This season-ending Biggest Loser recap is brought to you by a blend of cold medicine, unsobriety and the ethereal musical stylings of Rasputina, who, in addition to being one of my favorite bands, are also playing here in town the same night as my office holiday party. Stupid job!
To start off tonight’s live two-hour finale, the announcer gives us a brief recap of the season: “Nine months ago, 14 people arrived at this ranch with one common goal: to lose weight and change their lives forever.” Okay, not to get picky in the first graph, but that’s two goals. Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I’m going to get picky in the first graph. That’s what B-Side and J-Unit pay me to do, isn’t it?
*Crickets*More from the announcer: “Doctors, police officers, single mothers, men and women all came together to see who could lose the most weight. And see who could become The Biggest Loser.” A third goal?! I’m calling Shenanigans on the announcer.
On the bright side, it’s just two minutes in, and we’ve already seen footage of Matt crying three times. Why do I get the feeling this is going to be tearier than Rose and Bernard’s reunion last week? Oh yeah, because it’s Matt.
At stake tonight? $250,000 to the person who’s lost the highest percentage of weight. And the proud title of Biggest Loser. Let’s meet our three finalists: Matt, a former collegiate wrestling star who believed his best days were behind him. Suzy, a hairdresser who spent her whole life
squeaking believing she was a thin girl trapped in an overweight body. And Seth, a father who put his family first and watched his health fall by the wayside. Wait a minute. Seth put his family’s needs before his own? That bastard! Not only do we learn Seth is a selfish Sally, he’s also captain of the obvious: “I can’t focus 100% on family, 100% on schooling and 100% on fitness.”
Of course, the final three aren’t the only ones weighing in tonight. All of the evicted contestants are also coming back for a chance to win $100,000. And one last gander at Dr. Jeff’s vaginankle.
Now that the announcer’s finally done yapping, it’s time to meet our hostesses for the evening: Caroline Rhea and her twins. Holy crap! Who did her hair tonight, RuPaul? Caroline has never looked more like a famous muppet than she does at this very moment. And what’s with that lame entrance? No jumping out of a plane, no hacking through a jungle, heck not even a motorcycle ride. Speaking of which, can you imagine how much more fun this show would’ve been had Probst been the host? “Step it up Losers! Your fat asses are on the line!”
Before bringing out the contestants, Caroline reminds us that “tonight is about losing weight the old school way: through diet and exercise only.” And here I thought the old school way was leeches. Damn my gypsy grandmother and her carny ways!
The evicted players are brought out in the order they were given the boot. First up is Ruben, who is totally hamming it up for the crowd. And these folks are eating Ruben up! They simply cannot get their fill. (Okay, that’s my last Ruben pun.) He’s getting way more applause than the first boot deserves. I can’t believe the crowd is still hungry for more. (I lied.) Kathryn comes out next, and the crowd goes silent. Does the audience know she’s a lawyer? Ryan looks good. Suzanne looks annoying. Jen’s still making faces. Pete is simply amazing. Mark’s bouncy arms make him look like a marionette. Shannon’s not too shabby. Dr. Jeff is wearing a suit. Andrea looks good, too. Best of all, she fixed her eyebrows. Yay Andrea!
Caroline welcomes everyone back. Everyone except Nick, of course, who thought it’d be funny not to show up for the reunion show. (For those who don’t remember, Nick is the exception to the rule that America loves to laugh at fat people.) Caroline says, for the first of many times, that she feels she’s hosting a beauty pageant. Yeah, we get it Caroline, they’ve lost weight. But if you’re not going to make them wear a thong, sash and heels while telling us how they’d change the world, stop with the pageant comparisons. You’re just getting my hopes up.
On the first show, each of the contestants revealed a goal item they’d brought with them into the house. Caroline asks Suzanne about her goal item, which was a wedding dress. “Of course, look at me today,” Suzanne answers. “I look fabulous and great and my wedding dress does fit.” Yeah, her body. Unfortunately, now she can’t get it over her big fat head.
Next up we get some footage of Matt, Seth and Suzy’s homecomings. Thank goodness, too, because it’s been over ten minutes since we’ve seen Matt cry. All of the contestants are worried about how they’re going to get along back in the real world. After all, they’ve changed their lives, and everyone else at home is still the fat lazy slugs they’ve always been.
