Biggest Loser–Who Cara’s About You?

Hey, let’s go to New Zealand!  No, really.  Pick me up at 6:00AM.  But before we get to travel across the world–which is really kind of an assumption, right?  I mean, I have no idea where you live.  New Zealand could be 1/8 across the world for you.  Two sentences in and I’m already wandering.   *Sigh*  Back on track, before we travel to New Zealand, we have to re-visit last week’s ousting of Courtney (boo-hoo) and Brett (sarcastic boo-hoo).  Nothing against Brett personally, but I have a limited amount of energy for a show that lasts over 5 months and Brett?  You get none of it.  So, we start out with the remaining nine players, still in the weigh-in room, when Alison announces this week’s twist.  The contestants will be spending not one, but TWO weeks in New Zealand.  Check out the big budget on BL!  Spoiler alert—you will hear “New Zealand” no less than 850,000 times in this two hour episode.  I will dub it “NZ”, because I am lazy.  Alison tells them to go pack their crap and head out.

We’re at the airport and some creepy flight attendant lady is welcoming the group to New Zealand’s newest airline.  Yay!  New fuselages for all my friends!  She tells them one of the group will be able to sit in their super-duper-not-as-cheap-and-cramped-Economy Plus section, if they answer one question.   The other players will go in the cargo hold.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Kidding!  The actual question is:  “How tall is the Sky Tower in Auckland?”  Olivia tells us she’s never heard of Auckland and Kaylee looks just as baffled.  Austin is closest to the actual answer of 1076 feet, so he gets to spread out, while the others suffer on the 18 hour flight.  Yikes.

Moses loves pop quizzes.  Now go sit in your 12” seat.

There are a lot of gorgeous shots of NZ and it is all very Survivor-like.  The next time we see the group, they are on some bluff with Alison who tells them, “Four months ago, you were healthy and unfit.”

And four months ago, I wasn’t color blind.

Before Alison lets them do anything fun, we find out that Moses has a family history in NZ. Moses’ grandparents scraped up enough dough to send just one of their kids to Auckland to get a better education and that person was Papa Moses.  By doing so,  Son Moses was able to work his way to the United States and that is how he got to where he is now.  No, not on a reality show about weight loss—but successful, educated and happy (I guess).  So, good for him.  This story will be replicated numerous times throughout the show also.  I will call it TSOM (The Story of Moses).  The whole time Moses is telling this story, Kaylee looks absolutely confused.  I assume she knows none of this.  Alison now tells the group they are in for the adventure of a lifetime.  The Sky Tower is the tallest structure in the southern hemisphere.  She tells them to head there and you’ll find a surprise.

Now, that’s a lame ass surprise

Cara is at the base of the tower and she tells the group they need to go to the top.  Not by the elevator, but 1027 steps.  Hannah tells us she’s worried she won’t even make it to the top, and not shockingly, well-rested (and fed) Austin from the Super-Economy-Plus seats says the steps to the top were a fight, but not a bad one.  They get to the top and Ken tells us he is scared to death of heights.  Amen, brother—it was a little uncomfortable for me to even watch it.  I am such a baby.  Bob is at the top and he tells the group there are two ways down the tower.  The hard way and the easy way.  He tells them taking the steps down is the hard way and the easy way is a cable controlled base jump, called SkyJump.  Bob left out the third and quickest way to the ground, which is just jumping or falling, but maybe he didn’t want to give anyone ideas.

Ken’s having a total blast on his vacation

Just then, Jillian is flying around in the sky, screaming and cursing like some weird fitness training apparition who haunts heavy people.  The contestants are all laughing and pointing and Jillian, being Jillian, is really hamming it up and of course, she makes it to the ground safely.  Bob tells the group that they get to pick it.  Moses and Rulon can’t do the jump because the weight limit is 280lbs and they are still above it.  Jay has a heart condition, so he’s out too.  Moses looks seriously bummed he can’t try it.  Ken tells us if Jillian looked that scared, there’s no way he can do it.  Bob completely sympathizes with him, because he’s terrified of heights too.  Jillian reinforces this to us, by saying the only thing that scares Bob more than heights is aging.

LOL—I’ll be here all week—try the veal!

To summarize, they all start out on top and end up on the bottom, without any bloodshed.  Bob screamed like a girl, but he did it.  Ken was the last one to go and after much dramatic music (and a lengthy commercial break), he does it also and Austin is very proud of him.  Once again, kudos to them because the chickens**t typing right now wouldn’t even go up that tower, much less jump off of it.  Then again, there are a lot of things the people on this show do that I wouldn’t.  Exercise, eat right, be nice to others…

The next scene is Bob talking to Moses about TSOM again.  Bob breaks ALL the rules and after explaining how he wants reimbursement from Moses on the roaming charges, gives him his cell phone to call his Dad.  Let’s all hope Papa Moses lives somewhere near the same time zone as NZ or otherwise Moses is going to be greeted by a string of curse words.

