The Biggest Loser: Hungry Hungry Hippos

This week on The Biggest Loser, Shay runs her mouth so much, you’d think she had something important to say! Sadly, you’d be incorrect.

We open to the Orange Team confronting the Purple Team, which involves Coach Mo sitting really awkwardly. He might wear a purple shirt, but let’s be honest, he has shit-all to do with that team. Shay says Tracey talked about wanting her to stay, to which Tracey gleefully responds in the affirmative. Shay trusted Tracey, but when she was forced to weigh in for the team, that trust disappeared forever. Tracey channels Elisabeth Hasselbeck when she answers, all wacky and wide-eyed, shouting “I care!” over and over again. Shay says she’s spent her life being hurt by people who are supposed to love her, and now Tracey’s screwed her in that same manner. I’ll agree Tracey is ridiculous, but for the love of God, at some point Shay needs to make her own damn happiness and stop being a martyr. We’ve only spent eight hours watching her and this mess is tiring; imagine hearing it for 31 years.

Coach Mo interjects that people asked Tracey for favors but didn’t offer anything back. Methinks keeping his mouth shut would be his best course of action here, but alas. Shay says there was no favor involved; Tracey claimed she loved Shay, so she should’ve acted differently at the weigh-in. Shay cries tears of canola oil as she explains that Tracey needs to be honest. Tracey is honestly crazy, so…there’s that.

The next day, the trainers meet the cast at the gym. Bob asks everyone to abandon their workout in favor of a chat, which is a really hard sell. Everyone’s just distraught. Bob tells Rudy to start talking, so Rudy launches into a very prepared speech about last night’s elimination. He says everyone pleaded their case but Antoine and Sean fell on the sword. Natch we know this isn’t actually how it happened, but I’m guessing if they admitted the Red Team threw in the towel, Jillian would drive to their homes and stab them. It would take off a few pounds, sure, but you know they’d just gain it back!

Jillian says the cast members are here for themselves, so they need to stay out of other people’s business. Bob agrees, saying everyone deserves to be here equally. It’s not up to them to decide someone else’s fate. That makes the whole voting ceremony pretty useless then, but whatevs! No one notices this flaw, probably because Bob moves on to harassing Tracey. He asks if she’s cleared for training, and she says she’ll have to check with Dr. Huizenga. She’s pretty resistant about everything, like, “Yeah, maybe I’ll be able to workout one day, probably not while I’m on this show….” Bob says she’s only getting half of the Biggest Loser experience, but admittedly if she can lose so much weight without stepping into the gym, this bitch is a force to be reckoned with.

The rest of the cast begins a group workout with Bob, and unsurprisingly Amanda does poorly. Also doing poorly: Liz and her face full of makeup.

Really, when you’re sweating buckets and your hair looks like that, is it necessary to bust out the makeup palette? Fortunately Shay has no such standards.

She talks about needing to prove herself this week, especially now that everyone chose to keep her. Logic says this should lead to a montage of her being useless, but instead we’re treated to clips of Amanda being terrible, which comes as no great surprise. I think some of these segments may actually be from last week but it’s really no issue — she’s ridiculous either way! Bob tries to encourage her by talking about how America chose her to be here. God, if America could go back and undo one collective decision, I feel like we’d nix her faster than Bush’s presidency.

Jillian works with Julio, who’s really lost his spot as Sadsack of the Bunch! Awesomely, part of his exercise routine involves Jillian shouting, “Ass down, pull!” It’s awkward how good she is at channeling my sex life. She asks Julio how he got to be 407 pounds, and it’s a completely rhetorical question, but he makes the mistake of answering honestly. He doesn’t know but he’s happy the way he is. That’s probably not the case, otherwise he never would’ve auditioned for his present humiliation, but he swears on his life that he’s happy. Jillian spits back, “Really? You look thrilled.” Hee! He may not be, but I am.

