Biggest Loser: Spandex is a RIGHT!

***This is the first season we’ve covered this show in a long time , but it’s certainly not the first time you’ve asked for it! Please welcome CurliSue to fill all your recap bingeing needs!

Welcome readers, to the seventh season of The Biggest Loser! I, Curli Sue, am HONORED to be your guide of the biggest season yet, on the biggest blog, in the biggest internet, comprising the biggest cyberspace. This is just all out B.I.G. Huge, gigantic, mondo, mega, supersized, grand, grandE! I have a behemoth post for the 2 hour premiere after the jump!

Does this sportsbra make me look fat?

OK, back to the big picture (hiyo!). Let me set the scene – I’m currently sitting in a giant elastic sweatsuit, with the contents of my fridge spread out in front of me on my coffee table. Dim the lights, turn on NBC and let’s get ready to (watch other people) lose weight! Wait – what’s this? It seems my TV has all this static…no…it’s only Jillian and Bob doing a scare tactic intro about how the US is fat and gross and we should quit smoking and take the stairs – or something like that. I didn’t really catch it because the sound of my chewing Reses Puffs cereal drowned it out. Well, Jillian finally got to me with those devil eyebrows right when I was attempting to fold and stuff an entire pizza down my throat. Fine, you win – I’ll attempt to be healthy during show hours only. Does typing count as exercise?

Does punching skinny people?

Now the omniscient narrator introduces us to the contestants, and by “introduces” I mean the camera pans their stomachs and thighs. To give you a sense of how big this season is – the combined weight of all the players is OVER 3.5 TONS. That is more than a large commercial truck, or a DINOSAUR! Right, I knew you’d relate more to the dino image. Don’t let those small T-Rex arms deceive you, let’s just say they were “big boned” in the back if you know what I mean.

Not only does this season boast the heaviest cast – it has the oldest couple (63 years young, even though they look 80), the heaviest female contestant, youngest contestant (18), and heaviest contestant EVER. The narrator is stating these facts like they’re a good thing…for NBC. Alright, we’re not even done with the inspirational song/montage/credits and I’m already crying and emotional eating. I wonder if NBC has this soundtrack, along with a CD of Jillian screaming, because just the sight of her on the cover will send me running to a treadmill.

This season the teams are “couples,” BFF’s, sisters, cousins, mother/daughter, father/son, mokeys/pigeons (JK!). Here’s a brief rundown of the players:

Team Silver (my fav): Carla & Joelle – BBF’s with sass! They refer to themselves as “Team Get Glamorous” or “Team G Squared” or “Team Silver Bullet” or my favorite – “Team Black Women with Attitude, Flair, and a Mean Walk in Sportsbras and Spandex.”

Team Blue: Filipe & Sione – Cousins, who say that in Tonga, being big is a good thing. I know where I’m going for Spring Break.

Team Orange: David & Daniel – Best friends

Team White: Estella and David – Geriatric Husband and Wife. Here’s a diet tip – remove the dentures.

Team Black: Dane & Blaine – Cousins, and yes those are their names.

Team Red: Nicole & Damien – Fiancées who want a new look for their new life. This bride ‘aint wearing no Wera Wang-Bryant.

Team Pink: Helen & Shanon – Mother/Daughter, eh they’re blonde, that’s about it so far.

Team Green: Laura & Tara – BFF’s and former models who are doing this to get attention from the boys! That’s healthy!

Team Brown: Ron & Mike – Father/Son, they showed a pic of the second son, equally as fat, who’s at home. That must’ve been a rough rock, paper, scissors game.

Team Purple: Cathy & Kristin – Mother/Daughter who look identical thanks ot their middle America “fashion-forward” haircut and highlights. (READ: Posh wouldn’t attempt this fuckery.)

Team Yellow: Mandi & Aubrey – Sisters who are doin’ it for themselves!

Life on the ranch begins! We see the chartered bus roll up (slowly) to the 24 hour fitness gym. There hasn’t been this much product placement since Tyra starting selling ad space on her five-head. Why are these contestants so excited to see the gym? Do they not understand that this is where fun, and potentially humans, come to die? Our host, Alison Sweeny, announces that they’re about to have their first workout, but there’s a catch. (Feign surprise.) The contestants have to workout WITHOUT the trainers. The contestants look at each other, at the equipment, and back at each other. They don’t have a fucking clue. And by “no fucking clue,” I mean it’s as if someone handed you a bomb and said, “Cut one of the wires…I’m not sure which one.” Let me give you some highlights of this “workout”: there’s some light stretching, throwing a ball back and forth, and a lot of sitting.

But wait a minute…the trainers are watching on candid camera! They are not pleased. My favorite reaction had to be when Carla attempts to hold herself up on the parallel bars. Bob’s pained expression while whimpering “oh sister, no!” really ads to the scene – as well as the producers’ decision to fake shake the camera as she tumbled to the ground. The trainers have had enough and storm into the gym. The contestants respond like they’re the Jonas Brothers – they are going apeshit.

