This week on The Biggest Loser, some fat people get really patriotic. Sadly, this doesn’t include them draping their naked bodies in an American flag.
We start the show with Ali congratulating the teams for making it to Week 8. She says they need to use the time there to the best of their advantage because Americans look to them for hope and inspiration. Obesity is sweeping the nation, and they are helping stop it. They’ll be spending the next seven days, helping America be happier. Our contestants looks around, guffawing and confused. And then Ali let’s them in on the news that they are off to Washington DC! They are all excited to see their favorite historic figure: Dolly Madison.
Real American Hero
Becca is excited because she’s a political science major and wants to be Barack Obama. Yeah, that makes sense. Competing on a reality show is definitely the best route to political success. Then again, Barack IS from the Southside of Chicago. I guess that kinda counts as a version of “Survivor.” Both have similar amounts of goat blood and desperation. On the plane, everyone is super excited to fit into the seats without needing a seat belt extender. Daniel then plugs Jet Blue by saying that it has a lot of leg room and really accommodates his fleshy thighs. They are lucky that this is 2009 and not 2002. Did anyone else fly to DC right after 9/11? You weren’t allowed to stand up on the plane AT ALL, lest you wanted the plane to be diverted into an emergency landing. So had Rudy, for example, shifted around to adjust his big self in the uncomfortable seat or tugged out a wedgie, he would be instantly tased. Pity.
Danny tells us that just a week ago he was the fat guy on the couch, but now he’s in DC. DC, you see, has a weight limit. You have to stand on a giant scale before being allowed through the emerald gates. Fatties Forboden. Does Danny remind anyone else of Billy Ray Cyrus, by the way? Maybe it’s just the soul patch and the voice, but there’s definitely a shared quality there. If Billy Ray accomplished so much with nothing but a mullet and one terrible song, then my money is on Danny for the win.
Our chubby buddies make it to DC and meet Ali on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. Also there are Bob and Jillian. And here I thought that terrorists weren’t allowed in DC! How did Jillian possibly make it there without getting tased on the plane? I would have thought the Air Marshal would have socked her in the mouth the second she started doing push-ups on the pilot’s back. Anyway, Ali says something about Jefferson preserving rights and somehow that segues into how they’ll be competing as individuals instead of on teams. So they all put on their original shirt colors.
Ali points out that Shay is still more than 400 pounds but only has two pounds left. But now it’s time for the pop challenge! Jillian and Bob are giving a public work-out at the Washington Monument. The challenge is to get as many people there as they can. Whoever gets the most people there within 60 minutes, wins. They’ll pass out stickers with their names on them to identify people they’ve found. The winner will get a big advantage at the next challenge and will get to have Subway for dinner. Somewhere, Jared Fogel is feeling very uncomfortable…
“Fat people who are getting thin by eating Subway?! I must knee-cap them, Tonya Harding-style…”
And they’re off! Everyone has a strategy when luring people. Amanda and Daniel use their “fame” from the past season. Allan targets his brotherhood of firefighters. Liz acts like a pathetic old woman and vies for the sympathy vote. Tracey uses fear tactics by barking at passersby and bulging her eyes out at them. And I don’t know what Danny is doing. But I bet his soul patch is worried by his low performance in this challenge. It’s pretty obvious from early on that Amanda and Daniel are splitting the vote. Tracey and Danny are pretty much doing horribly. Rudy is nowhere to be found. So that leaves it between Allan and Liz.
They finish passing out stickers and threatening citizens and head to the work-out area. A medium-sized group gathers, which everyone keeps saying is HUGE. But, hello, we all have eyes, and that AIN’T huge. I feel so bad because all of these people are in crappy tourist clothes and are not even close to being prepared to work-out. It’s a little hard to do a push-up when your camera keeps bouncing off your back and your fanny pack keeps hitting the ground. Anyway, trucks of firefighters show up for Allan, which is actually pretty awesome. But sadly, Liz wins by one vote. She shrieks, jumps around and practically breaks a hip. Then Bob and Jillian come out to lead everyone in a giant aerobics class. Jillian circulates the crowd, abusing everyone. She especially spend a lot of time abusing a poor lady in a peach pantsuit. Bob, meanwhile, is too busy sitting on the backs of hot, sweaty firefighters to remember to do his job.
“There’s a fire in my pants! Put it out with your hose!”
