Hi, everyone! So, last week we lost our first ranch hand, Allie, who instead of going home to her Frankenstein family and receive any more unnecessary surgeries, decided to hang out with former BL success story, hottie Danny. The show spends an enormous amount of time on “previouslies”, which gives me ample notice to finish my beer and wings. Time to get serious. Okay, now everyone at the ranch is feeling pretty dismal, because it was their first elimination and yes, folks, the show is now feeling real. That reality show line needs to go away right with “threw me under the bus” and “I’m not here to make friends”. But I think we can all feel it isn’t easy to send people home—especially those who truly need help. When we at the house voted out Grandma, we felt really bad for a while. Especially since she can’t drive and sometimes thinks she is Liz Taylor. I’m sure she’s fine though.
Yay! No more pureed food!
This week starts back at the house and everyone is talking about how tense it is now. Grandma Tina is telling us how guilty she feels about begging everyone to keep her. Lisa tells us she and Allie will be friends for life. There is a lot of whispering and grumbling (more than stomachs) about Tina now wanting to go home. Tina decides to gather the group together and tell them what is on her mind. In a little game we like to call Charades…
One word, two syllables, rhymes with “shitter”
Yes, our resident elder wants to quit the game. She tearfully thanks everyone who voted to keep her and she feels so bad about sending Allie home, that now she wants to leave. Her little game does not go over well.
Fitter? Mitter? I hate charades!
Frado asks Tina if there is something she feels like she needs to go home to. Tina tells the group that the day before she got called for the show, she withdrew $16,000 out of her 401k to use for alcohol, food and random casual sex, or as we all call it, vacation. The group is understandably pissed. There are thousands of people that want to be on this show and after one elimination she wants to call it quits. They warn her about what could happen.
Quitters get cremated. Turn around and say hello to Susan from Season 2.
The lunacy continues when Lisa steps up and says she is devestated Allie went home and by that happening, it has shortened her stay here, because she wants to go home and take care of Allie. Makes perfect sense. She’s been there like a minute, so why wouldn’t she be capable of becoming the personal trainer/therapist for a deeply damaged and obese girl? If the ranch had satellite, she’d be a Top Chef or a dog whisperer by now too.
I will use my jazz hands to fix her.
So, in the space of just 5 minutes of the 2nd real episode, two people have stood out as big targets. Targets who will not get smaller any time soon and the door will definitely hit them on the ass on their way out. Bob comes wandering in to see how everyone is doing and because the producers gave him the heads up there was actually something going on the house besides rice cake binging. He is understandably upset these nimrods even made it past casting.
I would have Life Coached ‘em
So, Bob does his best “you’re all huge, unhealthy, probably dead in a week without us” speech and gets there butts back in the gym. Jillian is absent from this segment and Bob does his best hard ass impersonation. He puts together a killer circuit.
Circuits? I hate clowns.
Bob tells them since they never know when the scale will come into play, they have to treat every work out like it is their last chance. Bob and Jill get a little commission every time they say “Last Chance”. And since there are no longer scheduled weigh-ins, with a preceding Last Chance work out, they are making much less.
$5.00 per shout out
During the work out, Adam tells us he believes Tina’s actions is making Bob want to weed out any more potential babies, so he’s making the work out extra tough. Everybody really looks like they’re working out to the fullest, because there is crying and vomiting (Jill, you missed it!) and groaning and screaming. Yes, screaming. Apparently, Frado moans and screams really loud when he works out. There is a sex joke out there, but let’s wait a few more weeks before we envision that, okay? In the midst of the sweating and grunting, Jesse decides to back talk Bob. Bob loses his shit and yells that everyone has to do more because Jesse decided to be a funny man. He screams about respect and disrespect. Then this happened.
Bob, respect us. No sexy stuff for a while, k?
