Body of Proof: A Double Murder Calls for Pearls

BOP 2: A Double Murder Calls for Pearls.
Lots of pearls, apparently, and a tight plunging sweater.

Little Known Fact: Blood washes right out of expensive fabrics. That’s why ER scrubs are made of cashmere.

Philadelphia medical examiner Dr. Megan Hunt, your personal hero and mine, arrives at the crime scene in her best ‘sexy teacher’ outfit. She’s come right from the lab, and I’m guessing it’s early in the morning, because sidekick Peter Dunlop immediately gives Megan his best “get a life” shtick. To be exact he says, “Get a life.”

I’m still not sure what exactly Peter does. He’s there because they need a dumber character to ask about what the complicated medical terminology means, that way Megan can say smart things and us mere mortals don’t have to feel stupid.  But, unlike so many science vocabulary words, Peter’s character has not been explained to us, he’s not a police office, he’s not a doctor, he’s just there, with Megan, all the time, not wearing a tie and being blonde.

To be fair, he really knows how to not-wear a tie.

(Not true. Dudes, please stop waxing your chests. Gross.)

As Garfield and Odie approach the crime scene -a car parked on a riverbank- they marvel that they’ve been assigned to work with Detective Bud Morris and his token minority partner Detective Samantha Baker, AGAIN. Two cases in a row! This is BOP calling itself out, because in a big city like Philadelphia, with at least a million detectives and medical examiners (2 for every underage prostitute, per capita) this would probably be a rare thing. Let’s talk about Philadelphia for a second.

I would like to applaud the incredible restraint of the writers in not having a “city of brotherly love” quip in the first two episodes, but, let’s be honest, it is only a matter of time. That one will come outta the pocket in an episode in which two brothers either murder each other, OR in which each brother lies, confessing to a murder they think the other committed (both are innocent!). I can just see the sweat running down the writers’ fingers, shorting out their keyboards, as they held back from blowing that wad by episode two. Good job guys, your trophy is in the mail (it is not in the mail)

What wad do they decide to blow instead? OMG YOU GUYS DOUBLE MURDER! I hope this means we get double the sass from Megan! A double murder is a lot like a double rainbow, they leave stoned Samoans and stony medical examiners asking, “What does this mean?”

“Full on, all the way across the sky! (orgasm noises)”

Detective Bud Morris already knows what it means, telling Megan she shouldn’t even have bothered coming down to the crime scene, it’s an open’n’shut case o’murder suicide. Of course as soon as he says this EVERYONE, probably even the babies watching, knows that he is super double murder WRONG. We really don’t even need Megan to glance casually at the bodies and refute him, but she does and soundly.

This is not the face of someone who is ever right.

Both victims have been shot in the head, they are (WERE) a young couple, there’s an empty ring box in the girl’s hand, tsk tsk tsk, so sad, etc. The young man, David, has the gun in his right hand and a gunshot wound to the right temple (he is Detective Bud’s supposed murderer suicider) but Megan points out calluses on his hands that indicate he was probably left-handed. The calluses don’t sway Bud, but the fact that David kept his wallet in his back left pocket does, which must be a boy thing about wallets? Cause I’m right handed and keep my phone in different pockets all the time…? Oh boys and their insane ironclad rules about wallets and pockets. It is so much easier to be a woman!

There’s something in my eye, but I can still see the TRUTH!

“Autopsy’s in two hours!” I think this is supposed to be Megan’s catch phrase? She’s said it twice now, and I’m kind of surprised they aren’t using it to cut to the opening credits… maybe soon they will do that? If she added some sunglasses to the mix it could be a real Horatio Caine recurring moment for her.

