Hey guys! Swellmel here, and I’m going to be recapping the first season of “Breakthrough with Tony Robbins.” For those of you not familiar with Tony Robbins, he’s that inspirational guru with the oblong Easter Island head.
Tony Robbins meet Easter Island Head
See the resemblance?
Here’s what Breakthrough with Tony Robbins is going to be about, according to NBC.com
Exciting stuff, huh? Didn’t read it? Neither did I.
Ready to make a breakthrough? No? Me either, but we can eat a bowl of popcorn and watch other people work through their problems.
BREAKTHROUGH WITH TONY ROBBINS OPENING….
Dramatic music. Is that the sound of thunder? Is that lightning? A series of clips with’tonisms’ flashes across the screen.
*Tonism – Tony Robbins’ sound bites that IMO sound threatening, but hey who am I to judge? I’m not an inspirational guru, yet…..
You might not be happy but you gotta go deal with it.
Are you in? Or are you out?
If you don’t do it, we’re done!
I’m gonna make you do stuff you don’t want to do.
Face stuff you don’t want to face.
It will be an experience, and your life will never be the same again.
Rapid flash montage. Followed by this:
SUPER TONY ROBBINS MONTAGE! JAZZ HANDS! DAVID BLAINE MAGIC!
Tony Robbins tells us he has been an author, strategist and coach for over 30 years. Now he is taking on his toughest challenge yet: helping families in crisis in only 30 days.
If Rachael Ray can cook a 30 min. meal, I can fix a family in 30 days.
So basically what I get from this intro is these people didn’t pay for their Anthony ‘Tony’ Robbins Get the Edge box set.
$169.99 on amazon.com
This must be Tony’s way of collecting payment.
An inspirational song plays as these words flash across the screen:
Pushed to extraordinary limits….
But if they survive….
They will change their lives forever!
Hmm “but if they survive…” Well, that’s certainly ominous, Tony. Ooo here comes our first inspirational story.
MEET FRANK AND KRISTEN ALIOTO….
Kristen, appearing in black and white so you know that it’s serious, tells the camera Dec. 6, 2008, the happiest day of her life turned into a nightmare.
At their wedding reception, she and her husband held hands and together jumped into a swimming pool. It was during this pool jump that Frank broke his neck in two places.
Okay, I’m going to stop right here and say that this story is truly heartbreaking and when recapping Kristen/Frank I’m going to do what’s right and refrain from my usual snarkiness. I’ll save the snarkiness for Tony.
Kristen says right after it happened the EMTs took off Frank’s wedding ring as they transported him to the hospital. Frank, a year later, has yet to put back on his wedding ring.
Frank tells the camera they were planning a life together. Now they don’t know if they’ll be able to have kids; they don’t know anything.
Kristen tells us she doesn’t know the role of a wife, just the role of a caregiver.
Tony Robbins, you better get your ass in here quick and save this marriage, but use the door not the window. We all know how you like to re-enact the police ambush scene in ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.’
Ah here’s Tony Robbins. Like an old school Michael Eisner Disney movie introduction, Tony Robbins is standing before the camera introducing tonight’s episode.
I prefer a simple blue background. I don’t need fancy castles and fairy dust like Eisner.
Tony Robbins tells us we have an incredible love story and tragedy all rolled into one. He says the question is tonight will we have a sad story or will we have proof positive that love really does conquer all. Ladies and gentlemen this is the story of Kristen and Frank Alioto.
FLASHBACK OF KRISTEN AND FRANK’S WEDDING DAY…
The wedding took place in Mexico. Kristen tells us she was thrilled to be marrying Frank.
He could wear socks with sandals like nobody’s business, and he made the best George Foreman grill burgers.
Everyone in the wedding party was thrilled too, so much so that they all did an impromptu wave.
Doing the wave is so much cooler than ripping off that Chris Brown ‘Youtube’ wedding video. ‘cough The Office’
Frank explains later that evening they decided to jump in the pool. As soon as he hit the water, he knew something was wrong.
When I landed on what later turned out to be Ryan Seacrest, at the time I thought it was a leprechaun hired by the bachelorette party, and didn’t feel anything I knew something was off.
Tony Robbins and his blue screen reappears to tell us how would you feel if you spent your wedding evening in a Mexican hospital not knowing what is going to happen?
Can you imagine? I can. I once had Montezuma’s Revenge. Didn’t know if my colon and I were going to make it. Told my wife Sage, honey, my box set of The Hills are now yours and here’s the combo to my safe.
Eeek this flashes across the screen.
