The Biggest Loser: Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

This week on The Biggest Loser, we finally find our villain! Her best feature is that if she ever threatens to go all Hannibal Lecter, she probably means it. Join me after the jump!

We open to the contestants returning from the last weigh-in. Everyone is clothed except Tracey, since there’s certainly nothing embarrassing about remaining in your underpants. Good on her! The group shares hugs and platters of chicken wings to celebrate losing 155 pounds in the past week, but Liz notes there’s no time for rejoicing. They must sojourn on to the next challenge.

The next morning, the group heads out for the gym. Alison waits outside the entrance, to which Humpty postulates, “I’ve learned now, by Week Three, that if Ali is standing there, something awesome is going to happen or something horrible is going to happen.” How insightful. Similarly, when he wakes up every day, events tend to occur in one direction or another. It’s amazing how that works! Alison greets the cast with a hearty “Hey ladies!” She probably doesn’t mean that as cruelly as Jillian would, but it’s still enjoyable regardless.

Alison says they did a great job working as a team last week, but this is an individual game. Success comes down to personal choices, so right now it’s time to make some big decisions! Everyone gets awfully hopeful they’ll get to choose against the gym, so their hearts swell when Alison says it’s “Would You Rather” Week. Their hearts are also swollen from cardiomyopathy, but so it goes. Each team is asked to choose between having the trainers and having a pound advantage at the weigh-in. Only one team will be allowed to take the advantage, however. If this sounds odd and complicated, it’s because it is. Also, the advantage is only two pounds, so this entire segment is unnecessary. Jillian will physically rip two pounds off a person’s body; choosing against her is just foolish!

The teams line up, and they’re asked to step forward if they want the advantage. If no one accepts, the stakes will go up. The groups start to conspire. Danny knows an advantage is really important in this game, whereas Amanda thinks Bob and Jillian will be disappointed if they step forward. Also disappointed in Amanda: the universe. I’d include her hospital patients in that count too, but well, they’ve passed on. Tina Yothers says Bob and Jillian will need to suck it up. The Pink Team is doing so poorly anyway, what does it matter?

The general consensus is that two pounds would be a silly amount to settle for, especially since Alison just said the stakes will get higher. As soon as Daniel says no one would jump for that amount…

She doesn’t physically jump since she’s now an amputee, but she sure makes the effort. She totally takes the two-pound advantage! Coach Mo is mortified, whereas the rest of the house is just confused. It says a lot about the cast that no one’s giggling over her stupidity, they just genuinely don’t understand it. Tracey says she didn’t want another team to get an advantage of four, six, or eight pounds while she gets nothing. In other news, it’s no surprise that Tracey’s ballooned into her current size; bitch obviously never learned to share.

Even though Tracey blatantly made her decision alone, Coach Mo has to suffer the consequences. They’re both allowed to use the gym all week, but they’re flying solo for workouts. The cast shakes their heads, but Tracey just grins and looks around. That’s what happens when you’re a stroke victim.

Apparently the strain of “Would You Rather” was too much, because we rejoin the contestants at the house instead of the gym. Shay and Daniel slave over their lunch, which necessitates careful planning for a handful of berries.

The trainers promptly enter, to which Tracey squirms uncomfortably. Everyone basically knows Bob and Jillian will lose their shit over the advantage decision, so they’re all waiting for the meltdown. Bob asks about their morning and Danny goes into all the details. As soon as the trainers hear it was for two pounds, their eyes roll out of their skulls. Two pounds! Who would ever choose such a nonsensical amount!

Tina Yothers responds by merrily bouncing atop her exercise ball, which – BTW, either go to the gym or sit in a chair like a human being, Tina Yothers. Sitting on an exercise ball in the kitchen is not the same as using the ball. Jillian, needing to destroy any obvious pleasure, snaps about how stupid Tina Yothers is for choosing the advantage. Tina Yothers insists it wasn’t her, so Bob turns to Amanda, but she’s too busy eating the exercise ball to care.

Coach Mo giggles at the accusations, so they ask if he chose it. He has little to say, but someone else has even less to talk about.

