Hawaii Five-Blow

By The Qwertz

Well if you watched last week’s episode of Blowout, you knew what would be next. Jonathan only continually browbeating the Baccardi execs and the viewer over his tight schedule since he would have to be in Hawaii, bro, after banging out some rockin’ hair, bro. I’m masc, bro. So this week we saw Blowout: Aloha Edition. Nothing says masc like wearing a lei and giving a public lecture on how to combat the most unholy of terrors since the overthrow of Queen Lili’uokalani: frizzy hair in tropical climates!!!!Well we open in the back of a long, white, tacky limo with Jonathan being overly enthusiastic about being in Hawaii. Look, I know Hawaii is an island (many of them) and its all tropical but it’s a state that is a plane ride away from LA that is of similar duration as flying to New York. Aside from the signs in Japanese, Hawaii is just like Dallas. Or Sacramento. I JUST KEEEDING! Hawaii is awesome, I love me the yearly trip with the fam to the vacation manse, what with the palm trees, moderate humidity, volcanoes, and the most friendly people all treating you with the spirit of Aloha! No, really–it’s the law for Hawaiian citizens to conduct themselves in the spirit of Aloha(!) see!

Anywho, back to idiot Jonathan who is in the back of the cab with his ipod on, and earbuds in–while he yells “ISNT IT GREAT TO BE IN HAWAII, BRO?” Hey, I have any idea: STOP BEING AN IDIOT. Sadly for them, Jonathan was yelling at Rob, his business manager, and Beth Ann/Tina of Jonathan Product. His underlings are just the nicest people ever, and to be stuck with Jonathan, I can only assume they murdered kittens in a previous life.

Jonathan felt it important to bring his team with him, not only to launch the showerhead, but also because he was on a mission. Yes, a “mission of hair.” I’m sure the Hawaiians are sick of missionaries, regardless of purpose–so I’m sure Jonathans mission will win over the hearts of no one.

We arrive at his morning destination, the Channel 2 Morning Show. Of course he is late, which I must say is not really in the spirit of Aloha. We see Jonathan on air, looking super greasy while Tannya Joaquin (Hawaii’s Morning News Anchor) acts like she’s intimidated that someone of his caliber is on the show. Sadly, Jonathan’s hair looked like crap, and Tina/Beth Ann lied when asked by Jonathan. Egg on his face!

Over lunch, Jonathan and the girls go over the schedule and in the seaside lunch setting I really wonder why Jonathan doesn’t take a moment to control Tina/Beth Ann’s hair. I mean we are taking frizz, and fly-away hair central, bro. Where was I? Ah yes, the shed-dule. More proof these women killed kittens in a previous life? Tina only eats the gristle off her bacon. Not the meaty part, I mean how weird is that?

Over at the Ala Moana Shopping Center, Jonathan and the gang tour Sephora to see what the set up is for the following day. After signing a few showerheads (because people will save the box for a showerhead?!?). A few girls show up so Jonathan can find a few hair models at the models for his presentation the next day, and the lineup was totally rigged. He had to choose five, but clearly with Miss Hawaii being there, she was a shoo-in. To make the situation more awkward, Jonathan literally stood there staring at these poor women, giving them the stink eye and feeling up their heads of hair. Eww. Well Jonathan chose his women, including Jennifer Fairbank who was Miss Hawaii 2005 (she took home the interview and swimsuit awards, natch).

Over at the Ko Olina Golf Club, Jonathan and his biz manager Rob play a bit of golf. Sadly for Rob, the “two things [Jonathan] knows how to do is cut hair and play golf.” I feel for Sescie right about now. Over on the 10th fairway, Jonathan is psyched to finish up golfing, do the presentation and head home to see his boy and his girl. He chokes back the tears…CRY! CRY! Close enough.

The next morning, we all head over to the Ala Moana while Jonathan preps for his huge hairshow. Tina/Beth Ann reminds Jonathan he will have two of his stylists from the WeHo salon to assist. Jonathan is chastised by Tina/Beth Ann for going to wrong way to the prep room, but Jonathan, ever defiant, claims he found a secret passage. Never one to miss an opportunity, Tina/Beth Ann claim Jonathan “is the backdoor man.” HAHA, hair stylist sexual preference zing!

