New York, Old Ego

By The Qwertz

Well its that time again for Jonathan to hit New York, climb up the Empire State Building with a woman in his grip and not come down until Jonathan Product canvasses the country from coast to coast. Yes, it is the Olympus Fashion Week episode where Jonathan promises to be more self-important and more a prima-donna than ever before! Will he get all those models prepped? Will he have aerosol in time? Will he have to use actual dirt when he runs out of Dirt? Most importantly, will we see Jason???Heading out of his condo, Jonathan says bye to “Honey and Ash” which really makes me wonder if he never says his concubine’s name simply because he doesn’t know how to properly say “Sescie.” But really, can you blame him? En route to the office, he’s so excited to finally be cutting some hair…BUT FIRST, he must expand more on the baby that is “a champion, you know, he just sleeps.” Yeah, that’s what babies do. But Jonathan’s long days are worth it, but you know “its not about me” HAHA, worst liar EVER.

Over at the Beverly Hills Salon, Jonathan gets pictures of all the models he’ll need to rock out for fashion week, pulling a very Janice Dickensian method of judging “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whoa, make it work, yeah…haha.” Anyone else notice he laughs like that snot nose punk you went to school with in 7th grade but didn’t punch because you believed in the theory of nonviolent protest, but secretly you just wanted to cut him? Yeah, he laughs like that. ANYWHO, walking from the desk to his office, he kisses some women, and sneaks up behind stylist Kevin, and coming from behind with the reach-around kiss, Kevin turns his shoulder into Jonathan making for a v v awkward encounter of kiss turned hug. Haha Awesome. Luckily for us, Jonathan gives SCOTT a slap on the ass (how hetero) which doesn’t allow SCOTT a chance for dialogue. Darn.

Up at the front desk, we are treated to a very poor shot of the two receptionists madly flipping through the appointment book marked with lots of pencil and highlighter. You know, like my capitalization tables look after I hand them to a five year old. Oh and in case you were wondering, one woman answers the phone “Jonathan is booked four months in advance, and his cuts range from $500 to $700″ haha. Sorry, I just think it is very very amusing for a reasonable person to pay $700 for a haircut. Don’t get me wrong, I regularly paid $110 for a guys cut at the Arrojo Studio in NYC, but mostly it was because my stylist also was Janice Dickinson’s personal stylist and would treat me to some HILARIOUS stories. That alone was worth the $110. But c’mon, $700? That’s some crazy martini money being thrown away there. Oh, and if you didn’t get the point of this whole montage, it means Jonathan is VERY important. You know, if you couldn’t figure it out by Bravo producing a TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT HIM.

Finally disrobing and handing off his jacket to his assistant, Clarissa, Jonathan shoots the shiz with Kevin. Sadly, we are treated to a montage of last weeks disastrous (for all humanity) auditions of the Pussycat Dolls, and another sampling of the most AWESOME SONG EVER “Don’t cha.” You know what would be premium is if the stylists went to a karaoke joint and had SCOTT sing “Don’t cha.”

Just when I think Jonathan is going up to get two women to finally cut some hair, he pulls the FAKE OUT and passes one off to Kevin. Sucka. Jonathan does settle on some blonde who has a Blaire Warner style. Just when we think we are going to see the master in action we cut away to SCOTT. After some thought, I think I’ve come to the conclusion I’d rather endure weekly colonoscopy preparation than hear his voice. SCOTT says “something blah blah, Jonathan’s assistant, blah, learning, stylist blah something.” Trying to butch SCOTT up, Jonathan tells SCOTT’s client “bet you didn’t know we had military guys in the salon doing hair did you?” HA. Okay, SCOTT as the gay straight acting archetype. Think about it.

Done laughing?

How bout now?

Ok, collect yourselves it wasn’t that funny.

Jonathan is trying to explain why he’s ditching some stylists and leaving them behind like a bunch of losers while Jonathan takes his pet stylists with him to fashion week. Then inexplicably we move on to Kiara who is doing extensions…which when I see them being “installed” I always get kind of freaked out. Anyhow, we’re treated to another after photo of Jonathan’s client who has a WHOLE LOTTA HAIR. Next is Kiara’s client who had the extensions installed and that settles it. When I start losing my hair, I’m so headed to this salon to multiply by a factor of eight the amount of hair I have!

Out in the alley Jonathan is looking for some service. Cell phone service that is. On the other end is designer Charles Nolan for whom Jonathan will be doing hair at Olympus Fashion Week. Luckily Charles is looking for the “glamorous bed head thing” which is all Jonathan is about…rubbing Dirt in the hair of woman all across the continent. Jonathan is psyched and proclaims himself to be the “new sheriff in town of the world of hair.” HAHAHA, idiot.

