***Please welcome your newest recapper to the site, the lovely and talented SwellMell!
In tonight’s episode, we are introduced to 12 of the U.S. of A’s most talented interior designers. This delightful dozen will embark on the opportunity of a lifetime: competing for their own show on HGTV.
Their first challenge is to design a white box bedroom space inspired by the personality of a fellow designer hmm this could get tricky and messy. All of the contests will be given a $500 budget and let loose in an Asian market to fight for duvet covers and lamp shades “Kill Bill” style.
After the bloodshed subsides and the smell of Glade plug-ins mellows, one designer will be eliminated from the competition.
Welcome to Jura… the Boxed In: The White Box Challenge!
Welcome to NYC, the epicenter of design. 12 of the most accomplished designers in the country are on their way to HGTV’s studios. Not only are they accomplished, they’re also smart. Real smart. Designer no. 1 informs us that in order to be a designer you have to go to school. Really is that all it takes? Well, I guess I should have my own Cindy Crawford Collection by now.
That and you must wear funky scarves.
Wait what’s this? Not everyone went to school for design. Meet designer no. 2.
He grew up on three acres in Arkansas. His construction and design background comes from swinging a hammer. His method of design is “Hammertime” a method 2 Legit 2 Quit.
This year’s design prize is becoming a host of your own design show. And here are our Design Star hosts.
Genevieve Gorder dressed in a Danny Kaye get-up.
“The theatre, the theatre, what’s happened to the theatre?”
Candice Olson, a Cheryl Tiegs look-a-like.
No, I didn’t promote Light n’ Lively Yogurt.
And Vern Yip, the latest victim of Wonkavision.
I knew I should have tried the Everlasting Gobstoppers instead.
The contestants are going to have to prove they are capable of running a T.V. show and it looks like a plaid scarf ensemble man is up to the challenge.
He wants all the lights, the cameras and the attention.
LET’S MEET OUR DESIGNERS…
AT HGTV STUDIOS…
All of the designers convene in the studio and are greeted by Genevieve, Cheryl Tiegs and Vern. Genevieve thinks the designers aren’t familiar with the hosts (Hello Trading Spaces??) so she takes it upon herself to introduce each host.
First up, Cheryl Tiegs. C.T. has her own show “Devine By Design and” clearly Nina is impressed.
Wow Cheryl Tiegs is hosting!
Next up, Genevieve introduces Vern. Vern is the host of the upcoming show “Urban Oasis.” Michael’s eyes glaze over as he imagines being a compact Asian man hosting his own show.
All the lights, the cameras and the attention…’drools on scarf’. Aargh this is a GAP scarf! Damn it!
Finally, Genevieve introduces herself as Genevieve Gorder, host of “Dear Genevieve”.
Round of applause.
Now for the first design challenge. Vern tells his designers that for the first challenge, the designers will get to know each other a lot better. Vern says they are going to design their own White Box Space bedroom for another designer. Sweet. Individual designer sanitariums.
This sanitarium wall padding is SUMPTUOUS and LUXURIOUS!
As the designers begin pondering how they’re going to design their sexy ‘Girl Interrupted’ abodes, Vern warns them that there is a catch. Each designer will be given a budget of $500 and all of the shopping will be done at an Asian market place.
The designers grumble but Michael is elated.
Yes! Commencing phase 1 of becoming a compact Asian man with my own design show.
AT THE WHITE BOX BEDROOM DESIGN SET…
The designers discover that they have already been paired up. Here are our pairs: Dan and Stacey, Julie and Tom, Trent and Tera (Team Trenterasaurus Rex), Casey and Alex, Courtland and Nina, and Michael and Emily.
The designers jot down notes about their partner’s likes and dislikes. Talk of meditation and zodiac signs fills the room.
I’m a Gemini. If you give me a Pisces room I will go all Arnold in “Twins” on you.
Fun flute music plays and you almost expect Daniel-san to pop up and yell “Mr. Miyagi!!” The store is filled with tons of beautiful fabrics and accent pieces.
For all your non-Asian White Box Sanitarium bedroom design needs…
The designers spread out and immediately begin rushing through the store. While everyone does normal stuff like panic and look at fabric, guess what Nina does? She opens a freakin’ umbrella indoors! INDOORS! Everyone knows you don’t break mirrors or open umbrellas indoors because it’s bad luck. Way to start off the competition Nina.
I didn’t mean to open the umbrella indoors. I was just looking for its zodiac sign.