Is your refrigerator running?

Next we see the group working on a sail boat, but not just any ol’ boat—it is the America’s Cup boat.  They work hard together and open the sails and WTH?

That woman is EVERYWHERE

So, we get to watch them sailing and they’re all happy and it is all really nice…

“I’M SAILING!!!”

When they’re done racing and sailing and almost taking out a bridge, they meet up with Bob, Jillian and Cara in a field to start their workout.  Ken tells us he wants to talk to Cara because he is very concerned about the lack of serious weight loss on the Green team.  In the meantime, Bob and Jillian pull their teams together to work out together and although I’ve never been a Cara fan, why doesn’t she get to play in their reindeer games?  Cara faces her team and immediately asks, “What’s the problem?”  She sends Austin and Kaylee off to jog while she and Ken have a little heart to heart.  Ken flat out tells her he wants more guidance and doubts her expertise.

Which she takes really well

Wow, you would never see Jillian get all weepy if someone doubted her.  She’d rip out a jugular, but she’d do it with dry eyes.  Cara gets all defensive and starts yelling at him that she’s trying her best.  Ken thinks she has the heart and desire, but the skill?  That is harsh, but as we see, Cara is definitely more concerned about her staying then the success of her team.  We see a glimpse of it now, but spoiler alert—it slaps us in the face later.  Or right now– Cara tells us she wants to prove she’s as good as Bob and Jillian.  Meanwhile, Bob and Jillian take Austin and Kaylee under their REAL expert wings in the workout while the drama is being played out on the other end of the field.

Challenge time!  And what is a challenge without an awesome Alison hat???

Panama Ali

This time the group will be running in a 5k, but it is a lot different than the one they ran on treadmills in Week One.  This one is outside—over hills, through creeks, on the beach, in acid rain, dodging flame-throwers…They have to race as a team and the winning team gets a wonderful prize of a helicopter ride over to a nearby island and I apologize, but I did not catch the name.  Winners will also enjoy a nice lunch on the mystery island.    Moses tells us immediately how badly he wants to win this challenge.  He’s never been on a helicopter before.  Dude—just go on the next Bachelorette.  They do that crap all the time.  And before we know it, the race is on!  Jay from the Black team starts getting hamstring pain right out of the gate and the whole team has to slow down.  Hannah sees the ghost of 5k past and remembers what it was like then.

“You will be visited by four trainers…”

Austin tells us that running in the creek isn’t nearly as easy as it looks.  Everyone’s getting water and sand in their shoes, which is yucky and makes my feet itch just thinking about it.  Jay starts talking about how important this journey is for him and how he wants to be here, etc.  He never ONCE brings up his daughter and wanting her to be there with him.  So, editing or is he a cold hearted snake, look into his eyes?  The last part of the race is this massive dune that almost everyone struggles to get up.  The Blue team is in the lead and Austin tells us the only way the Green team can catch up is all on his Dad’s shoulders.  Irene and Olivia are encouraging Moses to keep up.

He can’t hear his ghost of 5k Past because of the marshmallows in his mouth

Seriously—how good does Moses look now?  Anyhow, the Blue team wins and even though the Black team came in last, Rulon decided a little beachy-touchy action was right for the moment.

I think Hannah enjoyed this just a little too much

So Moses gets his wish to go on the helicopter ride and Irene and Olivia are so freaking nice, they give up their spots to Kaylee so she can hang out with her Dad.  These people are just TOO nice.  They fly around, eat lunch, toast their relatives.  It is very lovely.  And thankfully, does not involve a fantasy suite.  Gather round, folks, it is time for the Last Chance Workout.  In NZ!  Again with the NZ!  Jillian does the warm-up for Bob’s yoga class, if you believe “warm-up” equals complete calisthenics.  Can you believe their doing this in NZ??  And not Cincinnati?  Jillian tells us that Bob’s yoga is brutal.

Mr. Freedom agrees!

At the end of the yoga session, Bob tells the group to take the last two minutes and block everything out.  Then he immediately starts in on how important the weigh-in is and how they don’t want to leave and yadda, yadda, yadda…His idea of blocking everything out is rather hilarious.  After the Bob and Jillian treatment, Cara takes Ken aside to work him out even further.  She does NOT want to go home.  She keeps telling us that and not once does she mention she’s doing this for Ken or any of her team members.  It really is pretty pathetic.  No wonder she beat us over the head with her resume in the first 7 weeks.  She’d never pass the Psyche test for this job.  And it is time for the weigh-in.

Or is it Tribal Council?

Which would be an awesome twist to the normal weigh-in.  “Hey, you lost 50lbs this week, but your kind of a jackwagon, so hit the bricks!”  Austin is sporting a new necklace and Alison spent her down time hunting NZ reptiles.

