When Life Gives You Limóns…

By The Qwertz

Hello, my dear readers. First, I must apologize for having missed the recap of last week’s episode. The world of corporate law has wrought pain on my ass, and combined with traveling coast to coast (like our goldenboy Jason), it has left me unable to even WATCH television, let alone recap. In my hotel I saw three minutes of last week’s episode where Jonathan lost it with the product packaging design guy, and try as I may, I still haven’t had time to watch that spectacular blowup. Alas…back on solid ground this week I found myself confronted with one of the few episodes I actually liked. Yay! Will this signal a return of Blowout to its former glory? Only weeks will tell.We open to some highlights from last episode where Jonathan evidently was stressing people out at QVC, and his appearance on air actually drove down sales of product at one point. Booo, I always miss the good stuff! Anywho, we are back in LA. AHHHH! This show turned into a horror movie as we see a partially dressed, bare-chested Cro-Magnon man, Jonathan, rushing to be dressed and be gone. Oh, but he lets us in on a secret he carries around in his pocket. Yes, a small penis as we suspected. I JUS KEEEDING! It’s really a small tube of his next latest and greatest product in development: Jonathan Silky Dirt. Yeah, I’m just as excited as you.

He applies it, checks himself out and exclaims “BANG-ladesh, how u doin, CHUNK, FUNK.” Poor Asher is going to have such a bizarre vocabulary when he finally does start speaking. Well, this rush is all because Jonathan is running late for his first client, but that’s ok, he doesn’t like cutting hair when he’s unhurried. On his way out he reminds us “you always want to carry silky dirt with you” which sounds oddly gross. Like I keep thinking he’s saying you always want to carry lube around with you because as he says “you either want to be dirty or you want to be silky or you want to be silk and dirty at the same time.” Eww, he had to have sex with a woman to have that child.

Finally he’s in his $130k car and is expanding on how he’s excited to get into the studio, and FINALLY he mentions he’s curious if anyone in his salon watched him on QVC. Ok, he’s already been on Good Morning America and he didn’t care if people watched, but QVC? Oh puh-lease. I think the last time I watched QVC was a year ago for three minutes when I was with my grandmother and I had to fight her for the remote to keep her from buying more of the Joan Rivers Jewelry Collection — or is it the Jewry Collection? I don’t know French. Walking in the Beverly Hills Salon saying wassup to his people, some sucking up occurs “we missed you boss” and Jonathan lays it out: So Kiara, did you watch QVC? HA, so busted. Drop those extensions girl because you ’bout to be bitched at.

Before Kiara can be annoyed any further, Jonathan is distracted by a shiny object moving in the corner. Yes, it is SCOTT. SCOTT is inexplicably standing in the corner by the sinks, like just standing there. I feel like he’s terrified of Jonathan. Also, I am sorry to disappoint you readers, but SCOTT has oddly warmed to me. Call me crazy, but he is kinda cute in the pocket-gay sort of way, and he seems nicer than a generic Banana Republic denim way. So as long as I can read his subtitles, I think we’ll be aces.

Jonathan says he wants to take SCOTT into the backroom. SCOTT is like “in the backroom??” Oh please, like SCOTT doesn’t love a dark backroom. SCOTT is complimented on his glasses by Jonathan who tells SCOTT he looks “professional” which is code for “not as stupid as before.” I know from experience…sigh. Anyhow, Jonathan explains Clarissa will be indisposed, and so SCOTT will need to step in for a day. SCOTT says he’s excited because he and Jonathan had fun last time “don’t you remember?” Jonathan, ever so wise shakes his head in disbelief “I don’t remember having fun.” OOH, here I thought SCOTT would win in a bitch-off for, you know, obvious reasons.

A new client arrives for Jonathan, and she wants a trim but NOT SHORT. So Jonathan keeps making lame jokes with SCOTT as his sidekick. Very weird and NOT FUNNY. Whilst SCOTT washes the client’s hair, we hear a scary voiceover of SCOTT explaining how he’s excited to showcase his skillz to the boss. Well, so long as he doesn’t talk, he should be set.

Now is it me or do some of these women after the cuts have all this hair forward of their shoulders? It oddly reminds me of my old cocker spaniel. Maybe it’s just me.