The two hours until the autopsy give us just enough time to check in on Megan’s precarious family life, details awkwardly given bullet point style to help the viewers who missed episode one get up to speed. Megan drops her cellphone (because her hands go numb because of a car accident, it ended her career as a big time brain surgeon). She calls her daughter, Lacey, who is trying to get out of the house and get to school. BEST TIME TO HAVE A CHAT. Seriously, it is impossible not to hate the person who is attempting to talk to you when you need to leave the house. The next time you are rushing to leave and someone strikes up a convo (kidzthesedayz), try to not hate them, you can’t not HATE them.

What is the opposite of the classic definition of a “bastard”? Because that is what Lacey is, she basically doesn’t have a mother, she has a medical examiner who likes to float in and out of her life when it is most convenient for said medical examiner. We all know Lacey is only in this series to give Megan a motivation beyond her imploded neurological career (also to be kidnapped in the season 1 finale… fingers crossed!)

Peter is going to carry her out of a mine shaft.

Anyway, Megan pressures Lacey into making plans, she’s got horseback riding tonight (first world problems y’all) but tomorrow they can meet for lunch at “Twist”, a totally real restaurant right by Lacey’s school, right. After she hangs up, there’s some more benefit-of-the-audience detail catch up about how Megan took Peter’s advice and got Lacey a gift from the heart for her birthday… blah blah blah, read the other recap. Peter warns Megan against pushing Lacey and “moving too fast” and then calls out that it sounds like they are talking about a romantic relationship, especially in the context of apartment-key-giving. You know what? IT DOES. And it’s fucking creepy. I don’t need you to call it out Petey, I need you to NOT do it at all. Also, mad props for totally contradicting yourself; doling out the advice and then criticizing the way it’s followed, just like dad used to do it… still does it.

Back at the most well-lit morgue EVER, Megan and Peter immediately bump into the Chief. YOU GUYS, I cannot believe it took me this long to talk about how the actress who plays the Chief also played Seven of Nine in one of the Star Trek tv series (Which one? I love them, but they all blend together, maybe it was The Next Deep Voyager… they all sound vaguely porny).

Holy Balls. It is exciting to see her in a role where she is allowed to emote. Except, she isn’t really allowed to emote, she’s got to be the tough-as-concrete toe-the-line boss who stands up to Megan but is actually on her side. I’m looking forward to them becoming sort of friends, and then to the office-politics misunderstanding that will sully their friendship, and then their eventual reconciliation while working on a case involving dead twin sisters.

Do not abandon the procedure. Resistance is antibiotic.

The Chief makes Megan and Peter team up with Ethan and Curtis (white nerd comic relief and black curmudgeon comic relief, respectively) because she arbitrarily wants “this case wrapped up quickly”, maybe something because of news coverage? We never see “the news” though. It doesn’t matter because Megan Hunt is always the most efficient at crime solving, even if that is not her job to be efficient at.

Peter sticks around to confirm that it’s no accident that he and Megan are paired with Bud and The Wire again, it’s not. The Chief is trying to “contain” Megan; better to let her piss off two detectives (ie: do all their work for them) than piss off the entire police force (and have a murder-free city) Shrug.

Before meeting up with Megan, Ethan fixes himself some tea, as Curtis makes himself coffee. Did anyone else notice how Curtis made his coffee? Ethan helpfully points out that he is putting in a lot of sugar. Yes, yes he is. An absurd, overbearingly unfunny amount of sugar, I’m talking an Andy Kaufman performance-art level of sugar, because “he likes it sweet”

This is one frame of the scene, the level of sugar pouring in this ONE frame, was dumping into that coffee cup for the entire SCENE.

Are we not supposed to find that insanely distracting? If you prick us do we not bleed?! What kind of mess is this?! That amount of sugar in a cup of coffee would make even the most type 2 diabetic of fat people VOMIT for HOURS. What the FUCK Body of Proof? I mean, I bet that joke had the crew on the set in fucking stitches “No, more! HAHAHA! NO, MORE! LOLOLOLOLOL! JUST KEEP POURING! THIS IS GOLD!” Bitch puhleaze, there is a murdered interracial couple to deal with!

