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Hi Gasmii! As of TODAY, I am taking over recaps of The Biggest Loser from Bailey Quarters. The last two episodes will go un-recapped due to the slow transition of power. But, not to worry, I can fill you in on what you missed: Some fat people got kicked off and some other fat people lost some weight. And some fat people probably cried. Got it? Let’s go!
Okay, ANOTHER little important tidbit that y’all missed during the transition of power was that there are now TWO teams. We’ve split up into Blue and Black teams. Bob trains the Blue and Jillian has the black. Tracey won some contest to choose teams and severely pissed everyone off by splitting up all the teammates. Also, Tracey is just plain crazy. Then again, ANYone who wants to be on this show is crazy by default and probably in need of some sort of diagnosis. And who is better for giving unwanted and unqualified psychological advice other than Miss Jillian?
Anyway, time to move on and really sink our teeth into Episode Numero Ocho! The show opens with it’s montage of grunts and muffin tops. As the theme music to the show plays, the contestants effectively grunt along in tune. It’s amazing, really. All it’s missing are the musical medleys of someone playing skin harp on one of those big floppy bellies! Any volunteers for that one?
After eliminating Dina, the black team re-enters the house sniffling and dejected. I would think they’d be excited because it’s one less person to split the food supply with. What? Did you really think I wouldn’t be making fat jokes with this show? It’s okay. Shamu is one of my best friends, so I’m allowed to joke about these things. Amanda tells us that she voted Dina out of the house because she’s better friends with the other people on her team. Liz tells us that she doesn’t buy the tears. She thinks that the black team enjoyed getting rid of Dina. Why Liz is so mean, I dunno. But we’re only five minutes in and I’m already ready for her to shut her trap. Wrinkles and all.
This, my friends, is the look of Smug Superiority.
The next morning, the teams meet Allison Sweeney outside. She tells Rudy that if he loses 100 pounds, then he will have set a Biggest Loser record. Um. What? Okay, I’m new to this season, so I don’t know what this guy’s been doing, but how on earth does one lose 100 pounds in SEVEN WEEKS?! They must be sucking the fat out of him in some illegal way, right? Maybe they are slowing removing his internal organs to shed the pounds. How much does a kidney weigh? Rudy looks like the type of dude who could easily function with just one. Anyway, Dane lost the same amount of weight in eight weeks last season, so Rudy would be breaking his record. Huzzah! Fat people with goals are just adorable.
So that skinny bitch Allison tells us that this week, they’ll be going head-to-head with someone from the opposite team. Whoa! Shocker! You’re telling me they’ll be — GASP! — competing with the opposite team?!?! It just can’t be. They’ll face off against their opponent at the weigh-in. Each winner will score a point for their team. The team with the most points wins.
Whoever wins the POP CHALLENGE will choose competitors. Hmm…pop challenge. Kinda like a pop quiz. Speaking of those, you know how some teachers call those “quizzacles?” What do you think they call tests, then? Quizzacle…? Testic…? Go ahead and connect the dots on that one, Gasmii. Speaking of balls, this pop challenge involves a long, sleek bar. They have to weave under the bar and touch discs hanging on either side. Each time they touch the disc, it’s one point. The first team to 500 points wins. Only one player can compete at a time, and each player only gets one turn. At first I thought this looked easy. But then I thought about how I lost my breath by walking up the one flight of stairs to my office earlier today, and then I decided that not only was this challenge next to impossible but also cruel and unusual.
The bell sounds, and it’s seriously like the Special Olympics. I’m sorry. I know that’s offensive. All of my hate mail can be directed to Flip It. The black team starts off ahead when Abby makes a strong showing against Tracey, who exclaims, “Darn tootin’ I’m going to 100!” Yikes. Tracey really must work harder to mask her inner Yosemite Sam. Allan, however, then takes the lead for the Blue Team as he slaps those discs silly! Oh, and then MY favorite part of the show: Liz falls down! See? Not even GRAVITY likes that crazy old coot.
Liz tags Rudy in, who makes up ground. The competition is tight until the very end. But then Becca goes completely disc-slapping bonkers and blows Daniel out of the water at the very end. The Blue team wins!
The black team is sad that they’ve lost every challenge. The blue team goes to deliberate match-ups for the competition. They meet in a boxing ring to announce their decisions. Becca will compete against Amanda. Tracey will face Abby. Allan is paired with Danny. Rudy with Shay. Liz is up against Daniel. And I’ll be competing against my strong desire to fall asleep during this show. Luckily, I have the home-team advantage of uppers, downers, and candy corn.
The blue team starts by training in the pool with Bob. He tells them to splash the water so hard that it creates a hurricane. I want SO badly to make a whale joke right here, but it’s just too easy. Although that would be a perfect segue into my hilarious material about Bob’s blow-hole.
The black team is in the gym with Jillian who is perched on the top of Amanda’s treadmill like a freakin’ vulture. Seriously, she’s just stalking that poor girl, waiting for her to fail so that she can rip apart her meaty carcass. Naturally, Amanda cracks under the pressure of Jillian’s death stare. She totally freaks out, cries and eventually leaves the gym entirely. She whines about the tv cameras and being a fat girl. But, really, I think her strategy is to lose water weight through crying buckets. Think about it. It’s really not a bad idea. The best part about the whole scene is that poor Danny is trying to jog on the next treadmill over. He appears obviously awkward and eventually slinks away to hide under a stair master.