After our first WELL DESERVED break, we see the first signs of self-doubt as Jonathan discusses with his receptionists what he has ahead for Olympus Fashion Week. Once in his office, he makes his first call to…OMGOMGOMOGOMGOMGOMG its Jason. Jonathan is making the rounds with all his stylists that he needs for Olympus Fashion Week. After calling each stylist we are treated to each stylist giving his or her two cents as to how life altering DOING HAIR at fashion week is. Everyone is overly giddy, except for Ericka “even though I’m a senior stylist its still exciting to go to fashion week.” Well if that’s not gratitude, I don’t know what is.

I will admit that one of the cool perks of owning your own salon is forcing your employees to be your test heads for new styles. Jonathan calls up his receptionist and tells her to sit in the chair and he’s going to try all sorts of crazy on her hair. This type of behavior in the legal world is called you know, harassment, but in salon-land I suppose it is de rigueur. It’s okay, I figure Jonathan will probably dock her next check for $500 for the cut and style.

Charles Nolan mentioned the hair would be done with scarves and ever the self-sacrificing man, Jonathan fashions a scarf from the sleeve of his shirt. Momentarily excited I’m watching Project Runway I quickly discover disappointment when it is evident Andrae is nowhere to be found. Luckily for Rosie, his test case, she feels she has a lot of hair. I’m sensing a theme for his salons, shoots, and shows. HAIR FOR EVERYONE. Seriously, when did big hair come back? I’m worried I’m going to start seeing women all over with the Working Girl hair. And I don’t care what Catherine Parker says, the Trask Industries acquisition was SO Tess’ idea!

OOH, and now it’s play time for Jonathan. Yes, it’s time for Jonathan to visit his confidant and therapist Doric George M.A., M.F.T. or as I like to think of him: Will ForteSeth Meyers. We know this will be a good one when Doric asks Jonathan to take off his sunglasses. Predictably we knew Jonathan would discuss HOW BUSY he is with his salons, product line, SEPHORA, and something else….his family? Nooo, not that…what was it…AH YES, QVC. Jonathan feels he’s turning into that cliché and he needs to “stop and smell the flowers” which he confirmed is almost the proper cliché (roses/flowers, close enough for me here). He does take the time to smell hair product, his little boys head “which smells like, you know, BABY” and here they are: waterworks. HAHA, awesome. When Jonathan smells Asher’s GIGANTIC forehead, it makes all his worries disappear. Doric confirms what I have always suspected that Asher is a miracle for Jonathan. Yes, a miracle than any woman would agree to carry his child let alone give birth to it.

Through constant blubbering, Jonathan proclaims he is over himself. Okay, then turn the cameras off in your THERAPY SESSIONS. But the man loves hair, and what hair does for people. Personally I don’t see much good about hair. Think about it: you don’t really concern yourself with it if its on your head, you don’t give much thought to hair of other people so long as its on his/her head but god forbid one single hair detaches from another persons head and ends up on or near your food, where it becomes the most VILE thing man has seen. But hey, we all have our own crosses to bear. Or crucifixes. I don’t know religion.

So back in the car, Judas (the bad one, not the good one) talks about how his therapy sessions are like a good spa. Funny, I appreciate Bliss for its triple-oxygenating facials and keeping my skin clear but it doesn’t do jack for my mind.

Well as promised, we finally make it to New York as Jonathan preps for the Charles Nolan show. He meets his whole team at the Dream Hotel (NOT recommended) and OMGOMG I just saw Jason. I love him you know. Up in his room, Jonathan is prepping and primping and keeping his fingers crossed that Tina and Beth Ann (the Jonathan Product Execs) will show up with his Jonathan Aerosol-you remember, the same aerosol he had a shit fit about only a few weeks ago. Ahhh, memories.

Lucky for us, Jonathan shares a little ritual he has where he goes out on the balcony of whatever hotel he is staying, he throws some Dirt in his hair and a little over to nail some poor pedestrian on the sidewalk down below. Yeah, I have that same ritual EVERY DAY whereby I find myself in the bathroom applying some Aveda ControlPaste and I don’t see no supermodels strutting up and down the hallways of my office.

Down in the hotel restaurant Jonathan says something but the important thing is to listen to Jason. Poor guy took the LAX-JFK redeye, landing at 630am that morning, and has to leave the next morning at 630am. Such is the life of a bicoastal golden boy.

