The Biggest Loser: Scare-athon

This week on The Biggest Loser, our remaining four contestants ran a full 26.2-mile marathon. Without training properly. And without any of the cheering fans and drink stops that would be present during a normal race. It’s something that would put ANY normal human being into instant cardiac arrest. I’m about to call Flabulous People Protective Services and file a claim.

At the beginning of the show, we take a long look back to Week 1 to see how this whole to-do got started and who put the bang in the “bang she bang?” Our final four are much fatter and sadder at the start of the season. They cry and grunt and weep and wheeze. Then we see how fabulous they are all doing in Week 11 and how far they’ve come. This is a helpful montage for anyone with a majorly short attention span. I think if this show didn’t do constant flashbacks every week, then it’d be reduced to 20 minutes long.

We follow our final four back to their hometowns to watch them try to acclimate back to living in the real world. Danny goes to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. Rudy heads back to Connecticut. Liz is in Tennessee, and Amanda is in New Jersey. They are all welcomed home with lavish parties filled with teary-eyed friends and families. From the looks of it, Amanda lives in a hospital.

Our peeps address their fans and reiterate the same broken record we’ve heard the whole time: they felt hopeless before and now they feel empowered. Blah blah blah second chance blah blah confident blah blah blah. The most touching part is when Danny gives his wife a silver box and says he wants to renew their vows. We never see what’s in the box, so it’s a little weird. I think they would have shown us if it were a ring. Since we never see it, then I’ll have to assume that it was full of spiders. Rudy is less emotional because giants don’t have tears. Emotions are for “People of Usual Sizes,” as they call us in Giant Land. If you’ve never been, then just blow your magic whistle and warp to World 4. (You’re welcome)

Liz is sassy as always and tells her fans about how she initially wanted to come home and can’t believe she made it so far. Amanda sobs to her guests, saying something about confidence. Everyone is pretty teary. EXCEPT this guy: (he couldn’t care less.)

OH! And you KNOW that we couldn’t see flashbacks without Danny talking about when he was such at star at age 17!!! We get to see MORE mullet-laden photos of Danno in his PRIME, including an awesome slow-mo black-and-white video where he plays guitar. I would say “Watch out, ladies!” except that he totally looks like a lady. So watch out…men?

The next part of the show, everyone talks about how they are scared to be overweight again. Danny says that he doesn’t understand why he always regains weight when he loses it. Amanda says she’s scared because she doesn’t know how well it will go home. We see that bored guy at her party again. Turns out that’s Brian. He’s her best friend. And he’s got no tips for her. We hear Rudy’s story about his older sister Karen who died as a teenager of leukemia. It caused him to be a stress-eater. Like, he literally chocolate-coated stress and then sprinkled it with donuts and snarfed it right up. That’s what I like to call, “Saturday Night.” All it needs are a few Lifetime movies, and we’re set. By the way, have you ever noticed Rudy’s WIFE?! She’s, like, a normal person size! How did he ever find her among the great Kingdom of Fairytale Giants (aka Warp World 4)??? And how did she ever live to produce a child…?

At Liz’s house, she’s struggling to work things out with her hubby. They go for a walk together, and she tells him that she wants things to change. She doesn’t want a divorce, but she wants to know they’ll work at it. She tells him that she used to want adventure and fun, but now they don’t even have a life. Her hubby agrees that he wants that, and he wants them to fall in love all over. He tries to talk to the camera, but gets choked up and walks away. Aww!!! Mr. Liz!!! Liz’s His!!! You are kindof pulling at my heart strings right now…

Next, every contestant finds a package on their doorsteps. It’s a video of Bob and Jillian, and it’s personalized for each member of the final four. Each tape has footage of them “old” version of themselves. It’s very emotional for them and their families. More stuff about having felt hopeless but getting a second chance, and you know the drill. The high point is when Liz’s His says he’s proud of her and wipes his eyes with a Brawny Paper Towel.