The trainers start to talk about what’s in store, but suddenly we see Jerry’s not feeling too well. A medic comes in, tells him to take some deep breaths, but all of a sudden Jerry collapses! Not like Jane Austen Victorian faint – like full on slumps to the ground. The medic then continues to instruct him to keep breathing and open his eyes. Here’s a hint – maybe someone should actually get a REAL doc to take a look at the man who could potentially be dead. Not much use telling a corpse to breathe… The real medical professionals arrive and take Jerry away, but make Estella stay for the weigh-in. I like how Jillian says “This is about life and death.” Knowing NBC, they probably drugged Jerry and staged it all to get that one line in.

Here’s an actual case of “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

OK, we have to forget that an elimination could be due to DEATH, and get back to the game! Bob and Jillian start to pick their teams. Bob picks silver, who in turn pick blue, and so on with red, pink and brown. Jillian does the same: white, black, green, orange and yellow. Uh-oh, purple’s left without a team, but wait Alison announces that they get to pick their trainer! Oh the twists and turns! They choose Bob, since they think he’s hot. How do these women not see he’s gay? How? Even Jerry saw it and he could be in a coma for all we know.

It’s now time for the first weigh-in. The walls of the gym part to reveal what looks like a revamped “Who Wants to be a Millionaire: Laos” set. Here are the team totals:

White: 242 (Estella)

Pink: 540

Purple:

Yellow: 512

Red: 650

Green: 579

Blue: 736

Black: 777

Brown: 818

Silver: 688

Orange (last, duh – they can barely walk to the scale): 847

This is what the diet has come to…eating yourself.

When Daniel – the biggest contestant at 454 lbs, gets on the scale and sees his weight – he said “something finally clicked.” JUST NOW? Better late than never, I guess.

Next the contestants have their first REAL workout. I love how they intercut between Bob and Jillian – where Bob looks like the best guy ever and then back to Jillian – who looks like exercise Gollum. I love how in her gym they posted quotes of hers on the wall – such as the classic “I will push you until you quit” or “I’ll just flat out fucking kill you.” Oh no, Laura’s starting with the theatrics, wheezing, coughing, whatever. I love Tara (her teammate) and how she gives her tough love – “You’re not the only fat chick in the room, cupcake!” I think the word “cupcake” at this point in the game is so telling. But before we can go on, NBC needs to make some money. Bob blabs on about some armband that counts calories taken in and expended. I would’ve bought one, but the cast of 90210 already beat me to it.

Jerry’s back! I’m surprised he didn’t pass out again when he found out Jillian was his trainer. With everyone back in the game, the contestants head out for their first challenge. I seriously wish I were a producer for this show – they are paid to think of these truly mentally challenged challenges. So here we are, on one side of a bridge in downtown LA. What’s in the middle, preventing the contestants to just run (or waddle) straight across? Yes, a giant mound of sand. Yes, like at the beach…except on a bridge. Alison explains that this bridge represents their future in the game – where the end is their new life, but in order to get there, they must overcome obstacles (read: sand…?). And they’re off! Since everyone’s running at roughly 1 mph I’ll speed things up. The black team wins, and with that win come immunity! Hooray!

The next day, the contestants head to Cedars-Sinai Hospital to get the results of their medical exams taken earlier in the week. To sum it all up – everyone’s fat and unhealthy. Moving on. It’s the last chance workout and Joelle is doing a whole lot of running…her mouth. Maybe that helps with the double chin. The workout ends, and the contestants are herded to the truck scale for their weigh-in.

Alison, in another shocker, states that there will be no elimination, BUT (and this is a big but/butt) the 9 teams who fall below the yellow line for percentage weight loss will have to choose one member to go home. That member may only return to the ranch if their partner is still in the game after 30 days. Is it just me, or is Alison looking a little chunkier than the start of the show? Someone get her a color tshirt, and throw her in the mix. Brown team wins the weigh in with an astonishing 54 lbs lost! Here are the rest of the pounds lost:

Black: -34

Silver: – 24

Orange: – 26

Red: – 35

White: -34

Yellow: -25

Purple: – 31

Pink: -25

Green: -34

My favorite line of the night goes to Ron – who says that winning the weigh-in was like “all the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders.” GONG! What a pun. Now the 9 teams have to deliberate. We see each team member talking, saying that they should be selfless and send themselves home, blah, blah. But then there’s Carla who keeps it real, declaring “I WANT TO STAY.” This is one hot bitch. Here are the individuals going home:

Pink: Shanon

Blue: Sione

Green: Laura (Thank God)

Yellow: Aubrey (In her hug goodbye we see she has a HUGE back tat…sexy…kind of…OK not at all)

Red: Nicole (Maybe we’ll finally hear Damien speak)

Orange: David

Silver: Carla (WHYYYYY?? But she doesn’t leave without threatening Joelle that if she’s not on the ranch, she has to answer to Big C)

Purple: Cathy

White: Estella

I’ll have the steak AND the lobster.

OK cue the hugs, tears, slow-mo, and Sarah McLaughlin. What are we in some sort of Senior Year Memories video? If so, then that could be the main reason why I’ll still be watching. Next episode looks promising, because for the first time in 7 seasons…BOB LOSES HIS SHIT! Oh and in other news, Lindsay Lohan’s entering a convent, Obama’s actually a very tan white man, and they’re now offering ice-skating and snow cones in hell.

Be sure to check this all out, Tuesdays at 8/7c on NBC.