Instead of standing up for herself, Tracey hems and haws like someone else will do it for her. Alas she’s forced to admit what she’s done, which is met with complete silence. Bob and Jillian exchange comical glances for 20 minutes before Bob finally inquires as to Tracey’s motivation. He takes it as a personal slap in the face, which is unnecessary but not surprising. His counterpart concurs. “I still don’t even really know this girl, but apparently she’s given up Bob and I for two pounds,” sneers Jillian, whose complete lack of grammatical functionality is acceptable in this situation. She whines that they’re the best trainers in the world and people would murder their children for a chance to exercise with them. That obvz wasn’t enough for Tracey though, so the trainers decide to meet with the Purple Team in private. Everyone else heads to the gym, which has to be depressing. Not only do they have to work out, they’re missing all the drama!

Tracey is bawling by the time the trainers sit down, but it doesn’t win her any sympathy. She says she’s scared about leaving, but of course Bob thinks that’s ridiculous. A good way to ensure safety is by working with the trainers, so…she should probs rethink her plans. Bob gives her the guilt trip, saying Tracey really needs training but so does her partner, her lifeblood, Coach Mo.

Literally the entire show could be this deathglare and I would be okay with it! Jillian continues to offer advice on tackling Tracey’s fear, but since it doesn’t involve drowning it in milkshakes, no one listens. Bob and Jillian finally end the conversation by snarling, “Get to work” and holding back laughter. Tracey tells us she’s going to get right on that, because she really needs to be the Biggest Loser. Methinks she’s well on her way.

Outside, Abby meanders through a field. Apparently she’s suffered from shin splints all her life, as though this broad hasn’t suffered enough, and Dr. Huizenga ordered an MRI for her. She meets with him to discuss the results, and they conclude she has a stress fracture in her tibia. Truly this doctor could say anything and we’d all believe it because the MRI is both unreadable and disgusting, so let’s take his word on this. Dr. Huizenga tells her she can still work out, but only in the pool. This is unfortunate because it’s not as fun to call someone a beached whale when that’s literally what she is. She’s not allowed to put weight on the fracture, which will be an obvious challenge, but she’s determined not to give up! Insert clips of her detailed tragedies here.

We cut to Abby at the house, where Bob comes to visit. He greets her with a friendly “Hey, sweetheart!” which is legit so cute I could die, and then he grills her for medical details. She’s feeling better now that she’s gotten the weight off her leg, which means they must’ve amputated that thing. Bob notes she can still do this, but he interviews that it’s next to impossible. That’s the spirit, Bob! He explains she needs to work on her nutrition since exercise will be difficult, and he has just the right thing for her: Yoplait Light! Then he and Abby squirt it into their mouths via Ziploc bag, washed down with a fresh cup of Brita water. Ugh.

That evening the cast meets with Alison. She’s waiting with serving platters, to which Tina Yothers says, “Mmm, food temptation!” If Tracey could give in over two pounds, you know Tina Yothers will screw shit up for a Zebra Cake. Alison reminds them this week is about choices, and with that, it’s time to make another decision! Would they rather control their diet or control this game? Tracey’s eyes literally roll back at the thought, not just because she’s having a seizure. Alison breaks the news that only one person from each team will be counted at the weigh-in. The winner of the Temptation Challenge gets to choose each person. Greatest thing ever! Screw two pounds, this is actually exciting!

Danny says this power is like rigging a poker game, and Alison agrees, explaining that whoever wins has control of the entire weigh-in. Each team lines up in front of their serving dishes, and Tracey’s like, “Whenever you see silver trays on The Biggest Loser, there is food underneath it!” She’s either salivating or foaming at the mouth, I can’t tell. She’s also completely mistaken unless she eats the eviction votes, which are also offered on serving trays, but this is Tracey we’re talking about…so yeah.

The house is ecstatic about the foods awaiting them. Shay hopes it’s fettucine alfredo while Liz hopes for catfish, but instead their course is a twee little cupcake. The winner will be the person who eats more cupcakes than anyone else in ten minutes! Admittedly this isn’t a challenge, this is just fabulous.