Jillian asks if he’s ever been excellent in his life, and he answers that he’s excellent in food. He knows everything about food! Understandably this makes Jillian laugh, but she stops laughing when he actually chooses exercising versus continuing the conversation. That’s a sure sign shit’s gone wrong. She questions what he likes about food, and naturally he talks for 45 minutes after that. Way to tap the conversation keg, Jillian. He explains food is his drug of choice, and he’ll never stop eating obsessively; he’ll just tone it down a little. This displeases Jillian, who says she likes to bring up difficult issues in the contestants’ lives. No, really? We hadn’t noticed. She finally tells him it’s time to jump and take a risk, but it seems like an awkward time to encourage suicide, so the show just moves on.

We jump to Dr. Huizenga’s office, where Tracey enters for a meeting. She says her heart palpitates every time they meet, but it’s also because she regularly enters cardiac arrest. He says they’ve been doing blood tests on her every three days due to the major muscle injury she suffered during that first challenge, when she expired in front of everyone. Apparently her enzyme levels have been increasing steadily over the past few weeks, which means her muscles are seriously screwed. If they don’t monitor this, she could develop kidney problems. Therefore she can’t do any kind of exercise at all. Ever. She can’t even walk! If that means she has to roll up into the weigh-in with a Hoveround, my life will be complete. Tracey bursts into frustrated tears, and Dr. Huizenga’s all like, “Well, turn to the trainers for guidance!” Sure, that should go well.

That night, Coach Mo visits Tracey’s room. He asks for details on her meeting with the doctor, and then he goes into cardiac arrest once he hears the verdict. Hilariously, she tells him her only activity can be going downstairs to have dinner with everyone. That’s comforting! She claims Dr. Huizenga doesn’t want her losing weight at all, which doesn’t exactly sound accurate, since surely he’d still like her to watch her diet. Coach Mo tells her not to worry about anything, which is really sweet. Relatedly, these folks are going home.

Soon everyone heads to the kitchen to meet with Alison. All the cabinets and cookware are locked down, to which Abby inquires, “Are we going to starve?” They can just eat Shay though, they’ll be fine! Ali says for the next seven days, the cast will have to order out for every meal. This is like paradise for them! Alison says they won’t be eating every meal at home when they leave the ranch, so they need to learn how to order healthy foods from restaurants. This means we’re about to see a lot of food covered in “lite” Ranch dressing.

The week of wild eating starts off with a Pop Challenge. Alison has three platters of dinner, and the cast needs to pick the healthiest option. Whichever team picks the correct answer will win a kitchen of healthy foods for an entire year. Huzzah! Everyone feigns excitement except Tina Yothers, but she’s living off those Family Ties residuals anyway; she doesn’t need to worry about buying food. Shay is a different story though. She works three jobs and no one loves her, and so on and so forth.

All the teams leave the room and file back in to compete individually. The first dish is ¼ roasted chicken breast without skin, ½ cup low fat creamed spinach, two-and-3/4ths ounces of sweet potatoes, ½ cup nonfat peach frozen yogurt, and two cups of unsweetened iced tea. It looks and sounds like something your grandma eats in the nursing home. The second choice is ½ rotisserie chicken with skin, ½ cup creamed spinach, ½ cup vanilla frozen yogurt, and two cups of green tea. Dinner three is ¼ barbecue chicken breast with skin, one cup peas and carrots, one cup mango slices, and one cup of skim milk. Literally none of these things look appetizing.

The groups have two minutes to ask Alison questions about the dishes, and most of them are wise enough to ask how the food is prepared. The Purple and Pink Teams focus on what they’d most like to eat though, so things are going well there. Purple, Blue, Black and Green choose the third dinner. Orange, Pink and Brown pick the first dinner. I would choose that one too, for what it’s worth, which is not much at all.

Alison gathers the cast to discuss the results. No one picked Dinner B, which is good because that shit was ridic. There’s much suspense and cliff-hanging while we wait on the correct decision, and it turns out it’s…dinner A! Success! Apparently Alison only gave food details to the teams that asked, so they weren’t privy to all the information we were. Regardless, that means three teams are in the running for free groceries!