Tony Robbins, are you like the girl in “The Ring”? Does this mean I’m going to die in seven days?
Montage of a typical day for Kristen and Frank. Kristen getting Frank ready in the morning, feeding him, etc.
Tony Robbins begins to narrate. Kristen and Frank are trapped in their house. Kristen can’t be a wife.
Literally from day one she’s been changing his catheter every few hours.
Whoa Tony Robbins!!! TMI!!!
Kristen tells us when she sees old pictures of her and Frank she doesn’t know who those people are because that’s not them anymore.
Frank wonders everyday ‘what if? what if he walked around the pool instead of jumping in?’
Tony Robbins tells us our job together is to have Frank discover how to own himself again and release himself from the confines of his mind.
And if necessary I will build him robot legs. I have those skills that pay the bills.
Which is why Tony Robbins is personally inviting Kristen and Frank to his home in Fiji. Damn! A home in Fiji!!!! Those self-help tapes are a goldmine.
Montage of Frank and Kristen packing, boarding a plane and heading to this:
Lost’s island. If it could heal John Locke, surely it can heal Frank.
Ahhh another message!!!
If I rewrite it before 7 days, does that mean I’ll live?
ON TONY ROBBINS’ MAGICAL FIJI ISLAND…
Kristen tells us as they pulled up to Tony’s house they saw a majestic Easter Island statue out front.
Easter Island Statue.
Kristen tells the camera that Tony helping Frank out of the car really touched her.
Tony – “No biggie. I once carried Christopher Reeves, who was wearing a cape, on my back so he could pretend to be Superman again. I would not let paralysis be his kryptonite.”
Frank is impressed to be in the company of a man who has worked with celebrities, dignitaries and politicians.
Once everyone is out of the car, Tony Robbins lays down the law of the land.
He explains to Frank that he doesn’t have the ability to make Frank walk again….yet, but he can help him with other stuff.
Would you like to learn the secret to winning Wii Disney’s Sing It? I can make you sing like Zac Efron.
Can you help me sound like Vanessa Hudgens?
Ohhh thank you, Tony Robbins!!!!
It’s going to be an adventure…and require a little studio Kanye West synthesizer but I think we can manage.
Time for Care Bear hugs!!!
Hug a lot! We like to hug. ‘clap’ ‘clap’ ‘clap clap’
Actually Swellmel, we call these T. Bear hugs on my Fiji Island.
Oops. Sorry, Tony Robbins.
Despite Tony Robbins’ awesome bear hug, Frank tells us he’s thinking to himself “I have so many problems, Tony Robbins isn’t going to be able to help me.”
Here comes another message!!!
Should I be afraid that with each message I’m getting closer to being pulled into a well by a gollum-type tween with split ends?
Tony Robbins is sitting at a table asking Frank and Kristen questions. Nice deck you got there Tony.
He wants Kristen and Frank to explain
- What they have been through,
- Where they are today, and
- Where they would like to go from here.
Do you guys really like TGIF’s over Appleby’s? I just don’t get it. I mean Appleby’s is ‘Eatin’ good in the neighborhood.’ Winning slogan = winning food in my book.
Kristen answers yes they really prefer TGIF’s and today they are trying to get back to life via their new reality.
Frank explains that he isn’t really living. He’s just eating, taking pills and then waiting for the next meal.
Kristen says she is going to work, managing a house, taking care of Frank and trying to grieve.
Tony Robbins asks how does she manage to do all that at once.
I tried eating a Taco Bell Chalupa once while driving, and I just…couldn’t. It was too much. Lettuce, taco beef and cheese went all down the front of me. I told the chalupa, I respect that I don’t have ownership of you when I’m driving. I will wait to eat you at a rest stop.
Kristen tells Tony that she cries a lot, and Frank says if he could give Kristen anything he would be self-supportive so she wouldn’t be his caretaker.
Tony Robbins asks the two what was a dream for you before this happened?
Frank says to start a family and to race in the desert. Before the accident Frank had been working on building a desert race truck.
That’s so cool, Frank! A doom buggy just like the ones in “Doom Runners” starring Tim Curry. BTW have you considered a hoverboard?
Tony Robbins and his blue screen tell us his job is to give Frank back his independence and teach Kristen and Frank that they can still have an extraordinary quality of life.
And they can start that by watching quality programming on Nick at Nite. Did you know that I’ve been told I look like Herman Munster?
Tony Robbins tells Frank and Kristen that he has a task for them. He warns them it is aggressive, but they must complete it in order to move on in the journey.
Tony Robbins asks everyone to place their hands in the middle of the table.