Up in the office, Jonathan gets a call from a corporate type who wants to hire him to do the hair for the Bacardi Limón shoot which will feature the same girl with three vastly different hair styles representing Miami, New York and Los Angeles. Sounds interesting, but I’m sure Jonathan will find some way to fray relations with the spirit maker. Good thing he held on to his friend the fresh maker. Because you know Mentos are fresh and full of life!

Oh good lord, Jonathan tells us when he hears of a great hair opportunity, its like the Bat Signal but only the Hair Signal! Please, what does he think when he find a hair in his food? MUST STYLE WAITRESS….MUST BLOW OUT DISH WASHER…

Rob, Jonathan’s biz manager is trying to arrange another calamitous meeting with Scott from Zorbit who is responsible for packaging the next Jonathan Product. Now, if you watched last season, you know there was no hot water and Jonathan took a shower with bottled water (I know, because it is so much warmer than normal cold water). Afterwards Jonathan couldn’t believe how great his hair felt, so he had his product whores Beth Ann and Tina create a showerhead that would filter out minerals and impurities as though you were showering in bottled water. And now that’s the packaging they are trying to create here.

Scott and Jonathan have a long history of fighting, and Jonathan sits down and assures Rob that he wont talk and he is reminded to remain open minded. As if on cue, Scott enters in carrying an old shoebox. You can see Jonathan is not happy…oh but I am! Before Scott can even explain, Jonathan is up out of his chair and its too funny not to reproduce verbatim:

“It’s a fu*king shoebox…what are you? Jerking me off? I’m done.”

“It’s a concept and now you’re not even letting me explain.”

“Open the box and show him there is something inside.”

Jonathan sees that as if it has never been done before-Scott was simply using the shoebox to carry the prototype inside! Ahhhh! WHAT AN IDIOT. Can you imagine when Asher has to make an igloo diorama when he’s in 1st grade? “Sorry son, we don’t have any perfectly sized rectangular boxes for your use…all we have are shoeboxes.”

The packaging is well-executed and done so well that Jonathan starts crying. To make amends, he hugs Scott who offers to let Jonathan carry out the prototype in the shoebox even! Aww, innovative packaging AND a damn good prototype, it’s a Festivus Miracle!

Back at le salon, Jonathan has Rosie change up the class schedule. Every once in a while, the salon has a styling class after hours. Tonight, Jonathan plans on teaching the class and administering the final exam for SCOTT and Clarissa, but they don’t know it, you know, even after a year and a half of being an assistant. OOOOH, devious. Clarissa is automatically nervous-and she rarely shows any semblance of discomfort, so you know SCOTT is going to be in a tizzy. Over at the other salon, SCOTT is informed of the most dire of circumstances that have befallen him that evening-Jonathan teaching! As expected, SCOTT is insta-stressed, and you can see the nerves building.

Back downstairs in WeHo, Jonathan cuts some girl’s hair and she finishes with the cocker-spaniel ears. She may even be the same girl from earlier. Who cares. Up in the office Jonathan is fumbling with his mobile and asks Rosie how to get golf scores on his phone…because remember two weeks ago we learned you could get Pussycat Dolls ring tones…and because this is all about product placement. After that charming placement, Jonathan makes his exit and harasses Rosie, spraying her with excessive amounts of hairspray and going all Edward Scissorhands on her. DIE.

Later that evening, Jonathan arrives to start teaching that evening’s cutting class. He explains the whole cocker-spaniel thing as the Jonathan Salon Signature Long Layered Cut. Ahh, that explains a lot. Next he drops the big bombshell that SCOTT and Clarissa will have to do the cuts this evening on the models because it is their final exam. Duh DUH DUHHH. SCOTT looks horrified and Clarissa says she is, but I cannot tell because even though she is a cute adorable girl, she seems botoxed and has very few facial expressions.

Clarissa and SCOTT are given their moment to prove they know how to cut but they nerves are on edge with Jonathan hovering over each cut. Part way through Jonathan has all the stylists surround them, you know, like in fight club. Next he has them switch scissors saying its like playing in the US Open with someone else’s equipment. I could insert the obvious I’d like to play with Andy Roddick’s equipment here but…oh wait. Anyhow, the analogy surprisingly makes sense. Added to the pressure cooker is a time limit and I think SCOTT is uncomfortable because he keeps appearing on screen, but with my Bose Noise Cancelling Headsets on, his voice is inexplicably blocked out.