Each cupcake is 100 calories, so the cast has to make a difficult choice. Should they be smart and watch their figures, or should they eat 17 pounds of cupcake? It’s a tough call, especially since they’re secluded and can’t see what anyone else is doing. Half the group immediately tears off the cupcake wrappers and starts sniffing the food like hounds, but the game is mostly benign. That’s Alison’s cue to bring out another platter of cupcakes. At this point, everyone’s so excited they’re pantsless.

Humpty Dumpty tells us the cupcakes were talking to him, but that’s partially because he hallucinates when he’s in a diabetic coma. He also wants to rub cupcakes all over his body, although the logistics of that are tricky. It’d be hard to keep them fresh on a journey of so many miles. Even with all this temptation, the contestants mostly stare at the cupcakes, but Antoine breaks the mold! He starts shoveling food down his gullet, so Alison lets everyone know that someone is winning the game. As you can imagine, this does not sit well with Tracey.

She remembers Bob and Jillian telling her to ignore her dose of Crazy, but who doesn’t like to win a game? No one! That’s Tracey’s justification for mowing down, which she does with aplomb.

She seriously devours every morsel of food and licks the plate clean, but not to worry, there’s more where that came from. The other contestants wonder aloud if they could eat just one cupcake since that could be enough to win the challenge, but Tracey’s completely beyond hearing. She’s also beyond insulin shock. As the clock ticks down, Alison tells the group that unfinished cupcakes won’t count, so Tracey and Antoine do their best to eat the entire serving dish, silver and all.

Once time runs out, Alison reveals the results. Only two people ate cupcakes, and when Coach Mo finds out Tracey was one of them, you can tell he wants to tear her limb from limb. At least that would make up for however many calories she consumed!

There is a winner and…Antoine is not it. Tracey wins! She ate four cupcakes, to which she happily shouts, “I did have four? I thought I only had three!” Everyone is legitimately disgusted, which is saying a lot. Tracey tries to maintain that the cupcakes made her feel awful, as though that makes any difference. Either way, she has the power; she is also functionally retarded. Her decision won’t be final until the weigh-in, so she has the week to decide whom to sabotage.

The next day everyone meets Bob and Jillian at the gym. Bob hopes no one’s done anything stupid, but that’s an overly optimistic prospect! Amanda explains the temptation challenge, and both the trainers are like, “Who the fuck cares? Just exercise, for the love of God!” For the love of Tracey, everyone keeps talking about the challenge and digging her deeper. Bob says this isn’t a challenge that matters in Week 2. It’s only important at the end, when the competition has made you crazy.

When Bob asks who could’ve accepted this challenge, Tracey’s ridiculous ass shoves her arm in the air. Look at the fine things she’s done, y’all! Jillian promptly starts pounding on her own forehead like an overly-amped cartoon character. She says she hates wasting her time, and then she punches a puppy and sends it careening into outer space. Continuing on her tirade of sanity, she yells, “I have got to calm down before I address you because I think I’m going to run over there and throttle you with my bare hands.” She is genuinely hysterical and that seemingly attracts Bob. The more manly she acts, the better for him!

Jillian bursts into flames as she trashes Tracey. For Jillian, the most egregious thing is that Tracey disregarded that hour-long lecture. She truly doesn’t care that Tracey is weird, it’s all about Jillian’s trials and tribulations. Tracey asks if she’s not important enough to earn an hour of Jillian’s time, but Jillian counters that Tracey’s more important than anyone else. That’s why the lecture meant so much, yadda yadda. She sums it up by interviewing, “I think this girl’s crazy. She’s bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” Jillian ain’t no holla back girl, so Tracey better check herself before she wrecks herself.

