Remember the time I got really busy with the holidays and posted the finale of The Biggest Loser really late? But because you all love me so much, you weren’t upset? Yeah, sorry ’bout that! Can I appease you with a hot pic of Danny who is looking really fly these days?
Is it wrong that I kind of want him?
Okay, so this episode was packed with at least 40 hours of filler plus 2 minutes of actual action. So let’s cut the crap and just get to the real nutmeat of it all, shall we? We were reintroduced to everyone, heard all about their struggles, learned this was their second chance, they thought they weren’t strong enough to do it, their bellies shook when they laughed like a bowl full of jelly, they grunted in the gym and cried their eyes out, but they did it. Surprised surprise. Now that I’ve mastered the art of the run-on sentence, let’s see who lost the fat.
For the at-home competitors, Rebecca took the title and the $100,000. And with newly blonde hair, she looks like “Solid Gold Dancer Barbie.” We got to see her clappy, runny dance one last time. And it brutally reminded me that I did NOT miss that AT ALL. From most lost to least, please scroll down our gallery of Biggest Losers:
Rebecca: 279 to 140, 139 pounds lost, 49.82%
Tracey: 250 to 132, 115 pounds lost, 47.2%
Julio: 407 to 227, 180 pounds lost, 44.23%
Abby: 247 to 147, 100 pounds lost, 40.49%
Antoine: 367 to 215, 152 pounds lost, 41.42%
Shay: 476 to 304, 172 pounds lost, 36.13%
Allen: 325 to 209, 116 pounds lost, 35.69%
Daniel: 312 to 201, 111 pounds lost, 35.58%
Sean: 444 to 289, 155 pounds lost, 34.91%
Amanda: 250 to 163, 87 pounds lost, 34.8%
Liz: 267 to 176, 91 pounds lost, 34.08%
Dina: 253 to 174, 79 pounds lost, 31.23%
Alexandra: 309 to 218, 91 pounds lost, 29.45%
Coach Mo: 355 to 263, 92 pounds lost, 25.92%
You might have noticed that I went ahead and lumped Amanda and Liz in there. I did that because we all know they didn’t stand a chance in hell of winning this baby. At the beginning of the episode, we learn that Amanda was voted for to compete in the finale. She rambled on and on about how America voted for her twice and blah blah. And then — AND THEN!!! I kid you not, Allison Sweeney interrupted her and said, “This is where you say THANK YOU.” Whoa, calm down there, Miss Manners! If I’m going to take social cues from anyone here, it is NOT going to be the woman with the sweaty cleavage.
Before we weigh in the big boys, two things of note happen. The first is that Antoine proposes to Alexandra. She is totally shocked because they haven’t even been dating. Okay, not really, I guess they have been dating. But for how long? I’m trying to remember how much time has passed since they were voted off. Two months, maybe? Yeah, THAT’s enough time. Enough time when you are Danny Bonnaduce! I think he got married to his ex-wife a day after they’d met. And we all know he’s the picture of health and sanity. Anyway, Antoine and Alexandra both gasp and sob when he proposes. She wheezes out a “yes” and looks like she might be going into cardiac arrest. While everyone else in the studio audience is looking at the ring, I’m looking around for the nearest defibrillator.
NOT. CLICHE. AT ALL.
The other thing that happens of note is that Shay is, uh, well, still, uh, kinda, fat. Yes, I said it. Among the skinny bodies of finalists, Shay is still a big girl. And she even lost more than a THIRD of her body weight. To encourage her to keep losing, Subway crafts a bribe. For every ONE pound she loses, Subway will give her $1,000! Watch out, Jared Fogle! A new spokesperson is being groomed…
All right, time for the BGF (Big, Friendly, Giant (whose really not that friendly (is this an okay use of parantheses? (probably not.)))) I mustn’t fail to mention that our final four walked out on stage with a CGI version of their “Before” selves. If that’s not creepy enough, even creepier is that they ACKNOWLEDGE their fatter selves! I do not understand this television witch-craftery, but it totally freaks me out. Especially when THIS happens:
Legal Loophole: It’s not molestation if the other person is you.
Rudy is amazingly thin, and strangely looks like one of my ex-boyfriends, which really, really scares me. And Danny is just cute as a button! Who knew that he had dimples hiding under there!
Time to grow out the mullet and grab your guitar! The show must go on!
As if it wasn’t already obvious due solely to appearances, Danny wins the title of “The Biggest Loser” and gets $125,000. Confetti drops from the sky, and his family cheers and cries. He says that Rudy was an inspiration and his encouragement. And we are reminded that Danny really is a class-act.
So that’s it, folks! Are you happy with the win? What surprised you most?
That’s a rap!