Well we see Jonathan dictate to Erica and Olivier (the WeHo stylists) prepping and working quickly through the girls while Jonathan walks around doing nothing very useful, except helping the current Miss Hawaii Radasha Ho’ohuli put her tiara on, which she literally had to rip our of Jonathans velociraptor grip.

For whatever reason, Jonathan is super nervous for the hair show today, the most nervous of all the hairshows he’s done. Now, I consider myself a well-read, well-traveled man, but I have never been to a hairshow–what goes on at these things? Well, we’re about to find out.

Its show time, and out around the center stage of the Ala Moana we see a few hundred people crowded around the stage. Sweaty, prominently mandibled, severly sonial angled Jonathan walks out on stage to a big, beautiful “ALOHA JONATHAN!” I love Hawaii.

I love it even more once Jonathan walks out and just FLAT. OUT. BOMBS. He babbles nervously saying nothing of substance and the editing show many a sidelong glance in the audience. Before you know it though, Jonathan realizes he needs to e ho’a'o no i pau kuhihewa (roughly: just do it) and falls right back into his normal routine and talks of what he knows about: hair, because god knows he doesn’t know jack about socio-normative interaction.

Luckily the presentation isn’t a drawn out event since he just wants to funnel the people into Sephora to buy $95 showerheads! Miss Hawaii even gets snarky when she says Jonathan did well, even though “he was a bit sweaty even though it is a bit hot out there.” Aww, she must have been coached on diplomatic relations.

Over in Sephora, Jonathan critiques many heads of hair, and compliments many others while the cute aunties are all shy and starstruck–to a point, I mean these are intelligent people after all. Not like the idiots at Sundance asking for his autograph (I know, she was only a 10yr old girl, that is no excuse).

Back on the mainland, Jonathan returns to the WeHo salon. In case you forgot how immature Jonathan is, when consulting with his next client, he takes her hair and puts it across his upper lip. Like a moustache, which you know, IS NOT FUNNY. In a word: blargh.

Waiting for his clients hair to be washed, Jonathan plays with his hair, standing it on end causing one stylist to remark it is like Jonathan meets wolverine. Funny, I just thought it was a Gotti boy meets 10 years.

The client with the shocking white veneers is totally psyched for her signature Jonathan Salon long layered cut (ie cocker spaniel ears) and with that, we are driven over to the Beverly Hills Salon. We know Jonathan is about to test SCOTT with his first client since this will be the first cut SCOTT does as a licensed professional.

In the salon, we see SCOTT over in the corner setting up his station. As Jonathan approaches, SCOTT bends over to take Jonathans nonsense. No literally, SCOTT actually bends over, well, I guess figuratively too. Basically SCOTT is a bumbling mess and is dropping and fumbling with everything because he’s “not sure what he’s doing.” Oh this cut will turn out grand!

Jonathan introduces SCOTT to his first client who is like a poormans Alicia Silverstone. Well over in his chair, SCOTT warns this girl that if he doesn’t speak its because he is concentrating. Ironically I think SCOTT met his match because this girl WILL NOT SHUT UP. Seriously, I talk a lot, and this girl even tests my limits.

In the back room we see the peanut gallery enjoying lunch as Kelly (of the implants) talking to Alyn about his latest date which is evidently “better than that loser [he] was dating.” I used to adore Alyn, but he comes off as a jaded snot which was only reaffirmed from this blog post I came across the other day where the blogger expands on a recent fun night at Hamburger Mary’s (personally, I prefer bingo night at Mary’s):

Yesterday as we were drinking our way thru Easter brunch at Hamburger Mary's, we spied Alyn from the most ridiculous show on tv, Blow Out. Megan, being funny and charming as always, jokingly says to him, "So what would you do with my hair?" He goes, "Uuuuuum, you really need to make an appointment for a consultation, okay? That's what I do for work, and right now I'm all about having drinks."

Well, that’s annoying. Kiara, ever the wise one of extensions and relationships notes how amusing how a person you can love, like LOVE LOVE, can turn into such a loser after you break up. She is so the philosophical center of this whole crew.