So, about those two crazy murdered kids. White guy, David, black girl, Linda, both in their early twenties. They used to date in high school, in fact “Valley Green” -the riverbank where they were found shot to death- is where they met. AWWWWWW.

David’s from the wrong side of the tracks, first generation born in America son of immigrants thing, didn’t go to college, served in the Navy, worked minimum wage construction jobs. David doesn’t have any family, it is HIS LANDLORD who confirms that he is left handed.

What an suspiciously observant landlord! But he is not at all a suspect? I think he would make a very good suspect! My landlord couldn’t pick me out of a line up if I was raising my hand, but David’s KNOWSFERSURE that he’s a southpaw. But this is the last we hear about the shifty landlord who probably spies on his tenants (“Oh, yeah, that’s definitely him, I recognize the tattoo on his left testicle”)

Dead girl, Linda Chapman is from the right side of the tracks, her father Al Chapman is a “real estate developer”. Fancy stuff. Dr. Curtis wants us to know that Linda’s makeup is a mess, and until recently she had been wearing hair extensions, causing her hair to fall out. FANCIER STUFF.

Now, despite all the of concrete left-handed-people-don’t-use-guns-with-their-right-hand and wallet evidence, Detective Bud is still obstinately convinced that this is a murder suicide. He postulates that after Linda dumped David in high school, he “held a candle” for her while she was away at glamorous college and he was stuck swabbing decks and hauling bricks. When she got back and rejected his proposal, kicking him to the curb again, he shot her (..with the gun he brought along in case she said “no”? Ouch. Ladies: ALWAYS say “yes” if he has a gun! Even if the diamond is not so big, you can “change your mind” when you get to the police station later)

Whatever, of course Bud is wrong, we know that. Megan pulls the bullet out of David’s brain, and then pulls ANOTHER BULLET out of his brain. Bud thought one bullet had shattered into two pieces, WELL THINK AGAIN, it is TWO bullets. Whaddaya shoot yourself in the head TWICE?? NO! DUR Bud DUR. ::Does a dance:: It’s definitely MURDER! YAY!

If she doesn’t rub it in, he’ll never learn.

Office meeting, let’s solve this case.
Evidence about Linda:
-She had a childhood accident, broke her spine in three places, no biggie.
-She was probably bulimic, but not for a long period of time
Evidence about Dave:
-No evidence really, except some “respiratory complaints” in his “file”
hahaha what file? We never know. Who cares!

Their last meal was burgers and green french fries. Specific! I like how this show is addressing the importance of stomach contents, I mean, the entire case in the last episode hinged on it, and now, right off the bat, first clue, BAM stomach contents. As if, after the last show, they expected us to be all, “Make sure you check the stomach contents! You almost forgot last time, and therein lay the key!” I do feel like I’m getting something I haven’t gotten from other crime dramas before, an answer to that age old question, “but what did the dead guy EAT??!”

Stomach contents are the new semen.

Peter is off to tell the detectives about the very important “green french fry” clue (for some reason they have left the lab in between these two scenes… best not wonder about these things) Megan tells Tweedle Sugar and Tweedle Nerd to go test David’s lungs, Curtis reiterates the non-dramatic office drama about expensive and unnecessary tests. Blah blah blah, budgets, blah blah blah, going rogue. Megan responds by getting hyper dramatic about “these two people will never have a second chance at their first love” and how she’s giving him the chance to be “a doctor who gives a damn”. UGH where is Justin Timberlake, because cry me a fucking river Megan Hunt.

Sonja from The Wire is so fucking good. She has one totally lame Dr. Seuss joke about the green french fries (it is a really really shitty stupid line) and she just fucking sells the shit out of it. GIVE HER MORE AND BETTER LINES, make Bud the back up detective and her the lead. Listen to me TV!

Detective Samantha has more sass in her half smile than Dr. Megan has in ALL her pearls!