Five hours later when Jillian’s rage kettle is overflowing with buttery rage corn, the trainers finally decide to train people. Bob first focuses on Antoine, who never mentioned that he partook in cupcakery, while Jillian takes Daniel and Humpty Dumpty. Amanda is Bob’s next victim and maybe the most important one since she’s currently America’s Suck. She’ll obviously be chosen as the person to weigh in for the Pink Team unless Tracey is legitimately mentally handicapped, so she has to work even harder than before. Considering her results, that means she at least needs to walk a few steps.

While Bob works his contestants to the bone, Coach Mo exercises as well.

Mo decides the best course of action is to watch Bob and Jillian train other people. He claims it’ll teach him what to do, but it’s also a delicious way of being lazy! He stares while Jillian feigns emotion and asks Danny to make choices about his workout. She’s pretending she has feelings, but the only feeling she really has is a tickle in her funny bone. She asks him to pick between the sledgehammer or kettlebells, and he picks the sledgehammer. The whole workout consists of him hitting a sledgehammer against a tire, which he then has to roll along the ground while Jillian giggles. At least she’s getting her rocks off somewhere.

Soon everyone heads outside for their next challenge. They’re met with a huge ramp and many buckets, which means this should be fantastic! Alison explains that everyone’s had a chance to gain control over the game, and now that power is up for grabs again. The winner of this challenge will get something even better than an advantage at the weigh-in: immunity! Each team has to haul 500 pounds to the top of the ramp. Once they drop that load, a flag will hoist into the air. The first team to raise their flag wins.

Just like everything else this week, the teams have a choice in this challenge. They can either carry two five-pound weights from a close range, meaning the challenge will take 40 years, or they can carry 25-pound weights from farther away. Admittedly this means the challenge will take 65 years, so I’m not sure which one is the better option.

Since Tracey and Abby are injured, they’ll sit out. That means Julio, Mo and Allen will compete individually, and they’ll only have to carry 250 pounds each. Alison gives the teams a moment to deliberate and then asks what they’ll carry. The Purple Team chooses the lighter weights because Mo is old, whereas Brown, Black, Red and Orange all choose the 25-pounders. The Green, Pink and Blue Teams opt for the 5-pound weights. With that, it’s time to begin!

The cast takes off waddling, and immediately it’s clear the 5-pound teams have an advantage. They’re at the top of the ramp before the 25-pounders have reached their weights at all. Sad day! The Pink and Green teams pull out to an early lead, which is genuinely surprising. Allen says he needs to find his pace, whereas Tina Yothers interviews via a series of wheezes.

15 minutes into the challenge, Green has a slight lead over Pink. The other teams make a pretty shocking effort, but of course Humpty Dumpty whines that it’s not fair for Allen to compete in the challenge. By Humpty’s thought process, Allen shouldn’t get to compete since he’s a firefighter, but that type of logic also means Humpty should be disqualified from every eating competition since he’s the size of a tractor trailer.

Soon after, the Pink Team needs to make five more trips up the ramp to finish, but Green only needs four trips. Then he only needs two and then zero! Allen wins, and the Green Team is safe for another week! He and Abby scream and hug each other, while Tina Yothers and Amanda sweat blood. Amanda finishes the challenge for the Pink Team, and surprisingly everyone else keeps going too. Liz says it’s silly to quit even though the winner has been declared, which is…baffling, to say the least. Rudy and Shay share her same sentiments, and even Humpty Dumpty says The Biggest Loser is teaching him one thing: finish. This is confusing though, since it’s not like he ever had trouble finishing his dinner.

All the teams complete the challenge except for Purple, which features poor Mo slaving away. To show him they’re all in it together, everyone sacks up and helps him finish, which is super sweet. Alternately they were just tired of being out in the sun; both plausible theories.

Time for the Last Chance Workout! Tina Yothers drags Jillian across the floor by a rope, which is more enjoyable every time it happens, and then Dina carts Jillian around like a mule.

The trainers decide to focus on the women, since Tracey will surely make all the girls weigh in. Bob tells Amanda there’s no way in hell she won’t climb on those scales, but Amanda thinks she and Tracey are really good friends. Apparently Tracey promised she’d never write Amanda’s name down for anything, but methinks Tracey would eat her own young if the situation called for it. That’s what schizophrenics do! Fittingly, Tracey tells us how arduous it is to have this awful responsibility. This loses some of its punch since she’s licking frosting off her fingers as she says it.

