Extreme Makeover: Biggest Loser Edition.

When you think about it, villains are what make life more interesting. Which is why The Biggest Loser is becoming harder to recap with each passing week. There are no real bad guys for us to hate. I mean, I wouldn’t share an elevator with Suzi, but that’s only because her constant squeaking makes it sound like she has a severe gas problem. As for the rest, they wouldn’t be unpossible to like. What’s the worst we can say about them?
Suzi: Squeaks too much.
Matt: Cries too much.
Andrea: See Matt. Plus she has stupid eyebrows.
Shannon: Divas too much.
Dr. Jeff: Has a vagina for an ankle.
Mark: Thinks girls are dirtballs. Except Jen, who was just a dirty girl.
Seth: Wait, there’s a guy named Seth on this show…? Dr. Jeff is upset that they made him stay last week, but he swears he’s going to make the most of it. Jillian says, “He owes it. To Pete. To keep going. And. He owes it. To. Him. Self.” (Is it just me, or is Jillian’s delivery becoming more Shatneresque every week?)

Bob decides to take the teams swimming. At least that’s what the guys think. The girls, however know better. Because when Bob says “swimming” he actually means ancient Chinese water torture. (Side note: As retina-burning as seeing the contestants in their bathing suits was, worse still was the sight of Jillian’s pasty-white thighs. Pass the tanning butter, here comes a stingray!) Shannon tells us, “Now that we’re duos, we’re doing a lot more group workouts. And the guys are in for a treat.” Is Shannon referring to a little afternoon diva delight, perhaps? God, I hope not.

Another photo-finish.

Bob, meanwhile, is encouraging the contestants to take a dump in the pool. Actually, he tells them to “make a splash! One big splash!” Funny thing: this is the same thing my brother and his wife say to my nephew every night at bedtime. Why they tell Trev it’s time to “make a big splash” instead of time to “take a dump” is beyond me. The kid’s four years old; he knows what “dump” is.

Time for this week’s Temptation Challenge. The players find a giant cake waiting for them in the gazebo. On top of the cake is written: “Dig in to find your temptation.” Thank goodness Jennifer W. from The Apprentice wasn’t in charge of this cake, or it might have read “Dig in to find your tethtation”. How confusing would that’ve been? After hesitating for about a second, everyone dives in and they find a certificate for a free group makeover at the Cristophe Salon in Beverly Hills. Having never been to Beverly Hills, and having the grooming skills of an orangutan, I’ve never heard of Cristophe’s. But if it’s anything like the SuperCuts here in Colorado Springs, I’m sure they’ll do a bang-up job. They just won’t brush the hair off you afterward.

Unbelievably, Matt admits he’s never had a makeover. Even more unbelievably, he admits it’s been over 18 months since his last haircut. No! Seth says he doesn’t need one. Funny, that’s not what Carson K. told me last week when we were shopping for sleeves to jooje. Finally, Dr. Jeff asks the question on every guy’s lips: What do you wear to a makeover? Besides a thong, of course.
In the salon, Mark tells Christophe to do whatever he wants. Andrea, who’s a hairdresser by trade, tells Christophe to do whatever she wants. Matt is scared, and simply says he doesn’t want a mullet. Yeah, cuz that mandanna is working so well for you, Matty.

After the contestants get their hair done, they head over to the photo studio, where they’ll be gussied up for a special photo shoot for Prevention magazine. The best shot will be featured in an upcoming issue. Of course, Shannon is crossing her fingers she gets a couple of “money shots” so she can get the cover. Um, if it’s money shots you’re after, Shannon, I don’t think you should be crossing anything.

Matt is even more uncomfortable at the photo shoot than he was at the salon. Lighten up, Francis. You can put the mattdanna back on in a minute. Seriously, Matt’s level of discomfort made the guys sitting in my proctologist’s office last week look like they were on ecstacy. Except they still wouldn’t hug the doctor. Or shake his hand afterward. Anyway, the women are chosen for the cover, which should be hitting newsstands any day now.

Back at the ranch, Andrea is upset and crying. Turns out she just realized they’d forgotten to fix her eyebrows at the makeover. Actually, she’s missed someone’s birthday. It’s now Bob’s job to cheer her up. Drawing upon his deep knowledge of the I-Ching, Bob tells her, “You’re here changing your life. You’re not just losing weight. Haven’t you seen the opening credits to the show? Damn, bitch.” Another crisis averted thanks to Bob’s journey along the Universal Path.

It’s time for this week’s Immunity Challenge, the winners of which win the DietRiteNoChanceInHellOfEliminationZeroImmunityThingie. This week’s challenge seems pretty simple: a bike race to the top of the hill. But wait, there’s more! Not only will the winner receive immunity, they’ll also get a prize that’s even more priceless: a chance to spend an evening with a loved one. That’s right. Hiding behind each bicycle is their very own loved one. For some reason, Caroline keeps asking the contestants if they’d like to see what’s behind their bike, rather than who. What? Is one of the contestant’s loved one actually a big wheel of stinky cheese? If so, I bet it’s Dr. Jeff’s.