Matt returns to Victor, Iowa, a typical small Midwestern town. By which I mean everyone is plus-sized. I feel right at home. Suzy’s friends and family are in Seattle, and they’re all wearing “Suzy Rocks” shirts. And Sarah Gilbert is there. Suzy tells everyone to form a line, she has some major hugs to hand out. She says something else, but since my Closed-Captioning doesn’t translate Rodent, I have no idea what it is. At Seth’s reunion, his wife looks really worried. What will the new Seth look like? She is totally shocked at the transformation, telling us later she feels it’s like the beginning of another chapter in their story: the most boring story ever told.
Back in the studio, all the contestants have changed into their workout clothes for the weigh-in. But first, Caroline brings out the trainers, Bob the Zenmaster and Jillian, who actually resembles a human woman for the first time all season. We also get some highlights of the players’ interactions with the Scale-O-Tronic 4025. Which, of course, includes a shot of Matt crying.
Time to start weighing. As always, the person who’s lost the greatest percentage of total weight wins. But tonight they won’t win immunity. Instead, they get $100,000. Not quite the $250,000 the real Biggest Loser gets, but still not bad. Before each contestant is weighed, we get the obligatory recap of their time on the ranch. I won’t bore you with the details, as I’ve already spent the last 12 weeks covering this crap. I will, however, give you the totals: Ruben lost 81 pounds/29.14%. Kathryn lost 16 pounds/7.37%. (Of course, she’d already lost 15 pounds when she was eliminated, which means she’s lost a grand total of one pound since she left the ranch. Go Kathryn!) Ryan lost 78 pounds/34.67%. Suzanne lost 87 pounds/37.99%. Not quite the 100 she’d promised to lose, but damn! She’s now in first place. Jen lost 91 pounds/34.08%. Pete is up next. At least I think it’s Pete. Dude lost 185 pounds/46.13%! Unbelievable. He’s lost an entire copygodd over the past nine months. Mark needs to lose 166 pounds in order to beat Pete. He loses 165/46.09%. That means he just lost $100,000 by one friggin’ pound! I bet he wishes now he’d taken a bigger dump before weighing in. That is one expensive non-poop. Shannon’s turn. She lost 108 pounds/42.02%, which means Pete’s still winning. Dr. Jeff lost 153 pounds/41.35%. (He’d have done better, but his vaginankle was retaining water.) Andrea is up last, but her 75 pound/34.09% loss isn’t enough to beat Pete. Pete wins $100,000!
Okay, enough about the not biggest losers. The next hour is all about Matt, Seth and Suzy. (Yes, we still have an entire hour left to go.) We get lots of footage of the three at home, and their struggles to keep losing weight. I’ll hit the highlights in the order they were presented.
At a Chinese restaurant, Suzy can’t find anything to eat. And her friends certainly aren’t helping matters by trying to get her to taste all their meals. Finally, Suzy can’t take it anymore and leaves the table. Bye-bye bitches! Suzy’s also having trouble avoiding late night temptations.
Seth is working really hard, until one morning his son has a seizure while he’s playing with him. Seth says it was really scary for him, so he ate a burrito. Personally, I’d have called 911, but that’s just me.
Matt’s training for a mini-triathlon, and he’s wrestling again. His goal is to make the Olympic team. During practice, he and another wrestler butt heads and he gets a concussion. His doctor wishes he’d pick a non-contact sport. I’d suggest swimming. At least then we couldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t tell when he was crying.
Suzy feels alone. She won’t let her friends and family in. But she is letting Jell-O in! (Because there’s always room for Jell-O.) Suzy squeaks to her mom that she needs some help. Her mom reassures her that her friends and family are there for her. To prove her point, she tries to get Suzy to taste her funnel cake pancakes.
Seth and his wife are eating in an Italian place with fuzzy paintings. Why in the world would NBC blur restaurant paintings? Idiots. His wife says that while so much has changed about him Ã¢â‚¬” his clothes, his weight Ã¢â‚¬” there’s so much that’s familiar. Like his face. It’s really familiar. It’s almost as if it belonged to the man she’d married. Seth says he has the love back for himself that he has not had in so long. God, it’s a good thing I’m not on this show. Fear and self-loathing are the only things that keep me going. That, and alcohol.