Now they’re phones are ringing. It’s Jillian and Bob. They KNOW they’ve finished watching the DVD. It’s just like that movie “The Ring.” You finish watching a harmless movie, and then the phone rings. We find out that our contestants have seven days to lose the weight, OR THEY WILL DIE!!! Jillian will climb out of their tv’s and melt their faces!!! Or they’re going to run a marathon. Same difference, right? They’re all in utter disbelief.

Danny’s kids just SO happen to be playing The Biggest Loser on Wii — totally not staged AT ALL — when Curtis Stone shows up. I love it because he’s SO. OUTRAGEOUSLY. AUSTRALIAN. that he needs subtitles. Danny’s family cooks turkey chili that they pour over a baked potato, and it’s somehow healthy and magical. Danny’s wife says something totally awesome like, “I can taste the smell!” I hope that isn’t a talent that spills over into other areas of her life. If so, then she should really NEVER go to the bathroom after our Dannykins.

Bob gives Amanda and Rudy a surprise visit, and Jillian does the same for Danny and Liz. It’s awesome because Bob actually HIDES in the BUSHES to jump out at Amanda. I bet this is the ONLY time you’ll see this man hide in Amanda’s bush. Or maybe not. Sometimes it’s unclear with these two and their chummy relationship. Everyone is having a major hard time juggling their home/work life and weight loss. Rudy says his daughter won’t even let him leave the house to work-out because she missed him so much when he was on the ranch. And now that Danny is all thin and foxy, his wife is scared that he’s going to leave her. So we have family issues all around with these folks. Also, Liz’s life just looks plain awful. When she’s not at the gym, she’s wading through mud and carrying buckets of sludge. Terrible.

We watch everyone running, doing their training for the marathon. Liz trains by running back and forth to and from her mailbox everyday. But enough of that. Time to actually run this bitch. They meet Ali at the starting point of their last challenge — the marathon. For finishing the marathon, they’ll each get $10,000 for a charity of their choices.

And they’re off! Basically, what happens is that Amanda and Rudy stick together for the first mile, and then he leaves her behind. But Danny and Liz stick together the whole way, encouraging one another. They meet some friendly cheerleaders along the way, like family members and Bob. Everyone struggles and cries. But everyone eventually finishes. Rudy actually does pretty awesome at 5 hours 12 minutes, and Amanda isn’t far behind at 5 hours and 28 minutes.

Liz and Danny eventually finish at 6:55 and cross the finish line together, arm in arm. Ali congratulates them and gives their checks for charity, but they still have one last weigh-in. The two who fall below the yellow line will be voted on by America to see which one will join the top two in the final three. So let’s get over there, shall we?

Allison’s boobs are all dewy and creepy at weigh-in. Seriously. What’s that about? I wonder if someone actually has a job of “Boob Mister” out there. As in, they MIST boobs. Not as in they are the boob mister to her boob mrs.

Liz is up first. She loses 16 pounds but hoped for more. Amanda is next and loses 16 pounds also. Her percentage is more than Liz’s, so she shifts above her on the board. Danny loses 59 pounds, putting him on top of the board and safely above the yellow line. He’s now lost more than 200 pounds. He’s one of four players to ever lose that much on the show. Liz is pushed below the line. Rudy loses 43 pounds. It guarantees him a spot in the finale and pushes Amanda below the yellow line with Liz. America will vote between Amanda and Liz to choose who will compete in the finals.

Both Amanda and Liz must plead their cases. You know that Amanda talks about being America’s choice and blah blah. And Liz says that if she makes it to the finale, she’ll be the oldest contestant EVER to make it that far. Again, it’s a battle between Team Old and Team Young, and I think I’m actually pulling for Liz over Amanda at this point! But overall I hope it’s Danny.

So what did you all think? Could you believe the producers made them run a FULL marathon without proper training??? Yikes!

love, MandaMo
xox