The tiebreaker comes down to one question, and whoever’s closest without going over will win. Alison asks how many calories were in Dinner A, so the three teams scramble to discuss the answer. Daniel thinks it’s super easy, which is hopefully correct, because it would be grand for Shay to stop being such a whiner. The Brown Team picks 547 calories, the Pink Team guesses 385 calories, and the Orange Team chooses 475 calories. Instinctively I assumed the Pink Team was totally off, but alas, they are the closest to the actual answer! The dinner contained 445 calories.

Tina Yothers and Amanda lose their shit in jubilation! Amanda screeches like she’s being chased with a chainsaw, and then there’s a lot of jiggly dancing.

Unsurprisingly, Shay is bitter about the competition. She’s also bitter about her whole damn life. Oh, the hardships of being Shay! Oh, no one loves her! I would love her a lot more if she would just stop speaking. Eat some words instead of cannolis, girl.

Before Alison bids the cast adieu, she has a gift for them: the new Biggest Loser book! It’s called Simple Swaps, and presumably it’s filled with delicious foods from Yoplait, hydration tips from Brita, and ideas on storing meals with Ziploc bags. The product placement on this show is so casual, y’all.

The next morning, the cast reads through their new book to decide what foods to order. Allen has lofty goals about telling the restaurants how to cook each meal and what they can/cannot put in it. Something they will be putting in it: saliva. Everyone makes demanding phone calls to their chosen restaurants, and Liz fusses someone out in regards to putting dressing on the side. She does not want her salad tossed! Unless it’s by a pretty lady, and then she’ll reconsider. Each cast member is remarkably terrible on the phone, with Abby going so far as to specify that her chicken needs to be broiled, not cooked in any other way. Her meal will totally be fried and coated in dressing just to spite her.

The food finally arrives and everyone’s dissatisfied in one way or another. Liz thinks restaurant workers don’t read order tickets, but apparently Liz has never even entered a restaurant. The more demanding you are, the more they will fuck with your shit. She cannot understand why her salad didn’t come as asked! As sassy as she is on the phone, I wouldn’t be surprised if her dressing was straight-up urine. Anyway, everyone wails and rends their garments as they dissect their salads, and it’s a bigger tragedy than 9/11.

Soon the trainers roll up to the house. Jillian slaps the counters and gleefully asks what’s going on, naturally taking pleasure in their discomfort. Shay explains the restaurant challenge, and everyone shares their frustrations.

Danny says this challenge is teaching him a few things. Before the show, he’d barely ever made a sandwich, but now he’d prefer to make his own food. At least he knows what’s going into it, versus the sneezeburgers he’s rightfully getting from restaurants. Jillian says they’ll take the cast to dinner so the contestants can learn how to order from a menu, and Bob announces it’s a date. This makes Shay clap so much harder than she should. Silly girl, Bob doesn’t roll that way!

The group heads to a restaurant called The Spanish Kitchen, which looks yummo. A Mexican restaurant is a poor choice what with all that queso, but whatever, it’s an excuse for the cast to dress up. We’ve never really seen them outside of Biggest Loser t-shirts and underpants, so it’s a big day!

The waitstaff brings out bowls of chips and salsa, but Jillian and Bob tell the cast to refuse those treats. If treats aren’t around, they’re not a temptation. Meanwhile Shay’s picking off plates at the next table, but what can you do. Jillian giddily tells the cast they’re in the world of margaritas and chips, none of which they can have! This does not sit well with Tina Yothers, who wants all of the above. She announces she’d also like enchiladas, to which Bob trills, “And that got you on The Biggest Loser, didn’t it?” Touché!

Jillian says she hasn’t heard any reason why Tina Yothers wants to compete on this show, so Tina Yothers babbles about how it’s for herself. She wants to be skinny. Healthy would be a nice perk too, but skinny’s mostly the issue. Jillian yells that she hates the answers the cast gives.

Tina Yothers yells back, which is really freaking awkward. Apparently none of these people have enough social grace to hold it together in a restaurant. Jillian finally admits she understands the temptation for a margarita, but it’s important not to give in. Bob says the key is having control, and that he and Jillian make difficult food choices every day, but they know how to handle them.

