The Biggest Loser: Weighed in the Water

Greetings, Gasmii! This week in our super late recap of The Biggest Loser, we discover that working as a team means you can do anything! We also discover that this show is two hours every week, which means no matter what, we’ll always have a large time.

We open to a theme song that didn’t exist last week, and it’s really flattering all around. Tracey’s never looked better!

Julio reminds us that he and Alexandra fell below the yellow line, and as a result, she was sent home. Black and white clips show us her sad elimination, during which she wails, “I can’t believe how hard this is.” It can’t be any harder than losing weight, but to be fair, she wasn’t very good at that either. Mo isn’t sure he’ll ever get over evicting Alexandra. You have to wonder why he voted for her then, but so be it! Alexandra is gone and everyone has to sack up.

Alison tells us it’s always hard to say goodbye. Wouldn’t it be great if they didn’t have to eliminate anyone? The cast woefully agrees, so she tells them they’re in luck: she has a proposition for them! They get very hopeful that Alexandra’s coming back, preferably with pizza, but instead they’re told about a deal where they can keep everyone safe at the next weigh-in. If the contestants lose a combined total of 150 pounds in the next week, everyone will get to stick around.

Humpty Dumpty immediately decides there’s no way they could lose that much. Too bad we can’t get rid of him entirely, that would drop a cool 400. Humpty explains that everyone plateaus during the second week, but this doesn’t faze Alison. If they don’t lose 150 pounds, two people will be sent home. There are 15 contestants left, so theoretically everyone needs to lose ten pounds and they’ll meet their goal. Danny says this isn’t an individual effort though, so they’ll all need to work together. This statement makes things thoroughly awkward when the cast returns to the house for dinner. To settle things, they just eat Amanda.

Everyone sits down weepily. Julio tells them how hard elimination was, and he’s grateful everyone chose to keep him. Of course that’s not entirely true — his ass was almost out the door, but we’ll let him pretend. Coach Mo decides they need to come up with a game plan. I get the feeling he’s going to mention he’s a coach every time he speaks, and sure enough, he’s living up to that so far. He promises to get into everyone’s head, coach-like, and coach them up real good. He also wants to employ Daniel in this strategy, since Daniel’s already lived through the infamous Week Two. Daniel tells us he lost 30 pounds in last season’s first week, prompting a celebration that need never be seen again.

In Week Two, however, he only lost three pounds. To weigh 424 pounds and lose three is legitimately marvelous. I’d say he must’ve been comatose ala Tracey, but even then he should’ve lost more weight. He shares this plight with the other contestants, prompting Coach Mo to tell Julio, “You owe.” For someone who voted to keep Julio, Mo sure has beef with this dude! Relatedly, he wants beef in general.

The next morning, the cast waddles to the gym. Jillian and Bob enter and discover that Julio is still in the game, which prompts them both to say “Wow” over and over again. That must make him feel good! Bob inquires about the first elimination, whereas Jillian can’t be bothered to care. They tell him it was brutal and he gleefully trills, “Isn’t it awful?” Thank God Bob doesn’t actually attend those events, he would just cackle through the whole ceremony. He continues to dampen spirits by explaining that this week will be a nightmare. Jillian says if the cast is lucky, they’ll see half the results from last week. Most likely they’ll gain weight.

The contestants quickly inform Jillian and Bob that gaining weight is not an option. They have a challenge! They must be successful! Everyone shouts over each other, while a faux shell-shocked Bob asks what they could possibly be talking about. Conversely it might be genuine surprise; the trainers may be so unprepared for their jobs they don’t actually know about the 150-pound stipulation. Fortunately Rudy fills them in, simultaneously filling his quota for airtime on this program. After hearing the challenge details, Jillian announces, “We should just pick two people to go home right now.” Yay! Optimism!

The trainers decide to split the group to target different areas. Bob takes half the cast for circuit training, and he explains he likes to go balls-out on Week Two. Methinks Bob is always a fan of going balls-out, and should those balls wind up in his mouth, that’s all right by him as well. Anyway, each circuit lasts for 90 seconds, so it goes without saying that everyone collapses into a heap of bodily fluids.

Elsewhere, Jillian sits her group down to share the universal truth about weight loss. This is known as calories-in/calories-out, which…wow, were these folks really unaware of this concept?

Bob offers another tidbit, which is that working out is fun and games until you fall below the yellow line. Clearly all these people are having a blast! While Danny does chest presses, Bob hangs on the weights to make Danny scream. Bob weighs about 25 pounds soaking wet, so if this is designed to make Danny look completely ridiculous, it’s super successful. He collapses and then bursts into tears, prompting a montage of everything he’s left to compete in this godawful process.