When it’s Shay’s turn to be punished, Jillian sticks her on ye olde ladder from Week One. She’s certainly better at it this time, but the most impressive thing is that she’s visibly lost weight! It’s difficult to catch in a screencap since fat just looks like fat, but her loss of 33 pounds is actually noticeable. Shay tells us she lasted 20 seconds on the ladder in Week One, while today she was able to hang in for six full minutes. I can’t even knock that, it’s impressive! It makes Jillian smile too, but whether or not it’s because she’s hiding laughter is anyone’s guess.

Jillian moves back to Dina, who’s forced to run until she soils herself. She reaches a point where she only has to move for 30 more seconds, but she still stops to catch her breath. This does not sit well with Jillian, nor do Dina’s gasps of “Jill, I’m tired!” Jillian does not strike me as a person who’s cool with nicknames, unless she’s affectionately calling someone “Fat Pig.” She asks if Dina will eat a bag of Cheetos and sit on the couch next time she’s tired. Uh, duh.

They get into a shouting match wherein Jillian explains Dina can choose to quit or choose to not quit. Then she reminds Dina of a fatty she’s worked with before, who she once made run for five whole minutes. Daniel gleefully hollers that he was that fatty! This makes everyone smile, since it’s funny that he’s using the past tense. Dina finally agrees to run on the condition that Jillian doesn’t speak to her, which is basically my favorite thing ever.

On the other side of the gym, Bob continues to drill Amanda, although certainly not in a sexual manner. He yells that he wants to see her pouring sweat, but it’s sort of a moot point since she’s literally oozing liquid. Too gross to screencap! She makes a somewhat valiant effort, especially compared to what we’ve seen her do before, but unsurprisingly she also collapses in a puddle of tears and “I can’t!”‘s. Always a winner, that girl.

Back at the house, Daniel heads to Tracey’s room to talk strategy. He thinks his team will have a better loss percentage if he gets to weigh in instead of Shay, so he’s going to tell Tracey this information. Absolutely ridiculous. Tracey asks what he wants from her, and he’s like, “Well, I’ll lose more weight than Shay, so it makes more sense for me to compete so we can stay!” Tracey agrees Shay needs to stick around, which makes this so confusing. Tracey wants to win the game, but she also wants to keep people who will pull the highest percentages? These things don’t add up! Admittedly there are creatures darting around in Tracey’s brain, so who the hell knows.

The Pink Team meets with her next, and Tracey asks what they’re thinking. Amanda confesses her numbers have been awful, so it would be great for Tina Yothers to weigh in instead. Telling Tracey these things is just marvelously dumb. Tracey says she’s worried she and Mo will fall below the yellow line, so…pack your bags, Amanda. As a trade, Tracey offers to weigh Tina Yothers if Pink promises not to vote for Purple should they be below the yellow line. Marvelously, Tina Yothers is like, “Nah, we’ll definitely vote for you.” Thank God none of these people are on Big Brother, they would be the hottest messes in the world.

Finally it’s time for the weigh-in! Everyone is universally furious with Tracey as they approach the ceremony, but more importantly, Alison rolls up in there dressed for a Renaissance Faire.

She reminds everyone what they’ve gone through this week. They’ve all had to make choices, and now Tracey has to make even bigger choices of her own. Tonight she’ll decide the team representatives. Two teams will fall below the yellow line, and one of those teams will be eliminated. As much as it sucks for these people, can I get an “Amen!” for someone finally going home? This show is two hours every week! If all these folks stick around, we’ll be here ’til the end of days.

Tracey tells the group this has been an impossible week. It’s really made her think about choices and whether she’d make the same decisions again. When asked if she would, Tracey soundly says no; she hates all this power. In response, Tina Yothers gets stank as hell.