And succeeded

Let’s do this.  The Blue team is up first and Olivia heads to the scale.  Last week, she was at 174lbs and now she weighs in at 172lbs.  She says she realizes it is only two pounds, but she’s never lost weight on vacation.  HAHA—well, unless you push your spouse over a cruise ship railing, that is.  But that’s really more dead weight.  Irene is next and she goes from 164lbs last week to 161lbs this week.  This girl just keeps putting up big numbers and it is so odd.  Is she 4 feet tall or something?  Because she is still dropping good numbers for such a small girl.  Once again, she has nothing of interest to say on the scale, so Alison shoos her off.  Moses is up next and guess what gets brought up again?  Yep, TSOM.  He says he hopes Kaylee knows she’s got some of her Grandpa in her.  Geez, Moses, this would be an awkward time to tell her she doesn’t have any of that blood line.  CoughMomIsALooseWomanCough.  He gets up on the scale and…

Maybe a little less TSOM and more SWEAT

Olivia is rightfully a little pissed, because her whole team is in jeopardy, but we know that Irene would be safe because of that whole immunity thing for the highest percentage of weight loss.  So…she’s the one in jeopardy.  The Black team is up and they have to lose more than 6lbs.  Jay is all cocky before the weigh-in, talking about his string of sixes and then BAM!  He gains 2 pounds and he’s up to 272.

I wasted good eye shadow for this crap?

And who wears a necklace with their own initials on it?  Maybe that’s just another cool thing I’m completely unaware of, but it reminds me of the monogrammed sweaters from decades past.  I had one, but I thought it was weird.  Rulon is really ticked about Jay gaining weight.  Or maybe he’s just sad because he’s leaving his vacation fling behind in NZ.

Who gave him a permanent love souvenir on his kisser

That’s the second time I inferred Rulon had a wild amorous side.  Just kidding, big man!  You’re wife is lovely and I don’t want her calling me.  Rulon gets on the scale next and loses 7lbs, down to 311.  Hannah is up last and to save the Black team, she needs to lose more than 1lb.  She actually loses 4lbs, down to 164lb, so good for her!  She says she sweats more here.  Where?  NZ, of course!!  The Green team is the last one up and they have to lose more than 5lbs to beat the Blue team.  Kaylee is up first  and immediately Cara tells us that all eyes are on her. Cara, not Kaylee.  Hey, Cara—last time I checked, the show’s title was not “The Biggest Loser’s Trainer”, so shut it.  Kaylee gets on the scale and she was 168lbs last week and this week…172lbs…she gained 4lbs!  Between her gain and Moses’ zero, you have to wonder, what the hell snacks did they serve on that helicopter??  Austin is next and he helps the cause by losing 8lbs and he’s down to 255lbs.  I think that 8lbs came from his solid and expert workout with Bob and Jillian while Cara was crying and screaming at Ken.

The consummate professional

And it’ll all come down to Cara Ken.  He needs to lose more than 1lb.  He was at 253lbs and loses (ding..ding..ding..) 6lbs, so the Green team is safe!   Cara shows such warmth and teamwork with this win, because she’s obviously there to comfort Kaylee who knows her Dad is in serious danger of going home.

Yay, me!  Yay, me!  Why aren’t you clapping??

Man, she is something else.  I was indifferent to her until this week but now I really do not like her at all.  Kaylee is crying because the two up on the chopping block are her Dad and Olivia.  We knew Irene would be safe.  They hold the elimination pretty much right there and Olivia is crying and bringing up her opera career which until that moment, I completely forgot that is what she did.  How in the world have we been watching this for fifty years and never heard her sing?  I want that—pronto!  She says she’s 35 and wants to have kids and she doesn’t have much time left.

If you were a Scientologist, you’d have another 12 years.

And then it is Moses’ turn and we all know how this is going to go.    Which is why I am so sick of parent/child teams on this show.  I want contestants who don’t care a bit about the other players and try to scratch their way to the end.  So, Moses says his time is up and please look after Kaylee and he’s not going to deny Olivia fertilized eggs (or something like that) and like that…(and a majority of the votes), Moses is gone.  He gives the group his “You’ve made me a better man” speech and tears and hugs all around.    Sigh.  So freaking predictable.

Back home, Moses thinks he’s done well, but he is still too heavy to jump off a building.  Which again, technically anyone can jump off a building.  He decided to go back to NZ with his Dad (who is really adorable) and although he’s lost a boatload of weight, he still can’t do the tower jump, but he can bungee jump off the Auckland bridge.  We’ll miss you, Moses!  And please note—his goals are about living his life and doing well health-wise.  He says absolutely nothing about winning the at home prize.  And that’s one of the reasons we love him…

Thanks for joining me!