Bob swears he won’t let Danny rest, since he doesn’t know how long Danny will be here. “Here” means the ranch, but “here on Earth” would be a valid point as well. Then in true Bob fashion, he promptly walks away and concludes the workout, so…there’s that. He heads outside with the rest of the cast, with Danny left alone to go into cardiac arrest.

As Bob goes to leave, Dina and Rudy block his path. Naturally he cannot fit around them, so he stops to ask what’s up. Rudy says Dina needs to hear that she’ll have a good week, and then she bitches about how she only lost eight pounds last time. This is Bob’s fault, of course. He explains she needs to consume 1200 calories and burn 6000, which is sort of incredible, but the methodology behind it still baffles her. He asks what the hell she’ll do in Week 14 if she’s having so much trouble in Week Two, but let’s be honest: that will never be an issue.

Rudy implores Dina to cheer up, but Bob’s all rolling his eyes, saying it’s ridiculous to act like this. I love that Bob maintains he really cares about these people, yet he laughs in their face when they approach him with concerns. Sympathetic! Rudy thanks him for his help, but it’s tainted a bit by Dina heartily flipping everyone the bird.

Back at the house, Jillian walks in with Danny and Liz. It’s a little creepy that Bob went home and Jillian’s just sticking around for the party, but whatevs, Jillian’s established she doesn’t have much going on. She tells us the contestants take 90 minutes to make their lunches every day, but that’s probably because they’re eating the mistakes as they go along. To correct this, Jillian decides to teach them how to eat, as though they’re not already experts in this arena.

Her main tip is about making food in bulk, but again, she’s preaching to the choir. She recommends freezing foods in a specific type of Ziploc bag, which is a neat way of reminding us that Ziploc sponsors the show. My, Ziploc is fantastic! Look at the great things you can do with Ziploc! Ad infinitum. Jillian preaches forever about the benefits of this brand, and it kind of takes away from the point of the session. Maybe Danny and Liz learned a great lesson, but all I learned is that I could buy the same bags at Dollar General, you know?

Next we cut to the Los Robles Hospital and Medical Center, where Coach Mo plans to visit Tracey. She’s alive after all! Color me genuinely shocked. Mo enters the Emergency Wing, which means he’s either severely misguided or Tracey has amassed the most ridiculous hospital bill ever, being in the ER for about eight days. Mo worries Tracey won’t remember him since she’s now brain damaged, but if her wide-open hospital gown is any indication, she’s positively delighted to have him around.

Tracey skeptically asks if they’re partners, as though she has any room to judge. Once he informs her of their weigh-in success, however, she’s all smiles. They squeeze hands, and it would be a very touching moment were it not for him inadvertently removing her morphine drip.

Back at the house, the cast sits down for a meal. Daniel’s excited for the cast to work together this week, not to mention the joy of working with both Bob and Jillian. He’s really glad Jillian will focus on their nutrition, which is when we cut to Amanda eating something called a Guiltless Gourmet meal. When you take it out of the freezer and microwave it, is it really guiltless?

Shay asks everyone’s workout plans for the evening, and Tina Yothers says they need to get off their asses and burn some calories. Unfortunately she says it as though she’s reading off a cue card, so I question her motivation. Everyone heads to the gym anyway, where their session without Bob goes as successfully as you’d imagine. No one is even sweating, but Julio is exhausted by the sheer effort of being alive. He announces he’s going to the bathroom, which understandably frustrates Shay. How can she possibly use the facilities after that gentleman?

Shay sits back on her recumbent bicycle and proceeds to talk shit with Daniel. Gotta say, if you’re able to have a breezy conversation while exercising, you’re probably doing it wrong. Literally two hours later, she’s still on the recumbent bike and Julio finally rejoins the group. My God, he must’ve read twelve newspapers on the pot! He reckons it might be time to work out, but first he visits the Brita water station and loads up on some delicious Brita beverages. In fact, he drinks them out of a Ziploc bag.

When he finally drags himself to a treadmill, Shay asks how many calories he still has to burn. He says 1300, and she sarcastically congratulates him. Apparently no one else is even close to that kind of progress, so unless he was doing some serious exercise on that toilet, he’s completely making things up. She tells him to let her know if he needs help, to which he laughs because…really? He’s seen you on that motorized ladder, Shay.