Okay guys this game is called Mercy.
But that game hurts. I’m not really feeling up to it.
We’re all equals on this island, Frank. Play!
Kristen says she thought the challenge was getting to Fiji. It’s difficult trying to find a time traveling island. She didn’t realize there were going to be tasks.
Tony Robbins asks Kristen and Rob if they are up for the challenge. Frank nods yes and Kristen verbally affirms her participation.
Tony Robbins grins, and we cut to commercial break.
Damn! No sexy shirtless Sawyer emerging from the waves.
Egad! Here comes Tony Robbins uttering some indecipherable island greeting.
Frank – “Owww my hand.”
Tony Robbins – “Frank, I told you the island rules. A Mercy attack can happen at any time. You must always be on your guard.”
Tony Robbins asks if Frank slept well. Frank says yes. Tony Robbins tells Frank he is here to deliver the first assignment.
Frank and Kristen look a little nervous.
Tony Robbins tells them the last time Frank and Kristen took off to a beautiful place together they took a leap that lead to a lot of tragedy.
Did you have to say leap, Tony Robbins?
Yes, I did Kristen, because I’m using the word leap as a segue for today you’re going to need to take one because you’re sky-diving as a couple.
Tony Robbins, Frank isn’t Lt. Dan. He doesn’t have steel legs.
Frank tells the camera Tony Robbins is INSANE! Kristen tells the camera she is terrified.
Don’t worry it’s normal to be scared. I’m scared for you, and I’ll continue to be scared for you while I sit here drinking my imported Hogwarts Butterbeer as you two kids jump.
Tony Robbins tells Kristen and Frank they must be wondering if Step 1 is jumping out of an airplane what could he possibly have in mind for steps 2 and 3? Tony Robbins tells them not to worry there is a method to his madness. Ohhhh I’m sure there is.
And now Tony Robbins takes this opportunity to bring back his blue screen and explain to us what is a breakthrough.
A moment in time when you get an insight or see a truth or have an experience and you take back control of your life. It’s like opening a pop tart and putting it in the toaster. Pure Kellogg’s magic….
Tony Robbins tells Kristen he knows every day she wakes up with fears and jumping out of a plane is the best way to conquer those fears. However, before he can let Kristen and Frank jump out of an airplane he needs to lay the groundwork and give them the tools so they can harness the raw strength inside them.
Okay but I think a parachute would probably work better.
Arghhh here comes another step!!!
As you attempt to climb out of the well, just like Naomi Watts.
Tony Robbins has Kristen close her eyes and asks her to think of a time that she was crazy angry.
When McDonald’s almost poisoned me with those cadmium Shrek cups.
I felt the same way when McDonald’s told me I was too big to play in their ball pit.
Tony Robbins tells Kristen to go to that place of anger, to imagine throwing Frank’s glasses.
Kristen starts crying. Cue the blue screen.
Kristen needs to detach her jaw like that one dude in the “Mummy Returns.” See like this. And scream!!!
Tony Robbins tells her “See what you see. Feel what you feel and say it.”
I’m not sure Tony Robbins knew what Kristen was going to say, but it sounds like she says “I’m so fucking stupid.”
Tony Robbins keeps telling her to repeat it. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It’s like telling an anorexic girl to keep repeating “I’m so fat. I’m so fat…”
Ooo look! Tony Robbins is feeling the emotions in the room. His bottom lip is quivering.
I say the same thing when I don’t listen to my GPS Velma. Velma is always right, it’s why I named her after the smart Scooby.
Tony Robbins turns to Frank and asks him to share his angry thoughts.
Frank tells Tony Robbins when Kristen is upset he feels angry that he can’t take off his glasses.
Tony Robbins tells Frank to feel strong instead of angry.
Frank, yell with me “I am woman! Hear me roar!!!”
Tony Robbins, I’m not a woman.
Tony Robbins tells Frank to look at Kristen as the blue screen rolls up again.
At this moment he can take those Tears for Fears and make them SHOUT, SHOUT LET IT ALL OUT, THESE ARE THE THINGS I CAN DO WITHOUT, COME ON, I’M TALKING TO YOU, COME ON.
Frank and Kristen begin to ahem reconnect.
Whoa! Hand on crotch!!
Blue screen comes flying back.
Yeah, you’re not giving him a hand job while I’m still standing here, mm’kay?
Frank and Kristen share I love yous, and Frank promises to be an emotional shoulder that Kristen can lean on.
Tony Robbins is truly touched.