Meanwhile Alex is randomly running left and then running right and making piles. Along the way he snatches up a thatch of white tree branches for his partner Casey’s room.
Look at me! I’m Tilda Swinton as the White Witch of Narnia. Wee!
At the checkout line, Trent brags his total was $499.65, just barely going over the $500 budget. “Clap. Clap.” Congratulations Trent, but this isn’t Supermarket Sweep.
Alex discovers that he forgot an entire pile of stuff he needed. Oh well, that’s what you get Alex for wasting time pretending you were Tilda Swinton eating Turkish Delight.
AT THE WHITE BOX BEDROOM DESIGN SET…
The designers carry their Asian booty into their individual White Box Sanitarium bedroom design box sets. Courtland runs right for the tools and the Fonzie jacket. He explains everything is first come, first serve.
Heyyy I gotta look cool when I’m designing.
Michael doesn’t care that Courtland got the Fonzie jacket because everyone knows compact Asian design hosts never wear leather jackets. They wear sharp suits with pink ties.
Suck on that Fonzie!
Turns out everyone gets assigned their own construction/labor handyman. Good because I wouldn’t trust a Ralph Lauren designer/astrologer with building my bed.
While everyone is busy at work Emily is staring. She explains that she doesn’t draw or do sketches. She stares.
Yeah I look like that LOTR girl who tried to make a move on Aragorn and steal him from Arwen. So what? No one liked Liv Tyler as Arwen anyway.
The most important thing for Emily’s designs is that they look effortless and staring makes that happen and letting her construction/labor handyman do all the work.
Over in Michael’s set he has just kicked over a bucket of paint.
Oww! You just kicked me over! I hope there’s paint on your suede boots, you bastard.
Michael freaks and begins scraping up the paint. He worries that he won’t have enough and will end up with a half-done room that will piss off the judges and he’ll never have his own show.
That’s right. Fill me back up, bitch.
The other designers don’t seem to care that Michael is being verbally abused by his paint can and instead laugh like giggling school girls except for Alex.
Alex is still having problems with his room. An end table refuses to cooperate and keeps falling apart.
Please stay put together. I’m sorry I called you a piece of shit Ikea table.
Emily surveys her room and realizes she’s playing it safe. Her room lacks pizzazz.
Emily, what your room needs is a gimmick!
THE JUDGES ARRIVE…
Genevieve, Cheryl Tiegs and Vern spring from behind the curtains and Vern yells “Time is up!!!!”
This how you make an entrance, Chris Harrison.
The judges start their walk through with Dan and Stacey. Dan and Stacey both like their rooms and give props to one another. What? No one is throwing anyone under the bus?
Vern looks pissed and quickly moves onto the next room.
I’m the Jeff Probst of Design Star and I expect cutthroat shenanigans. This is a competition people!
Courtland and Nina are up next. First of all, Nina’s design for Courtland does not look like anything a man wearing a leather jacket would like. Secondly, she has opened 9 umbrellas indoors. Really testing the gods today aren’t ya Nina?
Unfortunately for Fonzie, Mrs. C. was on an Asian decorating kick.
The judges ask Courtland if he likes the room and he answers like a 12-year-old who just received a duck sweater from his grandmother….”HESITATION….I….like….it.” Later he admits he tried to do the nice thing and didn’t like one element of Nina’s room design. So much caring….Somewhere the Care Bears Caring Meter is going up while Vern dies a little inside.
Now for Courtland’s design. For Nina’s room Courtland was inspired by Nina’s love of art and photography.
Cheryl Tiegs ask Nina if Courtland’s design is a good reflection of her personality. Nina says no, not at all. She is more of a bohemian chic. Burn! And Vern perks up.
Courtland is pissed and tells the cameras Nina never mentioned anything about bohemian chic.
Moving along the judges check-in with Julie and Tom.
Tom tells the judges that he imagined Julie as Princess Jasmine waiting on the terrace of her Alexandria flat waiting for her American boyfriend to show up.
Really, Tom? Last time I checked Jasmine’s boyfriend was Aladdin and he was Egyptian. Get your Disney princesses straight.
Genevieve and Cheryl Tiegs laugh and say “wow that’s a story.” Genevieve asks Julie if she likes Tom’s design and Julie says she does.
Julie’s design for Tom’s room is a hot mess. She explains she wanted to create a calming oasis that Tom could come home to after a long day at the office.
Feathers, feathers everywhere someone must have gotten goosed.