Closely examining the cuts, Jonathan critiques each of them and has them finish up/blow out the models. The class is over and Jonathan pulls the old fake out with SCOTT saying he has to talk to him all serioso. Then Jonathan is all I JUS KEEEDING and provides SCOTT and Clarissa with their own legit business cards as hair stylists. AWWW, this is very cute and even I can partially be content and happy with the success these two had, especially when having had to endure under a Stalinist hair regime under Jonathan.

The next day, or week, who the hell knows…Jonathan is on his way to the “Bacardi Lyman” shoot. HA, I don’t see his lack of product knowledge being an issue, do you? Well, on set, Jonathan is introduced to the Bacardi execs who are all dressed in white white white suits. Like all of them-its almost as thou Celio, Claudia y Maria are fresh from the Panama Jack sample sale. What no yellow to promote the Bacardi Lyman brand?

Well there is some small talk bantering going on, the execs are excited, Jonathan is read to rock the hair. It has been settled as Claudia is all about the Miami style, the hair has to be like the chica is hanging by the pool at the Raleigh. In New York City its all about sophistication and glamour, and in LA its about what? Homeless actresses? Oh, about fun, glam 40′s babe hair. Why is it that in this show or Project Runway when designers are given liberty to select their own style everyone goes back to the 1940s glam period? Well except for Kara Janx who opted for the 20′s and “all that jazz.”

Anyhow, in this initial meeting Jonathan the tard cannot say limón, but keeps saying “lyman.” Jonathan gets all RUDEy Huxtable on the execs and asks if he rock out the hair, can he say Lyman? Surprisingly the execs are good-natured and are excited about what Jonathan can provide in such a time crunch. Up in wardrobe, we meet some stylist famoso named Charlie Altuna (no doubt from Schenectady) that Jonathan has been working with for decades. Its boring as they sit there and rehash old times. I tune out…where’s SCOTT?

Finally Jonathan sees the clothes and is discussing how Bacardi Lyman is best served. Well the brand rep standing to the side simply wont have it. Granted she’s a bit too fu*king uptight and leans in with an unwarranted air of superiority in saying “Limón, Limón.” I miss Gordon Ramsay who would be all “SHUT IT DOWN.”

Out on set the photog is yelling at the model “get that drink in there bitch” haha, as the more important female model is doing her thing by the pool. The hair for this “Miami” shoot looks a bit messy, but the model is hot so who cares. Back up in staging, with such short timing, Jonathan is stressing about the New York look. Getting into a debate with yet another brand rep, they argue about what defines New York. Well hey from my experience in the city last week, have a few glasses of champagne and it all looks good. I lead by example: I told you all how my past stylist at Arrojo Studio was the best, but she moved home to Ohio and I took a chance moving over to the Robert Kree Salon which was a blast (really just because that’s where Julianne Moore evidently goes, and I was hoping to you know, accidentally stalk her), and I was pretty blasted from the free wine they kept providing before and during my cut so by the time I was done I could have been bald and totally loving the new cut. Luckily in the light of day I was complimented at the TVGasm meetings of how hot my new textured cut was.

Where was I? Ah yes, self-promotion. So Jonathan is all “I don’t think so, fine if you want it that way, here’s the [hair] iron, do it yourself.” Granted the editing was total crap here because it was never an acrimonious situation and Jonathan was mocking the woman but was left to his own devices and under the crunch of time came up with a pretty impressive evening at the hot bar ‘do for the model that I couldn’t really describe but she had these wide ribbons of hair coming down the middle down the back. Very odd, but very hot. It was “BANG la DESH bro.”

Finally for the third look it was the 40s Hollywood babe cut. Lots of curls, Jonathan does a finger curl ‘do in about 15 minutes which is evidently a challenge. It looked great and Jonathan didn’t even stick around for the end results since he had to run to the airport to catch his flight to Hawaii that no one would shut up about for the entire episode. I don’t get it since a quick look at the OAG Flight Guide shows the last flights departing at around 8pm. Change your flight or shut up about being rushed! Admittedly though the three different styles did really make the model look drastically different in each photo, and his work is quite impressive-when asked to expand beyond the typical cocker spaniel thing.

Well in the car, Jonathan decompresses about the crazy day, how thankful he is for the job with Bacardi Lyman and how its on to Hawaii. Oh joy, Jonathan forced to embrace the Spirit of Aloha!

So who will he offend in the Isles of Aloha? What did you think of his efforts in the shoot, impressive no?