Out at SCOTT’s station, we see him cutting the same girl who is pelting SCOTT with question after question after question! She’s insane. Well the cut is finished and SCOTT did a very nice job with it and Jonathan walks by to compliment SCOTT telling him its obvious SCOTT is “on top of it” though I’m fairly certain SCOTT isn’t on top of anything. Regardless, SCOTT had every right to be proud of that cut.

After SCOTT we see Jonathan do a cut, thankfully the production is cut short as Jonathan then heads back to the WeHo salon to monitor Clarissa and her first cut. Clarissa is excited, yet nervous at the same time. I think. I don’t know, her forehead doesn’t register emotion. Luckily, for the client, all the other WeHo stylists stop by to congratulate Clarissa on her first day on the floor and how great it is she is finally able to cut hair. You can see the client slowly start to shat herself as the confidence in Clarissa quickly wanes as more stylists come over to congratulate Clarissa. Hey stylists, learn a thing or two about tact and client confidence!

Up in the office, Jonathan is checking his myspace account, and I think he has like 8 friends, which is really 7 since Tom is friends with everyone. Back over in the Beverly salon, in walks Jonathan’s next client who is Jane Lynch meets Scarlett Johansson. This woman though is some owner of a fitness center or something–so you get the idea. She has a formal event later that evening so needs her hair rocked out.

What’s so odd about this whole client interaction is she talks so freely with Jonathan, trading barbs and jokes with Jonathan like old chums. Next she asks the golden question which is about Jonathan’s new son. Jonathan blabs how he is the “greatest thing since milk” which is amusing because I always thought sliced bread was the greatest thing after, you know, the wheel, or visa. Well the client expands on how she is approaching that certain age where she would love to have her own child and so is in the process of freezing her eggs. Wow, this is all so personal, let alone for national television.

Well, the cut ends and the client gets up and is like “well it was great to meet you Jonathan, thanks for fitting me in.” WHAT THE FU*K?!?! They just met and are already talking about this stuff? I mean its LA, sure, but still, this was just weird, I mean especially in the absence of alcohol. The client looks adorable with her boyish blonde ‘do and bolts outta there.

Since this is the penultimate episode, we are clearly trying to fit in all the stylists that have to this point received no screen time. What else could explain the next scene with Kelly (of the implants) greeting a client to cut her hair? Well I guess we see a consult with the client and we are on to the next person. Alyn, he of the bitchy Hamburger Mary’s fame. His client is going to bash Global Green. Or a Global Green bash. When asked what her dress looks like, she explains she’ll be wearing a tuxedo–you can see the judgement register on Alyn’s face like “you’re wearing a damn tuxedo, and you want me to style your long hair for a TUXEDO?!” Kelly, Alyn, Kelly, Alyn, Kelly’s boobs, Alyn, Kelly. Ok, now they have had plenty of screen time and we can be done with them.

Whats more interesting that his stylists? Well Jonathan wandering around his shops checking out lightbulbs and a/c ducts. Yes, rather than devote any further time to the boring Kelly/Alyn, we see Jonathan testing the front doors.

As for the doors, my father pointed out how Jonathan must be a midget (which makes me fearful as to how short SCOTT is by comparison) because the handles on the front doors come nearly up to Jonathan’s shoulder. Weird, I knew I forced daddy to watch this show with me for a reason!

After the commercial break announcing there is only one more episode of Blowout remaining (wtf, who has a six episode season?) we are back at the offices of Doric George M.A., M.F.T. Jonathan has come into this new thing where he is no longer trying to become a great father and instead just “being.” He never really felt like he was his sons father, which I have to say if you saw the size of his son’s forehead, there is no question. The tears burst forth as Jonathan realizes he is starting to feel capable–especially since he was able to shepard two assistants into full-fledged stylists. The idea that anyone would want to work with him or for him blows him away. Granted all of these self-realizations are accompanied by tears (as expected) and a wide array of guttural sounds, like Jonathan speaks in the language of cartoons or something. Well I guess that would explain his association with SCOTT.

And with that we are shown upcoming scenes form the last episode where Jonathan returns to his old beauty school to be ever so boastful which is to be outmatched by Jonathan shooting his own commercial! With that my friends, Aloha ‘Oe.