The Thin Yellow Line

Man, what a disappointing week I’ve had. A big project I was working on got shot down. The release of my favorite winter beer, Never Summer Ale (from the Boulder Beer Company) has been delayed. And it was a pretty low-key episode of The Biggest Loser. On the plus side, at least Shannon was killed. To paraphrase the Godlewski sisters, “Gahwd, she was so annoying. Anyone seen our backpacks?”Ha! Betcha thought I was talking about The Biggest Losers’ resident diva (or diva-r, as she likes to say), Shannon, and not that insecure tutu-wearing brother-sleeping-with deader from Lost. Serves you right for cheating on me with other shows. I know I’m still the new guy here, but that doesn’t mean you can treat me like a side of hormone-free organic beef. New meat has feelings too, you know.

Anyway, with just a few weeks remaining before the Live November Finale, the remaining players are concerned about what’s waiting for them in the gym. New team assignments? Cleveland Steamers? The reanimated corpse of Ted Bundy? Despite their trepidation, they head down to the gym to find out.

Caroline greets the teams with the news they’ve been dreading: the show’s been cancelled. Actually, she tells them there are no more teams. From now on, it’s every fatty for themselves. Of course, with the new setup comes new rules: At the next Weigh-In, the two people with the lowest percentage of weight lost will both drop below the yellow line, and thus be eligible for elimination. (By the way, what’s with Caroline’s fixation on the yellow line? She mentions it so often it’s like she’s pimping a new edition of I.P. Freely’s classic text.)

Caroline shows the players where they stand as of right now: Matt’s in first, and Andrea is pulling up the rear. Andrea tells us: “Seeing my name as number six, the bottom, the last one, just made me go, ya know? Game on. It’s the comeback of the underdog this week.” Since when did Andrea start channeling Markus?

But wait, there’s a catch. The results of the Weigh-In will be based solely on the last week’s performance, not the player’s cumulative loss. Which means the last few minutes have been unnecessary drama. Caroline wishes them a great week, then takes the twins out back for a quick game of motorboat.

Back at the ranch, Jillian starts to cry when she learns Mark was eliminated. Despite her best efforts, she’s now lost two men in a row, and it’s beginning to remind her too much of her senior year in high school. She is happy it’s an individual game now, however, as she can cater to the players’ needs better this way. As the great philosopher B-Side once said, “I like to dip my sushi in soy sauce, somebody else likes the hand roll. It’s a wonderful world.”

This week’s Temptation Challenge wasn’t really much of a challenge, unless you count eating M&Ms and throwing a softball to be physically demanding. Bob and Jillian, thinking the players need to blow off a little steam, set up a dunk tank. If the contestants want a shot at dunking their trainers, they have to eat one peanut M&M.

Using an abacus made from rocks, twigs and strands of his own hair, Matt determines he can afford to eat 13 M&Ms. It only takes him three throws to dunk Jillian, leaving him ten more chances. I’m not sure if he throws any more after that or not, but I’m betting he still ate the candy. Bob later tells us, “One of the things I liked about this Temptation is it shows that you can have fun, and eat some chocolate, within reason.” Bob is so generous. And he’s so wet, as Andrea dunks him not once, but twice. Of course, the second time she ran up and hit the tank with her hand, but that’s just how Andrea rolls.

Last week the players received a professional makeover. All except Matt, who refused his because he was afraid of getting a mullet. This week, he’s decided he wants a haircut after all, so he asks Suzi to help him out. Suzi? Has he seen her hair? Turns out she’s a hairdresser by trade, though, so she hooks him up. Describing the event, Suzi tells us “So I was like, giddyup. Let’s get to snapping. Snip-snap!” Ah, sweet, sweet Suzi. Again with the dirty talk… Matt tells us it’s the first time he’s gotten a hair cut in years that he didn’t feel like a big fat pig afterwards. Evidently, Matt’s always had his hair cut with bacon grease. With his mop gone, Matt looks totally different. In fact, I’m not sure it’s even him any longer. Wait, he just started crying. Yup, it’s Matt alright.

Later, Bob is trying to get the girls ready for the next challenge. He wants to jog to the gym, but Shannon says there’s something wrong with her foot: it just realized it’s attached to the rest of her body. Evidently, Bob doesn’t take her complaint seriously enough, because our resident diva-r is not happy. Neither is Bob when Shannon gets all up in his grill, telling us later that her comments were a huge slap in the face. At least the Zen-master now knows what the sound of one hand slapping is.

Jillian is also working with the guys on their jumping. And you know what that means: the return of Dr. Jeff’s vaginankle! “Next to balance, jumping has to be my second biggest weakness,” he tells us. (Insert your own vaginankle joke here.)

