For Pete’s Sake.

What’s an episode of The Biggest Loser without an unsubtle reminder that the show isn’t just about losing weight. It’s also about inspiring nations. And changing lives. Such as the life of Aaron from last year, who’s lost 60 lbs since his time at the ranch. His secret? Getting rid of his car and getting two dogs. Why two dogs? So they’d each have something to hump besides his leg.

After last week’s Elimination Ceremony, the girls have to tell the guys they voted to eliminate Jen. Needless to say, the guys are pissed, especially Mark, who leads the men in the most shocking walk-out ever. (BTW, walking-out is a $50 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!) Mark goes so far as to tell Andrea “don’t ever talk to me again. You guys are the stupidest people I know. And that’s all I know.” God, MENSA members can be so cruel. Mark’s not very nice either. Later, Mark and Shannon are seen outside trying to talk out their differences. Mark wants to know what he can do to make Shannon feel comfortable around the house. Shannon’s answer? The perfect cheer. Too bad Mark’s saving it for someone else.

The teams meet Caroline in the Elimination Chamber. Caroline starts to talk about this being a numbers game, pointing out that, according to the Scale-O-Tronic 4025‘s numbers, Pete and Shannon are their team’s biggest losers. Meanwhile, according to public opinion numbers, Nick is still humanity’s biggest loser. She also tells them that as of now their teams are gone. Wha wha wha?! Later today, the contestants will be divided into four teams, three male/female and one male/male. Each team will still compete in challenges, just like before, but at the Weigh-In, the team with the lowest percentage of weight lost will be up for elimination. The remaining players will get to vote out one member of the losing team. The surviving team member will then have to perform Cartman’s rendition of I’m a Little Teapot whilst wearing a beard of pubes: “I’m a little piggy, here’s my snout. Oink, oink, oink. Oink, oink, oink.”

Obviously, people are upset. But perhaps none more than SFPD’s finest, Mark. “It kind of floors me. I don’t like anybody on the girl’s team,” he says, displaying a wit unworthy of Dusty Harry. “I deal with dirtbags at work, but I don’t feel like dealing with them here. You tell me I’m gonna be pairing up with one of them, and it makes me sick.” Thanks Mark. I’m sure Suzi, Andrea and Shannon appreciate being compared to San Fran dirtbags like The Zodiac Killer and Michael Savage. At this, Suzi cries (no surprise), while Andrea and Shannon express their disgust with Mark. Caroline tells ‘em all to suck it up. “I’m stuck in a fat ranch with all you dirtbags, and you don’t see me or the twins crying, do you? Bitches.”

Temptation Challenge time. The winner of today’s challenge will get to pick the new teams, which could be huge. To participate, the players have to choose a silver platter, only one of which has the winning card. The losers have to eat whatever’s inside their platter. Everyone decides the chance to pick the teams is too important to pass up, except Shannon and Dr. Jeff. Shannon is afraid having the power to pick the teams will only make the bad blood between her and the guys worse. Dr. Jeff, meanwhile, passes because he told his wife he’d never participate in a Temptation Challenge. I can’t wait to see what happens when they tempt him with hookers and gin. Pete ends up winning, meaning the rest of the players have to eat whatever’s under their lid. Suzi gets Twinkies, then complains she doesn’t like Twinkies. Not like Twinkies?! COMMUNIST!!

Before making his decision, Pete asks the group for their input on the new teams. Matt and Seth both say they want to be on the same team, which pretty much guarantees they won’t be. Haven’t they ever heard of reverse psychology? Dr. Jeff doesn’t care. Shannon is upset the guys don’t respect the girls as a team, and as people. Hey Shannon, maybe they’d respect you more if you ever won. Just a thought. Suzi squeeks that she wants someone who will “push me.” With any luck, off a bridge. Mark says he’ll take Suzi. Evidently, he already has the perfect bridge in mind. I hope he has the perfect cheer to commemorate the occasion.

Pete takes a walk and talks to himself a lot while deciding the teams. Channeling his inner Peter Parker, he tells us with great power comes great responsibility. Not to mention a shot at Mary Jane. Hubba hubba! Suzi and Andrea, meanwhile, are upstairs trying to convince Shannon the reshuffle will be good for the women. Which shouldn’t be too hard a sell, because as a team, they kinda suck.

Pete decides the new teams will be Matt and Shannon (Team: Beauty and the Beast), Andrea and Mark (Team: Dirtball), and Suzi and Seth (Team: Who Gives a Shit?). This means Pete is teaming himself with Dr. Jeff, who’s totally blown away that Pete picked him. “Despite all my physical limitations, my age, my lowest percentage of weight loss among the guys, Pete still has faith in me.” Yeah, Pete’s gullible that way. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he still believes politicians really want to help people.

