Losers Never Quit.

For some reason, I’m having a hard time coming up with a clever intro for this week’s recap. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m totally hungover. Or maybe it’s that, for some strange reason, my Tivo decided to record the first few minutes of According To Jim before switching over to The Biggest Loser midway through the opening credits. According to me, my Tivo sucks. Whatever. Soy un perdedor, baby, so why don’t you kill me… Or at least read the rest of the recap.Bob meets with the Blue Team to cheer them up after another loss. Andrea feels a lot of pressure, and, in classic Zen fashion, Bob tells her to find strength in the pressure. He also tells her to pull his finger. Bob’s funny that way.

Meanwhile, over at Team Stalin (you know, cuz they’re Red), Seth tells us that ever since Mark lost 17 pounds last week, he’s been a cardio animal. Mark’s been working out an extra five hours a day. A day! I’m lucky to work out five extra hours a year. Hell, who am I kidding. I’m lucky to work out five hours a year, period. Jillian wishes Mark would lighten up a bit, telling us she’s worried that if Mark keeps working out this much, he won’t eat enough, which will slow down his metabolism and send his body into “Survival or Starvation” mode. I’m pulling for Survival mode, as we haven’t seen nearly enough puking this season.

Time for this week’s Temptation Challenge. If the contestants eat a piece of chocolate cake, they have a one-in-three shot at winning $2,300. Suzi describes the cake: “It wasn’t a normal piece of cake. It was like four slices of cake in one. It was huge.” This is especially impressive coming from a girl who drank 48 milkshake shots a few weeks back. Dr. Jeff is thinking about eating the cake. “I looked at the Blue Team, and it didn’t look like any of them were going to bite. No pun intended.” None taken, my dear doctor. None taken. However, since nobody on either team was biting (pun definitely intended), the producers slipped a note under the door. Pete tells the group it’s another limerick, which, of course, it isn’t. (I know this because there was no mention of a “man from Nantucket.”) The producers make the challenge even easier, telling the contestants they now have a one-in-two shot at winning the prize. All they have to do is eat the damn cake! Mark fingers the icing, but that’s as close as we get to any guy-on-cake action. Too bad too, as it turns out the prize also included a stationary bike hooked up to a video screen for a virtual exercise experience. No fair! I just ate a piece of chocolate cake and all I got was gas.

Later, Mark is getting chatty with Jen in the workout room. Of course, Jen isn’t supposed to be talking to anyone on the Red Team, as the women look at fraternization as a sign of disloyalty. Meow! Still brimming with confidence from his 17-pound loss, Mark tells Jen he’ll beat the Blue Team this week by himself. Will those words come back to bite him in his rapidly-shrinking-but-still-quite-substantial ass? Enquiring minds want to know. Afterward, they made the beast with two backs.

You will believe a large man can fly.

Meanwhile, Jillian is working on Dr. Jeff’s ankle. Seems he had reconstructive surgery on it several years back, and he’s still afraid to use it. Physician, heal thyself. Or at least shut the f*ck up about your stupid ankle.

Bob tells his team the next challenge is going to be uphill and strenuous. Although not necessarily in that order. To prepare, he tells them to put on their nastiest shoes and meet him outside. Unfortunately, Suzi misunderstands Bob’s request, and shows up wearing this. Awkward! Especially since Bob is wearing the same pair. As Bob is also the president of his local Kate Bush fan club, he sends his team running up that hill.

Not to be outdone, Jillian tells her team they’re taking “a little hike.” Of course, this is the same Jillian who refers to the Trail of Tears as “a walk around the block,” so the team knows they’re in trouble. “Look, there’s buzzards waiting for us,” she tells the guys in a misguided attempt at motivation. “And there’s a hearse waiting at the bottom for your fat asses.” Man, she really needs to work on her people skills. Dr. Jeff says he can make it, as long as Jillian can get him back down with most of his skin still attached. Seth tells us they had to go straight up the hill, but there’s no trail when you go straight up. So that’s why it’s so hard to get into heaven. Everyone makes it to the top, even Dr. Jeff, although Jillian did have to push him. Literally. With both hands. On his butt. When it comes to the last rock, Dr. Jeff says he can’t make it because the surgeon who reconstructed his ankle accidently replaced it with a vagina. Jillian gives him a final boost, and the team relaxes on top of the hill. As Matt tells us, “In life, you’re always climbing a mountain.” Except, you know, when you’re heading back down.

Time for this week’s Challenge. Caroline meets the teams at Universal Studios. But where are the twins? Suzi says they have no idea what to expect, but they see a lot stairs and escalators. Which go uphill and can be quite strenuous. Maybe that’s a hint?

