the stores in the upper Midwest, sucking the cream out of the horns, while helpless, petrified and often confused employees looked on.  When Robert “Snoopy” Hartley (Right), saw Richard Simmons sobbing on the “Ellen” show about self confidence, he turned his life around and literally turned himself in, implicating his brother Moose in the crimes with him.

Rulon says he’s never appreciated being an athlete and he realizes now, his family is his gold medal.  Awww…If he trained dogs, would his family be Best in Show?  No one else gets shown with the doctor, so either they don’t have as much good news or BL’s HMO doesn’t cover for longer visits.  Alison is now in the house and she tells the group it is time for the Pop challenge.  They have the same shirts, same trainers and same goals.  So, for the challenge, she is splitting them into teams of two—one from previous Black team and one from previous Red team, but they do get to pick their own partners.  This challenge will be a cooking challenge and before you can say “Ken’s gonna bitch about cooking again”, in come Curtis Stone and Lorena Garcia.  Personally, I think Curtis is pretty hot and I’ve been watching him on that new show “The Next Losing Investment by Restauranteurs” or something like that and he’s really kind of a hardass.  Say what you want, but that makes him hotter to me.  Lorena seems sweet, but all she spews out is about “cooking with passion”, which if she’s ever seen me make Stove Top, she would know I’m on the same page.

J’adore

The group is all excited to see them, but Hannah gets downright creepy, staring obviously at Curtis’ crotch.  Poor Curtis.  Every time he comes on this show, he gets nearly accosted by the hungry women who want to play with his spatula.  Hannah tells us this challenge is the only chance she has to impress him.  Alison explains the challenge, saying each team of two will prepare a dish in 30 minutes and they will be judged on originality, taste and low calories.  And what is the prize?  Hannah yells out, “Curtis?”.  Everyone laughs, Curtis somewhat uncomfortably.  Alison says the real prize is the BL meal plan that will be delivered to them every day until the finale.  At the rate this show is going, that is like a 5 year supply.   Jennifer and Kaylee partner up and they are doing a healthy version of a taco.  Jennifer explains this in great detail to us and Kaylee is not allowed to talk again.

Jen and Harpo Marx

Moses and Olivia are doing a baked cod.  They go head to head in front of the judges and Lorena chows down on the turkey tostado taco thing Jennifer and Kaylee made.

Geez, woman, breathe

Moses and Olivia’s cod had way too much dill, but the judges seemed to like it.  Ken and Hannah are doing a steak and salad.

And then performing a rousing chorus of “Give My Regards to Broadway”

Justin and Irene are together and they’re doing some sort of a meat product and an attempt at a cauliflower mash.  Irene keeps bitching about this not being a cooking show and what do they expect and blahblahblah.  And it pretty much turns out like you would expect.

Which on “Hell’s Kitchen” would be a winning dish

Curtis tells us he thought Ken’s steak would be a disaster while he watched him cook it but it really didn’t turn out that bad.  Curtis—not exactly a life coach.  The judges tried both dishes, but liked Ken’s and Hannah’s better.  Courtney is paired up with Austin.  Okay, who called that?  Was it me or a commenter?  I don’t remember, but Courtney and Austin are pretty darned cute together so maybe there is a love connection going on in the house.  They’re making a dessert and when Curtis asks Courtney why he’s making her nervous, she responds it is because he is hot.  HAHA!  See, when she says something like that, it is cute.  When Hannah does it, it is stalker-ish.

Hannah, the closet stalking champion of 2007.

Marci is with Rulon and they’re making a spicy fish dish.

9973 calories to go!

Both teams did well and Lorena loves the shake Austin and Courtney did.

Does no one feed this woman?

And it is time to announce the winner.  The two favorite teams were Jennifer and her silent partner for their turkey tortilla tostada taco thingies and Moses and Olivia with their dill cod dish (which I thought had too much dill on it???).  The winner:  Moses and Olivia.

Oh, that explains it:  The hidden tie-breaker judge

So, what did we learn with that challenge?  There is still a compelling reason why Irene doesn’t get more camera time.  Austin and Courtney are probably doing it.  Kaylee saves all of her energy by not speaking.  A lot of dill is good.  Rulon is 371 peppers away from getting back into his old bad habits.  Curtis finds odd ways to offer encouragement and Lorena maybe needs to eat a little something before appearing on TV.  Oh and Alison?

Still can’t dress worth a shit

And we’re in the gym with all four trainers!  With twelve people left, that is some pretty intense trainer/trainee time.

Gosh, Jill—can you stand farther away from Cara?