Back to business though, Jonathan explains the look of the hair for the show as Julie Christie in the movie Darling (1965). Stylists ask a few questions, and this is what I find hilarious. Just to parallel their situation to my own: the stylists ask a few questions concerning their work product like “how many changes will there be? Does the hair change? No? Well are there turtlenecks involved?” My days I find myself asking eerily similar questions such: “is this a 506 offering or a 701? Are all investors accredited? Have the stockholders executed their lockup agreements?” See, SO SIMILAR, I could cut hair!

Well breakfast is over and Jonathan is eager to go as he seems to have “ants in the pants” which I must say is the WORST birthday gift you could ever get. If you don’t believe me, ask Eric Cartman. ANTS IN THE PANTS? WHO GAVE ME ANTS IN THE PANTS? THAT’S IT, PARTY OFF!

Over in the Olympus Fashion Week Olympus Fashion Tents, Jonathan begins unpacking and dressing his stylists in t-shirts. Jonathan insists on the guys needing a XL, but Jason is good with a small. BELIEVE ME when I say he’s good with the small. Anywho, Jonathan is insitent Jason wears something bigger, thinking the small doesn’t fit. This is what confuses me. Jonthan owns two salons and employs a gaggle of gay menz, doesn’t he know the importance of a tight t-shirt to the gaydrobe? Pshaw. Gauntlets are thrown and Jason sticks with the small, he knows we wanted him in that shirt.

Back at the Beverly salon, we see Kiara weaving some bright blue extensions into this Asian girl’s hair. The client, predictably good at maths, quickly deduces that those three extensions = hot hair. Just when I was confused why this scene was cut in, we see its so the stylists left behind can dish and stew over the fact that they were in fact NON-INVITADO.

Soooo, back at the tent, Jonathan and team are starting on the hair. Charles Nolan swings by, an affable older gentleman, he drops a few words to guide the theme and over on the other side of the tent is Bobbi Brown doing make-up. Jonathan, ever the whore, asks Bobbi to let him do her hair in front of the cameras. Bobbi, being a smart woman, declines. In between heads, Jonathan is giving interviews and demonstrations for the camera crews and devoting most of his talking to a reporter with what appears to be Kreblakistan Nightly News??

FINALLY, Jonathan has explained his aesthete. His look is the day after, not the day of, which everyone else is doing. I could expand on the intellectualism inherent here, but I suspect he never gave it such thought.

Crisis rears its head-hey they are in New York, you know the hair terrorists would return. This time, it is the absence of aerosol that is Jonathan’s kryptonite. The next few moments we see a break down by Jonathan, and ever increasing levels of stress. Its kinda amusing in a very schadenfreude way.

Well as you could have guessed, the aerosol DID arrive, and he was able to finish the hair. Of course, not before he acted like an idiot spraying half a can in no particular direction and even on the camera of some Frenchman — though the Frenchman probably did smell, so that’s understandable, but what isn’t is Jonathans snippy snappy attitude towards all the other photogs, yelling at them to get outta his way, yo. Hey, you’re the one whoring for the cameras like Anne Boleyn for Henry VIII. DEAL WITH IT.

Though, now that I think of it–who wouldn’t want to see Jonathan locked up in the stocks for a few hours?

Back in 2006, Jonathan is complaining about the event producer giving time warnings. And if there is nothing Jonathan hates is being restricted by time! You know, its not HIS fashion show, so he figures he has all the time in the world. Watching this, if Jonathan spent less time bitching about EVERYTHING he’d probably be able to finish a few more heads on times. Even I’m starting to become aggravated watching Jonathan bitch and moan about it all. Ugh. I need to go to my quiet place.

Evidently Jonathan did to as he up and walks out of the tent. He ditches his entire team and takes a short walk around the block to kiss a few women, hug some babies and listen to a homeless dude tell a few jokes: hey, what did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? “Get out of my sun.” HA!

Back inside the confines of the Olympus Fashion Tent, we see the finishing touches amid all the chaos. Not much to say here but if you watched Project Runway, you know how hectic it can be and how many blurred lady parts are being shown.

The show begins, and it is chaos. The models do their thang and run backstage to change again and again and again, while Jonathan and team do touch-ups all very hurriedly I try to find my calm place once more. Granted the clothes are very Anne Kleinish, and the hair does look fairly decent, if messy by the end. Finally the show ends, and Charles takes his bow. Aww, he made it work.

Later that evening we see Jonathan in his hotel trying to decompress. In giving the rundown of his day, he talks about how CRAZY it all was-umm, he has done fashion week before, why is this a surprise? A short time later, a towel-clad Jonathan (shiver) goes out on the balcony to call Sescie and discuss the events of the day and give a kiss-kiss goodnight.

A quiet ending to a wild, but somewhat tame episode. Next week brings the return of Jonathans ARCH NEMESIS. You know that’ll be good.