“Tonight’s challenge will be different than any other,” Caroline tells the contestants. “There will only be one person representing their teams. And the winner will get $5,000 to share with their team.” The winner also gets to pick which member of the Red Team has to sit out during the weigh-in. Then Caroline introduces them to the challenge: The Mother of All Stairs. Not to be confused with the Mother of All Escalators, which would make this challenge a lot easier. The first player to race up and down the stairs 10 times wins. Ten times works out to 2,280 stairs. I did that just this morning. No wait, that was 2,280 burps. (Yeah, I’m super-popular at the office.) One final twist: the teams get to pick who on the other team will be taking the challenge. This makes Matt mad, as he really wanted to run the steps, and he’s sure the girls won’t pick him. He’s right, as they pick Mark. The men pick Camryn Manheim. Unfortunately, she’s not playing, so they settle on Andrea.

It looks like Mark’s 45-hour-a-day workout schedule finally caught up with him, as Andrea totally kicked his ass. In fact, she lapped him with three laps to go. Girls win! Afterward, Caroline gives Andrea a fake hug, the kind you give your really stinky aunt, the one who always smells like sour cream. Speaking of stinky women, one of the best quotes I ever read was when a reporter once asked Robert Smith of The Cure what he thought of Madonna. “She looks like she smells,” was his answer. Of course, my all-time favorite rock quote has to be from the late Freddy Mercury, overheard backstage at a concert: “Bring me another boy. This one’s spent.”

Bob is so excited about the Blue Team’s victory he decides to show them how to make a “low calorie dessert to satisfy their sweet tooth.” Who talks like that? Oh yeah, Zennie McBuddha. The treat? Chocolate Pudding in a Cloud. Basically, it’s Jell-O chocolate pudding (the chocolate pudding) in a cup of whipped cream (the cloud). Taking a big bite, Jen asks “who needs a man when you have Jell-O pudding?” Judging from the look on his face, Bob is obviously thinking the same thing.

What’s this? Fatty-Fat-Cam? At 1:12 am, Matt sneaks down to the kitchen and rustles up some extra grub. If he’s not sleep-eating, he’s got some ‘splaining to do.

At the Last Chance Workout, Matt confides he’s a little worried. “I always want to feel we’re going to win the weigh-in, but we’ve had two big weeks in a row. To have a third big one, it would really surprise me.” Probably not as much as it would surprise his team to discover his late night channeling of Hurley, though.

The girls are wearing matching blue t-shirts that say “I (heart) Bob” on the front. What you don’t see is the shirts say “Bob’s Big Boy” on the back.

Time for this week’s Weigh-In. Since they won the challenge, the Blue Team gets to pick a member of the Red Team to sit out. Mark says if they pick him, the Red Team is going to lose. “But if they don’t pick me, we’re going to win. Because I am going to put up some mad numbers tonight.” He’s also going to put his hands in the air and wave ‘em like he just don’t care.

For some reason, Caroline is wearing a red raincoat for tonight’s Weigh-In. Indoors. Isn’t that bad luck? And if it’s not, shouldn’t it be? Before the Weigh-In starts, she reminds everyone it’s not total pounds that count, but rather total percentage of weight. As savvy TVgasm readers Shelley and TV Freak pointed out last week, shouldn’t immunity also be decided by percentage of weight lost, instead of total pounds? Stupid producers.

Andrea only loses two pounds this week, which isn’t good, since she’s already on thin ice with the girls anyway. Well, not too thin ice, of course. “In the real world, two pounds is great to lose in a week,” she tells us. “But here, it just doesn’t make the grade.” Considering I just lost two pounds taking a dump from that chocolate cake I ate earlier, I find it hard to feel sorry for her. Although I do feel sorry for my wife, who now has to deal with the odor wafting down the hallway.

Overall, the women lose 13 pounds, for a total of 1.57% of their combined weight. Is that another loss I smell? Nope, just me.

For some reason, the girls decide to make Seth sit out. I guess the producers are trying for some misdirection, as we haven’t seen Seth do a damn thing this week. And since Seth loses 10 pounds, while Mark (who’ve we’ve been led to believe is a weight-losing machine) only loses four, it looks like the girls might have chosen correctly after all. Mark, of course, is shocked that he only lost four pounds. “I burned 10,000 calories in one day!” he says. “Guess I must have built a lot of muscle this week.” Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.

Up next is The Biggest Loser‘s version of Survivor: Pearl Island‘s Rupert: Matt. Or, as I like to call him, Super-Biggie-Sized Rupert. Amazingly, Matt doesn’t lose any weight. Zero. Zip. Nada. He’s so upset, he won’t even slap hands with his teammates. Instead, he puts on his clothes and walks out. Holy crap! Is Matt quitting? Don’t go Matt, I take back the Rupert joke. Matt!