Speaking of the good doctor, when his 16-year-old daughter pops out from behind his bike, you hear one of the women off-camera congratulate him on having such a young wife. Awkward! Of course, it’s not as awkward as Dr. Jeff asking his daughter if she liked the ten pounds he lost for her Sweet Sixteenth birthday. Yeah, thanks Doc. You really helped her put those skanks from My Super Sweet Sixteen in their place.

Each person has to pull their loved one up the hill on the bike. To make matters worse, they’ve added extra weight to the bike, so the contestants are actually pulling an amount equal to their own weight. Thank goodness nobody’s loved one weighed more than they did. Otherwise, Caroline might’ve had to hack off one of their limbs. Although come to think of it, that might’ve made tonight’s episode a bit more interesting. Not to mention given us a new villain.

Last one to the top has to watch Shanghai Surprise!

Seth is worried about Matt. Matt is worried about Seth. Both are worried about Prince Charles, who’s worried about global warming. Evidently, nobody’s worried about the women though, as the producers have them starting from the second row. Although in retrospect, they should’ve been worried about Dr. Jeff’s inability to ride a bike. Damn his vaginankle! Eventually Seth wins, giving he and Suzi immunity for the second week in a row. Plus the chance to spend the night with their loved ones: Seth’s wife, and Suzie’s ghoul sister.

That night, Seth and Suzi make a healthy dinner for their loved ones. By Suzi’s own admission, they talk about calories the entire time. If they start talking about how steamed broccoli is the secret to removing body Thetans, I’m outta here. Last thing I need right now is someone trying push Xenu all up in my ass.

At the Last Chance Workout, Mark tells us he and Andrea are the team to beat. Foreshadowing! Dr. Jeff says he’s a team of one: “Just me, myself and I.” Which technically is a team of three, but Dr. Jeff has never been one to get caught up in technicalities. That’s why he’s a doctor.

At the Weigh-In, Caroline is sporting some crooked cleavage. Looking at it reminds me of Paula Jones’ testimony. Except in a totally non-penile fashion. Seth and Suzi are immune — again — and it’s a good thing, as they put up pathetic numbers — again. Next up are Shannon and Matt, who lose 2.53% of their combined weight. Dr. Jeff, a weight-losing Army of One, drops another ten pounds, or 3.40% of his weight. That means Andrea and Mark need to lose more than 11 pounds to be safe. Instead, they lose just three, for a grand total of .66% of their weight. Yay, Matt’s safe! Matt’s safe! Matt’s safe! Mattdannas all around. Except for Mark and Andrea, because one of you are going home.

Mark is pretty philosophical about the loss: “We got crushed. By everybody. Seeing how we got crushed so bad, there’s nothing I could’ve done.” Except maybe lose more weight. Hmm… Did I say philosophical? I meant stupid.

Later, when it’s time to plead their case, Andrea takes a strange approach, telling everyone she feels like the biggest pawn in a chess game. “Don’t keep me here because I’m not a threat, or because I don’t have a chance to win,” she says. Isn’t that the same thing? “You guys work your asses off, and it’s crappy to keep me here just because I’m an easy person to beat.” Yeah! Although that is kind of the point of the game. Like I said, it was strange.

Mark’s pitch isn’t much more coherent: “I work hard. I want to stay. I mean, I don’t want to go home.” Well which is it, mister? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground?

Matt thinks that keeping Mark is better for him in the long run. However, his partner Shannon thinks if Andrea leaves, she and Suzi are next. “As of right now, the only way I’m going to be happy is if we vote for Mark,” she tells the camera. And nobody wants an unhappy Shannon.

At the Elimination Ceremony, Dr. Jeff says Andrea’s “pawn” remark upset him. Not as much as that time Andrea and the other girls threw tampons at him in the shower when his vaginankle started to bleed, but still, he was pretty upset. So upset, in fact, he was voting to eliminate Andrea. Suzi and Seth vote to eliminate Mark because they feel he’s the bigger threat. That means it’s down to Matt and Shannon. Matt tells Caroline he and Shannon couldn’t come to a decision until right before the ceremony. “We couldn’t decide, but a decision had to be made, as a team.” Translation: I have no balls. Sorry Mark, but it looks like you are not the biggest loser.

“Mark has been as special and as true of a friend as you’ll find here, and it crushes me tonight to have to say his name,” Matt tells Caroline through his tears. And yet, you did. Way to stand up for your friend, Matt. Are you that afraid of pissing Shannon off? Come on, man, she’s a diva, not The Punisher. The most she can do is throw a couple finger snaps your way.

Mark’s okay with Matt’s puss-out decision, though. We know this because he tells Matt not to worry about it. Eight times. I don’t know about you, but if anyone tells me not to worry about something eight times, I’m going to worry about it. Especially if that someone is a cop.

This week on the BEST DAMN WEIGHT LOSS SHOW PERIOD…

Later, Mark tells us he knows he was eliminated because of his success: he’s lost 87 pounds so far, and promises to be somewhere between 190 and 200 pounds the next time we see him. Unfortunately, he only makes it down to 228. That means he’s only lost 130 pounds since the show started. What a loser. As a final bonus, Mark can finally fit into his bullet-proof vest again. And his car.

Next week, Matt gets a haircut. Although why he waited until the week after the makeovers to unveil it is something we’ll have to wait and see.