Bridezillas: Important Life Lessons

How bitchy can a bride get this week?

Meet Gabrielle, or as her friends like to call her, Gabby. Gabby is an educator, which means that the youth of America have a money-grubbing-reality-show-trash-talking-sassy-pants role model to look up to. Doesn’t that make you feel good about our education system in America? Oh and tonight’s assignment was to watch Miss Gabby’s episode of Bridezillas. Extra credit if you count all the swears she made.

Just like a classic fairytale, Gabrielle and her beau, Matthew, met in the parking lot of a check-cashing store. Matthew admits it was not love at first sight, but she did have a car, so that scored her major points.

Lesson #1: In order to win a man over, you don’t have to have a good personality. You just have to have a good car.

Like any red-blooded American woman, Gabrielle just wants her one big day to be perfect, so she hires a wedding planner named Curlinda, who is accompanied by Flora, Fauna and Merryweather. With a flick of Curlinda’s clipboard, Gabrielle’s wishes come true, or do they?

Lesson #2: If you become a wedding planner when you grow up, don’t call her client a heifer to her face. Wait until she signs the check.

It’s very frustrating when things don’t go exactly your way, and Gabby does all she can to keep it together. Which leads us to,

Lesson #3: When you are experiencing tough times, remember: you are not the problem, the other person is the problem.

Days before the wedding, Gabrielle is reconsidering her bridal party. The ladies who are unable to jump to Gabby’s demands must be done away with. As Gabby is considering who will make the cut, Bridesmaid Candice asks Gabby if she can be the maid of honor.

Lesson #4: Never ask to be the Maid of Honor.

Gabrielle appropriately responds with “Are you on crack?” and the issue is dropped.

Candice continues to dig herself a deeper hole by not providing Gabby with the twenty dollars she needs to complete her honeymoon outfit purchase. And she keeps on digging when she reveals that she doesn’t have enough money to get her hair and nails ‘did’ the way that Gabby has requested the bridal party ‘get them did’. As punishment, Gabby claims that Candice now owes her interest on the $20 she failed to give her.

Lesson #5: You are never too broke to get your hair and nails ‘did’.

And then we go back to the true alcoholic fairytale with Krystal and Scott. All Krystal wants is to finish her tacky broach bouquets without her mom complaining about how tired she is.  Instead of stopping her complaints, mom deflects by throwing all the bridesmaids under the bus. Mom plants the seed in Krystal’s head that all her bridesmaids are selfish and lazy and they are the ones that should be working their fingers to the bone all hours of the night in order to help her complete the menagerie of tacky crafts that will be passed out at the wedding. Krystal realizes her mother is right and begins her rampage.

Lesson #6: Once you’re a member of the bridal party, your life must stop as you cater to every whim of the crazed Bridezilla.

As if Krystal’s mom has not done enough damage, she snots all over herself crying about how her ex-husband, Krystal’s father, is coming to her wedding. “I hate him! I don’t want him to come to the wedding! Can’t you just not tell him where we are going to be?”

Lesson #7: If the Bridezilla isn’t properly crazed, burst into melodramatic tears and have her try to deal with it. This will insure a properly crazed Bridezilla.

It looks as if Gabby has succeeded in tricking Candice into getting her nails ‘did’.  Not only did Gabby get Candice into the nail salon, but she was also successful in starting a cat fight between Candice and Katie, the maid of honor. Properly incensed, Katie decides to teach Candice a lesson by sabotaging her and making it look as if Gabby clothes, Candice’s charge, were stolen.

Lesson #8: If there is a bridesmaid you don’t like, pick a fight with her. Then turn her into a slave and sabotage her to make the bride realize what a bad person she truly is.

Gabby’s experience could not possibly get any worse, oh wait, it has. It turns out that Gabby’s favorite flower, the gardenia, that she requested to be in every arrangement, is not in bloom. The fact that her gardenias are not in bloom right now is absurd to her.

Lesson #9: Not all flowers bloom year-round.

Back to our sweet flower, Krystal. It’s chaos at the alchy-den as Krystal and Scott try to pack for their honeymoon. The show they should have been on is Hoarders.

Lesson #10: When you realize you have more than one problem that you can capitalize on in a reality show, take advantage of all opportunities and sell the F out!

Horror of all horrors, Krystal’s mom and dad are in the same building together! They deal with the meeting in the most mature volatile way possible, by yelling at each other and claiming they both have significant others and they can live without each other.

Lesson #11: Start a fight with your ex the night before your daughter’s wedding.

All classy couples get matching tattoos right before their wedding right? Unfortunately, bridesmaid Ashley does not agree and Krystal kicks her out of the tattoo parlor.

Lesson #12: Never disagree with the Bridezilla.

The Catering debacle! Gabby visits the caterer to tell him they ‘don’t need him no more’, and the caterer is like ‘uh-uh. I don’t think so.’ So Curlinda steps in and offers to pay for half. THEN, Curlinda finds out that Matthew, the groom, never wanted this dinner in the first place and Curlinda is like ‘uh-uh. That’s not right!’

Lesson #13: Don’t try being shady with your wedding planner.

With a stroke of brilliance, Krystal decides to reveal her tattoo at her rehearsal dinner. Success! Her groom-to-be burst into tears of joy over his soon-to-be wife’s mutilated arm.

Lesson #14: The best way to show your love for someone is through permanent ink and Hepatitis C.

Finally! We are at Krystal’s special day! As per usual, Krystal is already upset, but today she’s totally dressed cute! The reason for her anger: her groomsmen have already gotten hammered at 10AM and have been kicked off the trolley. I don’t know why she’s surprised, that’s what made her fall in love with him in the first place.

But everything falls into place as the bride and groom get properly sauced before they exchange their vows. And they lived happily drunkenly ever after.

Lesson #15: No matter what you do to your friends, family and groom; the Bridezilla will always arise victorious.