Afterwards, Liz’s team gets to enjoy Subway for free. Jillian recommends that they order off the fit menu. Then we watch a bunch of tourists eat sandwiches, and it is truly television at it’s finest.
The next day, Bob and Jillian take the contestants to meet Kirsten Gillibrand and Bob Casey, who are both members of the U.S. Senate. Daniel leads most of the lobbying effort because he brought a giant pair of jeans that he used to wear. He tells them that obesity ruined his education and his self-confidence. He believes that schools should better emphasize physical activity. The senators pretend to take notes. The contestants feel like they’ve made a difference because they just told America about fat people. And America has never heard of such thing before.
“Don’t worry. I pretend to care for a living.”
But enough of that! Off to meet Ali at Constitution Gardens! Ali says they’ll be visiting four landmarks in today’s challenge, and the winner will get immunity at the weigh-in. The first part of the challenge will be to run two laps around the garden, which equals one mile. Tracey cries thinking about when she tried to run on the first day and collapsed on the beach. Don’t feel sorry for her, Gasmii! It’s Tracey! She’s trying to manipulate us with her buggy eyes full of emotion! Because Liz won the Pop Challenge, she can skip one of the four parts of the challenge except for the last one. The top six finishers of this run will move on to the next challenge.
Having to jog on a weight-loss show is simply too much to bear…
Aaaand they’re off! Allan and Becca start off neck-in-neck in the front of the pack. Shay is walking and in last place but feels confident. And people who had to walk on the first day aren’t having to walk at all. It is pretty amazing how well they are all doing. Becca wins pretty easily. Daniel finishes second. Allan third. Amanda fourth. Rudy fifth and Liz sixth. Danny, Tracey and Shay will not compete in the next round but they do finish the race.
At the next stage, they are at the Watergate steps. Each player has bazillions of pennies on the stairs. They will race down the steps, pick up pennies, race back up and put them in their bank. Whoever reaches the line on their bank wins. Liz decides to sit the round out. She thinks they’ll wear themselves out on this round and she’ll have an advantage the next time. She cackles on and on about how awesome of a plan this is, and then I go back to washing the dishes.
Now there’s something you should all know about Rudy. Rudy’s hands are shovels. And they shovel up pennies real good! Daniel refers to them as “banana hands.” Perhaps he is confusing hands with ANOTHER body part that looks more like a banana… Hands aside, because he’s a big gosh-golly-gee giant, he’s able to take the stairs two at a time. So he wins easily and then climbs his beanstalk back up to the sky. Daniel comes in next, and the last spot goes to Allan who beats Allan by a HAIR. Ali gets freakishly excited by how close it is. Geez, lady, they are jamming pennies down a tube. They aren’t sampling new brands of self tanner. Calm down.
The third part of the challenge is about balancing. They will stand on a narrow ledge on top of a platform while holding a pilates ball over their heads. The two who hold on the longest will compete in the final. The men naturally have a very difficult time with this challenge given their enormous flipper feet and high center of gravity (RE: man boobs). It makes them very topsy turvy. Daniel falls first and then Liz. So Rudy and Becca will face off in the final for immunity.
The last part takes place in front of the White House. They each have a little step aerobics step. The first person to take 206 steps wins. This number is significant because there have been 206 contestants on the biggest loser so far. The tone goes off and Becca and Rudy prance all over the place and are neck and neck. Then Becca pulls ahead. Rudy tells us that he’s doing his best, but he is no match for Becca’s giggling, clappy madness. Becca hits 206 and it’s all over.
Moral of the Story: Giant spatula hands can only get you so far in life.
Bob meets with Amanda one-on-one and shameless product placement. He wants her to keep her head in the game, and he tells her to chew EXTRA gum to curb her cravings for sweet foods. Amanda says that EXTRA gum sounds great because EXTRA gum has tons of flavor. Bob gives her a piece of EXTRA gum right there, and she immediately puts the EXTRA gum in her mouth.
