Greetings, dear readers. I trust your Thanksgiving was a happy one. I sit writing this recap in a cabin outside of Silverthorne, Colorado. To the west lies Copper, to the east Loveland, and to the south Breckenridge and Keystone. To my immediate right, a cold bottle of Never Summer Ale. To my left, a half slice of pumpkin pie. At my feet lie our two dogs: Koko the mutt and Alli the three-legged golden retriever. They have been lying here for the past hour, after tiring of playing audience to the wife’s tales of our day upon the mountain. Thankfully, the wine has ceased flowing and she now lies safely ensconced betwixt the sheets upstairs, asleep and awaiting the new day. Meanwhile, I’ve managed to hack a neighbor’s wi-fi signal so that I may deliver this week’s Biggest Loser recap in the same week the show aired.
And what a show it was. We made up for last week’s inaction with one of the stupidest Elimination Ceremonies ever. Suffice it to say, I am no longer rooting for either Matt or Seth, as they have both proved themselves nincompoops of the highest order. Ah, a nice opening shot of bees, flowers and fountains. I wonder if tonight is the very special “sex talk” episode I’ve been hearing about. For Suzi’s sake, I hope so. Because I’m not sure she’s experienced the true joys of womanhood yet.
Bob is super-proud that Andrea and Suzi have made it to the end. He’s also super-surprised that the players kept Andrea over Dr. Jeff. “Are you guys high?” he asks the other players. “Because if you are, I have this great super-fast super-quick food in the kitchen. Come on, let’s go!” Odds of this being a really lame product placement? 2-1. Odds of it being a product placement for a product I’d actually eat? 20,000,000-1. Yup, it’s Quaker Weight-Control Instant Oatmeal. Bob must be high if he thinks I’m eating that crap. Unless one of the flavors is Raisins-N-Crack. Then I might be interested.
Later, Jillian is walking outside with her boys, reminiscing about their first days at the ranch, like when she made Matt run up a small mound of dirt and he started getting cramps and threw up all over the bushesÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ Yeah, good times. Jillian puts them through a few more exercises for old time’s sake. Seth says he’s starting to feel better about wearing clothes. Which is bound to make his neighbors feel better about letting their kids spend time at Seth’s pool.
“There’s a fire in me again to exercise and be more active and a desire to help people,” says Seth. “I can run now. I ran five miles yesterday in an hour. I feel like I was sick when I was overweight, and now I feel healthy. I feel like I’ve been healed.” All hail St. Jillian the Rude! Healer of the Sick! Melter of the Fat! Eater of the Worm!
While Seth is genuflecting and lighting candles, Matt’s talking to the camera in the Diary Room, wearing some odd hybrid of the Puffy Shirt. “Going into the finals, I feel like I’ve got some competition. But I never doubted I’d be in the final group.” Other things Matt’s never doubted: gravity.
Now we get to watch Bob reminisce about his time with the girls. He says the real challenge for them that day was just walking down to the gate and back up to the house. Of course, the way I remember it, the real challenge was figuring out a way to recap this show without relying solely on fat jokes. In flashback mode, we see Suzi trying to run back to the house. Holy god was she flabby. She’s like the anti-Danni from Survivor: Guatemala. I swear, her flab had flab.
Over some footage of Matt working in the gym, Jillian tells us she knows he’s been struggling lately with the monotony of his workouts. She says she feels bad, because it’s her job as his trainer to change things up so that he stays motivated and working as hard as he can. “So, I came up with a plan,” she says, explaining how she wanted to dip Matt in turkey entrails, and then turn him loose in a room with three pit bulls. And the turkey’s family. When the producers put the kibosh on that, she went with Plan 9: Wrestling!
Matt walks into the gym and sees a mat set up on the floor. Hey, that reminds me: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the ground? Matt! Man, I hope Matt and Jillian are going to wrestle. My money’s on Jillian, though, as she has the bigger balls. Plus she cries less.