This moment is so beautiful. It takes me back to when I got my first Happy Meal. The toy was a G.I. Joe. I named him Steve. Steve and I were great friends, until I flushed him down the toilet. The bathroom flooded, and well, I got my ass whipped. Whew and look at where we are today? FIJI!!!
Blue screen is back.
This right here folks is the beginning of a breakthrough.
Frank pulls Kristen’s head toward his….
Seriously guys, I’m still standing – right – here.
Tony Robbins tells Frank and Kristen that flying is euphoric and that he’s gotta go. Toodles!
And here comes step 4.
Pass that cursed tape onto someone else, FOOL!
AT A FIJI AIRPORT…
Here comes a helicopter. Look, there’s a plane.
Helicopter and airplane playing chicken.
Tony Robbins waves as Kristen and Frank pull up in a van. The two begin suiting up for their skydive, giving Tony Robbins the perfect opportunity for a blue screen moment.
As you can see, there is a glowing light behind me. That’s the vortex opening. If I don’t get the amulet to the Banana King soon the vortex will open up and let out a thousand years of darkness.
Frank tells Kristen everything is going to be alright. He then tells Tony Robbins that he’s nervous.
Tony Robbins laughs.
Tony Robbins – “Here let me give you a titty twister. There ya go. Pain replaces fear.”
The airplane lifts off the ground. Notice that Tony Robbins remains on the ground.
Okay, now that’s done. Time for waffles.
Up in the air Frank and Kristen must be pissing themselves.
First to jump or be thrown is Frank. He tells the camera after the initial fear it was the free-est he has felt since he was paralyzed.
Kristen jumps next. The two shout “I love you” in mid-air.
Tony Robbins watches from below.
Tony Robbins – “Watching them reminds me of that time my friend and I decided to be Icarus and Daedalus. As you can see, obviously I was Daedalus.”
Tony Robbins tells us so many of us operate on autopilot but Frank is no long on autopilot. He was able to complete the mission and enjoy it. Yes, the blue screen pops up.
I was on autopilot when I did a stint at beauty school. Turned a woman’s hair pink. I became a beauty school drop out but look at me now!
Kristen lands first. She tells Tony Robbins it was crazy. He of course just laughs.
Here comes Frank. Everybody cheers. Tony Robbins rushes over.
Tony Robbins – “Here’s a titty twister to calm you down. There ya go. Pain replaces hysteria.”
Kristen says now more than ever she feels like a wife.
LATER THAT EVENING…
Tony Robbins crashes Kristen and Frank’s dinner. He pulls up a chair.
Tony Robbins makes a knocking sound under the table.
Hey Frank, quit whacking off under the table. Hahaha. I’m just joshing you.
Tony Robbins is here to deliver the next step of the journey. What is it? What is it? TELL ME!!!
He tells them all he’s going to give them is a card and an address.
Bachelor fantasy suite card or a one-way ticket to Japan?
He warns there is danger and risk involved. Also there are two different cards and addresses. Tony Robbins explains that Kristen and Frank must spend time apart to work on their individual issues.
Cue blue screen.
My wife Sage and I frequently spend time apart. She knows that Tuesdays are my ‘The Hills’ nights. I eat pizza and bon-bons and tweet funny things that Spencer says.
Frank and Kristen start crying again. They tell Tony Robbins they accept his challenge.
FRANK’S CHALLENGE: LOCATION OCEANSIDE, CA.
Frank holds up a card revealing his location.
Please send help to this address!
Frank is scared as he wheels aimlessly about.
Blue screen again.
Ehhh TCBY brain freeze.
Here comes step 5.
You successfully passed along the cursed tape.
Frank enters a gym and finds a bunch of guys in wheelchairs running into each other.
Did you just call me Carrot Top? errrr ‘wheel chair crash’
At first, he’s frightened. Then he meets Andy Cohn, Murderball Olympic Champion.
Oh it’s called Murderball…that’s comforting.
Andy gets Frank suited up for a game. Turns out Murderball is like rugby for people in wheelchairs.
Cue blue screen.
I once murdered someone…with a ball.
Montage of Murderball practicing. Tony Robbins explains that Frank will participate in a real game of Murderball.
You see I threw a ball at a tree and my cat Donkey Lips (named after my fav ‘Salute Your Shorts’ character) was in the tree. Ball knocked Donkey Lips to his death.
KRISTEN’S CHALLENGE: LOCATION CAL-A-VIE
Kristen pulls up to a fancy spa-like looking building.
Seriously, blue screen already?
So after I killed Donkey Lips, I binged on ho-hos and chicken pot pies. Afterwards I detoxed at Cal-a-vie, the place where I sent Kristen.