The cast orders and it’s as humiliating as you’d imagine. For every word a contestant utters, Bob and Jillian smack them down. No tacos! Sauce on the side! Make it grilled! Their orders turn out kind of questionable.

When Shay’s food arrives, she immediately has it sent back because her vegetables have too much oil on them. She tells us not to feel bad about sending things back, since the waitstaff is there to help you. God bless, she’d better be a big tipper or else she needs to count the calories in spitballs. Jillian decides Amanda has the healthiest meal out of the group, weighing in at approximately 350 calories. Amanda ordered some salad concoction with half an avocado, a small chicken breast, a papaya, and lettuce. Bob also commends Dina’s food choice, which is like, beans and peppers. He decides the restaurant venture was a success, so everyone toasts to the start of a very good friendship.

Later we meet the cast at Wild Rivers Waterpark, which legit looks delightful. Everyone is thoroughly displeased with it, however, because it probably means wearing bathing suits. Clearly this is an upsetting thought, when they’re regularly subjected to wearing underwear in front of the world. What a trade-off! Alison welcomes them and says they’ll be competing for immunity. This is a huge deal for the cast. The Orange Team wants to win because Daniel went home in Week Four last season, and the Purple Team needs to win because they’re screwed otherwise.

They stand in front of a pool with an elevated platform above them. Each team member will grab a handlebar on the platform and then hang on for dear life. The platform will get steeper until it’s in a completely vertical position. Whoever hangs on the longest wins! This challenge should take about 27 seconds max. Upon hearing the challenge details, Shay bursts into tears. This is so hard! No one loves her! Cry me a river and build me a bridge, Shay.

Since Abby and Tracey are both tetraplegics, they’re disqualified from the competition. The rest of the cast gets suited into life vests, and then they’re positioned on the platform. As soon as they climb on, it starts rotating.

Everyone starts to fall instantly, which is totally fantastic. What a battle of the wills! Liz is afraid of heights, so she starts weeping the second she grabs the handlebar. It becomes one of those things where she’s more afraid to fall than she is to hang, but sure enough, she’s the first person down. Danny is not far behind her, not because he’s afraid but because he’s 800 pounds. The Brown Team is out of the competition!

Amanda falls next, followed by Rudy. Basically the only people doing well are Allen and Dina, the latter of which is sort of surprising. She’s smiling the entire time, and it’s weird considering how much she bitches in the gym. Who knew she was strong? Tina Yothers falls fifth, eliminating the Pink Team. Unfortunately Dina is out sixth, disqualifying the Blue Team and leaving Shay the only girl hanging. Shay is delighted, but at the back of her mind she still realizes no one loves her, so she can only be so happy.

Coach Mo goes down, bringing us to the final four. It’s the Orange Team versus Allen and Julio, and all of them are seriously kicking ass. Julio tells us he’s not sure if he can hang any longer, but Daniel says he could hang all day. Such is not the case for Shay, however, who slides into the water. It may shock you, but the water doesn’t love her either. Julio falls next, and that means the competition is between Allen and Daniel. Daniel says Allen’s a firefighter, so Allen’s probably as fit as he is. Then I blacked out from laughter so I’m not sure what comes next.

They both hang for so long, we have time to go to commercial break! When we return, they still haven’t budged. Both seem like they could go forever, but finally Allen exclaims, “All right, see ya!” and falls. So flippant, I love it! Alison squeals that Daniel won the competition, and he yells back, “Are you serious right now?”

The Orange Team is safe for the week! Finally someone loved Shay enough to win something for her! If only Daniel could’ve won her a first-class ticket off this show.

Time for the Last Chance Workout! It’s the usual rigmarole, with the shouting of “Last chance! Last chaaance!” like the trainers are from the cast of 300. Since Bob and Jillian haven’t been privy to the contestants’ meals this week, they really need to work them hard. Everyone runs on the treadmill with varied success, while Jillian takes Rudy outside. He seems able to handle the workouts solo, so I’m not sure why she consistently picks on him, but whatevs. She has him dangle kettlebells in the air while he walks a mile, and he looks great while doing it.