Back at the Philadelphia County Medical Center, Megan and the Chief meet with Linda’s aforementioned affluent parents. Daddy Al, talks about how he taught her how to walk again after her spinal accident, he’s crying, it’s pretty sad. They tell Megan that Linda’s last job was as a waitress at a bar, she was saving up for, get this, law school! We’re going to have to keep a tally of how many dead girl lawyers turn up on this show (aspiring lawyers count, because I said so.) Also, Linda had been dating her boss, but she broke up with him “months ago”

Meet suspect number 1, Bossypants:

Not this one! But meet this one too… go buy it! It is probably not about murder, but who cares! It’s TINA!

This is the Bossypants I meant. Yup, totally looks like a murderer.

This Bossypants is pretty clearly the worst. He forces his current girlfriend, who is clearly terrified of him, to dress like life is 1990s Vegas (NOT ironically you guys!) and wear extensions in her hair (!). Bossypants also says that “not eating wasn’t exactly Linda’s problem” so ding ding ding, take a shot and then purge it, because it’s BULIMIA.

Also, something that is totally not going to be important, Peter leans against the counter and Bossypants warns him that it is being cleaned with Baking Soda, Cream of Tartar, and Lemon Juice and it will stain clothes. HMMMMMMM, good casual mention. He also says that this cleaning solution takes TWO DAYS to work. Dude, just buy some Pledge MultiSurface! Ugh, you know abusive boyfriends slash barkeeps, they just gotta to go organic!

You guys! Mystery solved! Not the murder though! The mystery of Peter! He explains to Bossypants that…

“I’m a Medical Legal Investigator. I investigate anything having to do with a suspicious death…”

I know last recap I said that having a character announce their exact title and purpose is hacky TV writing at worst, hilariously inept character development at best, but I’m actually SO RELIEVED that we know what Pete’s deal is, even if it is totally fucking redundant for him to exist. He’ll be Robin to Megan’s Batman, just as unnecessary, but how else would we know how Batman is feeling about his daughter?

Anywho, while Megan and Peter are getting kicked out of Bossypant’s bar, Detectives Bud and Samantha are questioning a Skinhead in David’s old neighborhood (also know for “green water ice” = green stomach fries… Philadelphia thing, whatever) Meet suspect number 2, the Skinhead:

Clearly he was not hugged enough as a child… or he was hugged too much by the wrong people.

He had been in a fight with David, he says that David shouldn’t have brought his “black bitch” into the restaurant. At which Samantha slams the Skinhead into a brick wall, because she is an awesome black LADY who demands fucking respect in a way that only a brick wall to the FACE can demand. AMERICAN HISTORY DOUBLE X CHROMOSOME.

Anyway, no one likes racists except other racists, and when a jerk loses a fight, he usually does not want to lose the war, right? So the Skinhead is a very very good suspect.

Ugh, you guys, Megan is such a bad mom. She actually makes Peter drive her to Lacey’s horseback riding lesson. As if they aren’t in the middle of solving two murders. Peter even uses the dating metaphor (please stop Peter.) to point out how creepy and controlling this is, but Megan is just excited to be rekindling her relationship with her daughter.

They spy on Lacey as she flirts with an age-appropriate neutered Bieber-approximation. AGAIN Megan has the worst timing ever, she goes up to say ‘hi’ right when Lacey is about to the stable boy out for malts. The cock blocking is uncomfortable but also HILARIOUS because the stable boy, like, runs away without introducing himself or even saying a quick ‘hi’… it was like he peed himself.

Defeated in love (ew) Megan heads back to the lab and with Curtis’s help determines conclusively that Linda was bulimic (WE ALREADY KNEW) but only for the time that she worked for Bossypants. They also confirm that David had traces of the Baking Soda/Lemon/Cream of Tartar cleaning solution on him so he was at the bar the night he was killed. Bossypants is lying! But is he lying more than the Skinhead?? All these murder suspects are lying!