Before Matt can even start crying, though, a stereo salesman comes out from the back and tries to stop him. Too late. Which means either it’s someone Matt knows, or he just realized he hasn’t cried in five minutes, and it made him sad. Turns out the guy is Matt’s old high school wrestling coach. And he has the voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Which is kind of ironic, since after leaving school his Matt developed a Pillsbury Doughbody.
Suddenly, another guy comes running in and jumps him from behind. Relying solely on battle-hardened instincts honed from his two tours in the Golden Corral, Matt slams the guy down on his back. Hey, it’s Aaron, Matt’s old wrestling buddy! The three friends reunited, Coach reminds them about the importance of having a goal, “whether it’s winning wrestling matches, getting your life in order or just being able to see your thingie when you’re in the shower.”
It’s Challenge Time! The teams meet Caroline at a building with four scaffolding ladders running up the side. Next to each ladder is a safe with a player’s name on it. Players take their positions and await Caroline’s instructions. The bad news: The twins are contained. The good news: She’s sporting a tiny camel toe. Yes! Since coming to the ranch, you’ve all undergone an incredible transformation,” she tells the remaining contestants. “You’re healthier, you look younger, and you’ve added years to your life. But now, we’re taking you back to that first day at the ranch.” What, the producers sprung for a Way-Back Machine?! Kick ass! No, but the players do have to put all their weight back on. Just like the Gluttony guy in Se7en? Kick ass!
Unfortunately, the players don’t have to eat their weight back either. Instead, Caroline tells them to open their safes, which weren’t even locked in the first place. So why have a safe? Stupid. Inside the safe is the amount of weight each person’s lost: in quarters! Looks like they’re gonna have to eat something after all. I hope it turns out better than that time Peter Griffin tried to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by eating nickels. He went blind. Of course, if that happened tonight at least Suzi would have an excuse for her hair.
The players have to dump the quarters into a back pack, then climb the scaffolding erected on the side of the bank. (Heh, I said erected.) The person with the best time wins the amount of money in their pack. For those of you keeping track at home, 20 lbs of quarters equals $400. Suzi has to carry 61 lbs ($1220); Andrea has 44 lbs ($880); Seth has 80 lbs ($1600); and Matt has 99 lbs ($1980).
Matt wins pretty easily, which really isn’t fair because the producers didn’t make him put his old hair back on. If I were one of the other players, I’d call Shenanigans. Caroline congratulates Matt for making it to the top faster than anyone. And then makes him cry by saying he hasn’t won yet. Okay, I rescind my Shenanigans.
Caroline says she told the players that the person with the best time would win. But she failed to mention her definition of “best time.” In fact, the person with the best time difference between the race they just had and the one they’re about to have will actually win the money. Other things she failed to mention: How totally awesome cool this recap is.
The players have to climb the ladders again, this time without the quarters. The person who beats their original time by the biggest margin wins the money. Matt knows he’s screwed, and secretly begins plotting the death of Caroline and her first-born male child. (When I first typed “male” in that last sentence, I accidentally typed it as “meal” which, when you think about it, is funny on a whole ‘nother level.) At least he didn’t cry. “Crazy little twist,” says crazy little Suzi, as she takes off her backpack and starts looking for 48 milkshakes to quench her thirst. Andrea, because she sucked so bad the first time, makes up the most time, and wins $880 in quarters! Yay Andrea! Bubble gum’s on you.
Back at the ranch, it’s time for our Last Last Chance Workout. (It’s the last because after tonight’s Elimination Ceremony, the three remaining players will be sent home to live on their own for a few months before coming back for one final weigh-in.) Jillian is wearing some stupid plaid bucket hat and keeps walking around yelling “let me see your last chance!” I think she’s having flashbacks to Sorority Rush Week. To make things even more surreal, Matt and Seth are having a Last Chance Workout-Off, much like the infamous “2004 Dance-Off between CNN’s Tucker Carlson and Comedy Central’s John Stewart.