Maybe not so much. He finally hits his limit and tells Jillian he’s dizzy, but unsurprisingly she doesn’t care. Her expert advice is “you either drop dead or you make it happen.” She’s bound to give a smashing eulogy at his funeral! He tells us Jillian’s killing him and he’s not mentally prepared for it. Still, he realizes he has to push harder to ensure the Blue Team isn’t going home.

Across the gym, Bob works with Amanda as always. Rudy probs doesn’t have anything to worry about as long as Amanda’s still in this competition! Bob says the Pink Team has to work for every single pound they lose, so he’s going to make their Last Chance Workout as difficult as possible so they understand their struggle. I’m not sure if any of that actually makes sense, but no matter, that’s his plan.

Liz thinks she gained weight this week, so the Brown Team needs to step it up in the gym as well.

Don’t worry, the second Liz climbs on that platform, she promptly topples backwards. Success! Bob laughs out loud when she falls, which is fantastic, and then swiftly walks away from her. He tells the group he wants everyone moving, so that’s the perfect time to cut to Tracey, sitting woefully at the dining room table.

She’s playing a hearty game of Solitaire, so at least she’s exercising her hands! Surely that’ll lose a pound or two. While she relaxes, Mo has to work twice as hard to protect the Purple Team. His exercises mostly consist of weightlifting, which is probably pointless since that builds muscle and causes weight gain. Naturally no one on the show thinks of anything like this. He powers through, while Tracey…

During a workout I can’t rationalize (it’s like kneeling next to a bench), Coach Mo collapses. Naturally this isn’t the first time he’s gone down, so no one really looks up, but his shrieks of pain draw some attention. He rolls over and grabs his back, so Bob and a medic join him at the bench. I’d joke about Coach Mo breaking his back but he probably did, so it’s just kind of unfortunate.

Bob says Coach Mo is panicking, and that’s making his back feel worse. This is the gym equivalent of “Rub some dirt on it.” After letting Mo sulk for a bit, Bob joins him to see how he’s doing. Shockingly, he’s doing poorly. Bob tells us it’s been a battle to keep Mo positive for the past month, so he defensively asks if Mo’s thinking of going home. I love how accusatory Bob gets, as though every action in the world is an attack against him. More often than not, it probably is, but still. Coach Mo says going home is a viable option, but Bob tells him to wait an hour and decide. An hour will make all the difference, I’m sure.

Seemingly seconds later, Mo tells us he came to this show to change his life, and he needs to stick it out. With that in mind, he hobbles back inside, where he’s met with straight-up glares from Daniel and Shay. Maybe those are just their workout faces, but Shay was probably mad that someone loved Mo enough to root for him. No one’s ever loved her, you’ll recall! Mo groans his way onto an exercise bike, and Bob happily shouts, “Last Chance Workout!” Thank God he reminded us of this special occasion.

Soon it’s time for the weigh-in! Danny has no idea what’ll happen during the ceremony, calling it a crapshoot. Liz agrees, saying this will be the craziest week in all of Biggest Loser history, since everyone will probably gain weight. She shouldn’t even speak of such things, Jillian’s getting wet at the thought.

Alison, who’s wearing her living room curtains, reminds everyone what they’ve been through this week. They had to order out for every meal, so tonight it’s important to see both their physical and mental progress. Dina speaks to the difficulties of ordering out, saying she probably went under her required calorie amount because she was nervous about how foods were prepared. Then Alison asks Liz to sum up the week, and before Liz can even open her yap, Alison’s like, “A one-word answer, please.” Liz says, “It sucked,” and Alison admonishes her for not following directions. When Liz was born back at the dawn of time, she made the directions!