Caroline tells the new teams to take an opportunity to get to know each other. Matt tells Shannon not to be offended if he doesn’t talk to her. “I feel if you can talk, you need to be working harder.” Guess this explains Matt’s aversion to dirty talk during sex. Although he did ask Shannon if she was wearing the panties her mother laid out for her.

Bob and Jillian are shocked at the new developments. To her credit, Jillian immediately steps up and offers to train anyone who wants the help. Mark says no thanks, he’s going to be training with Bob from now on. At that Jillian dares him to leave her, before using the Force to crush his trachea.

Matt seems excited about the chance to get to know Shannon. “We’re two different individuals, from two different cultures,” he says. “There’s millions of things for me to learn, and I’d be an ass not to take advantage of it.” Other things Matt’s an ass not to take advantage of: shampoo.

Time for this week’s Challenge. The winning team gets surfing lessons at the Westin Resort and Spa in Maui. They also win the new Diet Rite Zero Elimination Pass, so named because the winners have zero chance of being eliminated at the next Weigh-In. They also have zero chance of ever being taken seriously if this shows up on their curriculum vitae. In this challenge, the teams are divided into Holders and Fillers. The Holders have to hold a rope attached to an empty bucket. The Fillers must run to the ocean, fill their smaller buckets with water, then fill up a Holder’s bucket. If the Holder lets their bucket touch the ground, they’re out. The last Holder left wins the trip and immunity for his team. The Fillers work together and eliminate Pete first. Why Pete? Who knows. I’d say they were picking on the fat guy, but…

In flashback mode, Seth tells us his plan for world domination beating Matt: “Once it was down to Matt and I, my strategy was just don’t let go.” Brilliant! Amazingly, Seth’s plan works, and he and Suzi win.

Back at the ranch, we learn that Matt’s uncle died. His father told him his uncle’s family wants Matt to stay at the ranch, so that’s what he’s going to do. Personally, I doubt Matt’s tenure at the ranch is high on their list of priorities right now, but whatever. Jillian congratulates him for taking something painful and negative and turning it into an opportunity. Matt’s uncle was young; too young to have a heart attack, and Matt vows it’s not going to happen to him. I hope the producers aren’t foreshadowing here…

At the Last Chance Workout, Jillian tells the guys she doesn’t care if their legs fall off. Later, she tells them she doesn’t care if they die on the floor, at least they’re going to die looking good. Evidently, in Jillian’s world, it’s better to be legless and handsome than breathing.

Pete says after working out with Bob, he and the other guys have a new respect for the Zenmaster. Still no respect for Shannon and the girls, though. Or the mullet.

Time for the first ever Duo Weigh-In. Even though they have the Diet Rite Zero Elimination Pass, Suzi and Seth weigh in first. Good thing they’re immune, as Suzi only squeeks out a few pounds (and an air biscuit on the way to the scale, if mine ears don’t deceive me), while Seth drops a goose-egg. Surprisingly, nobody’s as upset about Seth’s zero as they were about Matt’s last week, including Seth. Hell, he didn’t even go outside and pee pout.

When it’s Andrea’s turn, Mark finally unveils the perfect cheer: “2, 4, 6, 8, come on Andrea lose big weight!” Guess it must have been too hard to rhyme something with dirtball.

In the end, Pete and Dr. Jeff lose 2.88% of their weight; Mark and Andrea 4.18%; and Matt and Shannon 4.63%. This means either Dr. Jeff or Pete are going home. Almost immediately, Dr. Jeff starts telling everyone to send him home. He’s met his goals, and he feels Pete deserves to stay more than he does. Especially after Pete refused to stack the teams in his favor. I don’t know why he thinks they’ll comply with his wishes, though. After all, if they didn’t send him home last week when they found out he has a vagina for an ankle, they’re sure as heck not going to send him home this week just because he asks them to.

Outside, Mark and Andrea are trying to decide who to eliminate. Amazingly, Mark starts to cry. See what happens when you hang out with dirtballs, Mark? Next thing you know, you’ll be squatting to pee.

At the first ever Duo Elimination Ceremony, we’re finally treated to a shot of The Biggest Loser‘s most famous duo: Caroline’s twins. Damb!

Matt says his uncle’s death has made him realize that this is all a huge game, and therefore he and Shannon are voting out Pete. Poor Dr. Jeff. If only Matt’s aunt had died, maybe he’d have granted your wish. Seth and Suzi, however, vote for Dr. Jeff. That means it’s up to Mark and Andrea, who tell Caroline that despite Dr. Jeff asking to be sent home, they’re voting to eliminate Pete. Dr. Jeff is obviously irritated. That, or he just has sand in his vagina ankle. As Pete leaves the room, Andrea adds insult to injury by yelling “Bye bye bitch-tits!”

In the Diet Rite recap, we learn Pete has lost 137 pounds! (That’s not a typo.) And his wife’s a screamer.

So what do think? Did the other players do the right thing in making Dr. Jeff stay against his wishes? Will he pull an Osten if they don’t vote him out next week?