After the gym, Bob spends some time with Grandma Tina, looking at family pics and Tina tells him the reason she is here is for her daughter. Her 36 year old obese daughter also tried out for the show, but didn’t make it. Bob tells her the longer she stays and gets healthy, the better she can pay it forward for her daughter. Or Lisa, the newly self-appointed personal trainer to the stars can come live with them. But no, Tina wouldn’t want that. Tina feels encouraged and supported and Bob’s all, “Hey, let’s go on a bender!”
These abs were made for shots!
Yay, Jill’s back! She is very concerned all but one of the women were below the yellow line, so she takes the girls outside the gym for a little girl talk. And for her, that means yelling and spitting. Or yelting as we like to call it. She tells the women they need to get in a warrior war space or something and to pull their act together! She will not let them make her look stupid. That’s what fake diet pills are for.
They meet up with Allison who tells them they are going to be taking tennis lessons from this week’s very special guest, Anna Kournikova. Frado tells us all the guys’ jaws hit the tops of their stomachs (Frado–you’re a little bit away from jaws hitting the floor, so don’t push it) and Mark tells us he used to have a poster of her in high school. One question–who the hell is Mark? I think he’s gotten about 4 seconds in air time and now we have to hear about his private pubescent awakening over a poster?
Mark’s man maker
Anna K works them out on the tennis court and Adam unwisely comments he thought tennis was a leisurely country club type of sport. Adam, that is why you started at 402lbs. Tennis is a bitch. Anna tells us she hoped her tennis lessons were inspiring to the group. Boston Brendan was very sad to see her go.
I know a good way to burn calories, tennis girl.
We hear you, girl.
And it’s time for the challenge! It is obviously tennis related because the show just spent big bucks on getting Anna K out there on Southwest and it is one of those BS challenges where people get ganged up on. In a lightly salted nutshell, the contestants have to run onto a tennis court and pick up a tennis ball and put it in a cylinder marked with another contestant’s name on it. Once the contestant’s cylinder has been filled up by the other contestants, they are out. The winner gets immunity. I don’t like these challenges, because they are designed to target people the stronger alliances want out. But I never returned the producers’ call so I didn’t get to put in my 2 cents.
As predicted, Frado, Patrick and Brendan target Tina. Then the guys target Burgandy and not because of her name. They heard whispers she wanted the girls to come together and put the guys out. How dare she actually try and strategize. So, as if they wouldn’t have thought of it on their own, the guys target all the girls. It gets down to Frado, Patrick and Brendan then to just Frado and Brendan. Despite the constant yelling of “NY against Boston” by Frado, he wins immunity. Adam tells us their little group of three are suspiciously looking like an alliance.
Alliance? Tsk–that’s like saying I keep a little guy on my shoulder!
After the challenge, Allison announces there will be a weigh in the next day. Another surprise weigh in! The power three of Boston Brendan, Frado and Patrick get together back at the ranch to talk game and put any doubts aside there are aligned. Patrick goes as far as saying they feed off each other which makes me wonder if there really isn’t enough food in the house. Frado tells us he doesn’t want to be a game player but to stay there as long as he can to get the weight off, he needs people he can count on. Finally! This is also a game, people. Someone will actually win this thing and it is refreshing to finally hear some of this on this show. Thankfully, the power three did not name themselves. They vow to keep it quiet so no one will gun for them.
It is time for the suprise weigh in and Allison reminds them the yellow line has moved and half of them will be below it.
Mwahahahaha…I am the evil yellow line!
Shut your piehole! I am the star here.
Um, who is she talking to?
Yeah, she does this all the time…whack job.
Since Frado has immunity, he is up first on the scale. He only loses 3lbs and confirms to us he is using his immunity this week as a strategy and hopefully, next week he’ll put up double digits. Or we just found out who ate the case of Yoplait that was supposed to be for everybody! The weigh in goes on for about ten years because of the number of contestants and once again, it does not bode well for the ladies. Adam does the best and he’ll get to save someone who is below the yellow line.
No one is safe with me and my yellow line!
Get a grip, woman! You’re on TV.