As always, the teams with the lowest percentage of weight loss will fall below the yellow line. The Orange Team has immunity, but they’ll weigh in first to chart their progress. Shay says immunity doesn’t matter; what matters is dropping below 400 pounds. Considering she’s at 437 pounds right now, I’m gonna say that’s a lofty goal for this ceremony. She’d be awfully lucky to be at 430. Both team members climb on the scales and anxiously await their results.

Daniel was mighty lucky to win that immunity! He says eating out did him in, and Alison’s like, “Daniel, you know better than that.” He probably does, but uh, it’s not like he had an option. Bob and Jillian accuse him of being strategic. They say he wants to look like he’s not a threat so people will keep him around, but seriously, odds are he just enjoyed the shit out of some chicken fingers all week. The Orange Team’s percentage of weight loss is a comical 0.69%, since Shay lost five pounds, so they’re fortunate to be immune.

The Green Team is next, and Abby looks terrified. She’s only allowed to exercise by swimming, so she could potentially screw up this week. Both board the scales and things go moderately well! Abby loses three pounds, bringing her to a weight of 213, and Allen drops seven to weigh in at 285. Abby’s slightly ashamed of course, but she says this is a marathon, not a sprint. Allen’s really pleased with his number, as he should be. Together they’re down 1.97%.

The Blue Team is the second to weigh in. Rudy’s worried he’ll plateau, but as always, he and Dina pull through! Dina loses five pounds to weigh in at 229, and Rudy drops a whopping eleven, bringing him to 377 pounds! Rudy’s lost 65 pounds in four weeks, which is both amazing and appalling at once. Their weight loss percentage is 2.57%, putting them in the lead.

Next up is the Brown Team, and Liz decides to put all her eggs in Danny’s basket. She’s absolutely sure she’ll do poorly, which is both optimistic and comforting, natch. Danny measures a loss of eight pounds, bringing him to 382, while Liz weighs 240 pounds, down three. At least she didn’t gain? Everyone claps except for Jillian, which is probably a good indicator of their progress. The Brown Team’s percentage is 1.74%, so they face the prospect of being up for discussion.

Luckily the Purple Team is the fourth to weigh in, so the Browns need not fear! Neither Mo nor Tracey are ambulatory, literally having to hold onto each other and launch themselves to the scales. Alison asks if Tracey has a goal for the week, and Tracey’s giddily like, “To gain weight! It’s another step to getting better!” Everyone else is equally hopeful that cramming her Twinkiehole will pay off. For the Purple Team to be safe from elimination, they need to lose a hilarious total of ten pounds.

So hearty are the cast’s LOLs, we cut to a commercial break so everyone can catch their breath. When we come back, the results are in!

Wait, how is this possible? How does the Purple Team pull this off every week? Don’t get me wrong, I’m legitimately delighted to keep Tracey around as the villain, but damn! Everyone claps sans Shay, who rolls her eyes and sighs enormously. In other news, the scales don’t love her either. Nonetheless, the Purple Team’s loss makes up 2.21%, meaning they’re definitely safe from elimination.

The Black Team is next, and Julio feels confident even though he needs to lose more than seven pounds. Unfortunately this is misguided. He’s down four pounds, weighing in at 364. This really upsets Bob.

Julio says he struggled mightly to get those four pounds, and he’s proud of every one of them. Alison chimes in with, “But it’s still…” and he cuts her off like, “It is what it is, you dumb bitch.” Testy! His loss only makes up 1.09%, meaning he’s absolutely below the yellow line. The other spot will either be the Brown Team or the Pink Team, depending on this final weigh-in.

The Pink Team heads for the scales. Amanda worries she’ll let America down, as though she hasn’t already done that for three solid weeks. Tina Yothers is certain she’ll pull a big number though, so she thinks she can compensate. Everyone holds their breath while the girls weigh in, but they pull it off! Tina Yothers is down four pounds to 244, while Amanda drops five, bringing her to 230 pounds. She makes weird hand motions that undulate her entire body, and then she bursts into a celebratory dance. Everyone is thrilled! Except for the Brown Team, natch. They pretty much hate her guts.