Later, the teams meet Allison at a baseball field. Danny spouts off some crap about how he’s wearing a #73 jersey because that’s the number of Jimmy Dean sausages he ate that morning. And also the number on his jersey when he won state in 1985. Omg. Not another one of THOSE guys. He is one bad haircut away from morphing into Napoleon Dynamite’s Uncle Rico. Maybe he should buy a time machine from the Internet to go replay his glory days. Funny though because my school was actually The Bombers too.
Pre-Flavor Saver, Soul Patch, Tiny Beard Thing
The ground is covered in baseballs, and there are also enormous photos of the contestants that were taken when they first came to the ranch. So they are even fatter in the photos and are horrified by the way they used to look. Who better to tell them the rules of this pointless challenge than Derek Jeter, natch! Poor DJ. His agent must have drawn up an extra weird contract for him this year. When a commitment to appear on The Biggest Loser is written in the fine print, then you got hosed. Derek first congratulates Daniel on his second season of being morbidly obese and then points out that the black team completely sucks. Isn’t it beautiful to know that Derek Jeter cares? I was touched.
Our corpulent competitors have to grab as many balls as they can and throw them at the giant photos of their opponents. When one person’s photo is hit by 316 balls, then they are out of the game. The winning team will have lunch cooked by Curtis Stone and a two pound advantage at weigh-in. Abby is unable to play, so Tracey will also be sitting out.
The teams start gathering balls in their mitts and throw them at the targets. Sadly, it’s actually more exciting than baseball. In fact, baseball should be played like this from now on. I’d love to see giant photos of baseball players all in their underwear. The most interesting part of this challenge is when Liz claims that she’s 50 years old! Um, someone obviously can’t do math. I would have guessed that she’s not one day younger than 942. The Black team slowly picks off the Blue members, starting with their best player, Allan. This strategy causes them to easily win.
The Black team immediately goes to meet Curtis for a lesson in grilling. Isn’t it counterproductive to reward the winners with a bunch of food? Hello, emotional eating trends! Trust me, I’m an expert in that area. Anyway, Curtis is there to show them hands-on tips for grilling healthy food. All I can think about is how I’d accept HANDS-ON experience with him any day! In fact, I think we could all learn much better if he was wearing ONLY the apron.
The Black team enjoys the food. And I think it’d be really funny if the Blue team was forced to watch them eat. I know I’d laugh.
The next day, the Black team quietly works out in the gym. Jillian asks what Abby is gaining. She says she’s able to love people again because it’s scary to love people when you’re fat. Jillian asks what it was like to lose everything she’s ever loved. We hear Abby’s story again. Her husband, daughter and baby were killed five miles from her home by a speeding driver. She tells Jillian that she was supposed to be in the van, but she wasn’t. She says she wants to live now and not just exist.
Amanda takes Jillian outside to talk about the break-down she had in the gym the other day. Jillian says that she didn’t walk out on her, she walked out on herself. Amanda says it’s hard to be the leader when she used to always be the fat girl in the back. She’s scared of change. And then I fell asleep. Sorry but Amanda and her “former fat girl” sob story just bores me to tears. Nothing but the shocking site of Danny’s baloney nipples can possibly pull me out of this haze.
Meanwhile, Bob is making Allan jump onto boxes, and this is, for some reason, empowering. But Bob is seems really into it. Danny is lifting weight and massively grunting. What is WITH these people and grunting? Does it really make them more productive?
Also, I’ll never view vanilla muffin tops in the same way EVER again.
When learn more about Shay. She is climbing a ladder, which she says mirrors the pain in her life. She tells Jillian about how her mom shot up drugs in front of her and had men in her hotel room while she was in the closet. Wow, sexiling your daughter is pretty low, Shay’s Mom. That is only acceptable with college roommates or at hotel rooms in Vegas.
Okay, moving right along, we are now at the weigh in! The Black team gives their two-point advantage to Amanda. She loses four pounds, which becomes six pounds. (I, too, am impressed by my superior brain power when it comes to adding!) Rebecca loses nine pounds, though, so Blue gains a point.
Tracey loses five pounds to Abby’s three. So the Blue team only needs one more point to win. But Danny loses 12 pounds, beating Allan’s eight, so Black stays in the game.
Boobs like that only belong in National Geographic.
Next up, Liz loses seven pounds to Daniel’s five. So the Blue team wins the weigh off! But they still need to weigh Shay and Rudy. Shay loses nine pounds, so that gives Danny immunity. As for Rudy, now we get to find out if he broke Dane’s record by losing 100 pounds in seven weeks. Dane actually shows up! He tells us that he’ll be competing in a triathlon in the morning with 12 other former contestants. And the build up gets so big that I wonder how embarrassing it will be if Rudy were to gain weight. But alas! Rudy loses 14 pounds and officially breaks the record! Everyone cheers. I wonder if he’s been secretly sucking his fat out at night and injecting it into poor struggling Daniel. Is it possible to conduct a covert fat transfusion mission?
In the elimination room, Abby asks to go home. She says something about knowing how to soar and being able to fly at home. Whatever. It’s all her teammates need to give her the axe. So Abby goes packing this week. She swims in a river of tears back to her home town where she see her reunited with friends and family. She’s now lost 80 pounds and travels the country as a motivational speaker.
Abby says that she was able to take a tragic event and turn it into something positive. Does that mean there’s hope for this show???
All right, Gasmii! That’s it for this week!