Bob, meanwhile, is also taking the girls through their Last Chance Workout. Unfortunately, it really is a workout. Where’s the Zen, Bob? Remember the Zen? His last chance to teach these girls something and all he does is have them exercise? It’s times like these I miss Dr. Jeff’s vaginankle. At least that was always good for a cheap laugh at the end of a paragraph.
It’s time for the final Weigh In. Suzi says she’s nervous, you know, because it’s the final one. Maybe she should put those nerves to good use and throw up. That might be enough to keep her above the yellow line. Andrea goes first, losing 3 lbs for 1.70%. Seth is next, losing 7 lbs for 3.32%. Before weighing Suzi, Caroline says she can’t help but notice Suzi’s not wearing her “little cat glasses.” “Nope,” Suzi squeaks. Turns out she was just wearing those glasses as a shield. “I thought people would notice them, and not notice my fatness, and now I’m like, I want ‘em to notice me, and not just the glasses.” Wait a minute, Suzi wore glasses?
Suzi loses 5 lbs for 3.01%, which puts Andrea below the yellow line. Since only one person’s left, she knows she’ll end up in the bottom two. Again. Matt needs to lose seven pounds to put Suzi below the yellow line. Otherwise, he’ll be joining Andrea on the chopping block. “Seven pounds,” Matt says. “Do I have it in me?” Let’s hope not, Matt, since the object is to get it out of you. How long you been playing this game? My snark is moot, however, since Matt loses 10 pounds, for a total of 4.17%. To celebrate, he gets on his knees and kisses the scale. Matt says it reminds him of winning his first state title in wrestling. Except for the whole being fat part. AndÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ he’s crying. Aren’t athletes supposed to be tough? I swear, watching Matt this season has been like watching a Dick Vermeil press conference.
Matt’s loss is Suzi’s loss, and she joins Andrea below the yellow line. As upset as Suzi is about the possibility of being sent home, Andrea’s even more so. “I’ve been the underdog since week one,” she says. “I’ve worked hard and I deserve to be in the finals.” I’d agree with you Andrea, if it weren’t for the fact that everyone else lost more weight than you did. Suzi, meanwhile, is trying to put a happy face on the situation, and says she never came here to win the money anyway. She really came here to, say it with me, “change her life.”
At the Elimination Ceremony, Caroline says that while they all deserve to be here, only one of them can win the title of “Biggest Loser”. At that, she asks Matt to reveal his pick. Matt says he has to make decisions based what’s going to get him further in the game. “When you have an opportunity to take out a bigger threat, you have to act upon that,” he says. “And in my mind, one of these ladies is a bigger threat than the other.” Come on Matt, just show us your Suzi vote. She loses more weight than Andrea every week, which obviously makes her the bigger threat. Send her home already!
“But tonight, I’m not up for elimination,” he continues. “I’m not fighting for my life in this house anymore. What I’m fighting for now is $250,000!” Yes! Finally, someone admits they want the money. By the way, ADMITTING YOU WANT THE MONEY IS A $250,000 INDUSTRY! Matt says the way for him to win the money is to keep the best competition, knowing they’re going to be working hard and losing weight. So, he votes to eliminate Andrea and keep Suzi. Whawhawha?! Wow, guess he doesn’t think too much of Andrea’s work ethic.
Seth tells the others he feels making the final three is an honor. And for that reason, he’s also voting to eliminate Andrea. WTF?! You idiots voted out the one person you were guaranteed to beat. I hope Squeekie kicks your ass now!!!
As is her custom, Caroline tells Andrea the other players have decided she is not the biggest loser. Andrea, of course, feels she’s a winner any way you look at it. “I’m leaving here a better wife, and a better mother, and a better woman, and I’m grateful to have had this opportunity.” She thanks Suzi for being her friend, then tells her to kick the guys’ ass. “Don’t even worry,” Suzi says. She’s not, Suzi, she was just being nice. Even though the guys kept the wrong person, everyone knows you don’t have a chance. But I’m still pulling for you. The two girls say they love each other, but evidently not enough for any hot girl-on-girl action. Too bad, because I’d bet the clump of Matt’s hair I bought on eBay that Caroline would’ve jumped right in.