The next morning, Tracey’s on her way to the ranch! She says her heart is palpitating, but she sounds so jolly about it, no one bothers to rush her back to the medical facility. Then she expires right there in the car.

No one really knows who she is when she enters the house, but everyone’s very polite regardless. She tells them she’s still weak, but she’s really glad to be back. All she’ll share about her medical condition is that it was a big deal, and unfortunately people are good-hearted on this show, so no one grills her about it. They move on to making things official: she must suit up in her Biggest Loser shirt! She does so to a bevy of applause, and then she walks out of the room. Way to get a head start there, Tracey.

Soon she meets up with Bob, who tells her she’s the only person who’s ever been revived specifically for this program. Unfortunately since she’s now a paraplegic, she’ll be unable to exercise like the rest of the cast. She’ll have to make up for it by really watching her diet, so this provides a good opportunity to plug The Biggest Loser‘s protein powder. Just mix it into your Brita water bottle and you’ll be all set! Tracey dutifully tells Bob the powder is amazing, to the shock and awe of all. This wasn’t even marginally scripted! They hug merrily, and then Bob says, “I was like, ‘Who’s this Tracey? Does she even exist?’”

We cut to the California Health and Longevity Institute, where Alison waits for the cast. Some contestants linger outside the enormous banquet hall where she’s standing, so she hollers, “There’s room, come on in!” They were understandably concerned the floor might collapse under the strain of them. Once everyone’s inside, she welcomes them to the day’s session. Today they’ll learn the basics of what to eat to lose weight, and a special guest is there to help out! Everyone rends their garments in anticipation of…Chef Curtis Stone!

If it’s not Rosetta Stone, I’m not interested, but of course the contestants go nuts like they know who he is. Curtis is Australian, so it quickly turns out he can say anything and it’s all gorgeous. He could threaten to burn down the ranch and he’d still be workin’ it. Alison tells the cast Curtis has seven tips to share with them, and they need to pay attention. She’ll be quizzing them after the session. If they answer five out of eight questions correctly, they’ll get a 15-pound advantage at the weigh-in! Let’s hope they’re as good at memorizing as they are microwaving.

Curtis’ first topic is portion control, and since Tina Yothers errs on the side of physically inoffensive, he calls her up for an activity. He holds an enormous steak and asks how many ounces it is. A healthy portion is between three and four ounces, FYI. She guesses nine or ten, but the steak is actually 16. She offers to eat the balance so it’s cut down to healthy size, but oddly that doesn’t appease Chef Stone. He moves on to talking about fats, oils, and methods of cooking.

The cast learns fascinating bits of trivia, including that they shouldn’t bathe themselves in Caesar dressing. This surprises Humpty Dumpty, who also informs us he swims in soda. Considering he sweats molasses, this information is mostly banal. He shares that he drinks two liters of soda per day, which is truly upsetting, so Curtis shows Humpty exactly how much sugar he’s consuming. He measures it all out into a bowl, and Humpty just stands there and salivates. Effective!

Curtis’ tips and demonstrations continue until the audio blurs into confusing Australian hotness. It goes without saying no one absorbs the details. With all that food on the counter, how could they ever pay attention? At the end he asks if everyone’s with him, and Shay grins and shakes her head “no” vigorously. She’s gone into a diabetic coma, so she’s officially beyond all comprehension.

Alison joins the cast for their First Official Biggest Loser Quiz. As a reminder, they need to get five out of eight questions correct. The first question is for the Purple Team and involves visually estimating the correct portion size for a family of four, which is legit difficult. Of course some of the choices are comically large, but to these folks it just looks like dinner. Tracey gets all up in the portions and fondles the meat, triumphantly grabbing Coach Mo when they answer correctly. Good thing their records are already on file at the hospital, they won’t have to do any paperwork when they come down with salmonella.

The next question is for the Orange Team, and it’s about cooking oil. What better question for Daniel and Shay? They have to name three ways of cooking without oil, and they correctly answer baking, poaching, and steaming. Success, only three more to go! The Brown Team takes the third question, which is about eating out.

They’re asked how many calories are in an enormous chicken Caesar salad, and they correctly pick 1010 calories. Then it’s on to the Pink Team, who will surely drop the ball! Hopefully it pertains to treating someone in a health-related emergency, since Nurse Amanda knows absolutely nothing about that. Their question is actually about substituting zucchini for pasta, and they wind up getting it right. If you replace pasta with zucchini, you’ll save 248 calories! You’ll also have really unhappy dinner guests.