Tracey says this week caused her a lot of stress and alienation, but luckily Coach Mo steps up and says he supports her no matter what. Sure, she totally threw him under the bus and probably fucked up his success, but he’s still a fan! This does not go over well with Jillian, which is odd indeed. Usually she’s so amenable. Jillian acknowledges that support is important, but by that same token, Tracey should’ve supported Mo and not been so profusely inconsiderate. Tracey’s eyes pop out of her head at this, but then again that’s not a stretch. Jillian openly berates Mo for standing behind Tracey, which is admittedly a large feat considering the girth of her, and then says Tracey’s full of shit.

Everyone shifts uncomfortably after this outburst, so Alison just moves on and asks the Green Team to weigh in. They’re safe from elimination but of course their progress must be charted. They board the scales, and Abby weighs in at 216 pounds, down five from last week. Allen is down four, weighing in at 292 pounds. They’ve lost a total of nine, which is fairly successful considering Abby’s injury. Good on them!

Julio is the first person to weigh in for the actual competition. He shakes his fat out as he moves onto the scales, since having lard equally distributed is very important to the process. He comes in at 368 pounds, down seven from last week. This is a total of 1.87%. He was hoping for more, but Bob applauds him wholeheartedly, so it seems like Julio did all right for himself.

The Brown Team is up next, and they mark the first team whose fate Tracey will decide. Liz tells us there’s no possible way she can pull a big number, so of course Tracey picks her. Holla! She’s down to 243 pounds, a loss of four pounds or 1.62%. Danny is also down four pounds, charting in at 390. Both of these numbers are dismal, but at least they both got the same amount, you know? Maybe that’ll make her feel less awful.

As the Blue Team approaches the scales, it seems obvious Tracey will choose Dina. She’s clearly one of the smaller contestants, so she’ll score a tiny number, right? Right, but Tracey picks Rudy instead. Amazing! Way to be strategic, Trace! Rudy grins as the scales start ticking, and sure enough, he’s lost 12 pounds. 12 pounds! This number makes Bob’s eyes well up, which is precious albeit confusing. Rudy now weighs 388, marking a loss of 3.00%. On the other side of the scale, Dina loses three pounds, bringing her weight down to 234. They’re safe for another week! All I can say is God bless Tracey’s stroke-addled brain for choosing Rudy, because I like him as much as I like idiotic choices.

Alison calls the Pink Team next, and Tina Yothers shakes from head to toe. The effort of standing on two legs is awfully tiring. The Pink Team explains they desperately want Tina Yothers to be their selected team member, so Tracey grins and picks Amanda. Yay! She tries to elaborate that she’s doing this for Amanda’s well-being, but Amanda totally calls her a liar in front of everyone, which is completely awesome. I’m in Tracey’s corner on this pick, but man, I can’t wait to see the house beat the crap out of her.

Amanda needs to lose at least four pounds to secure the Pink Team’s spot on the ranch. Everyone holds their breath as the girls climb the scales, and…

The Pink Team did amazingly! Both girls burst into tears and then joyfully give Tracey the finger. Amanda lost 2.08% of her body weight, so the Pink Team is definitely safe for next week. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

When it comes to the Red Team, Tracey picks Humpty Dumpty to represent. This seems like a stupid choice since Humpty tends to be pretty commanding up there, but both of these gentlemen are large so it’s probably a non-issue. Alas, Humpty Dumpty only pulls six pounds and he needed to lose at least seven. He weighs in at 405 this week, down 1.46%. Meanwhile Antoine is down eleven pounds, weighing 330. Unfortunately he doesn’t count, so this means the Red Team is potentially up for discussion.

Now it’s the Orange Team’s turn. Daniel announces that Tracey wants Shay to stay for as long as possible, so he’ll probably weigh in. It sure is awkward when Tracey picks Shay! In order to guarantee the Orange Team’s safety, Shay has to lose more than seven pounds. Unfortunately she only drops six, bringing her down 1.35% to a weight of 437 pounds. Daniel also loses six and weighs in at 287. Everyone claps woefully while Shay weeps, because now the Orange Team is up for discussion. Jillian says Tracey’s playing the game nastier than anyone ever has on The Biggest Loser, and all she can say about that is, “It’s just gross.” Words to live by! Tina Yothers feels the same way, erupting with, “Tracey is full of crap! She’s sick!” She wants Tracey to take responsibility for her actions, but natch Tracey stands there in wonderment.

