This week on Breaking Amish, everything is explained in clear, sense-making detail!
Hahahahaha!!! Juuuuuuust kidding!!
I may actually be more confused this week than I have been in previous weeks. This show is like the Benjamin Button of reality TV. I now know less about these people than I did when watching the premier.
This week, everyone returns home to face the wrath of their communities. Jeremiah returns to his fiancee? Girlfriend? Wife? Ex-wife? Whoooo????? I have no clue. She was his fiance in the premier, but since then we’ve learned that Jeremiah was once married, joined the church when he was 16, and that the Amish do not believe in divorce. Therefore, I have no fucking clue what’s going on.
Kate returns to a father and mother who want nothing to do with her. She returns to New York to begin her sure-to-be-a-lifelong career of modeling, since she has a CONTRACT! A contract for 30 days. She still doesn’t seem to understand what “probation period” means. She moves into the model apartment and learns that life as a budding model sucks ballz. She attends her first two auditions and is told to lose yet another 5 lbs, because 110 lbs on a 5’10″ frame is just too damn heavy. I guess she could just get on ANTM so that Tyra can tell her she’s too fat and then chastise her for losing weight and becoming anorexic.
Rebecca comes home to an empty house. She heads out to the phone outhouse and learns that she has Amish friends how answer the phone on the first ring and that her family up and moved while she was away. They even took her stuff. Nice. Abe’s mom, being the only cool one on the show, still loves her son but tells him he’s got to go so she doesn’t get shunned, too. So, our happy little couple has no family left. What does a down-and-out couple with no loved ones do? Why, they plan an expensive traditional English wedding, of course!! $25K sounds like a good spend for a wedding with 5 total guests, including the bride and groom.
Sabrina says she’s going back to the Mennonite community, but I’m confused because she still dresses English and whines a lot. Her story really didn’t blossom on this episode, so I’m not sure what’s going on. I do, however, understand that she’s still living in Lancaster. Because their only “friend” is living in Lancaster, Abe and Rebecca plan to move there to host their pointless wedding.
Sabrina is going to be the Maid of Honor (or Matron, because she was once married…or is still married?) and Jeremiah is going to be the best man, because frankly Abe has no other friends and Satan was too busy.
I’ll have the full cap up shortly, but I can’t promise that I’ll know more at that time than I know right now. Maybe if I get drunk FIRST, I’ll be able to grasp more…? Maybe??