Megan has a fancy but TENSE lunch at “Twist” with her daughter. We learn that Megan missed more than one custody-related courtdate, ouch. That is pretty unforgivable. Then her daughter says things like this:
“You don’t get to tell me how to feel”
“I feel like I can’t breathe, so just back off okay”
“I’m not ready for this, so I’m just gonna go.”
GET IT, It’s like they’re in a romantic relationship! Weird.

After her daughter leaves Megan at the table like they had a one night stand, Megan pulls out her compact and fixes her eye makeup, this gives her the idea to test dead girl Linda’s smudged eye makeup… too bad she didn’t think of that while she was taking off her makeup last night, or putting it on this morning, but now is really the perfect time in the story for her to think of doing that. Funny how that works out. Anyway, she tests the eyelids and finds GSR (It’s gunshot residue Peter) and DNA, which means the killer took a moment after killing and closed Linda’s eyes.

Important Medical Investigation of eye muck.

While the Mod Squad interviews Bossypants (he’d been threatening Linda, he’s jerk, same old same old), his current squeeze, Vegas Dress, tells them that Bossypants was with her the night of the murder… but she’s the battered girlfriend, so ya’know RELIABLE ALIBI!

Megan and Peter scheme to get Vegas Dress away from Bossypants. Peter calls the bar pretending to be his neighbor and says his house is on fire, so Bossypants runs out of the bar like his house is on fire, leaving Vegas Dress to be seduced by Megan’s female empowerment lecture.

They bring her to the morgue and show her Linda’s body. The Chief and Megan offer her counseling and shelter, and she takes them up on it, but it really was the truth that she was with Bossypants the night of the murders. He is not the killer! But he is still an asshole, so even though she was not lying, they still hook her up with the shelter. Oh well, he was a really good suspect though! Thanks for playing Body of Proof, here’s your gift card to Olive Garden!

The Chief and Megan, on a “tough talks with ladies” kick, talk to Linda’s mom about Linda’s troubling relationship with Bossypants, and how dead guy David got her out of the abusive relationship and really loved Linda! Mom tells them that, actually, David dropped by the night of the murder and told her and Daddy Al all about Bossypants, David also asked for permission to marry Linda. They didn’t think to mention it earlier in the investigation because they thought he was lying….? and they said “no” to the marriage, so they felt guilty too…? What?

So….. even after Dr. Megan Hunt told you that this guy for sure did NOT kill your daughter, you just kept this little midnight chat about her abusive ex-boyfriend and possible engagement to yourself? Why does this show insist on making 180 logic turns mid-interview with people? “Fuck that guy!”… three questions later..”Yeah, I know, he was the best!” It’s not a twist if the people are just forgetful!

Nerdy Ethan’s found a lead too, asbestos in David’s lungs that is just a few weeks old, it’s from his construction job. He pulls Curtis away from the lab to investigate, hijinks!

Medical Examiners are totally responsible for field evidence collection from private property.

This is not an illegal search and seizure at all.

They foolishly try to collect evidence, get caught, and run away. And although they do match asbestos at the construction site to what was in David’s lungs, when they go back to the site with Peter and question the foreman about David, it’s a non-starter. No suspects there, David wasn’t blackmailing his boss about the asbestos, so his boss had no reason to kill him, David just wanted a raise for being exposed to cancer. A raise he used to buy an engagement ring! Reasonable guy that dead guy.

Megan tells Peter how badly her lunch with Lacey went and freaks out about how Lacey feels smothered. Megan knows she blew it, but still can’t figure out how, even when she starts whining like, “who will tell her about life and boys and everything.” Peter tells her she should back off, but he’ll probably change his mind later, so who cares.

Through interrogations Bud and Samantha are led to a bloody jacket that belonged to the Skinhead. They get a warrant to search his apartment and arrive backed up by what looks like the bomb squad (for some shithead skinhead… right… okay…) and he tries to run away. Skinheads always have the best ideas! He is obviously caught immediately by badass incarnate.