Question five is for the Green Team, so it all potentially comes down to Abby and Allen. They’re asked how many calories would be in four 16 ounce sodas, and all the answer choices are pretty similar. They pick 789 calories, but it’s actually 747, sad day! Everyone acts as though the world has come to a screeching halt, even though they totally still have questions left over. The Red Team has to decide which dessert has less than 150 calories: raspberries and chocolate sauce, parfait and blueberries, or vanilla ice cream. The answer should be obvious, but since it’s Antoine and Humpty’s question, it’s like performing brain surgery. They choose the parfait, but the answer is raspberries. To console himself, Humpty takes a chocolate sauce shower.

The Blue Team gets a question about snacking. They must name two reasons to add protein to a snack, and everyone scoots to the edge of their seats. Rudy and Dina know a lot about snacking, but not so much about the protein side methinks. After some careful consideration though, Rudy gets it right! That’s fifteen pounds they don’t need to worry about for the weigh-in! Now they only need to lose nine pounds each, which is just as impossible as losing ten.

Soon they meet up with Alison for their next challenge. It’s basically an enormous diamond set on top of a lake, so Abby theorizes they’ll probably get wet. This logic astounds me. Alison says everyone may have come into the competition for themselves, but this week is about doing things for each other. Things get awkward when Humpty suggests a circle jerk. Alison was thinking more along the lines of making the contestants perform a balancing act, AKA Alison should be considered a national hero!

The game features four rafts separated by balance beams. The goal is to get everyone across the beams. They’ll move as a team, and each person must make it to a raft before the group can move on. If someone falls, the challenge is over. This worries Danny, who mumbles, “I’m over 400 pounds and standing on flat ground is not easy for me.” That was gonna be my joke, but whatevs, I’ll let him slide! He’ll repay me when he slides into the water in about seven seconds.

The balance beams get progressively smaller, so the challenge will become more and more impossible. Fortunately there are prizes to motivate the contestants! If everyone reaches the first raft, they’ll receive a five-pound advantage at the weigh-in. If they make it to the second raft, they’ll get another five pounds. At this rate they’ll have to lose -40 pounds by the time they get to the goddamn ceremony. If they waddle to the third raft, they’ll all receive phone calls from home. The final raft represents something priceless: the satisfaction that they were able to work together…plus ten more pounds at the weigh-in, of course.

Everyone loads into life vests, which is all sorts of delightful considering they’re standing over three inches of water. Babies in incubators are wading through the lake, but God bless, these people will sink like stones.

The contestants take off across the beam, although “taking off” is putting it kindly. Alison, who seems to be legally blind, marvels that Humpty moves slowly. She’s also surprised the sky is blue and ice is cold, so this is a big day for Alison! The beam is as wide as some of these contestants, but Tracey still has trouble making it across. She weebles and wobbles, threatening to vomit or pass out, but somehow she survives. Everyone makes it to the platform, although it’s still confusing that Tracey was ever medically cleared for this show, considering she literally cannot walk a straight line.

The next beam is marginally smaller and everyone shakes from the mere effort of walking, so the cast takes 47 minutes to cross. Abby has a particularly hard time, straight-up windmilling along the board. As she starts to fall, Tina Yothers screams her name and then we fade to black. Oh no! Either it’s time for a commercial or Abby has performed the spectacular trick of drowning in a millimeter of water. Luckily we come back and she’s still alive, so at least there’s that. Everyone makes it to the second raft, so they have a ten-pound credit for the next weigh-in.

The third platform is what everyone’s really vying for. They’re all anxious to hear from their families, so making it across the next beam is key. Surprisingly no one really has trouble with this one, which is inspiring and/or boring. Their families make them power through! Everyone bursts into tears, and suddenly they’re all pretty certain they can make it across the last beam, which is only six inches wide.

As the cast totters along, Alison helpfully shouts, “Abby and Liz are rocking the entire beam and everyone’s feeling it!” Where would they be without her guidance? The challenge comes down to Antoine, Shay and Tina Yothers, but they fearlessly take a couple of steps and land on the platform. They win! They now have a 20-pound credit for the weigh-in, as well as calls from home! Shay says they put in everything they had for this challenge, which is just so cute. The activity was literally walking. When faced with the task of running a 5K, Shay’s heart will explode on impact.

Once everyone’s back at the house, Danny sits by the pool and strums his guitar, which looks like a wee ukelele in his arms. Even more concerning, his leg appears to be gangrened, so I’d say shit’s going well all around.