Cara always has this confused look on her face when something changes up on this show.  Has she ever even watched this program?  The team explains to the trainers this week’s challenge of working as a team to lose more than 64lbs.

Team?  64?  What?  Curtis Stone was here?  Where am I?

Bob and Jillian take the guys and the other two take the girls.  Bob immediately gets excited and says he wants to sink his teeth into Rulon.  He tastes like hot peppers, Bob—don’t do it!  Jillian is also thrilled to be working with the big boys and she wants to really give it to them.  Jillian, meet innuendo;  Innuendo, this is Jillian.  Justin is worried about the challenge of the weight loss.  With the other trainers, Cara is giving us her resume AGAIN and boxing AGAIN.  My hubby calls her a one trick pony.  It is all boxing and big ropes.  And then she does something totally original!

Running, established 3.15.2011

Bob wants to get into Rulon’s head.  He wants his stories.  Rulon tells him he is 11 years older than his wife and he wants to grow old with her.  Bob talks about extremes and how life is about balance and you know what?  I’ve just figured out why these folks tend to open up to their trainers.

The more they talk, the more they can rest

In therapy/rest session #2, Hannah is talking to Cara about how she hasn’t been happy and she pretty much blew off her twenties and she wants a new life.  Cara is being remarkably quiet during this.  Normally, she talks over her players.

Maybe one of them taught her a lil lesson about listening…

Meanwhile this happened:

Curtis Stone was here?

Austin is with Jillian and she’s asking him how often in his life has it been about him?  Now, wait one cotton-picking second.  Isn’t he only 21?  And his life has been so selfless up to this point that he’s now finally doing something for him?  No one in the world existed except me when I was a teen/early twenty-something (okay, kind of now too).  So, Austin is such a good guy that he was totally about others through his teens that he let himself go?  I am not buying it.  Since when is letting yourself get to over 300lbs a direct result of caring for others too much?  Every time I drink beer and eat wings, it is all about me and I’ve got the butt to prove it.  Rant over.

Saving the world, one pizza at a time

It is challenge time!  Hey, let’s see what Alison is wearing for this:

BL—biggest supporter of color blind wardrobe consultants in the world

The challenge is this:  there is a big yellow rope that is buried under the ground.  Two people at a time go out and grab the rope and pull it above ground and the rope will lead them to a buried plank.  On that plank will be a trivia question, with two possible answers.  Each answer has a separate rope to follow next—one will be the correct path and the other will be wrong and they would have to retrace their steps.  After each trivia question is answered, another two team members join to help to the next question.  And so on and so forth.  Man, I’m exhausted just typing that.  I hope I lost 64lbs!  If the entire team can cross the finish line in under 90 minutes, they will get a 5 pound advantage at the weigh in.  If they can’t do it, 5lbs will be added.  Marcia and Rulon are the first two up and he is just an animal out there.  Despite that, it takes them a full 10 minutes to get to the first trivia question.  Which they answer incorrectly.

If they had to answer a question about Cara’s background, this would have been a breeze

They get back on the right path and Hannah and Ken join them.  The second question was (and I paraphrase):  Who was fatter of the crack head twins?  Hannah knows the answer immediately, which is rather astounding to me.

Was she stalking them too?  I mean, who wouldn’t, right?

Then Hannah gets hurt.  She may have broken a finger and Alison pulls her out of the competition.  By now, almost everyone is in and Courtney knows immediately the answer to the next trivia question, which was “What was Arthur’s starting weight?”.  They’re all really struggling now and they had 12 minutes left and a hundred yards to go with more buried rope.  Rulon is leading the way and with a mere 6 seconds left, they cross the finish line and win the 5lb advantage!  They are exhausted, of course, so their celebration is really downplayed.

Only 10 cars were set ablaze in downtown BL ranch

And it is time for the last chance workout!  Justin tells us they are working so hard, there is not a dry shirt in the gym.  Thankfully, he doesn’t expound into other damp articles of clothing.  Courtney tells us she wants to hit her 200lb goal this week.  She lost 100lbs before she even came to the ranch and is close to hitting the other.  Brett is worried his girls are too small.