The Pink Team loses 1.86% of their weight, so the bottom two is officially the Black and Brown Teams. Bob and Jillian say their goodbyes, which last for about three seconds total, and then everyone’s left to deliberate. Julio says it’s better for the cast to lose two people, but really, what are the chances of anyone seeing it his way? They’ll totally decide it’s easier to ditch one person instead.

The contestants settle down to hear the nominees’ speeches. Liz refuses to campaign against Julio, which is both sweet and idiotic, but Julio does not reciprocate these feelings. He says this is his worst-case scenario since he loves the Brown Team so much, and then he reminds everyone that he really, really doesn’t want to go home. Liz tells the group this is also her worst-case scenario, and she’ll be heartbroken no matter what.

Liz doesn’t want to go home but doesn’t want Julio to leave either. Amanda asks if Liz would be able to finish her journey alone, and Liz doesn’t have the answer to that question. She could never do it before, but things could be different now, right? Probs not. Danny says he’ll fight if he gets eliminated, although he’s scared to go home. Coach Mo jumps in to say everyone has to go home at some point, so suck it up, mothafucka. Danny is appropriately shamed, but he says the fitness mountain doesn’t seem so challenging here. When he goes home, he’s got the kids and bills and his wife; all that annoying shit gets in the way. His family must be so proud!

Mo asks Julio if he could finish the journey at home, and Julio says he will if necessary. That’s probably the wrong answer, but at least he’s honest. Then Julio reminds us for the hundredth time that this is the worst-case scenario and also, no one loves Shay.

The nominees leave so each team can deliberate. On the Purple Team, Mo has a deal with Julio that he’ll never evict him…but Tracey has the same deal with Liz. Awkward! It would be wise of Tracey to do Mo a solid, since he does legitimately everything else for her, but you know it’ll go her way. The Pink and Orange Teams conspire together, agreeing that Liz would send both of them home in a heartbeat. I like that everyone understands Liz is a curmudgeon! Admittedly I can’t blame her, since she’s 49 years old but looks 74 if she’s a day.

Time for the eviction ceremony! This round it’s legitimately a toss-up, so everyone is weepified as they enter the deliberation room. The Orange Team chooses the team that will do best at home, and they honestly believe Julio can do that. The Blue Team explains they argued back and forth, but ultimately they had to pick someone: they want Liz and Danny gone. Dina curls into a woeball after voting, so Rudy does the rest of the talking. He says Liz and Danny can turn to each other once they’re off the ranch, but Julio would be on his own. That means the votes are tied.

The Green Team couldn’t make this choice with their hearts, so they voted using logic. Thusly they want Julio out. Alison asks what they mean re: logic, and Allen answers with, “He’s one of my closest friends, so the logic is that I can help two people as opposed to one.” That’s not logical, actually, but what’s done is done! If Julio receives one more vote, he’ll be eliminated. Mo looks pissed as Tracey explains their vote.

Tracey tells Alison that Mo could never vote for Julio, and she could never vote for Liz, so they’re really in a pickle. There’s much sobbing as she does the final reveal, which takes about 27 minutes in true Tracey fashion. After much grinding of teeth, the Purple Team votes for Julio! Tracey gets her way once again!

Julio says this ceremony was a coin-flip, and there was no winning or losing either way. Luckily he has a supportive family and they’ll never let him quit. He’s ready to get home, which is awesome because he is officially not the Biggest Loser, although he’ll forever be one in our hearts.

Coming into the show, Julio was nervous about leading his family into a life of unhealthy living. Going home, however, he’s prepared to turn things around. He’s stronger physically and mentally, and he’s no longer afraid for his future. He promises life will be different and that he’ll be slim and fit next time we see him! Did he live up to this goal?

He started off at 407 pounds and now weighs 299, so he’s definitely come a long way! He says the gym is his second home now, a statement that’s questionable at best, but he’s totally making an effort. Also, he now bears a striking resemblance to Fred Flintstone.

What say you? Are you sad to see Julio go? Are you officially as over Shay as I am? Leave your thoughts!