Inside the house, everyone makes calls home. Julio speaks to his mother, who is somehow still alive. You’d think if Julio is 500 pounds at the age of 40, surely Mom would’ve passed on from a similar such condition by now. Good on her! He tells us he has people counting on him at home, so he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do this right. Amanda agrees, bragging about how the country is really rooting for her as America’s Choice Player.

Coach Mo talks to his children, who are apparently all five years old. This is worrisome since he’s said he’s a grandfather. Kids these days, so promiscuous! Rudy calls his mom and Abby chats with a family member who hasn’t died, so things are progressing nicely in that neck of the woods. Abby cries as she tells her mom she climbed a mountain, but we haven’t seen that clip, so I’m not sure if this is a proverbial mountain. Either way it sounds like she did better than on that balance beam.

Danny calls his daughter and promptly evacuates his bowels over the conversation. He says she’s the reason for him being there, since she once told him “I want to have a big belly like you, Dad” and then started gaining weight. Uhh. Did no one think to intervene? Did it really take The Biggest Loser for him to realize he should refrain from giving her another deep fried Snickers? Speaking of healthy diets, Humpty Dumpty gets in touch with his family too. His wife is pregnant, so he asks how she and the baby are doing, and she reveals they’re having a girl! Maybe by the time the finale rolls around, we’ll get to see little Humptette in person.

Once everyone’s cried out, they settle down for Subway sandwiches for dinner. Unsurprisingly, when you’re eating a double meatball sub it doesn’t particularly matter where it comes from. These people aren’t Jared, and that shit’s still gross. Out of nowhere, Jillian and Bob come inside and catch them hogging down. They’re concerned as to how this will impact the 150-pound challenge, but the cast cheerfully tells them it’s only a 115-pound loss now. Luckily Jillian’s there to smack them down! Jillian promises them they’ll gain weight this week, and then she tells them to leave the house. This is a sure way to get invited back to anyone’s home.

The cast heads to the gym while Jillian and Bob chat. She’s sure they won’t lose 115 pounds, so they try to come up with a game plan. Usually people plateau on Week Two, but maybe they could push the plateau back to Week Three! Jillian interviews about how losing a lot of weight in a short time puts the body into survival mode. You’d think that would impact the way this show plays out, like maybe they’d lose weight in a healthier manner instead, but nah. Instead Jillian asks who Bob wants to torture this week, and he chooses Julio. She has a pretty erotic reaction, moaning Julio’s name. They discuss how poorly he’s performed so far, and then she hisses, “Kill him.” Jillian has surely missed her true calling: torture porn.

The trainers join the cast for their Last Chance Workout, during which Bob does his best to break all of Julio’s bones. Admittedly they’re mostly wishbones, so it’s a snap! Julio says he has a different view of eliminations now, having been below the yellow line. He doesn’t want to wind up there again, but he really thinks all the work he’s put in will pay off. It’s unclear what this “work” entails, but I’m guessing most of his sweating occurred on strolls in and out of the kitchen.

Rudy and Jillian engage in a game of Tug of War, which basically means Jillian stretches out on the floor and Rudy drags her around. Kinky! At one point he physically launches her into the air, so Bob comes to join them, weighing down Jillian’s side of the rope. It’s all good times until Rudy has a coronary, but even then Jillian still has fun.

As always, the Last Chance Workout mostly consists of the trainers screaming, “Last chance! Last chance!” While Shay cries over push-ups, Bob asks what she’s hoping to get from this. She wants to be happy, which is sweet and simple and sad, so Bob drills her for the details. She has a laundry list of reasons why she’s depressed, but I’m guessing talking about it isn’t making her push-ups any easier. Something that might help, however: therapy. She seriously bawls throughout the workout, while Bob awkwardly pats her back and swears she can be happy. He tells us she can have these sad feelings, but she can also gain strength from them. If only she could gain strength from workouts, too.

Soon everyone heads to the weigh-in. Alison looks super adorbs for the ceremony, but admittedly when everyone else is in underwear, it’s not much of a stretch.

In case they’ve forgotten, Alison reminds the cast what they’ve been through this week. They started off needing to lose ten pounds each, but thanks to their teamwork and Jesus Christ himself coming down to help them, they need a little more than seven pounds now. Alison asks Bob how he tackled the week, to which he scoffs, yammering about how they’ll never pull it off. In Bob’s defense, 115 pounds is a lot of weight to lose. In the world’s defense, oh my God, why is he a trainer?