And Hannah’s worried about snipers

Moses wants to do everything he can to keep Kaylee there, so he’s working extra hard to get a bigger number.  Bob wants Austin to lose 7lbs this week, so he just keeps yelling seven at him.  Austin hilariously tells us that you never want to hear Bob or Jillian say:  “We’re going to be best friends today.”.  That about wraps it up for the last chance workout and we’re off to the weigh in!  Alison greets the team and reminds them they are one team weighing in to fight elimination.  That last chance workout must have been tougher than what they showed if the whole group blacked out and forgot what they were working for.  Thanks, Ali!  She also reminds them they won the 5lb advantage so they have to beat 59lbs, which averages to 5lbs per person.  So, let’s do this.  Jennifer starts it off and goes from 196lbs to 191, so she hit her 5lbs.  Hanna is next and loses 4lbs, to reach 176lbs.  Even though she didn’t hit 5lbs, Hannah is still proud of herself and Jillian is proud of her new razor.

And Venus was her name

Olivia loses 3lbs, down to 185.  She is frustrated because she worked really hard.  Justin is up next and he tells us he has to pick up the slack and he needs to do it for the team and he’s a big guy and can save the day and it is all about team and family and it is up to him to pull them up and…well, you get the idea.  He loses 5lbs, down to 249lbs.  On the scale, he kind of changes his tune and begs the rest of the team to help pick him up.

Okay, watch closely.  This is what NOT to do.

Rulon loses 7lbs, so he’s down to 335.  Bob yells out that he really ran him into the ground this week.  And then Cara tells him he’s really dealing well with the pressure of being a champion and people looking up to him.  Justin tells us Rulon got up there and while he didn’t hit a home run, it was a double and it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.  Hey, Justin—the girls are getting a little skinny for that analogy, but we know what you mean.  Ken is up next and he loses 7lbs.  He’s all happy and smiley and promises to always do his best.  See?  Scales aren’t everyone’s enemy.  Just mine.  For those of you keeping score, the team is at 31lbs.  Austin is next and as we all know and he reminds us, seven is the number he wants to hit.  He gets an 8 and it would have been funny if he acted all pissed about that.  Ken tells everyone how proud he is of Austin and that it’s just great to be his Dad.  Hannah loves mushy praise.

Sarcasm isn’t pretty for everyone

Courtney is trying to get 6lbs so her goal of 200 since her journey began and she falls short by 2lbs.  Because she is Courtney, she reacts to this well.  We all know that Courtney wears way too much eye make-up but there is something odd about her confessionals during the weigh-in.  We’ll address it completely a little later.

Exhibit A

Irene is the next one to go and she only loses 2lbs and now the team is starting to get bummed out.  Brett tells everyone not to get discouraged.  Hey, Brett?  It is not your butt on the line.  Moses loses 6lbs and although that number is not a great one for the team, he’s down to 303lbs and he’s happy about that because he hasn’t been under 300 in 18 years.  Marci gets up there and loses absolutely nothing.  Zero.  Zippo.  Nada.  Remember, she’s at her ideal weight (162lbs) and Doc Hollywood told her it was all about maintenance, so she’s really just following his orders.  Marci gets everyone crying by saying what’s meant to be is meant to be and it’s been a great ride and pretty much giving her good-bye speech already.  Kaylee would have to lose 9lbs to save the whole team and she actually gains two pounds.  Bob looks like he’s going to vomit.  Jillian starts yelling about last week she had a good week and they just have to balance her out.  Kaylee looks really convinced by this argument.

The Bob vomiting argument, not the Jillian “balance” one.

So, they lose the weigh in and the two below the yellow line are Kaylee who still has more to lose and Marci, who is at her ideal weight and has been trying to sacrifice herself since week 2.  Gee, I wonder how this is going to go.

Exhibit B

In the elimination room, Courtney votes for Kaylee since she just can’t vote for her Mom and after Marci’s pleading to send her home, you would think everyone would follow her wishes, right?

What is with this hellraiser?

Jennifer tells the group that voting for Marci to go home would be like voting out her parents.  Marci’s really happy about this.

If you were my child, I would beat you.  Hell, I might do it anyway.

Luckily, the rest of the group does the right thing and Marci gets sent packing, allowing Kaylee to stay on the ranch.  The whole thing was a sobfest and I guess I can understand how close knit these people get, but geez—it’s not like Alison is going to send her out into the woods to be hunted down and shot.  She’s going home to her cutie husband.  And to wear something other than T-shirts.  So lesson learned—pizza and beer makes people smile—Cereal bars and Cod with lots of dill make them all weepy.

Now, let’s quickly examine what I like to call tricky editing by the BL producers.  Those confessionals going on during the weigh in make it look like they’re still doing the weigh in and there’s still hope, etc. etc.   Let’s examine the evidence one more time:

Easy, not so breezy, beautiful

Revenge of the non-waterproof mascara

Supposedly, before the weigh in was completed.

And those editors are some tricky bitches!

Until next time…Thanks for joining me!