Sonja even makes, “Please, give me a reason not to shoot your ass.” not the most totally confusing line?!

The blood on the jacket belonged to dead girl Linda and they find the missing engagement ring from the car in Skinhead’s apartment. If we didn’t have another 10 minutes to go, I’d say we have a winner, but this racist is almost too perfect a suspect. Also, neither victim was curbed, the neo-nazi calling card.

Skinhead confesses to stealing the ring, but not murder, says they were already dead when he took it.  Detective Bud waxes philosophical about a Wagner opera, this is supposed to be his “brains redemption” moment, as in, look he’s not a total boob. But he is, HE IS ALL BOOB, because a murder interrogation is neither the time nor place to try to look smart, it is the time and place to get a confession to murder. FULL ON DOUBLE MURDER.

But the Skinhead is not going to confess, because he didn’t do it, he is super confident that the DNA on Linda’s eyelids will not be his. He says that he wouldn’t have shut her eyes, and let the dead girl watch him laugh and “not cry tears of remorse”. Which is a very weird and awkward thing to say, and he only says it so Megan can go, “Tears! Of course!” and run out of the room.

“Tears! Eureka!”

But who could it be? We are out of suspects! Oh wait… Oh, no…

Well, this is where shit gets pretty heavy. They call the Linda’s parents in and you immediately know where it’s going. They ask the mom to sit down, woo boy, here we go… the killer closed her eyes, a skinhead wouldn’t do that, an abusive ex wouldn’t do that, “the killer loved Linda, because Linda was his daughter” YIKES ALERT

The mom doesn’t believe it at first, but, like always, Megan has the body of proof on her side (take a drink). His DNA was on Linda’s eyelids, they matched it with the DNA from HIS FUCKING TEARS on her DEATH CERTIFICATE. DOUBLE YIKES ALERT.

It was an accident, Daddy Al didn’t mean to do it, he knew that David was stubborn and would propose even though they had said no to when he asked permission. We get to watch the whole thing, and it is super depressing.

“Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!“

We will be together for the rest of our lives!

“No! No! A thousand times no!”

Al brought the gun along to scare David, but he got startled when the car door hit him (dumb) and he shot his daughter. Realizing what he did, he shot David in the head twice, and tried to make it look like a suicide. He wiped away his tears and closed his daughters eyes, leaving his DNA behind.

I mean, at least he feels bad about it.

Again, Al talks about re-teaching his daughter to walk, she was his baby girl, he would never hurt her (accept for murdering her) Then he just cries and quietly begs for help. It is FUCKING TERRIBLE.

The actors, even though they were dead most of the time, were really good in this part, I mean my cold shriveled black hole of a heart almost felt something watching it, only a monster wouldn’t. What a fucking downer! I don’t get off on torture porn, I don’t enjoy watching people beg for their lives, it’s distasteful and manipulative, but IT’S GREAT TELEVISION!

As the detectives lead Al away, the Chief summarizes that he “loved his daughter so much he killed her”. This hits Megan, because duh, even Peter picks up on it, and he is not so bright, y’know?

Do you get it? This episode is helpfully titled “Letting Go” IN CASE WE ARE THE STUPIDEST

In the obligatory “saying goodbye to the bodies” scene, Megan calls Curtis “Dr.” instead of “hey you”, or whatever, because that was one of their issues, so… growing! After that, Megan phones her daughter and leaves an “ I’m backing off, but I’m here for you when you need me” message on the answering machine. Lacey is listening, but doesn’t pick up the phone, a mature move for a twelve year old, and for this show.

BOP Takeaway Lessons 2:
-Don’t be in an interracial relationship, you are asking for trouble
-Baking soda, lemon juice, and cream of tartar cleans countertops, but very inefficiently
-Poor teens makeout at the riverbanks, rich teens at the horse stables
-Good dating principles translate very well as absentee parenting principles (title this self-help book “Mothers are from Mars, Daughters are from Urvagina”)