After that ridiculous segment, we head off to the White House. And I am REALLY hoping that Barack Obama will NOT be there. In fact, I’m hoping that NONE of the Obamas will be there. Not even that giant fluffy poodle dog thing. If the Obamas can make time for The Biggest Loser, then I will be EXTRA disappointed. I want them to be doing more important things like saving the world and attending my birthday party. And phew! No Obamas there! Just the assistant White House chef. That’s right. Not even the HEAD chef. Just the assistant. Okay, I can handle this. The assistant takes them to Michelle’s garden where they will pick veggies for a salad. Bob gets SUPER excited, saying how much he loves that the administration has a garden. He’s so excited that I think he doesn’t realize that there aren’t hot firefighters also planted in the garden.
Rudy picks some weird green weiner plant.
After gathering up veggies, they go to the White House kitchen and chop ‘em up. The assistant chef turns it into a yummy salad, and they all munch away. Shay says something about how it’s crazy to be in the same place where Barack goes to grab a bowl of cereal in the middle of the night. Now I’m wondering what kind of cereal he’d eat. Cap’n Crunch, I bet. Something that crunches to a good cadence.
Time for last minute work outs! Jillian makes everyone climb up stairs and at one point, Rudy is even carrying her like a big lumberjack carrying a log. Then Bob makes them lift weights. And, oh, I HATE when they lift weights!!! It always makes them grunt and all their shirts ride up, and then I can’t eat for days. Or I try to eat, but I just can’t keep it down.
How many more of these scenes can one person live through?!!?!?
Jillian plays creepy psychological mind games on Tracey who eventually breaks. Jillian is then pleased, saying that Tracey has a breakthrough. Amanda has a heart-to-heart with Bob because he asks why she stormed out on Jillian last week. She cries and says she missed out on the prom because she was fat. Wait. That whole thing was about PROM!? Okay, if I continued to think about my senior prom then I’d cry every day too! My hairdo was like a crusty helmet and I drank too much champagne beforehand and threw up on my date’s lap. No one had fun at prom, Amanda! You did yourself a favor by missing out. Put on a crappy dress and dance to Montel Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It” in your bedroom. Trust me, it’s the same difference.
Later that night, our contestants have weigh-in at the Lincoln Memorial. They keep putting the camera on Lincoln’s face, and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. I bet that out of all of the atrocities that he’s ever seen, this is, by far, the grossest. Oh that humanity… Because Becca won immunity, so she’s on the scale first. She loses four pounds and is 20 pounds away from being under 200 pounds.
Shay loses nine pounds, falling to 393 pounds. Tracey loses three pounds and isn’t happy with it because she worked really hard. Daniel loses 11 pounds and finally gets that big number that he’s been waiting for. He’s seven pounds away from losing 200 pounds. Allan loses nine pounds, so he and Daniel are definitely safe. Danny loses 12 pounds and will also be safe. Rudy loses nine pounds and is also safe another week. But he’s sad that he didn’t lose double digit numbers. Liz and her librarian glasses frown at losing a measly three pounds. She is definitely below the yellow line. Last up is Amanda who loses seven pounds, so that means that Tracey joins Liz below the yellow line.
Amanda’s belly button is a portal that opens up to Hell.
Now they plead to keep their spot there. Liz says it’s hard for her to ask for help, but she wants to stay. Shay questions if Liz really wants to be there because she didn’t really fight for it. Tracey chokes and sobs, saying the experience has been amazing. She begs to stay. Daniel asks if she’s there for health or there for money. Tracey says she’s there for her health. Everyone kind of glares at her. Amanda says her plea was kind of like an apology, but she still screwed everyone over.
They meet Ali at the table for elimination. Amanda votes for Tracey because she betrayed her twice. Shay votes for Liz because she feels that Liz isn’t passionate. Danny votes Tracey because he’s close to Liz. Daniel votes for Tracey for some mumbly reason. Becca votes for Tracey because she’s too unpredictable. So Tracey is eliminated. Ali says her choices came back to haunt her. Tracey says she has regrets but is proud for losing weight.
We see Tracey after the show, and she tells us she’s come really far and is not sad anymore. She goes home to her husband and children by way of helicopter. The last time she was in a helicopter was when she was air lifted for collapsing on the show, so this is a big deal for her. Her kids are very adorable and very excited. Her husband has missed her and is glad he can put his arms around her. Tracey runs the mile in California again and makes it easily. She’s lost 85 pounds and is currently training to run a marathon in December. She actually looks kinda awesome.
So what did you think, Gasmii? Who did you want to be kicked off? I would have been happy with either Tracey OR Liz, honestly. I can’t stand them both!!
See you next week!