It all comes down to the Purple Team, which is understandably hysterical. Tracey opts to weigh in for the team, a move that makes her look heroic, but Coach Mo tells us he forced her to do it. Sad trombone. With the advantage she won in the first competition, she only needs to lose two pounds to keep the Purple Team safe. It seems like a no-brainer unless she eats a Big Mac on the scales, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on the edge of my seat anyway. Coach Mo drops a single pound, bringing him down to a weight of 326, and then Tracey actually does the unthinkable.

Seriously? How is that even a thing?! Everyone’s jaw drops, but not a single person applauds. Bob starts to clap and then shoves his hands in his pockets, and Jillian settles for cursing. Both these reactions delight me! Tracey admits she doesn’t know how she lost this much weight, which is probably the last comment she should make. Her weight loss totals 5.26%, meaning the Purple Team is actually in first place for the week. Mindblowing! This also forces the Red and Orange Teams into the bottom two.

The cast has an hour to choose between Red and Orange. Bob and Jillian say their goodbyes to both teams, but it’s really obvious who’ll be leaving. Even Humpty Dumpty interviews that the choice is clear. Still, everyone heads to the house to hear the candidates’ speeches. Shay says they know her story and where she comes from. She’s had to pull herself from the dirt all her life, and she hates every single thing about herself. It’s kind of hard to respond to that, so Antoine stares at her for a full minute before speaking.

He would give anything to stay, but at the same time, he can’t campaign against the Orange Team. He’s learned a lot about choices this week, and he also realizes both he and Humpty Dumpty have a strong support system at home. They can do this on their own, and that’s exactly what he tells the cast: we’ll go. He interviews that self-sacrifice is the best gift you can give someone, and he’s completely fine with giving up his chance for Shay.

Humpty Dumpty wails that Tracey did crazy stuff this week, but he still loves her. He loves everyone in the room and would do anything for them, so now it’s time to prove it by giving Shay his opportunity. He sobs as he tells her there’s no way she can go home, and honestly, it’s all so fucking sweet that I think I need to call him Sean for the rest of the episode instead of his unfortunately appropriate nickname. My apologies, Hum Sean!

Soon the cast meets with Alison. She asks Julio how he made his choice, and he says it was easy: two of the nominees can do this at home, but the other two cannot. For that reason, Antoine and Sean need to go. For the Green Team, Abby says she’s never seen such wonderful integrity as she has tonight, and she needs to vote for Antoine and Sean. The Pink Team just cries but their vote is the same.

The next vote comes down to the Purple Team. If she picks Antoine and Sean, they’re officially eliminated. If she picks Daniel and Shay, she will be lynched. Difficult times! She says no matter what choices were made this week, two teams would’ve fallen below the line, so none of this is her fault. This probs isn’t the time to bring that up again, but whatever! She echoes everyone else’s vote: Antoine and Sean are officially not the Biggest Losers.

Looking back on his time at the ranch, Antoine says the show changed him. Sean agrees, although he says he had more emotional weight than anything, which…not so much. Both contestants claim things will be different next time we see them, and sure enough, they lived up to their promise! Sean’s lost 120 pounds and seriously looks great.

Antoine’s lost 105 pounds, bringing him down to 262! He’s friggin’ built now, which is baffling. He says he’s always wanted to be healthy and happy, and to have a family. He never imagined he’d be so close to all three. Who’s the lucky lady making the latter happen?

As Alexandra told us a few weeks ago, she fell for a contestant in the two days she was on the ranch. Now they’re in love, showing us you don’t have to be the Biggest Loser to win big! Or some similar such bullshit.

What say you? Do you love or hate Tracey now that she’s batshit crazy? Were you sad to see the Red Team go? Leave your thoughts!