Caroline congratulates the remaining players for making the final three. Now, after three months at the ranch, they’re being sent home to live on their own. And a few months from now, they’ll be brought back for one final weigh-in. The winner of which will walk away with a $250,000 prize. Brought to you by Jell-O. Jell-O? What happened to Diet-Rite? Speaking of which, what happened to Andrea’s Diet-Rite Transformation segment? They don’t even show it tonight. Instead, you have to go to NBC’s website to see it. What did Diet-Rite do to piss off NBC so badly?
One at a time, the players go to the gym to say good-bye to their trainers. Suzi goes first. She tells us she was so glad to see Bob, to show him that she had made it. At least that’s what I think she said, as she was squeaking so badly my dogs started barking at the TV, my cat coughed up a hair ball and a bird flew into my window. Also, I think my kidneys stopped functioning for a few minutes. Bob gives her a big Zen hug. “Great things are happening, but at the same time, sad things are happening,” Suzi says. “And so, how do you deal with both emotions at the same time?” Duh, you don’t, silly. You just ignore the sad ones. Don’t you remember anything about being fat?
Bob says he wants to introduce Suzi to someone she used to know. At that, he spins around a life-size cutout of the old Suzi. New Suzi makes the hex sign to ward off the evil spirit. She can’t believe how bad she looked. “It was not me,” she says. “But it was me. But it wasn’t me. But it was meÃ¢â‚¬Â¦” At that, her head spins around, smoke pours out of her ears and she emits one final squeak. Finally, the evil Suzi-bot is dead! Actually, only a little smoke comes out of her ears before Bob distracts her by jingling a shiny object next to her cutout. I gotta say, it really is amazing how much better she looks. “Forget about the game,” Bob tells her. “Just live the life that we created. And you will come back naturally thinner, and you are going to blow everybody’s socks off. Because if any girl can win this game, it’s you.” Suzi tells us she walked into this house single, and she’s walking out single. But she’s not afraid anymore. Wait, did she think this was a dating show? How funny would that’ve been? Too bad they cancelled Joe Schmo. That would’ve been an awesome third-season premise. (Ashes to ashes, Dust to Dust, Goodbye Suzi, You’re dead to us.)
Seth is up next. Jillian tells him to have a seat, then asks him if he remembers this person, before revealing a cardboard cutout of Wayne Gacy. Nah, it’s a cardboard cutout of Seth, complete with pregnancy stretch marks on his belly. He finds the whole thing funny. “I remember feeling sorry for myself that I was so big,” he tells Jillian. “I felt literally like I was busting at the seams. And you can see that I was.” He thanks Jillian for all her help. “I did the work,” he tells her. “But you paved the way.” Ugh! Did BobbieZen write that line? Jillian has no doubt that Seth will continue what he’s started at the ranch. “Does he need me?” she asks. “I don’t think so. Not anymore.” Aw, turns out Seth is just like every other man Jillian’s ever wanted.
Finally, it’s Matt’s turn. I hope Jillian has some tissues. Jillian shows him the life-size Matt cutout. And he cries. “I felt bad for the guy I was looking at,” he says. “Because I was there. That was me. Literally. And it’s tough to see yourself like that. I’m surprised I didn’t pop.” He kisses his cutout on the forehead, and tells us “that old Matt’s dead. That was my closure.” Jillian tells him “I almost can’t conceive of the transformation.” Other things Jillian can’t conceive: children, for her insides are a rocky place, where H.I.’s seed can find no purchase.
The players now are on their own. Next week, we’ll get to see how they’ve fared the past few months away from the ranch, with no supervision and nothing to keep them from falling back into their old habits. So who do you think will win? Matt? Suzi? Seth? The twins?