After the break, we see Matt is still standing outside. And it looks like he’s peeing. I hope he doesn’t offer to slap hands with anyone now. Everyone on both teams feels bad for the guy, which is odd, as nobody felt bad for Jen when she put up a goose-egg a few weeks back. Whatever. Eventually, Matt comes back in, and sure enough, nobody offers to touch his hands. Caroline asks him how he’s feeling, and he’s so verklempt he can’t answer. Thank goodness Mark is there, who uses his SFPD Perp Walk experience to position the Red Team around Matt to protect him from the cameras so he can cry in peace. Unfortunately for Matt, this season the show’s producers sprang for a VISA Skycam, and we get to watch him cry from high above. Oh, and from behind too, when the MasterCard “Priceless” Backcam kicked in. I just hope Diners Club doesn’t have a Cam. I’d hate to see where they have that thing set up.

Back to the weighing. Dr. Jeff loses 11 pounds, and Pete loses 13. Guys win! Not counting Seth’s ten pound loss, the guys end up losing 28 pounds, or 2.29% of their total weight.

Since Suzi is this week’s biggest loser (with just five pounds!), she’s exempt from elimination. As always, Caroline tells them they have until tomorrow night to decide who’s weighing them down. The Blue Team walks out of the gym in slo-mo as the guys give another “Go Red Team” cheer. Later, we find out this really upset Suzi: “Do these guys even have a glimpse of what we’re going through right now? They’re cheering and yelling and we pretty much have to go to a funeral. Three weeks in a row. Like, simmer down, you know?” And somewhere in a McDonald’s Drive-Thru window, Cheri Oteri feels a sharp jab in her side.

Bob is crushed to learn his team lost. Again. He feels a real sense of failure, that somehow he’s failed his girls. Which, when you consider he’s in charge of their workouts and diet, he has. Andrea says if it were any other week, she’d feel better about the loss. Isn’t that pretty much the same thing she said when they lost last week? How quickly they forget. Speaking of which, Bob says he can’t remember the last time he’s felt this bad. Uhm, last week maybe?

Jillian asks Matt if he wants to talk about his zero. Since she knows he’s been working out extra hard with Mark, she asks him about his diet over the past week. Matt admits “a couple of nights, at around 2 or 3 in the morning, I’d wake up, starving hungry, and I’d go make breakfast.” This makes Jillian angry mad. If only she’d taught her team how to make the Pudding in a Cloud! Matt promises to do whatever Jillian tells him next week. No more, no less. Hopefully, she’ll tell him to wash his hair and stop wearing that stupid ski cap all the time.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Suzi are talking about who to vote off. Of course, Andrea thinks Jen should go, because she’s “easing back into her friendship with the other team.” That bitch! Oh, and if Jen doesn’t get voted off, Andrea will be. Yeah, there is that.

Mark tries to reassure Jen, telling her if the Blue Team eliminates her, they’ll lose for sure. Jen is upset, saying “Andrea had this great challenge day, and I haven’t had anything like that.” Well, other than that time you won all the money in Vegas and Andrea didn’t win anything. But still, I totally feel your pain.

At the Elimination Ceremony, Andrea votes for Jen, who makes a face (yes!) before returning the favor and voting for Andrea. Suzi votes for Jen, which means it’s all up to Shannon. If she votes for Andrea, it’s a tie and the men get to decide who leaves. Again. If she votes for Jen, she sends her friend packing. Shannon talks about how much she loves Jen, then promptly votes her out. Jen tells the team it’s okay. “It was your decision as a group,” she says. “I felt it all day. Sorry I didn’t spend the afternoon with you guys, but I spent it with some people I thought would most appreciate my time.” Snap! Turns out Jen is just more comfortable with the men. “I want everyone to know they’re (the men) not out to get you,” she says. “If you could just give them a chance, they’re not that bad.” Except for Dr. Jeff, of course, who has a vagina for an ankle. That’s pretty bad.

Jen shows the group her mad face.

For her final words, Jen tells the women she hopes their decision is a good one. “I hope the weight I would’ve lost is not more than what you’re going to gain.” Two snaps! And a bag of chips! Jen bids everyone adieu, and leaves the room as her cooler goes dark.

Once again, Caroline tells the women she doesn’t want to see them in the Elimination Ceremony next week. Why does Caroline hate men? Suzi tells her “if it’s womanly possible” they’re going to win. And if it’s manly possible, I’ll be here to recap it.

Finally, in our Diet Rite look at Jen, we learn she’s lost 72 pounds since first coming to the ranch. And, apparently, both of her bosoms.