This week’s Challenge is the first time all the players are competing as individuals. The winner will receive the Diet Rite Zero Elimination Pass and the fancy exercise bike nobody won a few weeks back. Although Caroline tries to build it up by calling it the Ultimate Jump Rope, the competition itself is pretty simple: Players had to stand on a platform while a giant bar swung around, forcing them to repeatedly jump over it. If they break the bar, they’re out. Not really the most exciting challenge they’ve ever had. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if next week the players have to compete for the Sherwin-Williams Zero-Drips Elimination Pass in the Mother of All Paint-Drying Contests.

Speaking of Caroline, she’s wearing a getup that looks like it was designed by Levi-Pan: some sort of wood-nymph sparkly top and rolled up jeans. Bizarre. Of course, not as bizarre as Dr. Jeff’s shirt, which has “Cool Daddy” spelled out on it with blue, pink and purple bedazzlers, thus winning him this week’s K-Mart Zero-Style Elimination Pass.

No surprise, Dr. Jeff is the first one out. Suzi, meanwhile, is stepping over the bar more than she is jumping. Come on, Suze. It’s not the Riverdance challenge. Where’s Michael Flatley when you really need him? Even with her sore foot, Shannon manages to outlast Suzi and Andrea, but still can’t keep up with Seth and Matt. Based on the outcome so far, if this challenge has taught us anything, it’s that white women can’t jump. And, evidently, neither can African American women or white men who have a vag for an ankle. (On a side note, if Dr. Jeff wears socks that are too tight, will he get camel toe or camel ankle? Discuss.)

As usual, the last two contestants are Seth and Matt. Except this week, Matt actually wins. Maybe it was his hair that was weighing him down.

This just in: Charmin Ultra is best for bear bottoms. And, evidently, if your butt ever leaks blue liquid a single square of Charmin will keep it off your hands.

Caroline congratulates Matt on his win. Now, no matter how much weight he does or doesn’t lose, he cannot be eliminated this week. Right then, I tell my wife if I were Matt, I’d try to gain some weight this week, so I’d have more to lose next week. My wife tells me if I were Matt, she’d be married to someone else. No sooner do I relay my bit of strategy than NBC invites fans to chat about Matt’s strategy. Uh oh, this can’t be good. Maybe I really am watching too much reality TV.

Evidently, Matt has decided to take my advice, and skips the next workout. In fact, it turns out Matt’s decided to skip everything. Except food. “As soon as I won immunity, I switched over to ‘how’s this going to help me in the game,” he explains. By the looks of it, it can help him eat a fat-ass steak, that’s how. “With my background in wrestling, I’ve been dealing with losing and gaining weight for years,” he says, which is really only half-true. “If I put on weight, I’ll just take it off next week.” At that, Matt settles in for a grueling afternoon nap.

At the Weigh-In, Caroline reminds the players how important it is to stay above the yellow line. “Remember, the most important thing tonight is to stay above the yellow line,” she says. Since he’s immune, Matt gets to weigh in first. Unbelievably, he’s gained 12 pounds! In a week! How is that even possible? I bet you could sew my ass shut with piano wire and feed me nothing but donuts and Crisco and I still couldn’t gain that much weight in seven days. I’d save a lot of money on Charmin, though.

Andrea, Shannon and Seth all put up decent numbers. Suzi loses 10 pounds, dropping to her lowest weight since 9th grade. To celebrate, she does her impression of Michael Flatley impersonating Elaine Benes. Guess all that jump rope training paid off after all.

“One more week, and I’ll finally be able to see my thingie again.”

Dr. Jeff loses 14 pounds, his sixth straigh double digit loss. That means Shannon and Andrea are below the yellow line, and one of them will not be the biggest loser. They will, however, be forever in our dreams. Or, in Andrea’s case, our nightmares. Man her eyebrows give me the willies!

Time for the Elimination Ceremony. Personally, I’d vote to eliminate Shannon based solely on tonight’s outfit. Tight denim skirt and a shiny slinky top? What the hell is she thinking? Suzi decides to eliminate Shannon, because she’s a bigger threat. Seth also feels Shannon is the bigger threat, and votes to send her home. Dr. Jeff, on the other hand, wants to keep Shannon because she’s a bigger threat. Doesn’t he know how to play this game?

That means it’s all up to Matt. If he votes for Shannon, she goes home. If he votes for Andrea, it’s a tie, and she’ll go home, because she lost the lowest percentage of weight for the week. Matt’s really conflicted, and gives a big speech about single moms and hard times and how Shannon’s overcome all that. “There is a life after hard times, and you’re living proof of it,” he tells Shannon, before telling her he’s sending her ass home. And he does it without shedding a single tear. What a bitch.

So, what did you think of this week’s episode? Were the contestants right to feel more threatened by Shannon, or do you think they should be more scared of Andrea’s eyebrows?