Back at the house, Adam tells the group the decision he makes on who gets to stay will be a hard one. Burgandy immediately tracks him down to plead her case. Her case consists of crying and telling Adam she works harder than a lot of the women and she doesn’t understand why she is not losing more. Adam listens patiently and tells her no matter what he decides, she’ll be okay. Translation: Fail, Burgandy.
We do a quick Yoplait commercial with Bob and Tina, making smoothies and that’s all I’ll really say about that. These little vignettes are painful to watch. They tear themselves away from product placement long enough to have another heart to heart about how she is working to stay there. With music and ankles swelling, Tina tells him she needs to take care of herself and she now has the confidence to continue. And end scene.
Back in the gym, Aaron is upset because he fell below the line and Bob tells him he needs to clear his head for the challenge. Jillian pulls Aaron and Patrick away from the rest of the guys to work out with her. She tells us she needs to break up this little jock fest and that she is still the man around here. LOL. She tells us everyone thinks these guys are just so sweet and nice and she’s going to do her best to turn them over to the dark side. Or something like that.
I will beat the niceness out of my feet!
Bob is working with Lisa who is telling him she has a problem being selfish. Anyone who actually says that out loud has no problem being selfish. Just my opinion, of course. She is a Mom and she is embarrassed her daughter does not want to be like her. Let’s revisit the daughter, shall we? This is the messed up little shit who starved herself into the hospital because she didn’t want to be fat like her Mom. Or…she’s a little light on the whole attention game. I think fear of weight gain is just one item on the list of things that need to be addressed with that girl.
Please let me live with Allie and not that little drama queen
Bob and Jill get the group together and tell them to fight hard in the challenge and to stay in this house. Aaron makes the decision he needs to talk to Adam, because Adam can save him. “You know I have a son, right?”
I think the Bwaba tribe know about your son, but okay.
Yeah, his name is London, right?
Actually, it is all pretty sweet and Aaron spells out very clearly to Adam his determination to work hard to stay above the yellow line in the future. Aaron is actually a pretty nice individual, just quiet as all get out. Aaron seems to have hit the right chord with Adam, who is all about his Mom and parents in general, so there is a good chance gave Aaron a good chance to stick around.
And with that, it is time for the challenge. They meet Allison out in the desert and the first order of business is for Adam to announce who he has saved. And it is Aaron! So it’s all women and Brendan doing the challenge. The challenge this week is to dig through huge piles of sand (175 tons to be precise) to try and find the ring. If they find a ring, they are safe. If they are one of the last two, they will be up for elimination.
And that tractor will bury their loser asses right out there in the desert
Which would be a great idea of this was “Biggest Loser or Death”, but since NBC execs are wusses, the losing two will be up for elimination. Elizabeth is the first one to find a ring and it is off to the next big pile. They all tell us how hot it is, how hard it is and how sand is on and in every part of their body. Blech. Brendan uncovers the next ring, but Sophia (yeah, who?) snatches it right out of his hands. She tells us when she saw he had uncovered it, something inside of her snapped and she just felt like she HAD to have that ring. Bitch is a little scary.
Brendan is a little angry at first, but he maturely decides to move on and work even harder. With three people left and only two rings left, it is intense.
See? Don’t I look intense?
And Burgandy gets the last ring. So now, the two people up to get whacked are quitter Grandma Tina and “I’ve learned everything I need to help others” Lisa. They both plead their case right then and there. Nobody was buying it—from either girl. When it is Tina’s turn to speak, Adam just has a look of disgust on his face. He tells us she doesn’t have enough tears to change his mind—Tina put him through anguish last week. Dang, Mama’s boy–that is a tad harsh. During the vote, the above yellow line people get to vote. It doesn’t take long for Tina to get eliminated. So, Lisa can stay around to hone her craft and we get to see Tina’s status now.
Just kidding–she looks great now, so good for her.
A lot of game play this time around, which I must say I appreciate. Until next week…