The judges hesitantly make their way into Julie’s room. Cheryl Tiegs does a can-can through the feathers. Vern snickers and tells Cheryl she is messing up the rug. Tiegs responds “clean-up on aisle two.” Nice one Cheryl Tiegs. I’m sure you’ve had many yogurt spills in aisle two.
Ooo next up is Alex and Casey. Alex explains that Casey has to travel a lot and stay in lots of hotel rooms that have wardrobes that lead to other dimensions.
Fresh tea served by Mr. Tumnus every afternoon.
Casey likes the room but wishes Alex had more time to work on the floor because to her it seems unfinished. She then begins to wonder if she as a person is unfinished. She skips off to see the Wizard.
But before departing for Oz, Casey tells the judges her design for Alex’s room consists of a very clean aesthetic. Alex likes it and says everything is very streamlined.
The judges go onto visit Team Trenterasaurus Rex (Trent and Tera). Tera explains that Trent loves to travel and chill out. Tera thinks her design for Trent turned out great but worries that you never know what those judges are looking for.
C – “Nice use of design.” V- “Hate it. My blind 300-lb mother could do better.” G – “I could walk barefoot in there.”
Trent keeps with the chill theme and designed a room that Tera could chillax in. Bored the judges move onto Michael and Emily. This should be interesting.
Michael has finally silenced his paint can by draining it of its painty life-force just like a certain sparkly vampire would. His room design for Emily the Strange was based on the casual laid-back vibe of Portland. She never makes her bed so neither did Michael.
The judges find this witty and amusing and Michael is pleased.
Genevieve asks Emily about the design for Michael. Michael loves everything he owns and doesn’t have stuff he doesn’t like.
There are no Chuck Norris shirts in my closet.
Vern makes a “mmhmmm” noise and jots something down. It’s indiscernible whether it is positive or negative because Vern has his Lady Gaga poker face on.
THE TOP SIX AND BOTTOM SIX DESIGNERS…
The top six are Stacy, Tera, Nina, Casey, Michael and Dan.
The best designer in this challenge is NINA!?!?!?! WTF?!?!? I don’t understand. Her room was devoid of Gemini-ism and chock full of bad-luck umbrellas. Is this some sort of mind f—k, Vern?
The bottom six are Courtland, Alex, Trent, Emily, Tom and Julie.
The bottom six designers face a final challenge: to host a T.V. show. The judges will take into consideration each designer’s T.V. show video and room design in order to decide who will be eliminated.
FINAL ELIMINATION DAY…
Tom is working out Patrick Bateman style in the Designer’s Penthouse.
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO!
The designers reconvene at the HGTV studios. As the designers enter the final elimination room, Vern gives them the patented Jeff Probst staredown.
Yes, I am rocking the Edward Cullin bouffant tonight.
The judges ask Courtland about the Nina situation and don’t cut him any slack when he explains that Nina never told him about bohemian chic. Vern tells Courtland, “hey Kelly Rowland, don’t let Nina out-Beyonce you” or you’re going to be out.
Then the judges revisit Tom’s room. Clearly, Tom’s lack of knowledge in the area of Disney Princesses is what got him to the chopping block today. The judges aren’t too negative about Alex’s room. The main problem was the color scheme for the bed.
Now for Julie’s room. Vern’s face becomes tense and he demands to know who executed all of the geese. Cheryl Tiegs loves the blue walls of the room because it reminds of her Blueberry Delight Light n’ Lively Yogurt but on the other hand it is chaotic and gives her a stomachache.
Trent is advised to make $500 seems like $5,000.
Genevieve thinks Emily is a playful person and she should show more of that. Vern thinks Emily’s room was a prison cell for a monk who took the loose threads from his garments and made the art for the wall. Sounds like a great movie role for Tom Cruise: “Xenu: Celibate Monk Artist”.
The designers are dismissed and the judges deliberate.
YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK, GOOD-BYE…
The designers are called back into the room and the bottom two are Julie and Emily. Everyone is forced to watch the bottom two’s taped “T.V. shows”. ‘shudder’ Emily’s tape is a bunch of rambling and Julie’s sounds like a scripted Captain Planet Informercial.
The judges confer again quickly. Julie is eliminated.
Pack up your shit and get the hell out of here. Toodles.
Vern warns the designers that mediocre and incomplete designs will not be tolerated. Furthermore he does not want to see any of the remaining bottom 5 back here next week. The designers are dismissed.
Looks like this is going to be an awesome season. See you next week!