Bridezillas: Back to the Pride Land

We see the bull elephant in her natural habitat of Winderemere, Florida. She goes by her herd name, Kym, and can be differentiated from the rest of the herd with a big black bow right in front of her massive ear.

The mate she has chosen is not typical of her species, however, since she is the largest of her herd, she has earned the right to do as she pleases. If any member of the herd shall protest, they run the risk of sending her into a wild rage and possibly being trampled. Thus, they have learned to turn a blind eye from her mate of choice, a giraffe called High.

They met at a local watering hole where Kym began charging and making snide comments about his choice of drink.  She is drawn to his smoldering eyes, his long hair and his ability to reach the leaf at the very top of the tallest tree.

As the largest, most aggressive member of her herd, Kym demands that she get her way or she will terminate the lives of the rest of the herd. Demand number 1: her giraffe mate must get his hair cut. Long, unkempt hair is the most embarrassing thing a member of the elephant order can endure, and a thing they don’t often have to deal with as they are hairless mammals. Kym is devastated with the number of challenges this mixed species union in creating.

During the hair cutting ritual, High the giraffe, is having difficulty of his own. In his herd, his mother was always the one who cut his hair. Since he has abandoned his herd for Kym’s herd, he must accept a new hair cutter. As bits of hair fall to the ground, you can see the inner conflict reflected in his eyes, and at any moment, he might take to flight. But elephant Kym is there to ensure he does not succumb to his fight or flight instinct. Under her command, she will make sure that he understands the only option is fight.

After Kym asserts her dominance with her mate, she must go intimidate the makeup artist into creating an amazing facemask for her to wear in her blessed mixed species union. She has enlisted the aid of a talented ostrich that specialized in hooker make up. Unfortunately, the ostrich failed to meet Kym’s hooker-standard of face paint and the rampage began. Kym walked the poor confused ostrich over to the reflective pond and pointed out all the ways that she could make her elephant face look more like a hooker. Kym stole an ipad from a safari-goer and watched the movie Pretty Woman, since then she has not let go of this romantic idea that she must live her life as a hooker, even though she is an elephant and technically can’t do the things that hookers do.  Post-rampage, the ostrich is so ashamed that she puts her head in the sand.

We then leave the pride land to revisit teacher Gabby, who is enlightening America’s youth one day at a time with her sweet southern charm. Since she has been such a sweetheart all through the planning process, her bridal party decides to take her out for a night of good old-fashioned original fun: drinking. Like any proper lady, Gabby proceeds to get sloppy drunk in her leopard muu muu and fails to speak proper English. They then surprise her yet again with another original concept: A male stripper. He is also wearing leopard print to match her muu muu, which is the highest compliment a male stripper can give. He’s wearing a bandana over his face, which leads me to believe that he intends to rob them after he gets them good and ready. Then I see the most unfortunate display of “sexy acts” I have ever seen in my life. The stripper puts his head deep in between Gabby’s thighs and makes like he is munching her bunch, then he picks her up and starts bouncing her around on his junk. He absolutely got a hernia that night; there is no way he hoisted up that amount of lady without doing seriously bodily harm to himself. Then he proceeded to bite her butt over, and over, and over again. And then, the piece de resistance: Helicopter Dick. I had to wash my eyes out for an hour after bearing witness to it.

Back to the pride land. We see the bull elephant in a state of distress over the cake that will be served during the union. The elephant of honor brings her calf along on her quest for the perfect cake and Kym cannot take the calf’s curiosity and incessant energy. She vows to never have a calf of her own.

The cake tasting proves to be a disaster as her elephant of honor tricks her into eating fruit. Kym immediately spews a mighty spray of cake bits and then turns to inflict her rage on her foolish elephant of honor. Between the calves and the elephant of honor, Kym is beside herself with grief. It’s so difficult being the head of your herd.

Gabby is back with a bad taste for the wedding planner in her mouth. She finds herself wishing she had the male stripper/robber back in her mouth. Curlinda, the wedding planner, has had it up to here with Gabby’s nonsense. Gabby doesn’t understand how time works and ends up arriving over an hour late for her ever-so-important appointment with her hairdresser. Gabby insists that her lateness is causes by Curlinda’s carelessness and I’m inclined to agree with her. How dare Curlinda point out a bride’s flaws! This is her day! Her Day!

Bull elephant Kym has managed to free herself of the obnoxious calves that affirmed her decision to not pass on her strong genes. Unfortunately, this means that the mother of the calves cannot assist her in her errands for the day. Kym is forced to take one of the giraffe’s giraffe friends. This does not please her. The day further unravels with various members of the pride land asking her for money she owes them for the services they are providing on the day of the union. If there’s one thing that will put an elephant into a blind rage, it’s insensitive pride members asking for money that the elephant clearly doesn’t have. They should be providing these services out of the fear that they have for her. If they do this for her, she will not kill their children.

Kym finally arrives at the venue with her giraffe companion and finds her father trumpeting away. It seems he is upset with the money being spent in this mixed-species union. Father elephant tries to help Kym with her wedding money issues, but she trumpets back her frustration and he must walk away to calm himself.

Shit hits the fan when Gabby sees one of the bridesmaids with her hair all a mess. She starts pacing and sweating and threatening the bridesmaid that is she won’t go get her hair did properly, she will not walk. She’s serious; bitch will not have the honor of walking down the aisle.

Apparently, Gabby did not learn her lesson from Curlinda and she is late, yet again. When Curlinda shoots her mouth off at Gabby, Gabby protests the rehearsal and refuses to do a walk through. There is a stand off between the two camps and eventually Curlinda pulls Gabby aside and gives her “a talking to.” I haven’t seen this much sass since the last episode of Maury.

All the elephants are gathered in a frenzy preparing the favors while Kym stomps around trumpeting orders. Her elephant of honor is infuriating her because she just sits eating shoots and chatting with the other elephants. To solve this problem, Kym takes every opportunity to point out the sloth like behavior and demean her in front of the other elephants, to which the rest of the herd just nods in agreement.

Once Kym has satisfied her anger, the other members of the herd point out that she needed to groom herself. Apparently, this is the thorn in her side and she succumbs to their pleas to clean herself.

Gabby’s wedding day is here! Glory of all glories! But wait, our bride is still unhappy. Candace, her problem bridesmaid is at it again, not having her hair did properly, wearing blue eye shadow and letting her tattoos show after they had specifically talked about her tattoos not showing. Since she has to spend all her time setting Candace straight, she’s going to be late, yet again. Curlinda is going to lose her shit.

Elephant Kym has been starving herself so that she can be at her best during the union. So when her father tries to be nice by taking everyone out to dinner, she is set into a blind rage yet again. How dare the other elephants not respect her refusal of food? Her rage continues when her father fails to understand that he needs to keep throwing money at her.

Gabby begins to hyperventilate after finding out that her bouquet does not have any gardenias in it. But once she gathers herself, the wedding finally happens and for the first time in weeks, she smiles. A happy ending for a sweet Birdezilla.