The Pink Team steps up to the scales first, completely terrified. Since Tina Yothers pulled a big number last week, she knows her chances this week are significantly reduced. All Amanda can tell us is that she’s America’s Choice Player, which is a novel concept I certainly haven’t heard 39 times this season. Thank heavens she’s there to remind us! The ladies climb on the scales to weigh in, and Amanda drops four pounds while Tina Yothers loses six. Sad trombone! Way to drop the ball, girls!

Tina Yothers snaps into bitch mode, saying she worked just as hard as last week, even though she only lost a third of the weight. Amanda agrees, although who knows why she even bothered speaking. Instead of running her mouth, she should consider running on a treadmill. Tina Yothers cries that she wants to pull her weight, but when you’re 255 pounds, that’s a pretty big commitment. Their loss of 10 pounds means the group needs to lose 105 more.

Up next is the Purple Team. This marks Tracey’s first weigh-in! She needs a power scooter to mobilize her to the scales, but luckily she finds the energy to stand up for a moment.

Tracey and Coach Mo both have amazing results! Admittedly Tracey has a bit of an advantage there, since this is actually Week One for her, but no matter: she kicked ass. Apparently Tracey hasn’t even been allowed to enter the gym whatsoever, being paralyzed from the neck down, so she’s achieved these results strictly through dieting. She and Coach Mo feel totally revitalized! Their combined loss of 19 pounds brings the group total to 86 pounds needed.

The Red Team strips down and climbs the scales. Antoine and Humpty are both big boys, but their results could pretty much go any way. Fortunately Antoine drops eight and Humpty drops eleven, bringing them to a total of 19 as well. Apparently that’s the house’s lucky number! They do a happy dance to celebrate, which continues to be revolting, and Humpty dedicates the loss to his new baby girl. The Red Team’s efforts lower the group’s needed number to 67 pounds.

The next team is the Greenies. Allen and Abby hold their breaths as the scales tip back and forth, but they’re the total frontrunners. Allen lost ten pounds and Abby lost eleven! Abby explains that watching your diet and actually moving brings results, a novel concept indeed.

The cast’s current weight loss goal is 46 pounds. The Brown Team follows the Greens, and Danny is seriously worried he’ll gain weight. Since he weighed in at 406 pounds last week, it would be something of a medical mystery for him to actually go up at this point. Fortunately he loses 12 pounds, while Liz brings home a reputable ten, just like last week. They’re down 22 total! Liz bursts into tears, explaining that it’s always taken her a year to lose this amount of weight at home. Bob is completely over the moon for the Brown Team, so of course he takes all the credit for it. Without him, they’d be nothing! Forget Jesus Christ, it’s all about Jesus Bob.

Three teams are left to weigh in, and the group only needs to lose 24 more pounds. Unless these people combust before they visit the scales, it’s looking like this is a lock. Dina is still worried however, and her Blue Team is up next. She wants to make sure she pulls something substantial, especially since her results were kind of dismal last week. Unfortunately, although Rudy drops a solid 14 pounds, Dina only loses eight. That’s what she needed to do for the challenge, but she’s still visibly disappointed. Rudy’s lost 42 pounds in two weeks though, so at least there’s that! Also, that much weight loss in such a short amount of time has to be remarkably unhealthy. Yay for gaining it all back in the post-season!

The Blue Team’s success means the final two teams only need to lose two pounds, but since Julio is the next contestant, no one can get excited yet. Shay openly hopes he’ll do poorly, which is totally delightful in light of the week’s theme of solidarity. Way to be a team player! He’s confident he’ll do well anyway, so he boards the scales and…loses 19 pounds. 19 pounds! Shay is genuinely disappointed, but he ensured everyone’s safety, so she can’t bitch too hard. Natch that doesn’t stop her.

Although Bob and Jillian are moderately impressed with the cast’s results, they’d be more pleased if the contestants lost the original goal of 150 pounds. Julio’s got them well on their way; now between Shay and Daniel, they need to lose 18 more to reach the original goal. It all comes down to the Orange Team. They board the scales, and Bob bends into his favorite position in anticipation.

Daniel loses seven pounds, but the big winner here is Shay, who’s down 16 pounds! Together they’ve lost 23, so the entire group lost a total of 155 pounds! That means there’s no elimination tonight, and the cast successfully told Week Two to suck it. Everyone rejoices as visions of sugarplums dance through their heads, because there’s no better way to celebrate a massive weight loss than with food! And alas, we’ve come full circle.

What say you? Were you surprised the cast met both their weight loss goals? Do you still hate Julio, even with his surprising results? Leave your thoughts and check back soon for the next episode!