Kristen appears to be doing some yoga. Later she plays some golf.
BACK AT FRANK’S CHALLENGE…
Andy is showing Frank the medals he won, and he reveals that his wife is pregnant thus making Frank curious.
Andy’s wife comes in and the two tell Frank not to give up hope on having a family someday.
We learn that Frank has been practicing for a week and now it’s time for the actual game and of course a blue screen visit.
Speaking of games, I’d appreciate it Paula Abdul if you’d quit playing games with my heart (echo my heart) my heart. If you don’t you’ll be a cold-hearted snake. Look into her eyes. Ohh ohhhh. You’ve been telling lies…
Tony Robbins tells us Frank doesn’t know this but he’s going to surprise him by bringing Kristen and his family to watch.
Frank tells the camera he is going to be in sheer terror during the game.
Tony Robbins tells the camera he calls Kristen up and tells her it’s time to be with her man again and she gives this little shriek.
I make the same sound when my Easy Mac is done. Ding! Heaven!
Tony Robbins tells Kristen to meet with him. At the point we learn it has been 16 days. Wow.
Kristen tells us she has missed Frank. Tony Robbins takes her to see Frank in action at Murderball.
Frank’s parents and friend Aaron also join the Murderball party. As the game gets going, the family looks worried.
Oh. My. God. I think they just killed that Carrot Top kid.
Tony Robbins is ecstatic with Frank’s performance and tells us so with a blue screen.
I like turtles.
Frank scores a goal! Yayyyy!!! His family is so proud of him.
After the game, Tony Robbins has a post-game therapy session. He asks Frank about his dream. Frank tells Tony Robbins about his race truck.
Tony Robbins tells Frank that is the next assignment. Frank with the help of his friends and family will finish rebuilding that race truck. Then Frank will race it in the desert.
I call shotgun!
Kristen isn’t too thrilled about it. Frank’s family warns Tony Robbins about how unsafe the race truck is.
AT KRISTEN AND FRANK’S HOUSE IN REDONDO BEACH, CA.
We learn that it is Day 20 of Kristen and Frank’s journey. Also we learn that apparently Frank has got what we need.
A million dollars?
Of course a shirt like that will require a blue screen to follow. Proceed Tony Robbins.
What I need… is to know whether Vicki the Robot grew up. To know if Harriet roofied Jamie and they lived happily ever after. These are questions that need…answers….
Frank and his friends survey the race truck.
Tony Robbins tells us this isn’t just about the race truck, it’s about fulfilling Frank’s dreams.
Here comes step 6.
No habla ingles. Tape is in English. There solves your problem.
Montage of working on the race truck. The guys get the truck up and running.
At first, Kristen was nervous, now she is excited for Frank.
AT LUCERNE VALLEY, CA.
It is Day 25 and race truck day. Frank and his truck are ready and waiting for Tony Robbins.
Frank is ecstatic so that means a blue screen is necessary. If you haven’t turned the blue screen pop-ups into a drinking game by now…well, shame on you.
Yesss ecstatic is a breakthrough. I was ecstatic when Nina Gargamelda was eliminated from Design Star.
Tony Robbins gets out of his truck and immediately plasters himself to Frank’s truck window.
Quick let me in Frank! I feel tremors out here, and we don’t have Kevin Bacon here to protect us!
Frank lets Tony Robbins into the car.
Ready! This red donut is just like Jenny’s green ribbon. Tehe.
Frank floors it and off they go.
Montage of donuts and cool driving.
Frank tells us he hit a low point with his accident and now he’s on his way back up.
Tony Robbins tells us he has one more big surprise for Kristen and Frank. Naturally Frank says oh no!
THE FINAL SURPRISE: WADSWORTH THEATRE…
It is now Day 30 and time for step 7.
Destroy that tape and then work it (need a glass of water) until the sequel comes out.
Tony Robbins tells Frank and Kristen that their families decided to throw them another wedding to make up for the one that ended so badly.
Suddenly the stage transforms into a wedding set and the entire wedding party from Mexico joins them on stage.
Awww. : )
It’s beautiful…just likes ‘Days of Our Lives’ John Black and Marlena when John was paralyzed.
Frank and Kristen officially renew their vows. The crowd cheers.
Frank tells the camera the camera he wants to thank Tony Robbins.
Final blue screen of the episode.
It turned out to be a love story after all…just like Ken and Barbie. Sage, can you show me how to tie an ascot like Ken’s?
See you guys next week when Tony Robbins takes on his next breakthrough challenge!