Speaking of alcohol, Matt is going to a bar with some friends. Growing up in small-town Iowa, Matt says he started drinking when he was 13 years old. Growing up in small-town Ohio, I started smoking pot about the same time. Further proof that Ohio kicks Iowa’s ass! Matt’s sober now, though, which makes his time in the bar a bit uncomfortable. One of Matt’s friends wants to know who they should toast to: the biggest loser, or the biggest crybaby? Matt’s friend is totally awesome!
Suzy’s feeling good. Her size 10 jeans are loose right out of the dryer. When she gets down to a size 8, she asks us if we want to see her butt. I said no, but she sticks it up in the camera anyway. Then she does a little Suzy rap: “What’s that, what’s that, huh?” Good question, Suze. What is that? Besides embarrassing for all Caucasians, of course.
After a few more
boring motivational montages, we’re ready for the final weigh-in. We’re reminded that nobody, not even Caroline, has seen the contestants yet. (Although I’m pretty sure the twins peeked in on Suzy when she was changing.)
Seth is brought out first. And right off the bat, he’s gettin’ jiggy with it. Dude is thin! He shows us his abs, which would be more impressive were it not for all the saggy skin. Yuk. I bet that’s a real turn-on in the bedroom. Suzy comes out next. And she looks great. Although judging by her behavior, I’m betting her weight loss is due as much to crystal meth as it is diet and exercise. Whatever. She makes a pretty hot tweeker. Finally, it’s time for Matt to join the fun. He looks great too. Damn, maybe I should try getting a transgendered trainer next time.
Matt says he had to find new challenges in order to keep motivated. One challenge has been sobriety. And he’s proud to say he’s been sober for nine months today. Congratulations, Matt. And I’m being sincere when I say that. Really, I am. Stop looking at me like that! Suzy says every time she wanted to eat a fourth fudgestick, she would think of the other girls. And how she didn’t want to look like them. Girl-power rawks! Seth tells us his strategy in the beginning was to fly under the radar, which doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t make much sense since this isn’t a strategy game. Oh, that SethÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Time for the final weigh-in. Bob and Jillian come out for one last look at the three. Caroline asks Bob to explain how he got through to Suzy. Bob slips into total Zen mode and says he had to get Suzy to realize she couldn’t go back to her old life. “It was like fitting a circle in a square peg,” he says. More Zen talk. “I needed her to know she was the new improved version of who she is now.” Obviously, Bob did not prepare his answers ahead of time. Let’s see if Jillian does any better when it’s her turn to explain how she motivated the guys. “They’re animals,” she says. What? Her answer makes even less sense than Bob’s. And she doesn’t even have Zen to blame it on.
Caroline tells the contestants that because their transformations have been so inspiring to everyone in the country, Jell-O has decided that the three biggest losers should all leave here as winners. So the runner-up will get $50,000 and third place will get $25k. Not quite the $100,000 Pete won last hour for getting voted out earlier than they did, but who’s complaining. Besides Debbie Downer, of course.
Since Matt was the biggest loser at the ranch, he gets to pick the order they’ll be weighed in. He picks Seth, Suzy then himself. Seth started out at 291 pounds. Tonight he weighs 168 pounds. He lost 123 pounds since the beginning, or 42.27% of his total weight. Seth’s crying. Hey, that’s Matt’s schtick.
Suzy started at 227 pounds. To take the lead from Seth, she needs to lose at least 96 pounds. She only loses 95 pounds, or 41.85% of her total weight. Another one-pound miss. Don’t these people ever poop?! This puts Suzy below the yellow line and out of contention.
Matt is up last. He started at 339 pounds, which means he needs to lose 144 pounds to beat Seth. He loses 157 pounds, or 46.31% of his total weight. Matt wins! Matt wins! Matt wins!
“I’m so happy.”
And, amazingly enough, he doesn’t cry. But, just for funsies, let’s pretend he did.
So what did you think of this season? Will you miss the further adventures of Zenmaster and Vaginankle as much as I will? Is anyone looking forward to The Biggest Loser: Special Edition starting in January? If not, any suggestions on what they’d like to see me recap instead?